Kind: captions
Language: en
[Music]
Stefan speaks welcome to the show thank
you for having me I'm excited to have
you man I've seen all the stuff that
you've done with Lisa on women of impact
and I want to get into modern dating
what's happening now as somebody who's
been in my marriage now for 20 years
it's like it's a real thing thank you so
guys that are going after high value
women and are struggling to get them
what are they doing wrong are they
chasing too much they're not chasing
enough
what should they be doing well I think
the first thing might be how they Define
high value woman okay you know and so I
think some men
may be placing value in the wrong things
and the high value woman to a lot of men
is about how attractive she is and
though of course I believe attraction is
extremely important you can't Overlook
that I do think some men get blinded by
it and it causes them to overlook other
important issues and potential red flags
within this woman which sets them up for
a lot of failure
um but so depending on how we Define it
I I do think there's there's become sort
of a pop culture way of defining it one
of the things I want to talk to you
about is not Andrew Tate but the Andrew
Tate phenomenon so he's speaking to
something that caught me off guard so
the the young men that you see on the
other side of this camera were they were
asking me if I knew who he was I was
like I have no idea who that is like you
should really listen to them and then I
listened to him and I was mortified and
they were like but look how big he is
and so it he's speaking to something
that
is
um it was very surprising to me and so
the idea of
a high value woman as it's being talked
about in culture now can you give us
like a quick primer on that and then
what it is about that that you think
culture is getting right and what what
is culture getting wrong well I think so
to be completely honest I haven't gotten
the full definition of high value women
uh from the internet because I've heard
different things so there hasn't been
this consensus that I have yet to hear
now I from looking at it from the Andrew
Tate perspective I do believe it
includes things like a woman who doesn't
have much of a past you know someone
who's highly attracted not a lot of
sexual partners yes not a lot of sexual
partners to some of these guys no no
sexual partners at all seems to be the
requirement now
um someone of course who was attractive
then of course I know the one consensus
is her being feminine or what they say
is cooperative being willing today this
is that word yes they use the word
Cooperative yes nice that's a polite way
to say it okay so I think those are some
of the ingredients to high value women
that they're proposing now I think we
can look at high value women also from
the perspective of because so before
Andrew Tate there was Kevin Samuels and
he kind of got the the term high value
really going on the internet in today's
culture and so one thing some of me and
my colleagues discussed was that you
could look at high value as the
individuals who have the doors open
easier for them to the opposite sex all
right now the thing is if you look at it
that way it really separates the fact
that high value does not equate to good
person it's not an automatic thing
because a woman can be extremely
beautiful and have doors open for her
everywhere but it doesn't mean she's a
good person it doesn't mean she's going
to be a good partner all right so again
it depends on where men are placing
their value but if we just go with the
feminine Cooperative looks good doesn't
have a past things of that nature
I think for a lot of men what's where
they're going wrong is that they are not
figuring out the life they want to live
first so one of the dangers of what's
happening on the internet in my opinion
today is there's this constant push of
where you have to make x amount of money
to be somebody you have to make x amount
of money to get this great woman and yes
finances play a significant role in
relationships we can't deny that and
women desire Financial stability however
if that doesn't align with who you are
as a man you're asking for trouble so
it's like a guy has to be real with
himself if he's a simple living guy and
would be happy just let's just say I'm
throwing out the numbers 60 000 a year
but he lives in a town where sixty
thousand gets them by perfectly fine has
a roof over his head food on his plate
and he can find him a partner who loves
him who he aligns with and can be happy
with he doesn't need to push to that
higher over six figure level because
people don't understand there's a
sacrifice that comes with that and
everyone's not wired for that and even
when you look at it from the woman from
the what you're looking for in a woman
perspective some of these men want this
extremely beautiful woman but can you
handle that does she fit your lifestyle
because if you're a Frugal man for
example and this very beautiful woman
likes spending money that's going to be
a huge conflict in your relationship and
so you have some men who go out of their
way to impress this type of woman to
capture her attention but then not
really being honest about the fact that
they can't sustain this and then when
they can't sustain it and she starts to
feel some kind of way and get mad well
now it's women are ungrateful women are
dismissed like wait a minute you sold
her on something that you can't keep up
it's almost like if you got one for a
woman and she started having sex with
you and she was yours bona fide freak
