Kind: captions
Language: en
[Music]
hey [ __ ] you are average yes stop
being afraid of that you're average but
you can get better go learn but you have
to be a demon you have to give your
brain and body the impulse adapt or die
with I will break you in half before I
give up once I realize that like oh I
could just get better at sitting in this
emotion I don't have to run from this
emotion then it's you begin to get
stronger you become more capable of
facing things than if you have a value
system that says hey Tom
don't be weak you're that feeling of
like you want to run and hide
stop man up face it sit in it do not
allow yourself and then when I do it I'm
like bro this is why you are you this is
why you've accomplished what you've
accomplished because in this moment
everybody else runs in this moment
everybody else breaks in this moment
everybody else becomes so insecure that
they go chase distraction but you don't
you sit here like even when I go to the
dentist and it hurts I open my mouth
wider and I'm like get in there I don't
Flinch I don't try to pull back I'm like
yeah baby like get that drill in there
like go on scrape it get down to the
bone even though it hurts and my every
impulse is to pull away if I'm dealing
with something and it makes me anxious I
won't blade blading is where you turn
sideways or something when somebody does
that to you they're either intimidated
by you they're stressed whatever I will
face that thing head on literally and
figuratively if something is terrifying
me I'm like I'm in this I'm not running
from this I'm dealing with this when
I've got a hard thing that I don't want
to do do which is almost always
contracts I'm like here we go we're
going to do these contracts I'm going to
do this contract at three in the morning
when everybody else they wake up and
actually they're sleeping who are we
kidding they're still asleep I'm up I'm
looking at a contract and I am
emotionally rewarding myself to the ends
of the Earth for doing that that's so
cool like so fascinating because like I
said the ironic thing is I'm only
distracted when I'm trying to accomplish
something meaningful and hard but it's
like challenging I'm never distracted
when I'm doing something easy and and
fun that's why I think I'm right about
the what distraction really is it's your
brain trying to soothe you it's grabbing
a hold of all your attention and saying
ah don't worry about that put all your
attention on this thing here and now you
can feel better and I'll be honest there
are times where I have been so stressed
that the only thing that's going to
allow me to decompress is Doom scrolling
and it's awesome like I am grateful that
Doom scrolling exists because I don't do
things that aren't on my agenda but
sometimes my agenda is I need to allow
myself to relax because there are times
where even meditation is like bro I I
will get more out of this 20 minutes of
meditation if I take five minutes to
Doom scroll to like forget what to shift
gears right because I'm obsessively
thinking about this thing Doom scroll
some cats for five minutes oh cool now
I've been distracted away from that
thought now I can sink into a meditation
now that level of stress doesn't happen
often but when it does I know what tool
to reach for but this goes back to
self-awareness you have to distrust
yourself constantly be asking I should
not have this reaction right I shouldn't
allow myself to be overwhelmed you know
me I don't do overwhelm but I don't do
overwhelm because I have pattern
interrupts Doom scrolling cats I limit
it to a small amount of time I follow it
with meditation and then I've got the
value system of being hardcore facing my
challenges so on and so forth but it
really takes that Gestalt and this is
the part about helping people that I
find really frustrating
it's all of those things it is this
incredibly complicated nest of
rules time blocking value system
rewarding yourself punishing yourself
on and on and on is there a way to make
those distractions like knowing that
like I'm aware of them I'm aware that
I'm easily distracted is there a way to
make it a healthy distraction to make it
use for your benefit and time block it
so if you want to take something
like distraction and make it healthy you
need to have parameters so you're going
to time block you're going to have it be
a known tool so you're not going to like
I catch myself doing sometimes blindly
reach for your phone if you find
yourself picking up your phone you've
got to be like why am I doing this does
this fit into my rules did I say hey I'm
now going to look at cats for five
minutes ten minutes an hour whatever but
like that is the amount of time that I'm
going to do that I'm going to confine it
to that and then it's like hey if you
want to spend 10 hours a day looking at
cats I'm not judging like if if your
life is rad and you're stoked spending
10 hours a day looking at Cash just
don't trick yourself into thinking oh I
want to go you know build a huge charity
and help millions of people and doom
scroll cats for 10 hours like those two
things are mutually incompatible so it's
only the unintentional use of that the
unrestrained use of that so once it
becomes intentional
you're using it as a tool for a specific
reason that you can articulate to
yourself and it's time blocked
you're good so for those people who do
maybe they aren't aware or they
understand but have so much dopamine and
just like habitual of just going to Tech
talk Instagram Twitter just scrolling
for days uh to pass the time to do
whatever how do you go about help like
changing that behavior if you're already
so entrenched in it I come down to one
thing George like you're young so I
really want you to hear me your life is
a confusing mess right now and that will
manifest as negative emotion it's all
going to pass
I've glimpsed your future it all works
out it's amazing your life becomes
wonderful because as you get older
you're going to gain control of your
emotions as you gain control of your
emotions you're going to gain control of
your time as you gain control of your
time you're going to acquire skills as
you acquire skills you're going to be
able to do things that other people
can't do like that really is the loop
