Kind: captions
Language: en
so in 2021
26 of all adult Americans did not have
sex even once in the entire calendar
year what are we getting wrong about sex
I think that what we're getting wrong
we're talking about the sex recession
that's happening yeah yeah I like that I
have not heard people use those words
before there is a sex recession and I
think what we're getting wrong about sex
is that we don't really understand how
to prioritize it why it's important
there's a lot of things that's keeping
us from having sex stress anxiety worry
about the economy worry about a global
pandemic I think there's a lot of things
that are replacing our
um desire for connection and intimacy
and I think these studies that are
showing this 26 aren't having sex is
they're also focusing a lot on young
people too I think so just more
terrifying in my estimation do you feel
differently I think it's all terrifying
when you think about mental health that
we're not having intimacy and sex I I
Define sex differently like I think of
sex sometimes just as intimacy and
connection and I think that that's what
we're really missing like this whole
loneliness epidemic but yeah I think
it's really I think anytime you hear
something like this with young people
our future concerns me for like
procreation it concerns me for the
mental health and wellness of people
that will be running this country and
this world because I think that sex is
an important part of our well-being so
yeah it's concerning obviously I'm
taking a more uh heterosexual approach
here but talk to me about
that decline the difference in males and
females I I have a hypothesis that
that's going to be a big part of this
and one of the things you talked about
in your book is polarity and the
difference between men and women or the
difference between partners because I
think you carry it on Far deeper than
just men and women but I feel like
there's something going on there so when
I think about like the boss [ __ ]
phenomenon So Lisa went through her own
transformation going from a stay-at-home
wife like very traditional and then
stepping into being an entrepreneur
stepping into that sort of Boss [ __ ]
role
and that was hard to navigate and so
when I think about all the cultural wins
that are celebrating
that which one could very easily read is
the masculinization of women and dare I
say that I see trends that I would call
the feminization of men could that be
playing some of this role in the sex
recession it might be I mean there are
some people say we're going more toward
an androgynous culture right now like
that we're going away from the the
matriarchy to the patriarchy to more of
a an androgative
I'm saying well there wasn't really I
mean when we talk about matriarchal
societies but there wasn't really women
who were the goddesses as we heard yeah
so the idea that polarity becomes an
important part of connection which you
talk about in your book that you need
difference it's a requirement and that
when you have that difference then you
get the attraction but if we are
masculinizing women and feminizing men
you're eliminating a lot of that
potential polarity
and my instinct anyway is that that is a
big part of it not that it's good or bad
just that it is going to have a very
predictable outcome as we have to
re-figure out what is that attraction
what is the drive what's my role so in
fact I'll I'll give a quote I think this
quote is really brilliant and is I'm
very interested to hear what you think
about this so Oscar Wilde said
everything is about sex except sex sex
is about power now when you
polish the edges off of that Dynamic
that power play
I worry that you diminish the polarity
and you make sex a far more confusing
thing of who's leading who's following
who initiates
etc etc okay so sex is about power and
so what we're talking about is sexual
polarity in the bedroom so what happens
outside the bedroom women are becoming
more masculine and men are becoming more
feminine so in some ways I think it's
great for people to be more in touch
with their feminine and their masculine
so let's just I think we should maybe
just first break down what that is
because I can tell you that and then we
can talk about sexual polarity and where
the masculine feminine matters but when
we talk about the masculine I want to
remind everybody that we all have
masculine and feminine energy inside of
us I have it you have it I think right
now I'm probably I'm in my masculine I'm
talking to you I'm talking business I'm
directed I'm purposeful I'm driven I
have a mission I'm talking to you right
and The Feminine is more ethereal it's
creative it's nurturing it it's you know
sensual sensuality and so in its feeling
and it's emotional so throughout the day
you know we all sort of go in and out of
it I'm going to assume that sometimes
you find yourself you have emotions and
femininity and you you even talk about
it on your show you showed those my
journey has been learning how to
masculinize myself there's no doubt
about that yeah okay so so I think that
we all go in different places and they
play a role in it I mean a role in our
development and I think that the more
that we talk about it it's so important
to recognize and it's not good or bad
and The Feminine isn't just inherently
weak and the masculine is inherently
like just strong and I think it's okay I
think the healthiest people know how to
lean into both to either side when they
need to and when they want to and I
think that a lot of what we see with if
you talk about like toxic masculinity if
you go back to that I think that that's
like the repression of a lot of the
sadness that men feel and a lot of the
inability like men told to Buck up and
don't don't show emotions when they're
young and I think a lot of that can get
can sort of become this way of not
knowing how to express emotions and I
think through the feminine men learn to
feel and to be sad and to be to feel a
lot of things which hasn't been okay
growing up for many it wasn't okay to
express their emotions so I think that
when we're talking about the feminine
exp that it's that it's I guess it's
giving all Sexes the permission to feel