she did everything you wanted right and
you loved it and then two months in it
was like oh no I can't keep doing that
that's too much I just did that to make
you happy and to get you but now that I
got you it's done you would be pissed
off so I think a lot of men are not
defining what kind of Life they really
want to live what kind of Life they can
sustain which then will determine what
kind of woman fits into their life and
then whether she's considered high value
or Not by Society she would be high
value to you because she will be able to
bring you happiness and peace okay so it
sounds like you're coming at this from a
different angle and I think it's worth
really starting to tease these ideas out
so we have what and this is how it feels
from the outside culture is painting a
picture of what relationships are that I
think is dysfunctional at the level of
definition and that if you accept their
definition you're you're headed to
misery so I would say at the cultural
level the idea of um the the popular way
that the quote-unquote manosphere paints
this picture uh whether it's Tate or
fresh and fit all the things that my
team has introducing to
um it's adversarial yeah and my thing is
the reason my marriage works is that
it's not adversarial we look at each
other like real partners and equals
now we have very different skill sets I
think men and women are very different
temperamentally on average of course
they're they're overlapping averages so
at the extremes it gets very different
in the middle there's a lot of overlap
so you might have a woman who was more
masculine than a lot of guys and you
might have a guy that's more feminine
than a lot of women but nonetheless when
you take it all on average you're better
off betting that a guy will be more
traditionally masculine you want to be
more traditionally feminine and so at
least understanding sort of the natural
leanings can be very helpful but we
don't see ourselves as adversarial so
that's one of these things where
um I think that it's important to your
point to get the definitions right to
figure out okay what is it that I value
in a woman
and then or maybe even a relationship
it's a more important way to think about
it and then they're going to be traits
that a woman will bring into the
relationship but the relationship is the
thing that you share and so
understanding how each of the people are
going to
react in the sort of chemical soup that
is a relationship becomes really
important but then there's this new idea
that you're introducing which is that
you also have to be honest about not
averages and all of that but what are
you like very specifically which is I
talk a lot about your goal makes demands
so if you want to be
um a gold medalist in the Summer
Olympics for swimming then you're going
to have to practice swimming a lot your
diet's gonna have to be a certain way
all that yeah and so if you want the
sixty thousand dollar lifestyle and
you're looking for a low maintenance
life you're going to need somebody
that's low maintenance by nature and so
that's going to make demands in the pool
of women that you pursue yes so that's
very interesting so now we have if you
agree that we need to be thoughtful
about how we Define value compatibility
whatever words we're using you need to
be thoughtful about that but then we
also have to
realize that there there is no
one-size-fits all and so we have to know
what we're going for yeah because I mean
at the end of the day again there's a
lot of men aspiring or buying into what
the internet is selling them when it's
not really true to who they are why do
they fall prey to that because I think
there's a reason well they fall prey
because they don't know who they are to
begin with and so what cues are they
picking up on just what their friends
tell them is cool well I think so it's a
combination of yes they're picking up on
what Society friends but also the other
side of it is men are being shamed
sometimes for not
aspiring to that higher level so
basically if you don't want that six
figures well what's wrong with you you
you're not good you know you're you're
weak you're this if you want love that
you know a lot of men are not honest
about how much they want a relationship
and value having a woman in their life
because they don't want to be called a
simp or they don't want to be made at
their look at as a beta male or
something and it's like so people are
not being true to who they are and what
they truly desire and they're letting
the internet fool them because the crazy
part is the internet stuff doesn't
represent the majority what people fail
to understand is the a lot of the
content that is being put out there is
based on the idea that these women want
this high value man who is a part of at
most 10 and I don't think it's ten
percent three percent of men out there
so are you really trying to strive to be
that three percent everyone can't be
that three percent there's nothing wrong
with that we're not all built to be that
again you may not be happy like we have
to understand even in business there's
moments where you could do some things
and make you a lot more money but then
you have to ask yourself is the
sacrifice worth it is the extra headache
worth it is the extra content I have to
push out there worth it do I want to
lose my peace of mind for these extra
dollars and sometimes you realize no
again whether it's because you just
don't aspires those things or you're
just not wired for that you don't find
your happiness there like there was a I
don't know if it was a Chinese proverb