and so as people get older the reason
that they tend to be happier and more
self-assured is they realize the rules
of the game that you can just really get
better at this stuff and you can get
good and so I want people to hear that
but my thing is like dude you've really
got to be obsessed with what you want to
accomplish and so if I could get you to
understand bro all your dreams that
maybe the scale will be off maybe you
want to be the greatest and you become
you know 1142 but out of 7.4 billion
that's really pretty cool and so that's
going to be the ride of your life but
you have to get obsessed and the only
reason that obsession is fun is because
you actually know you're going to make
progress It's when you're obsessed and
things aren't going well and you don't
realize it's just a matter of time and
so like right now dude I I am really
emotionally worried for people that
don't understand the economy is going to
turn back around Wars end like they're
devastating I don't wish it on anybody
but this too shall pass it's like the
great Buddhist phrase of all time this
too shall pass if you knew that yeah the
next three years are going to suck but
after that it's going to be dope man and
there's going to be a stretch of seven
years that are nothing but awesomeness
but then you're going to go through an
18-month period you're you know one of
your loved ones is going to pass away
and that's going to be brutal but then
you're going to have a stretch of six
years it's going to be awesome then
you're going to have four years of just
total suck but through it all you're
going to be getting better and better at
managing your emotions so through it all
you know all is going to be well
that's the joy man and so the thing I'm
always trying to get people to
understand you'll never get what you
want out of life you're never going to
accomplish the things that you want
unless you are obsessed obsession will
hurt and it will be unhealthy unless you
realize that you can get better and if
you value yourself for already being
good right better faster stronger life
will be a misery no matter what and so
far better to focus on did I leave it
all out on the field today right so
value yourself for how hard you went
after something not for what you
accomplished and then let yourself get
obsessed with something because you'll
get better over time and then with that
Obsession what if it's an obsession with
something that's not productive or
unhealthy like video games for example
who said that's not productive and who
said it's unhealthy so there's only that
which moves me towards my goals and that
which moves me away from my goals now
I'll make one caveat your goals should
be honorable I'll Define honorable an
honorable goal is something that uplifts
you and other people that's about as
simple as I can make it so if you have a
goal that uplifts you and other people
then why not go just absolutely Bonkers
to make it come true if you want to be a
professional gamer then that's going to
be playing a lot of video games and I
actually I never would believe this is
true but I enjoy watching other people
play video games it's fun and so if
that's the way that you want to
contribute that for people that want to
watch you play they can amazing so now
it's uplifting you and other people
you'll be able to get into the passion
Loop so that you're both the shout and
the echo the shout being you playing the
echo being people enjoying watching you
play or maybe you're like playing video
games so you can help build video games
right so there's many ways you can do
something like that so I just want
people to have an honorable goal and
then ask themselves of everything you do
did this movie towards your goal yes or
no if yes keep doing it if no stop doing
it and that's it and that literally is
the easiest way to steer but people let
things complicate that because their
parents tell them that they should be
doing something that maybe they do or
don't want to do they think that they
should be making a ton of money and the
thing that they love doesn't make them a
lot of money they want to be the best
and they trick themselves into thinking
this is only fun if I'm the greatest of
all time I will tell you right now I
play the video game Destiny 2. and I
would laugh I'm sure if I saw the people
that are spanking me I mean just
embarrassing me but I still love it and
so I try to remind myself that it's
about getting better when I play because
I love to improve and it's just
video games are designed to squeeze the
brain centers that Evolution has given
you for progression and goal acquisition
and all that stuff so it is a very fun
microcosm so finding people to be very
careful casting aspersions moral
judgments on any goal that is uplifting
you and other people do you think that
there is a way to incorporate your
passion which could be video games into
purpose and also providing service and
have that work for you or do you think
you have to sacrifice one or like you
know focus on on a certain thing first
like does is there a perfect world where
all three can exist I think all three
can exist but greatness makes demands so
hiding in that meaning and purpose will
all but break you because the world is
constantly moving towards entropy so
from the moment of the Big Bang
everything is moving towards chaos now
when you introduce humans Jesus you
magnify the amount of chaos uh ten
thousand fold I mean it's just
absolutely insane we ourselves are
complicated bumping into all people that
are complicated as well and so to
achieve something great
you are really going to fail a lot you
are going to run into more obstacles
than you can count but the problem is
that fulfillment requires that you work
hard partly because that for humans to
become the most dominant predator of the
world has ever seen we had to be very
good at ordering the world to order the
world you have to pour a tremendous
amount of energy to stop the chaos and
move it towards order because that's the
other part of that equation to bring
order to a system you must pour energy
into it literal energy and so that's the
battle that all of us are are fighting
against and so if we know that meaning
and purpose is the only thing that will
