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Language: en
My wife stopped having sex with me, so I
stopped doing things for her.
>> Yeah.
>> Me, 37 year old male, wife, 32 female,
have been married for seven years. We
have two kids. For the first few years,
sex was great. Not just the physical
part, but the connection. Then about 3
years ago, it slowed down a lot. Now
we're basically roommates who co-parent.
I've tried initiating. I've tried
talking about it. I've tried planning
date nights, even helping more around
the house. Every time I bring it up, she
says she's too tired or not in a mood or
that I make her feel pressured by even
bringing it up. So about a year ago, I
just stopped. Now she's upset that I've
changed and that I'm not as loving
anymore. I told her straight up that
love feels different when it's
one-sided.
>> Marriage is a negotiation. Sex is a
point of leverage for women typically.
Kindnesses and all the little sweet
things that I think women are far more
drawn to is certainly uh a leverage
point that men have. You are going to
train your spouse. You are going to
reinforce behavior you want more of and
you are going to quote unquote punish
behavior that you want less of. That is
plain and simple. And you can hide
behind nicities and pretend that's not
what's going on all you want. And
marriage is going to be one long
confusing endeavor for you. The reality
is this is how we interface with the
world. When someone does something you
don't like, you tell them. You pull it
up short. You draw boundaries. You say,
"I'm not going to put up with that
anymore. I don't want that." Now
understand how to interact with people
to actually get what you want. That a
smile, a touch, a hug, a kindness, doing
something sweet for somebody. If you
frame it as this is all tit for tat,
everything is transactional in a
relationship, you are also going to be
confused and your life is going to be a
nightmare and you're not going to
understand like what's going on. If on
the other hand, you go, "Hey, a big part
of this game is manipulating my own
emotions and manipulating their
emotions, and everybody hates that word,
and I'm perfectly open. Influence,
nudge, push, gently, influence, like
whatever people want to call it, fine.
But the reality is that you are going to
play a multi-deade, if it goes well, a
multi-deade game of influencing your
partner to do more of what you want and
less of what you don't want. And you
should welcome that they are going to do
the same to you. And we broke something,
Drew, when we stopped admitting that
part of a woman's job is to make her man
better. And part of a man's job is to
put some boundaries on the emotional
outbursts of a woman. That just is. I am
a better person because of my wife. I
push for more. I strive for more because
she had huge demands of me. And it has
been awesome. And thank God that when I
did something cool, that woman would uh
touch my genitals, Drew. And when she
want I literally told her one day, "The
weight of my heart is not through my
stomach, it's through my dick. And if
you understand that, we are going to get
along really [ __ ] well." And so she
was like, "Oh word." So I remember,
>> say less, fam.
>> No, we're going to say more. We're we're
really about to go deep. And my wife is
going to have to forgive me for airing
all of this uh stuff. And look, I get
it. Someone's saying, "Tom, kind of icky
right now." Scruba, I'm just letting you
know how this all plays out. And I've
been married for 23 glorious years. It's
been amazing.
>> I'm about to see her later. Tom, come
on. I know. I know. My wife
was like, she really enjoyed shopping
and I didn't. And I was like, if you
touch me up in the changing room, we're
going to have no problems. I'll go
shopping with you as much as you want.
So, she started touching me up in the
changing room and I was like, let's go
shopping. So,
>> you wake up on a Saturday morning, who's
ready to go shopping?
>> Of course. Who wouldn't, Drew? So, I'm
just saying I don't get why people are
so weird about this. Like, what is it
that you want? Communicate to your
spouse. Let them know the things you
like. Let them know the things you don't
like. And don't be transactional. Try to
figure out like how do we like get
connected over this. How do we bond over
this? How do we understand life is hard?
We're doing it together that I want you
to shape me. I want to shape you, but I
want to love and be loved and I want
grace. And when I mess up, I don't want
you to just immediately tit for tat.
It's like you've got to have grace is
what I call shock absorbers. You've got
to let the person do things where it's
like, "Okay, look, that's kind of wacky,
but I'm not going to like jump in and
draw a hard line every time that you
like I remember Lisa and I, we would
say, look, if you're about to come on
your period and you are being overly
emotional, I'm going to let you cross
like 10 lines." And then line 11, I will
eventually say, "I," and this was a
magic phrase, "I think that your
response is disproportionate to the
stimulus." And that was a way of just
saying, listen, I've been absorbing all
of these things that feel like
overreactions, but I might be wrong and
maybe that's not it. Maybe there really
is something real here, but there is an
eventual line where you cross where I'm
like, okay, hold on. This is so
disproportionate now to the stimulus.