or something but there was a story I saw
on the internet where there's this rich
guy he sees this uh man in this uh
Village right and the guys like fishing
every day he goes out to fish and
whatever and so the guy's like well why
don't you build your business and do all
these things and long story short The
Village guy was just like so you're
doing all this work for what so you can
one day be free so that you can fish and
have free time like me I already have
that
I don't need to do all this extra work
I'm happy where I am so I just think
that people aren't taking time to know
themselves are letting this idea of
feeling shamed or being guilted into
thinking they have to do it a certain
kind of way really confuse them and also
because again people are not considering
what is the sacrifice that comes with
trying to acquire certain things so
another analogy I like to use is like
everyone wants a really nice car so
there's tons of people who want let's
say a Rolls Royce but are you going to
be happy making that payment are you
gonna be happy with the maintenance are
you going to be happy with the attention
that you might get in this car that
isn't what you really think is going to
be
some of you will realize that it's not
worth it at that point and you'll be
happier in your Corolla you'll be happy
you're in your your central whatever you
know people aren't going to believe you
though until they try it this is this is
one of the things that is utterly
fascinating about money so money's super
powerful it's more powerful than most
people think but it's it can't touch
your sense of self which is what they
think it will do they think it will make
them feel cool and it won't yeah
part of what I think is going on in a
modern dating environment so one what
you put your finger on seems very true
to me that Society is celebrating
certain things and you want to do the
things that's
um Society celebrates because it feels
good to be in alignment with that but
the other part is a hot girl triggers
something in your limbic brain like dude
I am I am captain faithful and I know
that my wife will watch this interview
so I want everybody to be very
comfortable with everything I'm about to
say but
I'm captain faithful it matters to me a
lot to run so we all get one life the
experiment that I'm running is what does
your life look like when you share it
with one person and so that that's the
whole thing so it doesn't mean that I'm
not attracted to other people I am 100
I've always been honest with my wife
about that
but dude when you see
an attractive young woman it grabs a
part of your brain and yes I mean brain
and it squeezes it and it just like it
it has your attention it's really hard
way and I've had those moments where I'm
like wow I actually get how people that
can't control their emotions get
themselves in trouble because I think it
was Sam Harris that pointed something
out and they were debating about who has
more power men or women and if it wasn't
Sam forgive me Sam but I think it was
where he was like hold on a minute I'm
not sure that there's as much
discrepancy and power as people think
you could never get a
um woman to throw away her life on a man
because he looked good yeah but you can
get a billionaire to throw away a
30-year marriage kids ever for sex and
so I think going back to what's
happening now is
this starts to get complicated any
second where you're like that doesn't
make sense to me by all means jump in
okay but you've got this
Society has stopped reinforcing uh
traditional male values being a
traditional guy has become very found
upon its toxic masculinity there's no
thing for people to look up to we have a
fatherless crisis the number of young
men having sex is plummeting
um while we very much needed to get out
of the toxic soup that was Harvey
Weinstein and all that now there's like
a lot of fear in the mix as well like if
I make the wrong like when I think about
how I hit on my wife for the first time
would never do that now yeah but it
ended up getting me my wife and it was
quite playful but it just it was too it
was yeah it was walking a fine line and
that's what made it enticing to her but
it's if if it had been a Miss if I had
misread the woman that was receptive to
that it would have been bad so you get
this milia now where guys are just like
they're they're pulling out of the race
right
and you get part of the the Tate
phenomenon again I'm not interested in
the person I'm interested in the
phenomenon yeah part of that phenomenon
is just
be a man be hard stand up take care of
yourself be a badass be dominant be
aggressive and all of a sudden the
things you've always secretly not
secretly you have a biological
imperative to find that interesting so
the second somebody presents that it's
like ooh like that feels better than
this fearful
anxiety-ridden vibe that I've been
sitting in growing up without a strong
role model all of a sudden somebody in a
Instagram filtered you know life is
showing me money
um emotional stability dominance like
all these things that I want to be and
then they're telling me and this is the
relationship that you should have with
women so it's like wow that actually
does sound a lot better I'd be dominant
she's submissive
um she's beautiful no past all of that
and coupled with and I need to make
money and all this so it's it's a whole
dream that's sold and it has enough real
hooks that people go for it going back
to money
people will always stuff on and I mean
always pursue Fame and money
no matter how many people get ruined by