everything is a masculine and The
Feminine okay so but when we talk about
polarity sexual polarity and we talk
about the sex recession and how that
relates we can just kind of go into that
for a minute for any kind of attraction
to happen somebody has to be leading and
somebody has to be following so think
about like a magnet right the polarity
like if you have the positive and the
negative you have two opposite sides of
a magnet right there are two two similar
sides of the magnet there's no they
can't right they're going to repel and
that's what happens when you have to a
couple who's but they're both in their
feminine or though that are masculine
now I'm also talking about same sex
couples here right if you have to give
gay men lesbian ends you need the mask
and thumb to create that attraction in
the bedroom you need those the Opposites
and so I think an understanding of how
that runs Sexual Energy is in power is
what is so important because I think
what happens is when I'm like in my boss
[ __ ] get it all done whatever and then
my partner comes home and he's in that
work there's no one's going to and you
know if we're both initiating the sex
it's going to happen if we're both
waiting for we're both in our feminine
waiting sex isn't going to happen there
either so you need to understand how to
tap in to your masculine how to tap into
your feminine when you want to create
sexual attraction and I think that the
understanding of that is what's really
missing so there's been a lot of
messaging and culture where you know I
think that men got kind of afraid from a
lot of things about being sexual or
making being attraction or hitting on
women and I think there was a lot that
was happening with me too and Harvey
Weinstein where perhaps there was a
culture that sort of a lot of men were
like fearful like I don't know the right
thing to do and I don't know how to to
lean into how to ask a person out or in
a heterosexual relationship how to ask
women I'm just I'm just going to shut
down or I'm going to not do anything
because there's fear that women were
like well okay I didn't want you to be
lecherous I didn't want any that but I
still want to feel like you're a man I
want I want to feel that I want to feel
you leading so I can follow in the
bedroom and create that attraction so I
think that's where we got really really
confused and maybe where we lost wait I
don't think that people really ever
really understand this to be honest but
I think that if we're talking about the
reasons why there hasn't been as much
sex happening is because we're not
understanding that you need to create
that Dynamic to create attraction and
arousal so that feels very intuitively
correct to me when all of the metoo
movement kicked off it was like word
like we need a lot of this there's a lot
of mayhem out there but at the same time
I can see how as you begin to polish all
the edges off of the dynamic that you
get to this point now where people are
very confused they don't know how to do
the approach when you have pornography
ready at your fingertips it becomes a
much safer way there's no rejection
there's no fear of something bad
happening to you you also have a
cultural message around guys just by
being aggressive you're being very toxic
and so as I was thankfully I mean is
this all kicked off I'm I'm already
married 15 years at this point you know
it's like none of that was really
affecting me but when I thought back to
where Elise and I were for people that
don't know our story I was her teacher
at a school for adults I want to be very
clear she was in her 20s uh but as her
teacher that was already sort of that
inherent power play
and when you think about sex as being
this
I mean to it is clearly I think we will
both agree it is an oversimplification
to say that sex is about power as
somebody who's in love with his wife and
has had an extraordinarily tender sex
and it can just it can be a whole other
thing but I think if you fail to
understand that it is also about power
that is certainly one of its gears that
there is a giving and receiving and
without understanding that dance there
can be some real awkwardness
um that's where I started looking at
that going this isn't going to end well
and this is going to end where you have
like Lisa to me really understands this
dance well which she says look I want to
be a boss I want to come in and do my
thing but I also want to be small in my
husband's arms right and so she is very
able to switch gears
and
I wonder do you get like when you talk
about it like that like yeah like go be
a boss [ __ ] but at the same time like
understand the power of the feminine
energy understand I'll say this is not
you these are my words the necessity
if you're certainly if you're with
somebody who's more masculine
if Lisa met me with masculine energy I'd
be turned off zero sex is going to
happen it's just not interesting to me I
want her to be very feminine in those
moments I want her to follow doesn't
mean I don't want her to initiate but I
want her to initiate in a feminine way
not an aggressive way right and do you
get pushback from the younger generation
is certainly my instinct around that
framing that it should even be set up
that way
[Music]
so I I think that we're still all
wrapping our heads around all this
because when we say that it's power and
I don't want to say because I think
people when they
when they were in sex they think like
maybe they think more of like a kink
play or BDSM or it's really aggressive
dominance but what I'm really just
talking about is like there has to for
anything to happen someone has to lead
someone has to to follow right so I
think that what we're getting is that
like I think the younger generation is
and it's funny because I was not even
talking to some people work with me
they're young and they're in their 20s
they're like I'm asking guys out and
we're going into the bar and I'm making
the moves and I'm I'm initiating it's
very very empowering for them and I
think a lot of the guys are saying what
they're saying to me is I get such a
relief that women are asking me out and
that we're we're that that I don't have
to make that move because a lot of it