ever serve you long term that is how you
get to fulfillment and to do meaning and
purpose we know it's going to be
brutally difficult then the very thing
that makes life worth living is going to
be very hard it will bring you to your
knees I I have literally been brought to
my knees but as you get back up which I
encourage everyone to do because we're
all going to get brought to our knees
but not everybody's going to get back up
so if you get brought to your knees
don't worry about that doesn't make you
a loser but it does mean that you're on
your knees and it does mean you owe
yourself getting back up now when you
get back up that's going to make you
feel some kind of way about yourself you
can be like yo that didn't break me
that's incredible so having meaning and
purpose means by definition you are
going to be brought to your knees at
some point you are going to fail to have
the impact you want to have in the world
and if you're ever going to have that
and feel the way you want to feel you
have to get back up and keep going
we've been talking a lot about like
ambition and driving getting your goals
I know another big part of your life is
your relationship so how does your
relationship fit into your good life
with your ambition and um yeah how does
that all cocktail work in your life the
good life how to live it step one you're
having a biological experience what does
that mean you are an animal that's been
shaped by Evolution the more you
understand the organ of the brain
really the whole body the microbes in it
all of it the more you understand that
biological system the more you're going
to be able to predict the outcome of
your thoughts and actions and so if
you're trying to have a good life one
you're going to want to Define it which
I will say the good life is fulfillment
it's the only emotional state that is
resilient to everything from anger loss
and grief through all of that you can be
fulfilled you may be devastated and when
you love a lose a loved one it's
devastating it sucks there's nothing fun
about it that doesn't mean that I'm not
fulfilled as a human it just means that
I'm a fulfilled human going through
something brutal conversely if I'm
momentarily happy but nothing is going
right in my life I'm not contributing in
any meaningful way I can laugh for five
minutes and still be depressed so
fulfillment I would say is the only
thing that's resilient you're not going
to be depressed and fulfilled at the
same time like it's just not now that we
have a definition for what the good life
is now we can actually begin moving
towards it now the reason I say this
step one is recognizing that you're
having a biological experience is I
understand the things that are going to
lead to fulfillment one of them is
working really hard another one is
following or developing a passion that
lets you contribute that's number three
to the group and to yourself so if those
are the rough ingredients that make up
this cocktail of fulfillment we have to
figure out this idea of contributing to
the group what's that all about that's
about being a social animal now what's
the ultimate iteration of being a social
animal it is love now why is love
so potent because Nature has one aim and
one aim only the reason you are a social
animal is because of this one reason the
reason that you have drive and ambition
is because of this one reason Nature's
only goal this is it this is the
punchline of everything every your
motivation for sitting here right now my
motivation for answering these questions
the reason that we put these cameras
together built this Channel all of it is
for one thing because nature wants to
make sure that you have kids that have
kids that's it and now everything in
your brain is nature pulling levers to
make sure that you live long enough to
have kids to have kids and that you
actually have kids so love which I will
say is a neurochemical state is Nature's
Way of going yo I want to make sure you
do this thing so it's this incredible
cocktail of I mean obviously the there's
different kinds of love I will assume
you mean romantic love since you
reference my relationship so romantic
love is like the thing it is the thing
that when you think about how people
want to feel in fact when they have
people describe how they want to feel
and they look at that neurochemistry you
know what it most closely matches even
though this isn't the word that people
put to it do you have a guess like it
looks like you're on drugs or something
it's an orgasm
and so it makes sense that if Nature's
jobs make sure that you stay alive long
enough to have kids that have kids that
the neurochemical cocktail of an orgasm
be pretty high on people's list so as
people are describing it they're like oh
yeah that's the neurochemicals you state
you feel right after an orgasm so
technically it isn't the orgasm itself
but it's that cocktail afterwards all
the bonding hormones are secreted after
that you can actually predict I don't
know with what degree of accuracy but
I'm going to guess it is extraordinarily
high that you can predict who will stay
married by the number of receptors that
they have for I think it's vasopressin
which is one of the bonding hormones so
there's oxytocin and vasopressin are the
two biggest the ones where you're it's
like the cuddle hormones so that's the
kind of feeling over time that you want
to have for somebody why because then
you're more likely to have kids and then
you're likely to raise them long enough
that they have kids because it's not
just having kids it's having kids that
have kids so you have to keep them alive
and all of the crazy things that nature
does to do that are incredible but
nature only has two levers pleasure and
pain and one of those tremendous
Pleasures that nature will give you that
is extraordinarily resilient to
suffering and loss and sadness and all
that is that really deep love not the
early Lusty stuff that's super fun but
like that really deep I have shared a
life I don't know who I am without this
person love that you can have with
another person if you're leveraging all
of that neurochemical cocktail of
soaking in the bonding so that over time
that sense of love is like nothing can