Fame and money people will still pursue
it so I was like why and the answer is
because Fame and money are real they're
useful yeah money is the great
facilitator you can build anything you
want you can get
anybody to do anything within their code
of ethics I think we'd all agree with
that if you pay them enough money and
it's within their code of ethics they'll
do it so I won't say some people I'm
sure will do things outside of their
code of ethics but even set that aside
but for the right amount of money if the
thing that you want to do is Honorable
you can get people just do it man it's
really incredible and it's quite
beautiful to be honest impact theory has
has come about and helped millions of
people because I had the capital to see
it through amazing Fame is influence so
people want to help you they want to be
around you they want to do things for
you there's a dark side to both but like
there's enough real there that people
are always going for and so when you
paint this picture
which given the certainly the state of
masculinity there's enough real hooks in
it that you can then also set them up
for catastrophic failure in their
relationships because you make it
adversarial yeah and I think so there's
a few ways a few things I want to talk
about with that one I do think as far as
it being adversarial the problem is that
men are not being taught balance so
meaning it's this hyper masculine be all
these things but the reality is that if
you want a healthy relationship you have
to tap into your feminine energy we all
possess it we all have feminine and
masculine I look at it as we all have
testosterone and estrogen plain and
simple and to be able to be loving
compassionate things that you need for a
healthy relationship you have to
consider the balance that comes with it
so it reminds me of the fact of have you
ever read the book The Game by Neil
Strauss no but I know of it well enough
that okay so you know he was a he became
a pickup artist and he learned how to
get all these women in bed I interviewed
Neil oh you did not for that though for
the Post okay like transition that he
goes on and so in the book he explains
how he reaches the point and this is
what I believe is the problem and why
I'm trying to do more content for men
because no matter how much these men can
even get into a mindset of okay well I'm
gonna sleep around and do this and do
that almost every man if not every man
will have a point in his life where he
meets a woman that makes him say this is
the one I want yeah and now what happens
is and what happened to Neil was that he
was so used to using his tips and tricks
for picking up women it wasn't working
on the woman that he wanted so for
example uh you know one of the
techniques is negging so the backhand
compliments right and so though that
does elicit a reaction out of a woman at
that moment
you're essentially planting a seed of
insecurity of Doubt of fear that if you
try to have a relationship with her it's
going to cause a problem so a lot of
these men don't understand the balance
of yes walk in your masculine but you
have to be able to tap into your
feminine to where you can bring love and
Safety and Security to your partner and
again be honest with yourself about what
do you really want because no matter
what personality on the Internet is
claiming this that and the other will
you be happy with that in the long term
there's a lot of people like I believe
there's guys out there who are just
relationship guys they just want
relationship they don't care to be
sleeping around dating this one and that
one they want stability those men need
to be honest with themselves now there
are some men out there who they enjoy
having variety and being around okay
that's your choice as an adult male and
you're being honest with these women
cool I just don't want people out there
lying and playing games if you're being
clear and on this so be it but there's
so many more men I believe who are the
relationship guys who just want that
woman they can be with and share life
with I think another thing to consider
is that when we talked about how less
men now yes less younger men are having
sex and they're not going after the
women like they used to and I do believe
the whole you know the metoo thing
impacted men being willing and brave
enough in certain ways to approach women
I think a huge issue that we're
overlooking is the lack of testosterone
in men and so like the actual literal
decline yes so from my understanding I
don't have the exact stats but I know
I've seen the research that says we now
have 20 year old men whose testosterone
Rivals a 60 year old male back in the
60s legitimately terrifying okay and
that these are the lowest levels of
testosterone ever so bad that the the
old uh scale of a healthy male used to
be 500 to 900 I believe that was 60s as
well now they've dropped it to 300 to
800 because they're accommodating the
lower levels but the problem is they're
making you think it's normal so you go
to the doctor and you find out your 320
he's like oh you're fine you don't need
any help any other time in history you'd
be chronically low exactly exactly and
testosterone is the lifeblood of
masculinity to me because that's what
you gain if you fix your hormones and
you fix your health you will become more
focused you will become more driven
you'll become more assertive you know
you will have more confidence to
approach women plus your drive and
desire for women will increase because
that testosterone that libido has
increased now I think also another issue