there's I think there's also been a lot
of fear around or there's been a lot of
um
you know everything is a muscle right
like learning to ask so it's a habit so
if you were home during the pandemic and
you were staring at your screen and you
were you don't you're like kind of
losing the ability to go out and like
maybe face rejection or to to initiate
to approach someone so anyway I think
that there's a certain relief like it's
so nuanced so there's certain relief
that women are making the move they're
asking me out I love that I love I love
that freedom or I love it that's
happening and yet if the women are
continuing to do that but then in the
bed like but then they're still waiting
for the the guide to make the move
because that's where the the masculine
comes in it might be a little bit
confusing I think that they're still
trying to find their way I don't think
I'm getting pushback but I think even
using gender here is what's going to be
confusing to people but I can ask
someone out I can even pay for the bill
I can lead I can drive I can make the
plans but ultimately sex isn't just
about that act of sex in the bedroom
like we think it's about procreation
like right like penis goes into vagina
but if I'm asking somebody out and I'm
paying for the bill and I'm leading and
all that it's going to be really hard to
get in the bedroom be like okay now I'm
passive and now you lead so it's very
very nuanced to find where in the
relationship one person is leading and
one person is following so I guess the
best way I can explain it is to give you
like a personal example because I think
otherwise this gets really can get very
lost and I think I'm just going to be
real here with it so I run a business
I'm busy every day I manage people I'm
talking about sex although funny enough
like I'm not sitting around having sex
and being in my feminine all day like I
said I'm running a business however I'm
stressed I've got a lot of I got a lot
of responsibilities and you know my
partner too he runs a business and he's
busy but I know that for us our intimacy
and our connection is so important you
know sex is part of our mental health or
overall wellness it's really important
to have sex I think that side note a lot
of couples are concerned because their
sex life goes away takes a nose eye if
they wonder why they're no longer
connected and I think it's because they
don't understand this polarity so what
happens is when I know that for example
I want to be like it's been days you
know I've been in distress mode my
partner I've been connected I have to
make a conscious effort to say okay
I'm going to get into my feminine and
I'm going to start to move my feminine
energy and cultivate it so I can feel
connected to my partner because when I
am more in my feminine then he is able
to be more in his masculine and that's
where our attraction starts to to build
and to circulate because it's all sex is
all energy right and it all originates
like in our you know in our brains but
also when you think physically a way to
think about it is in our pelvic floor
like anytime you have a Ting or you know
even if you're like watching porn or
your brows are trying it's all happening
in our pelvic floor which is our power
source which is where the Energy starts
to flow for example so if I've been in
my if I've been in my masculine all week
or all day I'll do some practices that
allow to circulate this so I will
turn off my phone
I will step aside from work I'll slap my
shut my computer and I will go into my
bathroom and I've made that more of like
a Sacred Space for me and I will take a
bath or a steam shower and I will get
myself and I'll start to breathe so I
will
you know no one's coming in the room I
don't want to see my partner and I just
sort of light some candles now this is
the feminine okay so I don't want any
like eye rolling like of course like
candles and flowers but that is the
feminine that is the nature that is
grounding that is the source I need to
get back to that place I need to feel
that space I need to tap into that space
for me to start to feel more grounded in
my feminine so I will do some breath
work practices it's like I'll get in the
shot like I'm exhausted I've had my day
just like everyone else I'm exhausted
the calls the zoom meetings like oh my
God if I have to see one more person on
Zoom all the things the bills and then I
get in the show I turn off I play some
music and I will start to breathe so
sometimes I just can barely sometimes I
don't want to do it either Tom sometimes
I don't want to do that you don't want
to get into your feminine
about anything I don't want to think
about anything I don't want to have sex
anymore like I don't want to do it I
don't I'm exhausted I'm tired but I know
that for me to stay connected and once I
do I'm really happy like I'm thrilled
that I do and I feel better but I'm
saying this for the people and the
people listening who sometimes and this
happens to men too where they just don't
feel like they want to have sex they
just feel like because we're so in our
heads and what's keeping us from feeling
sexual and true authentic connection why
we're in a sex recession it's because we
forget to be in touch with our Sexual
Energy okay so I get in there and I'm
like okay I'm gonna do some breath work
some really deep breath work where it's
just like I'm breathing you know my
inhales are my exhales are longer than
my inhales right and I'm breathing in so
I'm starting to move my energy right and
maybe I'm making some noise and some
sounds and I'm sitting and I'm
meditating and breathing I'm in the sh
I'm feeling the hot water
and when I start to do this what I'm
doing is this is just the first thing
that anchors being and it doesn't have
to be that long of a practice sometimes
it's longer sometimes it's shorter but
when I'm breathing and I take a deep
breath in when I get to the top of my
breath maybe it's five or six counts I
do a Kegel exercise I do a pelvic floor
like clench okay and so that's just the
p-stopping muscles when you stop and
start the flow of urine that's a Kegel
and I want to remind you that men can do
that as well and men should do that as