touch it nothing can give me that right
I've made
a lot of money in a single day right
nine figures in a single day I'll let
people go put in a calculator nine
figures of Siege is how much that is in
a single day okay
it's a dope feeling but it's not love
love trumps everything I've ever been
through in my life when it's sustained
and so I put a lot of energy into it a
lot of energy because it gives me back
more than anything else in my life
so you mentioned how nature is
programmed you to have kids who have
kids and you made a personal decision
not to do that uh
why did you opt out of what nature wants
opted out of it we'll get to in a second
but the fact that we can all opt out is
fun because I'm like huh I got you [ __ ]
he's like nature thought she had me but
I'm you know I'm not I'm not playing
that game uh so here's the thing I
really want kids to this day I really
want kids there are Still Moments where
I'll see that thing that's like oh man
it triggers all of my desire to have
kids and I'm like man I am very sad that
I can't both have the life that I'm
living and have the life where I have
kids but I looked at
my life from several different Vantage
points what my wife calls the average
Wednesday so what would an average
Wednesday look like if I had kids and I
Know Myself and I feel a tremendous
amount of obligation in fact part of the
reason that I work as hard as I do at
impact Theory
is I feel an obligation to you guys I
feel an obligation to the team and I
really I take that seriously in ways
that I think most people would be
distressed by and so for me it's like
okay I really need to think about that
if I had kids I would feel a huge
obligation to them to come home and so
one thing that I like about work is that
I don't feel conflicted Lisa and I are
building it together so as I put energy
into this I'm putting energy into
something that I'm doing with my wife so
that doesn't feel like it's fragmented
energy it feels like it's coming
together that was obviously on purpose
I'm building a company that brings many
of my passions not all of them but many
of my passions together so even as I
pursue things that I would do no matter
what I'm also building the business and
I do that because I know I'm gonna feel
that sense of obligation so let me make
sure that I'm doing things that I love
to satisfy the obligation if I had kids
now when I'm at work I would feel like I
should be with my kids when I was with
my kids I should feel like I I would
feel like I should be at work I just
know that about myself so I want to be
really honest and then you don't miss
what you don't have so it's not like I
had a seven-year-old and they died just
never had kids right so kids are uh
thought so I can think and I'll have
those moments sometimes really intense
like oh dude like you see that moment
like have you guys seen that Tick Tock
Trend where it's like they record they
do like the little there's a song and
they like propose to their daughter and
they have the daughter recording she
doesn't realize she's recording herself
and she's like looking at them with like
oh enjoy I'm like oh God like that hits
me right in the fields and I'm like oh
man I want to have a daughter or like
that Jordan Peterson one did you know
that one when they had like kids will
not always be kids they'll grow up and
then they haven't seen it and it's just
like people videoing their kids going up
from like a kid to like five years old
even hearing about that kicks me in the
fields makes a somersault like Lisa says
yes oh yeah yeah my suddenly I have a
uterus as well yeah exactly yeah it that
kind of thing like they really really
hit me so but anyway I can set that
aside because I'm like my marriage is
amazing I fully understand Nature's
trick which is when you have a kid the
child will be your number one priority
and right now Lisa is my number one
priority I don't know that this is a
stat but I'd be willing to bet that
relationships are more likely to break
up or be dysfunctional that's a better
way to say it relationships are more
likely to be dysfunctional if you have
kids so even people that stay together I
think it's a higher likelihood that that
stop being a very
um thriving emotional and sexual
relationship if you have kids so I'm
super thoughtful about that and then
again average Wednesday don't really
like I hate like doing things that kids
want to do and stuff like that I have so
little time it's like I want to do the
things I want to do uh and then when I
look back on my life and walk through
all the different moments because all of
our lives are broken into phases I look
look at the different phases it's not
until I'm in my 60s that I start to go
ooh I think that having kids will like
be pretty important to me and by the
time I'm 80 I will regret it there's no
doubt about that but because I've
thought through it I'll know how to deal
with that frame of reference when I get
there so that I don't get destroyed by
it because it's when people are caught
off guard by a frame of reference and
for explaining a frame of reference is
beyond the scope of this conversation
but when you get to that frame of
reference you see life through that and
when you get caught off guard like by
having a kid and you didn't think
through that well or not having kids and
you didn't think through that well uh at
last check the most unhappy people in
America are mid 30s female lawyers
because they've chosen career over
children and they are now at that moment
where it's like whoa is this really what
I want for my life now maybe other
occupations they love it and it's not a
problem but for whatever reason 35 year
old women
attorneys
it's emotional implosion time so that's
somebody who did not think through what
are the different phases of my life like
it's dope in my early 20s where I'm like
yo I'm proving I could do anything I set
my mind to I'm grinding I'm making a ton
of money this is rad and then you
realize oh wait a second maybe there are
other things that I didn't think through
but if you think through that and you're
like oh in my mid-30s I may want kids
but you know what I'd actually rather
play my career out now at least you're
not taken by surprise so you can plan
around okay I better have a career that