is porn all right I think porn has
really desensitized a lot of men and
again has taken the fire out of a lot of
them because now when you have those
natural urges and desires you can just
go to your computer
before you had to figure out how to talk
to a woman like you had no choice I
didn't just talk to her this is really
interesting you had to find a way to
impress her yes you had to become worthy
of yes sex which is a big used to be a
big barrier to entry yes absolutely and
that's that's also why I think we've
seen such a decline in marriage rates as
well because once upon a time that was
the place you were gonna get consistent
sex and so you had to build yourself up
as a man but now again you have so many
other outlets dating has made it easier
porn has made it easier and then again
you already have men who are not as
healthy as they used to be so they they
naturally lack a drive within them to
make things happen so I think it's all
these things together are causing a
problem but to get back to your point
about it being adversarial what they're
hearing about right now I think the
unfortunate truth there's two
unfortunate truth if I'm gonna keep it
real one I think there's a lot lot of
men on the internet who are speaking out
of a lack of healing and bitterness and
so they're adversarial because their
mindset is I'm going to make these women
pay for overlooking me I'm going to make
them pay for not choosing me or choosing
this guy over me or is there a recent
phenomenon though so what would lead
that to be the thing now I I don't think
it's a recent phenomenon I think the
recent phenomenon is the monetization of
it the truth is hitting your career
goals is not easy you have to be willing
to go the extra mile to stand out and do
hard things better than anybody else but
there are 10 steps I want to take you
through that will 100x your efficiency
so you can crush your goals and get back
more time into your day you'll not only
get control of your time you'll learn
how to use that momentum to take on your
next big goal to help you do this I've
created a list of the 10 most impactful
things that any High achiever needs to
dominate and you can download it for
free by clicking the link in today's
description all right my friend back to
today's episode
so men have always there's always been
men who felt like that but now they
figured out that you can go on YouTube
and channel that energy into a show just
you know going at women uh making women
look stupid all these different things
and the men who are dwelling in their
own lack of healing are drawn to that
and and and they love it it feeds them
at that moment you know and so again
it's not to say every last God internet
it comes from that you know that's
what's going on with them but I do
believe it's happening to that's what's
the issue is with a lot of them is and
they're speaking to the deeper hurts
within those other men and that's why so
them being adversarial is due to them
still holding on to the hurt they've
experienced from Broken Hearts from
childhood from all types of things that
have now just detached them from being
willing to embrace love in a way that's
healthy and can build something special
do you use your single yes do you use
dating apps I don't yeah see that's
interesting I don't know that I would
either for many many years when people
ask like Tom I know you're married but
if you weren't like what would you do
what's the most efficient way to find a
girlfriend and the more I started
researching what's going on in modern
dating and all that the more I'm like
actually I'm not sure that I would use
dating apps because I think there is I
think there is something unique
happening right now that is at least in
part driven by dating app social media
technology in general which is you now
have a global market you now have
basically the Pareto Principle playing
out because the it the stat goes
something like the bottom 80 of men are
competing for the top 20 women but um so
the idea being that you have a whole lot
of women that are only interested in a
very narrow band of men and you have a
whole lot of men that are very
interested in a very small number of
women and so
when you have the hyper successful guys
so the current ERA is very beneficial
for a minority of guys who are loving
this moment they're like what do you
mean what's the problem I don't
understand because they're getting laid
left right and Center yes the problem is
I actually think it becomes problematic
for them in a way that they're not going
to realize until they get older which is
that
certainly in my experience and I've had
some amazing sex
[Music]
but nothing beats being with somebody
who who just knows you inside and out
and when the world rocks you and you're
doubting yourself and you don't know
what the hell you're gonna do they pick
you back up to your feet they brush you
off and they give you the Jerry Maguire
speech like you've got this you're going
to pull it off I know it and I'm here
with you and even if you fail I'm ride
or die to the end and that their every
Behavior tells you that really is true
that that just outshines especially if
it's coupled with great sex that
outshines the variety and all that stuff
but anyway for them it's it's going to
seem like this is a winning strategy but
you get these guys that haven't healed
to use your language that are they're
devastated they feel overlooked and the
advice they would have gotten
when if they grew up when I grew up was
they're Just Not That Into You get