well because men are often disconnected
from this they're in their heads or
thinking about porn they're thinking
about other things but how you stay
connected to your sexual energy is by
this tenting so I'll do like a a Kegel a
pelvic floor clench and release it's
almost like I'm pumping I'm pumping I'm
stimulating my my energy and then I'll
start to move right and I'll start to
move back and forth and I'll do some
kind of like body sways or going in the
in the like a circular motion where I'm
telling you if I start to do this right
now I could probably do this in this
room I can start to circulate my family
energy where I've done this before in
restaurants and bars where I've been
studying this like where you can feel
women starting to get in touch with
their energy I would just start to
breathe I start to kind of circulate in
a in a in a clockwise then
counterclockwise motion moving my pelvic
floor and breathing and cleansing are
you thinking about anything at this
point I'm not I'm not even really
thinking I'm just breathing and this is
connecting you to feminine energy
specifically specifically to the
feminine
and and I'm I'm I'm moving I'm breathing
I am I'm doing the things that make me
feel the most connected to myself
and I'm Letting Go from the day I'm
Letting Go from worry and I'm into the
it's nurturing it's creative and so this
is one way that I do it
and I got out of the shower and I'll put
some lotion on and I'll slow down the
masculine is fast purposeful directed
remember the feminist creative and
nurturing and softer maybe I'll lay down
on my bed I'll just kind of maybe I'll
go outside for a walk too like nature is
grounding like nature is also part of
the feminine it also helps the masculine
but all of these factors are the things
that allow us to get more connected to
the source so I'll do these things and
immediately like you know I will feel
like I'll get dressed or I'll like
change things I'll change the music I'll
have the sense going on so again your
senses are also are a big part of this
it's like what am I smelling what am I
hearing what am I tasting and I use
everything around me to kind of envelop
to get me more into my family and I sort
of start to circulate that energy become
more in touch with it I can do this in
five minutes I could do this in three
hours but either way I'm just sort of
more connected to it and then my partner
will come over or come in and I'm much
more softer I'm breathing I'm not
meeting him with like did you did you
pay this bill did you call thing what's
going on how was your day I'm not coming
at him with a to-do list I'm not coming
at it with everything that we need to do
I allow him to lead what are we doing
tonight where are we going have you made
the plan like I'm not being purposeful
and directed we've already agreed to
this that I need him to make the plans
like this night now there's some nights
where I might make the plans but on the
nights where we want to have like our
date night and this is something that I
like I highlight I know that you and
Lisa do this I believe you do when I've
talked to you that you have a purposeful
night that you say like this is our
night or this is our weekends where we
shut off our phones and it's about us
and I'm telling you Tom that if more
couples did that rather than living in
this amorphous masculine I'm in the mask
and you're in the feminine or I'm I'm in
my map I'm the wife for example and
again this is gendered but this is the
best way to do it where I'm telling you
what to do and I'm giving you all the
errands of taking care of the kids and
the house and things and I'm I'm the one
in charge like there's no room for both
of the entities to flow so I've had to
learn to let go of control in ways so I
let my partner like I need you to pick
the place we're going I need you to
decide what we're doing because that is
the masculine so when I'm in my body
embodied
and I'm breathing and I'm grounded that
allow him to be purposeful and Mission
driven he decides what we're doing where
we're going he is leading I am following
we've started to line up our energy and
circulate that so we're in a more
connected
erotic place are you familiar with the
idea of hypergamy
I think so oh God this is so interesting
so as you were describing all that I'm
literally shocked to my core that you
don't get pushback from younger people
which is amazing I'm very grateful so
let me just have a misread
um but what resonates with me there is
so hypergamy just to Define that quickly
is the female tendency to date across
socially or up women do not date down so
they want a guy that makes more money
than them they want a guy that they
perceive as smarter than them they're
always trying to go across or up so at
least that's smart at least as much
money or more and they're perfectly fine
with that you don't guys don't do that
so guys could not care less uh how
little money you make in fact you
probably make them feel awesome if they
make more money than you
um but because women date across and up
as women go more into the workforce as
women realize hey we're just as smart as
the guys we're just as capable You're
Now setting the bar higher and higher
making it harder for men to lead because
you never want to say to somebody slow
down so I can lead right so the guy then
needs to outperform but I think this is
part of what's creating this problem is
that one it's just taboo at least from
where I'm sitting in the social media
circles that I run in it would be very
taboo to say women you want to find a
guy that can lead
that like if I sent that tweet out right
now I would get just mauled I'm talking
about sexually I'm talking about
creating that energy for for the dynamic
and I'm telling you this is happening in
same-sex relationships too so I I mean
honestly like I I see what you're saying
women dating up so biologically speaking
that's what we're attracted to we want a
caregiver we want all that but I think
some of that's changing like I I do too
and I think that's why 26 percent of
people have sex I don't know like I I
say this but like I probably shouldn't
say this but I I do
I'm not looking for those things in a