gives me those things thinking through
that I think is very important I know
when I get to 80 that I will be very
grateful that I thought through how my
frame of reference will change and so I
will make plans to be able to Mentor
people to have in fact I'm starting to
do that now
even just in the way that I shift my own
thinking thinking about myself more is
like a father trying to like hey I've
suffered in my life I want other people
to learn easily what I have learned
through great suffering which is of
course what one of the things that makes
being a parent cool it's like hey I can
help you hopefully make your life a
little bit better and so that part of
being a parent I can express in a lesser
way I'm very well aware of that through
the people in the company through the
people that watch the content so being
aware of the how the frames of reference
shift is important but anyway that's how
I have
the way I've thought about pulling a
fast one on mother nature to the extent
that you can but it's a trade-off you
can reboot your life your health even
your career anything you want all you
need is discipline I can teach you the
tactics that I learned while growing a
billion dollar business that will allow
you to see your goals through whether
you want better health stronger
relationships a more successful career
any of that is possible with the mindset
and business programs in Impact Theory
University join the thousands of
students who have already accomplished
amazing things tap now for a free trial
and get started today
what are like three behaviors that you
do to reinforce your love for Lisa that
other people can put into their
relationships okay so this is huge one
don't criticize compliment so when I was
young and you get together and you're in
that relationship and everything is
great but then you start living together
and like that super drug like early day
starts to wear off and all of a sudden
it's all the things that they do that
drive you crazy
and you're like hey could you not do
that you know when you do that it really
bugs me hey oh God stop why are you
doing it like that and I was like wow
when she does it to me that drives me
crazy so I was like you know what every
time I have an Impulse to criticize her
instead I'm gonna reach for a real
compliment I'm never gonna lie I'm not
gonna be us but I'm going to reach for a
real compliment what that does is it
pattern interrupts my own brain so I'm
not reinforcing the negative thing
because it really is negative like the
person really is doing something that
drives you crazy and it probably really
is a dumb thing that if you could wave a
wand to make go away you would and so
it's not even like I'm saying that
annoying thing isn't actually annoying
it is but if I obsess over it all I'm
gonna see is the Annoying Thing whereas
that positive thing is also real so I
want to make sure I'm spending my time
thinking about the positive thing so
don't criticize compliment always make
it real
but spend your time in the compliment
have a lot of sex
just real like even now in my 40s it is
so funny in my late 40s I can think back
to what I was like in my early 20s my
poor wife and like going through that
and thinking oh it's going to be like
this forever it's not like as your
hormones change and I know that I'm only
one testosterone injection from being
right back there but it feels more
manageable whereas before I felt like a
drug addict who couldn't focus it's like
now I feel like hey I have a healthy
relationship with this drug uh if I'm a
recreational user now instead of an
addict which is way better and so being
in that space though I've realized it's
still critically important it is a thing
that is unlike anything else in your
life it's the only person that you have
that relationship with if you're
monogamous and that's not an over vote
for monogamy but monogamy has a really
potent upside
and so being in a monogamous
relationship and knowing that that's my
one outlet for that it you realize that
sex is this fascinating thing that is a
mode that we all go into and Going Back
To Nature wants to make sure that you
have kids that have kids it's like
nature made sure that that was an
awesome thing that is unlike anything
else and so I'm legitimately freaked out
by how much less sex young people are
having now because they're missing out
on something incredibly potent now I'm
only vouching for sex with connection I
won't say that it has to be uh a
marriage because I've had my share of
non-marital sex and it was awesome and
I'm not denigrating that at all but I've
always found that it's way more
enjoyable if it's somebody that you have
a real connection with so but thinking
about it like that it is this mode that
you don't get anywhere else if you have
a spouse and you have what they call Bed
Death that relationship is going to
become dry and brittle that's metaphoric
obviously but that you'll that you'll
get the right idea in your head whereas
if you maintain a sexual relationship
you're constantly Crossing this weird
boundary into like this this completely
unique space that you only have with
that person and nature is squeezing this
neurochemistry that constantly bonds you
brings you back together so that's
hugely important I cannot stress that
enough and then number three you have to
be a high level Communicator you've got
to invest in saying things that you
don't want to say and I think one of the
biggest breakthroughs in my marriage was
when I finally realized that I had to
say out loud anytime insecurity was
driving me because then my wife could
help me and as long as she never
weaponized the insecurity against me now
it's not my wife's problem to solve now
hopefully she can help me overcome that
that would be amazing but it's not she
doesn't need to solve that problem it's
my problem to solve but she can't
weaponize my insecurities against me and
by me articulating them now we know
what's actually going on so we're not
arguing about a surface level thing we
get to the real issue that's driving it
we can both process through that
together and so now you have stupid
fights that last forever you're getting
to the root cause of the issue I mean
this is exactly like in medicine don't