I'm going to call it out. And then if
you disagree, like, walk me through. But
we know this is a literal cycle that
happens and it's very predictable. And
so let's just talk about it. And so Lisa
and I being able to talk about the
things we like, the things we don't
like, creating space when it's like,
hey, if you want to go do that thing
that I really don't like, fair enough.
Like, I'm going to go over here. I'm
going to do my thing. And then you would
welcome the person back into your space
immediately when they stop doing the
thing that you didn't want. And all of
these little negotiations have made our
communication extremely high level, have
made our marriage the most rewarding
thing in my life, far more rewarding
than money or success. Is my marriage.
my marriage is the thing that I will
defend literally to the death. But we
understood that this is all going to be
these little negotiations that we were
going to influence each other that we
were I'm not going to hang out with you
if you're doing something that I
absolutely hate. And so it's like, yeah,
these are all fine. And so over time,
you begin to shape each other into like
this cooperative unit. But people have
at some point decided that we didn't
want to be units. Lisa and I have talked
a lot about we are independently
codependent. Like we have intentionally
like fostered that we're sharing a life
that if you're if something's really
upsetting you then I'm going to enter
into that world and I'm going to come
into that emotional frame. I'm going to
try to help you back out for sure. But
it's like I'm not going to be like well
that's a you problem. Like we're a unit.
We're moving through life as a unit.
That is the literal experiment that
we're running. What does it look like if
two people share their lives? And we
just say, "Look, uh, there are going to
be richer men than me. There are going
to be hotter women than you, and I'm
committed to you. So, it doesn't matter.
And while I'm going to enjoy your beauty
while I have it, uh, that certainly
isn't going to be the only thing." So, I
I just the the sort of modern-day
framing of there's always another fish
in the sea and like uh I don't need no
man and all that stuff. This this is
just full [ __ ] I People are out of
their goddamn minds. It is so out of
step with evolution. It's crazy when you
look at just these are averages, people.
These are averages. Please averages.
On average, men are goaloriented. So, if
a woman is stepping in to help you be
better at achieving your goals, you're
going to feel good about it if she does
it deafly. If she makes you feel like
you're on insecure footing because you
didn't get that goal, that would suck.
If she's like, "I'm here to catch you.
I'm here to help you get better. Like, I
want to push you. I want to cheer for
you, but I'm also gonna soothe you when
you're down and not be like, "Fuck you.
I'm off to the next guy." Like, if she
looks at it as like part of my job is to
help you like make the most of your
potential. That feels so good. My wife
bet on me when everybody else thought I
was a loser. Nobody thought that I was
ever going to amount to anything.
Nobody. I've run through that whole
thing a million times. But my wife was
like, "Yo, I see something here." At a
time, remember, she says yes to my
marriage proposal when I'm lying in bed
four to five hours a day, every day.
Okay, that's when she says yes. Not
because I'm already the thing, because
she sees what I can become and that she
wants to be a part of it. And we used to
clown on women for wanting to fix guys
and all that stuff. You should be like,
"Cool. I want to leverage that to my
advantage. I want somebody who wants to
like help me achieve my potential." It's
incredible. Okay. Now, women. So, if
we're the goal oriented species, then
what women need is somebody to help with
setting boundaries, protection, uh
pointing in a direction, leadership, all
of that. And part of that is going to be
everyone is going to hate this. I really
wish that I had a better analogy. Please
forgive me.
I'm scrambling in my brain to try to
find something better. I don't have
anything better.
>> Shoot. Let's do it.
>> Okay. Oh god. When you put a dog on a
leash, it is more aggressive than when
it's off leash. When a woman knows
you're going to if I get out of whack,
you're going to like pull me back in.
They feel more confident, more secure.
They're more ambitious, more aggressive.