partner like I'm not looking for them
I'm not looking for the money and I'm
not looking for someone who makes more
than me and I never have I've never been
that person but I've been looking for
somebody and I don't and I don't know
how to explain that that's like
upbringing Society I was raised my
mother said never rely on a man to take
care of you so I've always been about
like making my own living and doing my
own thing and leading however I've also
made sex the study of sexuality my
business because my greatest fear was
getting to a relationship when I was
younger I would date people and then the
Sexual Energy would Wane after a while
we would no longer in the honeymoon
phase where it was exciting I was like
what is the secret to keeping it still
hot like what do you do because that
just seems really awful to be with
someone for the rest of your life and
you no longer want to have sex with them
anymore and what I'm talking about is
the sexual polarity which I think is the
key to it so I don't I don't want my
partner to lead all of the time in fact
I think I'm way smarter at so many
things than he is like I think with
business and better I think I'm better
at marketing I think I have a lot of
ideas that I'm like really you know I
lean into doing it he's got them in some
ways I'm I am leading a lot of things
but when it comes to attraction and date
night and intimacy and connection and
and and touch and all the things that
are really really important for me I
know that I'm more of submissive and I
need somebody more dominant and so in
order for that Sexual Energy to happen
just enough whether it's once a week
once every 10 days whenever it is
hopefully more often than that because
the more you do it it becomes a habit I
am softening into what I need to be
sexually satisfied and fulfilled so
that's where I want him to lead like I
want him to maybe it's for that night
because we all you know it's for a few
hours so because that's the only way the
sex is going to happen you can reboot
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this Nuance is exactly what I think is
creating the issue and again I'm not
saying whether it's good or bad I'm
saying it has consequences and as so
even going back to hypergamy so
one obviously I'm talking averages no
one person is going to fit perfectly
into anything I'm also not passing
judgment on that I don't think it's
problematic for women to have a certain
set of things on average that they look
for
um and nobody wants to be in a
relationship with somebody that they
aren't equals so I want to be very clear
that the reason I think that we're
seeing a decline is that once societal
so I mean really a lot of this starts
with the pill right once women are no
longer they can deal with having a
period from a sanitary perspective and
they can have sex without getting
pregnant a lot of things begin to change
we see women flooding into the job
market absolutely crushing it because of
course women are incredibly intelligent
like anybody intelligence is evenly
distributed across men and women I mean
it's there's some weirdnesses but
whatever just as an average it's it is a
wise way to approach the world to assume
when you meet a man or a woman to just
assume they could be just as intelligent
as anybody else and so that isn't going
to be the problem where we run into a
problem is that there is this Nuance
between are you able to shift gears yes
or no are you able to understand that
I'm good at some things my partner is
good at others and that's good right in
the beginning of my relationship I
thought at least would only find me
sexually attractive if I was better than
her at everything and so that created
all this friction until I realized oh
wait who would want to be in a
relationship like that
but if you don't understand that when it
comes to sex the Dynamics is going to be
different So Lisa and I for instance I
have to go from she is my business
partner my equal partner that she is
very good at business and so it would be
very wise of me to know when to follow
her but that when it comes to sex that
there is a different Dynamic and my
whole thesis and admittedly I'm just
beginning to explore this but my whole
thesis is that this is really what's
beginning to break down that this has
opened up this incredible amount of
nuance where people have to really
understand that there is at at a
had a high level there is a tendency for
women to date across and up as they make
more money that narrows the pool and so
when you do these like Street surveys
where they ask women like okay what are
your non-negotiables my eyes got to be
six feet tall uh he's got to make at
least a hundred thousand dollars uh he
has to be somewhat in shape it it ends
up being I saw one recently and the list
was pretty basic it wasn't crazy and it
was what I just said plus like one or
two more things and it was like point
three five percent of men meet that
qualification and nobody would look at
the list and go that's that's absurd it
wasn't like oh they have to be worth a
million dollars what I mean it was
really like some pretty straightforward
stuff and that was still point three
five percent of men and so if you don't
go oh wow all of these things have
consequences and thusly I need to figure
out how to address those consequences
when I think about you or I think about
Lisa it's people that have figured out I
both want to times be assertive but then
at times understand that there's this
whole other gear
where from her perspective she finds it
compelling for me to lead is the easiest
answer not all the time of course not
she's a fully realized human being but
if people don't contend with these
things I think they will forever be
surprised that
there is a sex recession going on that
modern dating is disrupting something
something is going wrong to give you an
idea 46 of Japanese youth say that
sexual contact they they despise sexual
contact despise despise so I'm just
saying something is breaking down and
what I'm trying to walk through is what
is that and it is really like I know
even trying to be thoughtful and think
through this and again I'm not judging
any of this I just want to understand