treat the symptom find the underlying
cause but when you are arguing you have
friction in your marriage you have to
figure out the underlying cause and I
promise you it's either a collision of
values so you just you both understand
each other you just disagree that that's
how the world should be it's misaligned
base assumptions so you are viewing the
world in a way that you don't even
realize you're doing it so people don't
realize what their base assumption is
it's just it's what they call an axiom
you just live by it like oh I assume
that that emotion is very distressful
for you so why wouldn't you want to
solve the problem you assume that I know
that it's not uncomfortable to sit in a
negative emotion those are base
assumptions but in reality my base
assumption is you're in so much pain
right now from this emotion the only
thing that makes sense is for us solve
that problem and your base assumption is
dude how can I solve a problem if I
haven't had a chance to sit in it yet
but if we don't say that I'm trying to
solve the problem you're like [ __ ]
just listen right and so when two smart
people are colliding they need to check
their base assumptions first like what's
your base assumption that I need to sit
with this emotion before I can problem
solve I need to problem solve to to even
think straight
cool now we can begin to understand each
other so it's either values it's
misaligned base assumptions or you've
got an insecurity that's driving you and
you either aren't aware of it or you're
not being honest about it and so if you
get that stack right then all of a
sudden communication becomes very easy
but man you've got to be emotionally
naked and that is very very difficult
but it is hyper rewarding if you have a
partner that doesn't use it against you
and so everybody sees how strong you
know your relationship is with Lisa how
amazing it is how deep but then also
people see how amazing your the career
side of it is like your business impact
theory is growing it's thriving and I
just want to know how you balance that
to keep both of them leveled up so
evenly to keep them both growing and
what your advice would be to people who
don't know how to balance their
relationship and their business or their
work so if you want to balance things
you have to know thyself so just a few
days ago I sent Lisa a text that hurt
her feelings and I didn't mean it to I
said hey would you mind if we did this
business thing on a day that was special
for her and I and I even said you're
probably going to hate this idea but
because remember I feel a tremendous
obligation to to work for you guys and
to make sure that the company thrives
and all that so I'm always thinking like
hey this would be really good for the
team now Lisa's role stated role it's
not like she would be confused if she
heard me say this she'd be like yeah
that's my role her stated role is to be
the early warning system because I don't
see the problem coming in the
relationship as quickly as she does so
we refer to it as being disconnected
where I work so much that we start to
feel disconnected so
thank you for saying that people see my
relationship as thriving and I would say
that it is but it's because we have
these bumpers and I'll bump up against
it as I did just a few days ago and I
sent that thing and said hey let's do
this business I know this is that really
special day for us but let's do this
because I think it'd be good for the
team and she said hey that hurts my
feelings that you would even ask because
it makes me feel not heard and not
understood because 2022 was the hardest
year of my business life and for eight
months she let me work
120 hours a week that's not even getting
a full night's sleep that's working
around the clock seven days a week I
mean it's it's pandemonium and I do not
recommend it I'm not proud of myself for
doing it was actually a result of
mistakes do I think I'm a badass for
doing it yes but do I think it was a
problem of my own making very much so so
my wife was very understanding through
that now I promised her that I would
find my way back to her which I did and
so but now she's very gun shy of like
hey I gave you Grace and latitude for
eight months and now you want to do a
work thing on our special day that makes
me feel very unheard now if either thing
happens poorly in that moment we have a
problem but Lisa and I do that movement
well she speaks up and says hey it
bothered me that you even asked and I'm
like oh damn like I don't like that it
bothers you that I ask because your role
is to play that person where I can say
hey let's do this and you say early
warning don't do that so she had to be
graceful in that moment and say cool I'm
not going to double down I'm not going
to be angry let's not do that as the
early warning system I'm telling you we
can't do it and then if in that moment
I'm like yo what the [ __ ] like come on
this will be better for the business I
thought we were in this together then
she's going to feel abandoned in the
marriage so I'm like hey your stated
role is to be the one to say nope that
will lead to us feeling disconnected and
so when you say it even though I have an
Impulse to go in the opposite direction
and I'm not feeling disconnected and
that feels like a really small thing to
me that's your role word so I'm going to
immediately back off totally I'm
actually sorry that I asked because I
didn't mean to upset you and I totally
get where you're coming from I hear you
like we're on it and so now we just we
move on I'm more thoughtful about okay
fair like the eight months is pretty
intense I totally get what she's saying
that next time I'm gonna try to catch
myself before I ask but if I do she's
not gonna be upset but she is going to
check it and say you can't do that so
it's one understanding it takes constant
maintenance there is no such thing as oh
my marriage is great and it will remain
great forever my marriage is great
because we work on it every single day
now balancing the business in that it
doesn't mean that I give more more time
to my marriage because I don't I give
more time to the business but it does
mean that I prioritize my marriage so if
my wife says hey we can't do that thing