People with the strongest home life take
the biggest risks. And so being able to
provide that safety and security allows
them to express themselves in a bigger
way in the world because they know ah if
I'm getting out of hand like he's going
to point out hey maybe don't do that
maybe that's OTT whatever and helps rein
them in because women have a let's call
it larger range of emotion that the
emotions can happen faster and be more
consuming to have somebody there that is
the port in the storm that is the
orienting mechanism that can help you
see like is this in proportion to what's
happening
>> the mountain for her waves to crash
again
>> the the rocks for the waves of her
emotions to crash on. Shout out to I
can't believe I'm forgetting his name
right now.
>> Breed.
>> No, it's not where I heard it the first
time.
>> He's in Andrew Tate's orbit. Oh god.
He's been on the show. Lovely guy.
>> Waller.
>> Yes, Justin Waller. Thank you. I
actually really really like him. Lovely.
Lovely.
>> Shout out to Justin Waller. Yeah.
>> Uh and it's a great line. So
if you can be that then it will feel
like this incredible exchange because
your wife in my case has a echolocation
device where it's like I really feel
this thing but is this proportionate
this is the ping is it proportionate to
what's happening yes or no will this
help me get where I want to go yes or no
like Lisa turning to me and saying
you're far better at pursuing your goals
than I am. Here's the thing that I want
to do that feels emotionally correct.
Should I pursue it? Yes or no? And I'll
say literally 80% of the time, no.
That's not it's not going to be
effective at moving you towards your
goal. So, if that's the question that
you're asking, that won't work. Here's
something that you might want to try.
And so, it's been this incredible
exchange of talents between the two of
us. So, there you have it. I know people
are really not going to uh enjoy that
analogy, but I don't have a better one.
No, I thought
>> for a lot of men touches extraordinarily
high uh on the scale of love languages.
And I will say there's a great quote,
may not be true for all men, but it's
certainly true for me. Um, women need to
feel loved to have sex and men need to
have sex to feel loved. And so it's
like, man, he was fast with that one. He
was ready. Uh, so I feel I might have a
compadre on that one. So, um, that is, I
think, really important for people to
reflect on and to see if it's true for
them because that will be a very
important point of communication
because, for instance, if I'm like
starting to feel distant from Lisa, uh,
I can't just go and initiate sex. I
first have to make her feel loved. I
have to extend that first. So that and
by the way, this is your your whatever
weekly reminder that the receptivity
that women must show in sex is a gift of
the highest order. It is an act of such
trust and dare I say submission that
like you disrespect that at your peril.
And so that's why for me to extend that
first even if I feel like she's been
icing me out. somebody doesn't like this
idea because I know that re that
receptivity is such a gift and uh is a
very big ask of a woman. I'm going to
extend that to make sure that she feels
loved because I can think of few things
that would feel worse than feeling
totally disconnected to your partner and
yet still making yourself sexually
receptive. Uh so yeah, you've got to
earn that. Yeah, I always heard that
line that foreplay starts way before you
get into the bedroom like in marriages
and like mature relationships.
>> Do you ever hear that quote from Sting
where he's like, "Uh, our sex lasts for
eight hours." And people thought he was
talking about like some crazy ass
tantric sex. He was like, "No, I'm
talking about going to the grocery store
with your wife, showing that you care
about the things that she cares about,
smiling, winking, being playful." He's
like, "All these things for her matter a
lot." So, I think of the sex act as
being like the seven and a half hours
before and then the half hour of actual
sex. And I was like, that's actually
pretty brilliant. But for I mean more
than a decade, people thought that he
was saying they actually have sex for
eight hours. It's pretty funny.
>> Someone said it's not a woman's job to
make you better.
>> Oo, are they
>> good luck being single?
Oh, you, my friend, are fighting against
evolution, and evolution cares [ __ ] all
about your thoughts on that.
>> But shouldn't the person you're with,
wouldn't you want them to be better?
Just I'm going to be with you for six
days. Don't you want those six days to
increase in betterness versus just stay
stagnant?
>> PE.
>> Okay.
>> How many old people are getting
kidnapped right now? What is happening
with these phones?
>> Uh yeah, so I get it. People are going
to get hung up linguistically on certain
words. Don't. It isn't their job to make
you better, but this is the exchange
that people make that make all these
sacrifices worth it. Is that women bring
something to men, men bring something to
women. Evolution only had so many levers
to pull. And so to make sure the kids
survive long enough to have kids that
survive, it's like this is the game. So
yeah, it's uh once you get it from that
perspective, life gets a lot easier. And
we've become so antagonistic towards the
opposite sex.