what's going on how do we navigate it
well what are things that we want to
change about the setup like hey maybe
people should be more thoughtful about
how much time to spend on social media
hey maybe people should have open
conversations with their partner about
sexually do I want to lead or do I want
to follow and that when you start trying
to because I I think if I were gonna
boil this all down to one thing
I would say the big problem that people
are making is that they approach people
as if they are blank slates
and one thing you mentioned it already
you talk about it in your book I and I
think it's very smart sex is to
understand that the brain is the largest
sex organ and if you fail to understand
the brain if you fail to understand that
there are sex differences in the brain
if you fail to understand that hormones
which are driven by sex are meaning what
sex you are male or female that you are
going to be very confused and what I'm
always trying to get people to
understand is that the brain is a
prediction engine your brain is
constantly trying to predict and
this is going to get complex very fast
but so when you understand that your
brain is creating a simulation of the
real world so to give you an idea we see
point point
0032 of the visible spectrum of
um light what we call the visible
spectrum of light is only 0.0032 of
electro magnetic radiation so we're all
ready we just assume that what we see is
everything when in reality it's less
than half a percent
so your brain is reconstructing a
simulation to try to help you navigate
through the world
what people ought to be doing in my
estimation is going uh I predict that
the outcome of my behaviors will be this
and if it is that then you're close to
ground truth if it isn't that there's a
flaw in your model and you should be
trying to figure out what truth is my
whole hypothesis is that the sex
recession is a sign that our model's
broken there's something we don't
understand that no one predicted this
we're headed towards population collapse
like for real for real for real and so
when you have 46 of Japanese youth
saying they despise sexual contact when
you have 26 percent of American adults
adults this I'm not saying like 15 year
olds adults not having sex in the entire
calendar year and that was before the
pandemic so I have to imagine that
number has been hammered even lower so
there's something flawed in our model
and what I want to better understand and
the reason that I find this topic so
interesting I'm on the other side of it
I'm married I have a thriving sex life
I've managed to navigate the transition
from my wife being a housewife
all day feminine and then migrating into
something where it's now feminine is one
of the gears but she can also show up in
a business context hyper masculine and
having to navigate that so it's like
I've done everything I can to refine
refine refine my model to get to where
I'm like okay I can still predict the
outcome of my behaviors but as I look at
the Next Generation I'm legitimately
worried that we're not thinking through
the right problems and just to summarize
the problem I think is that they think
we're blank slates and they're not
recognizing the differences I'll say
between men and women I think that's the
most
foundational category to understand
because of its impacts on the brain
there's a lot there to impact Town value
because yeah I mean
the fact that
Japanese are saying that it's
just what is it disgusting despise
sexual contact they just buy sexual
contact and then and that we're not
having sex here in this country
just points to the fact that we
grossly misunderstand
what the purpose of sex why we have sex
why we get turned on why we get aroused
what like what is attractive to us what
why like why it matters we've been fed a
whole bunch of misinformation and we
have lack of sex education pretty much
everywhere in the world except for in
the Dutch countries that is the only
place where sex education I think makes
sense because we talk about pleasure
and we just so so give me a rundown what
do they do okay so here so here's what
happens well okay we can go there
so in America
and in most countries when we talk about
sex it is mostly fear-based
and
there's a lot of judgment there's a lot
of fear a lot of danger you're going to
get pregnant you're going to get an STI
you're going to be a [ __ ] you're going
to this terrible thing is going to
happen if you sleep with too many people
no one's going to want to marry you like
there's all this negative messaging
the only place where they don't talk
about it is if you go to the Dutch
countries they will talk about you're
going to get pregnant be careful STIs
all the things but they also talk about
pleasure and they talk about Joy they
talk about orgasm they talk about
arousal they talk about connection they
talk about intimacy they teach emotional
intelligence in schools and they say
like oh you talk about puberty in a real
way that's like this you're gonna start
to get these emotions and feelings for
somebody and here's what it means and
they talk about it and it's not like
it's once a year in gym class your gym
teacher's teaching you sex is what
happens in America right like you roll
out a picture like the ovaries and the
Fallopian tubes and like that's it they
literally start pre-verbal like when
there's a kid like they talk about it
like when there's like a toddler right
so let's say
in America if there's a baby right and
like my parents are cuckooing and
they're like okay well here's your toes
and your knees and your thighs and your
stomach and we're like we jump over the
genitalia it's this part that has no
name but if we're in the countries like
in the Netherlands in these countries
they'll say like this is your they name
the part so they'll say this is your
your knees and they'll say your thighs
and your penis your testicles they'll
say your vulva your vagina there is no
fear naming the parts is this like on
their version of Sesame Street like I'm
really trying to imagine that children
songs yeah this is it this is their
Sesame Street like but this is just like
there's no because there's no shame