then we're not going to do it like I
will just tell you the CFO pull Lisa and
I was like yo two weeks of Christmas
Crazy Town can't do it and I was like
I'm just telling you right now two weeks
of Christmas every year from now until
the end of time because like the rest of
my life I make it about my business for
two weeks I'm not a businessman I'm a
family man it is what it is
and he was like okay cool like totally
on board I get it but that's one of
those you you have to know like I need
to do this set of 32 things to make sure
that my marriage is always thriving and
they don't always mean the most time now
it's not an accident that Lisa and I
build the company together I would never
be able to work as much as I do if we
didn't and I know this because the first
company that when I got into
entrepreneurship for eight years she
wasn't and it was a nightmare and even
though I worked less it was harder on
the marriage than when I'm working more
now because we're in it together and we
share you know the same stories and the
same people and wants and all that good
stuff I read feeling great you mentioned
it earlier
um and I might inflame the comment
section by saying this but I feel like
if that book exists then like why do
people who read it like don't suddenly
like oh now I'm no longer depressed or
no longer feeling like anxious in that
sense because he lays out all the steps
very clearly so what do you think is the
thing that causes people to just not be
like transformed from reading a book is
it the the number three thing that you
said early in the beginning like just
not enough repetition it just hurts the
first time that they do it so they don't
follow through like what is the thing
that yeah it doesn't work big reason
that people struggle to get out of
depression even if they've read a book
like feeling great
is that
one they aren't
they don't believe the following very
inflammatory statement that you can get
control of your neurochemistry and
they think that it's all in the mind and
they don't realize that it's a far more
complicated Beast than that but because
they don't believe that they can
completely get control of it they will
try a few things early on and stop
now if you have depression and you are
not dealing with the body your
microbiome very specifically then the
odds of you getting out of that
depression are virtually zero and so
even a book as extraordinary is feeling
great is only dealing with the
psychological component of depression
and it is far deeper than that so your
gut controls many of your
neurotransmitters and serotonin so ssris
are selective serotonin reuptake
Inhibitors meaning they keep more
serotonin floating in your body now
seventy percent of the serotonin in your
body is produced and stored in the gut
so if the very chemical that they use to
combat depression is in your gut and
you're not dealing with your gut now you
have a problem but it goes back to what
I call the only belief that matters if
people don't think oh I can control this
then they won't keep going keep going
keep going keep going keep going keep
going until they find that root cause so
they think that this is oh this is that
thing that happened to me a tragedy
befell me and therefore I'm never going
to be able to get out of this this is
because of the trauma that I went
through in childhood yes partly but you
can get out of that you can unwind that
stuff and I am not in any way shape or
form saying this to be flippant I am not
trying to diminish the terrifying grip
that is depression I'm just saying you
have to believe that you can get your
way out of it and yes it is hyper
complicated and having watched Lisa go
through an extraordinary battle with her
microbiome and seeing how complicated it
is to undo all that the psychological
side is already bad enough especially if
it's a result of trauma abuse where that
gets hardwired in I mean that's in your
nervous system in a deep way that is
going to be very complex to unwind but
it starts with believing that you can
unwind it and then doing something like
cognitive behavioral therapy where you
go through I forget how many like it's
like 13 steps and one of the steps is
like the 15 cognitive distortions I mean
it's crazy so it is already a very
complex book just cognitively
psychologically that takes a lot of
repetition which requires you to believe
that it's going to work but then it's
also the very difficult part of getting
your body right sleep exercise diet you
want to talk about hey let's really like
the comment fire on the comment section
on fire remind people that what they eat
is going to influence their microbiome
is going to influence their production
of Serotonin is going to influence their
sleep is going to influence depression
anxiety all of it it just is and if
you're eating junk food you are making
everything worse not a moral judgment
it's just a biological reality now if
you can strip away the moral judgment
and realize you're not a bad person if
you eat junk food but you are a person
that's creating obstacles for feeling
good so all I'm saying is remove the
obstacles now there are people in my
life that I love that put every food
obstacle in their way humanly possible
they are actively in pain and they
actively tell me how much they're
suffering and they actively ask me what
they should do to stop suffering and
they keep doing it does that mean that I
think they are a worse person not in the
slightest I love them just as much I
think they're just as valuable as a
human being and I really wish that they
would remove the moral judgment from
themselves because it is not a moral
question it is 100 entirely a question
of this path leads to one outcome this
path leads to a different outcome pick
the path worthy you like the outcome and
then walk that path and so
people have to recognize I can do that
that there are it is cause and effect
there's nothing uh mythological about
this it's cause and effect but it is
hyper complicated it is both Psychology
and Physiology unwinding that will
almost certainly require that you get
help from professionals and other people
and so the shortest answer in the world
to your question is it's complicated
should we watch this episode
but even that like now how do you go in