there's no shame about it there's no
like that's private that's wrong that's
not something that you should ever
express to anybody touching your body
parts is wrong I mean there's just they
just really like it's open and then as
the kids get older they talk about
consent they tell and this is something
that people have tried to talk about in
America and people make fun of them but
like there are some places where like
you have to consent to somebody touching
you so they'll tell your kid if anyone
wants to touch your your penis or touch
your body like you get to decide like
it's a much more embodied culture where
they're understanding like where they're
giving consent to anyone touching them
or even like
dressing them or changing their diapers
or saying like I'm gonna now I'm going
to change your diaper I'm going to touch
you in this way and I know that people
are gonna be like that just sounds awful
but they are connecting their brain and
their body their mind and their body to
their sexuality and there's no shame
around it and so what happens if you go
to America in a lot of countries
probably in Japan
what we don't remember is when a kid is
like very young right you might be like
a toddler you might not even remember
this but some of our earliest messaging
around sex is like as a kid we might as
a toddler we might soothe ourselves by
putting our hands on our pants boys and
girls do this all the time but what
would happen is a parent's reaction
which you might not even remember might
be like don't do that that's dirty
that's wrong what are you doing and so
our very first message around touching
our genitals is that that is wrong that
is shameful that is dirty now what if we
grew up in a home that was very very
religious right we grew up in a place
that said like you know if sex is dirty
it's shameful it's wrong you can only
have sex for procreation
um you know and if you do if you don't
you're going to go to hell or if you
touch yourself you're going to grow hair
on your palms it wasn't that long ago
that we had to go messaging You're Gonna
Go Blind right and so if this is the
messaging that we got right and then all
of a sudden we're like told me you know
that last time we go off and have sex
it's like we're having it's like we're
given the keys to the car without having
driver's education we're saying like go
off and have sex but all we have told
you that it's shameful it's wrong it's
distasteful and you might go to hell for
having sex so this all this really mixed
messaging around sex which is more
common than you think and in places that
we don't even realize like it's very
Insidious right but even if you didn't
grow up in a religious home which I did
not I still had some shame around it I
still was like it's you know to be be
sexy but not too sexy be sensual you
know be be into it but not that into it
you know just there's just all these
mixed messages right so then you go off
and you have sex and there's not a lot
of information about how to do it right
how to do it correctly right but then
you have the Advent of porn now porn's
been around since the beginning of time
we have the cave drawings of people but
what I'm talking about is the porn in
your pocket like porn that's available
with a smartphone so that's been almost
like
when did the first bar maybe almost 20
18 years 19 years so now porn is
ubiquitous it's available everywhere
children are seeing porn at eight years
old now jeez they're like on Candy Crush
and then there's like boobs and they're
like Mommy what's this right and there's
like or they're not even telling their
parents and they're seeing pornography
at an early age without sex education
because let's remember what's happening
in America right now we are like Roe
reread we're rolling back rights but yet
there's also no sex education like only
17 states require sex ed to be medically
accurate right now if they teach it at
all so now we're saying like you can't
have sex yeah it doesn't have to be
medically accurate meaning that like
that's yeah there's sex that's not
accurate it's not medically accurate
it's not even factual
in 17 states only require it maybe it's
maybe that numbers change to maybe 20
something but for many years it was 17
States required to be medically accurate
we don't really care about sex education
in fact in most of the states in America
we don't really prioritize it we kind of
hope it doesn't really happen we think
if we teach sex ed that kids are just
going to go off and be sexual but going
back to the Dutch countries what we see
is when kids have accurate information
about the dangers around sex maybe and
some of the fears around it but we also
talk about pleasure and joy and
connection and intimacy which is all a
really important part about being alive
and being human like we need connection
and touch and intimacy like that is a
requirement for a healthy life
when we're told about that and how to do
it responsibly we have much better
outcomes than here where we're told
we're not really told anything so
there's this dangerous thing that's
happening which I think that maybe we
could
unpack here is that pornography
without sex education
this is one hypothesis is dangerous and
it's what we're seeing is maybe we won't
be procreating as much you won't be
having as much sex we'd rather just stay
home and maybe look at our screens
because at least I had an orgasm where I
had some pleasure and that felt pretty
good but there was less risk I didn't
have to be rejected by a human I didn't
have to go out there and embarrass
myself I'd have to try to do something
I'm not comfortable with but I still
felt pretty good and now I can go off
and like play video games or go see my
friend but I don't have to have that
risk so how do we begin to back out of
that then is it blocking porn is it uh
educating kids not to watch so much porn
is it teaching them not to death grip
like what do we do this group doesn't
help I think there's a lot of it I think
there's a lot we can do because again
I'm not bashing porn at all either
here's the thing porn has a purpose a
utility but porn is also let me just say
this
most of the porn that you see is created
by men four men under the male gaze like
this is what men want to see
and so like that when you search porn
and you look at porn like that's that's
what you're gonna see there is nowhere
in that equation that we're even taking
into consideration what women find sexy
or hot like women's eroticism well let's
talk about that what do you can what do
you consider
the porn that women consume without
um having to encourage it because I
would say they consume porn it's just
not the same kind of thing it's not the
same kind of thing so there is some more
they did women do conserve they do they
do and I'm not saying again we are not
speaking for every woman and every man
at all but there has been an emergence
of porn that we call now ethical porn
but do women really watch ethical porn
if they know about it they do and they
love it but it's not easy to find you
have to you know why it's not easy to
find
because women are making it and women
don't give a [ __ ] and it's never going
to make any money but there is a porn
industry for women that makes a lot of
money a lot
okay
erotica erotica
that to me goes back to your brain as a
prediction engine once you understand
that men are visually inclined they want
to watch visual pornography and so of
course the pornography is four men by
men and and look I get women saying like
oh man like I wouldn't want to be in any
of those sex acts respect I totally
understand that and when AI comes online
trust me real women won't be important
anymore but that is a conversation right
that is what guys want women to want
Fair
erotica is what women want men to want
which is you know 400 pages and uh you
know in the end they finally have sex
and he tears her you know exactly uh her
dress off of her but it it is very very
different and when I when the whole um
50 Shades of Gray phenomenon happened
I had no idea how intense that book was
and Lisa was reading it and all of her
girlfriends were reading I was like I
gotta read it like uh slice this I
picked it up and started reading I was
like oh my God like this is this is
pornography but for women and there's a
book called a billion Wicked thoughts
have you read it no I've yeah parts of
yes Emily read the whole thing oh my God
you're gonna love it it's so incredible
the way that it breaks down the
difference between male porn female porn
what they're interested in
mind-blowing yes so anyway so you're
saying four men by men Fair
but
women just have a whole different shtick
women are attracted to many more things
they're worse so we're also more open in
our desire in our browser women find a
lot of more things more attractive than
men too they do that women are more open
but I think it's also because women have
a permission to be sexual and so for
women they might show pictures of even
if I'm attracted to men I might find
women attractive men and attractive
where they had yeah this is Meredith men
have a thing over their penis to tell if
it's getting engorged and women have
something that measures vaginal
moistness yeah yeah they're clitoris
they're gorgemen and they're clitoris
and so and then for men it's like they
are attracted to what they State they
are attracted to so if a guy says I'm
straight you show them images of
straight sex he's about it that's it
show them images of gay sex not about it
a woman on the other hand because this
study is fascinating what happens the
women they're attracted to everything
they're more open they're more attracted
to different kinds of sexual acts
different kinds of people sometimes like
animals and things like things just turn
them on they they're they're sexual one
reason it could be is that that women
also haven't has as much permission to
be as sexual and to be to even Stoke
their desires and to even think about
what turns them on and what arouses them
because most of our sexuality has sort
of been
co-opted by by what men think is hot and
what men think is sexy so I think
there's a certain biological
just in pornography well I think there's
everywhere like I think that women are
told that they are that our sexuality
has been more policed so the from a
societal narrative we've been more
police we've been more told that it's
not okay to express desires that we have
to be more passive we have to be more
receptive and that what we find no one
really ever asked what we found hot are
attractive or sexual because for so many
years we would be persecuted for being
sexual we would be we would see we're
we're [ __ ] shamed we are you know I mean
this is not that long ago that like
women I mean really really when marriage
at women of the property of men or like
I know like in the 70s like my mom
couldn't get a credit card and before
the birth control pill really we didn't
have a lot of options we really weren't
looking at we weren't free to say what
does feel good to me what is my turn on
what might I find hot so we're a little
bit more open a little bit more liberal
we can talk about hormones and biology
but then there's also this cultural
narrative cultural structures as well
and it's all sort of this Melting Pot of
Attraction arousal sexuality that we're
still trying to unpack I think to really
understand like what is at the core of
desire and attraction so interesting I
want to go back to that study so I
forgot about that study I read it a
while ago and what absolutely had my
brain melted I remember going to Lisa
and being like Oh my this is crazy so I
have no idea what the stats are I only
have like uh the the sort of subculture
Whispers but
when I was a kid in the 80s it was like
the joke was oh women all women
experiment with same-sex when they're in
college
but you start reading these studies and
you go maybe like obviously not all
women experiment with women in college
obviously but
that becomes the mythology for a reason
so going back to that study and women's
I'm not even sure how to categorize it
but the fact that they are sexually
responsive to a broader array of things
than men is very interesting and I had a
an evolutionary biologist on the show
one time and my parting question to him
was why on God's green earth is the
clitoris on the outside
because Emily
until you understand that wome