and do like Lisa had me by her side and
it still took five years to get back to
Baseline with her microbiome and man
when you're in the thick of it the whole
time you're asking is this actually
going to work
because some days it doesn't feel like
it some days it feels like this is going
to be forever and it's not until you
look back a year and go yeah wow that's
right I actually have 17 more foods that
I can eat now that I couldn't eat before
but I still three days a week have just
absolute agony in my gut and so it's
still this still sucks then two years
you look back and you're like oh wow I'm
only having that two days a week
four years in you're like oh that's
right I only have it occasionally and
then five years and you're like God this
took a very long time there's a lot of
dark days for somebody struggling with
depression but if you don't believe that
you can unwind it if you don't believe
that you're in control even though it's
very complicated then you'll never do it
and having been a victim of something
would be horrible but you now have to
take control and say okay this sucks I
can undo the past but I always can
control how I react to that thing don't
take my word for it read man search for
meaning that is the ultimate form of
abuse he was in a concentration camp
it's like nobody's got a trump card to
play on him right and his punch line is
it's all about how you process it
emotionally so if if you can share with
her in that five years with their days
that Lisa just did not believe oh yeah
well they were the darkest days of my
marriage they were depression they were
me being afraid she was going to die
because she was so sick
there was her being so fed up I don't
even want to try anymore why Try why
bother there's no point
it's like wow that's hard there were
times where she would respond to love
with just rejection and anger it was
like what is happening and so it was
brutal and we didn't know I mean you had
to have Blind Faith that it was going to
work
oh it was gonna work no and there were
times where even I was like I have to
act as if this is going to work but I've
never been through this before and this
is early man we we as like a a
mainstream Society have only known about
the microbiome for like 10 years like a
year before Lisa got sick I'd never even
heard of the microbiome so it's like
dude this stuff is so complex that it it
does feel like a big question mark but I
will just say there is a solution to
every problem so those that judge that
you guys just sleep should often
tomorrow you will feel better again or
like what is like the thing to get back
to
to to base Baseline and not that um
um what do you call it like uh not
exaggeration but like um magnification
of the problem catastrophic thinking
yeah surviving it so the only way to
stop catastrophizing is to pattern
interrupt that not allow yourself to
wallow in that cognitive distortion to
say I'm going to base things on fact
and then have a growth mindset when you
have a growth mindset you have the only
belief that matters which is that if I
put time and energy into getting better
at this thing I will actually get better
at this thing so if I put time and
energy into learning about the
microbiome I will learn about the
microbiome so when I went into it I said
to Lisa look I'm gonna go learn about
the microbiome and I would wake up every
morning and the first thing I would do
is I would spend a couple of hours
researching the microbiome and I just
thought cool I let's say that there's no
doctor in the world that can solve her
problem I'm going to learn enough about
it to do it myself and so when you go
into it with the arrogance of belief and
it's like cool I don't need somebody
else to know this I will put all the
pieces together now thankfully it didn't
end up needing to be that but because I
approached it like that that I'll read
the studies I will learn all of these
things I'll do research if I have to I
will buy a microscope and start doing
laboratory tests but when you approach
something like that which is how I
approach all of life you realize oh I
get it other people don't succeed at
whatever because they're not willing to
be absurd they they're not willing to
say I'll I'll become a Nobel
prize-winning scientist to solve my
wife's problem if you're willing to say
that and actually act in accordance it's
unreal what you can accomplish now
obviously we solved the problem long
before I had to become a Nobel
prize-winning scientist but the fact
that I was willing to move like one the
fact that I was willing to go yeah I can
do this I can become that I'm not yet
I'm I'm gonna have to learn a lot I'm
gonna have to figure out how to read
abstracts and do research and ah
fine I'm not going to let my wife die my
number one priority is making sure that
we get her back on track and then you go
at it like a freak of nature but most
people cannot do the first part which is
to believe that it's [ __ ] possible
and this is what I want to scream to
people is like hey
[ __ ] you are average yes stop being
afraid of that you're average but you
can get better go [ __ ] learn but you
have to be a demon you have to give your
brain and body the impulse adapt or die
[ __ ] I will break you in half
before I give up when I put on the
muscle mass because boy did I used to be
a lot smaller when I would show up to
the gym every day I had to say adapt or
die and I'm just telling myself adapt or
die [ __ ] I will meaning my body
I'm gonna keep pushing you scream and
cry all you want we're doing this and I
would lift to the point I remember one
time this is when I was broke I couldn't
even unlock my car from the door I had
to lean across so open the passenger
side the lean across to the driver's
side and I had worked out so hard that I
couldn't hold up my own weight and I put
my arm in the seat to reach across and
my arm gave out and I literally just
face planted into the seat but you you
have to attack everything you do like
that and when you go that hard you will
be shocked everything will relent to
your Superior will
everything will relent to your Superior
will never forget that the reason most
people fail to achieve their goals is
twofold number one they don't have a
s