better go to the gym uh push yourself if
women are into looks money status I
think that's the the trifecta for the
black pill Community if that's what
they're into then Max those stats out
yeah but there's something now that's
happening where
it's become
reinforced Within These groups and again
I'm going to go to technology where now
people that are bitter and angry about
it they can find the other people that
are bitter and angry they can create a
supportive Community supportive in
quotes
they create their own supportive
Community they create Norms within their
Community where it's like no no you
shouldn't be striving to get better like
basically you should just sit and be
angry about this and so that's what they
reinforce in each other and much like
when a a heavyset woman loses weight
women will often turn on her if those
guys
try to start getting better then they
get turned on by their own group and so
it's one of the things that I love about
social media is you can find your people
no matter what no matter what your thing
is you can find your people but you can
also find people that are going to hold
you back while supporting you it's
really yeah it's crazy interesting and I
think that so they they do strive to get
better so to speak I think the problem
is the mentality is get better simply
for self it's more of a selfish thing
rather than what I can then bring to a
partner what I can then give to my
community what I can serve on a higher
level than just that's important I do
think that's important because again if
it's done in this very selfish me me way
how are you going to be able to come
together with someone and have this
healthy relationship I think there's a
balance that we have to strike that we
have to understand that a healthy happy
success relationship is two people
pouring into each other all right you
have to have your own Foundation you you
do ask me about that more because that
would be my one pushback which part the
importance to each other or the fact
that you have to have your own
Foundation because I don't think people
can pour into somebody else if they're
still a mess yes so that's my point so I
so I view having your own Foundation as
so let's let's focus on men one I think
it's healing yourself I don't think
enough men are getting the help they
need to heal from past issues what does
that look like that looks like a facing
the hurts that you've been holding on to
okay so I know your drill about who hurt
me for people that don't know quick
primer right people that hurt you so
exactly you make a get a piece of paper
write down the words who hurt me ask
yourself that question everyone who
comes to mind put them on the paper are
you trying to get them to take
responsibility to Let It Go like well
I'm trying to get them to release it so
essentially look at it like this
emotions are trapped energy within us
when we don't let it out all right
whether that be hurt anger anxiety
whatever the case it is and even
speaking Our Truth when we when we
suppress anything we're gonna cause
problems so a lot of men have not
learned how to handle and process their
emotions they suppress and now that
suppression is causing all all kinds of
other problems you know recently I I'm a
firm believer that I stand on the idea
that women are more emotionally driven
than men and I'll get pushback sometimes
and women will say oh no men are just as
emotional and it's like no men have
maybe greater emotional outbursts all
right greater bouts of being angry or
very passionate because they suppress so
much that when it finally comes out it
comes out very strong however they're
not as emotionally driven in their
decision making it's very different and
so as men we have to learn to release
these things and also understand how to
process the things that have happened to
us because we internalize certain
rejections we internalize certain hurts
and now that's what's affecting that
man's self-esteem are you trying to
clear the pipes so that the emotions
don't get bottled up yes it's all about
relief so look at it like an emotional
detox we're trying to flush out all of
that negative energy that you've been
holding on to because again what skill
is that going to give them that they'll
bring to a relationship okay one it will
give them more clarity an ability to be
in tune with their partner because the
reality is that we struggle to sometimes
Embrace how our partner is feeling
because we're caught up in our own
feelings about things all right and
because we're holding on to that fear of
maybe well last time I was vulnerable
with a woman look how it backfired on me
so that's a perfect example there's a
lot of men on the internet now who will
say men should not be vulnerable with a
woman I dispute that I think you need to
be vulnerable because you will expose
what kind of woman she is can she handle
you in your vulnerable moments or not
but also as men we have to understand
there's a difference between being
vulnerable and being emotionally
unstable all right someone's going to
ask you if there's vulnerability done
well and vulnerability to important
exactly so it's almost like looking at a
child there there's one child who comes
to you they're having a hurtful moment
they're sad and they tell you how they
feel there's the other child who's being
frantic all emotional whining and
they're not even receiving what you have
to say that's what some men are doing
and they don't realize it but then it
goes further because they'll say well
this woman is judging me because I had
this moment no she's judging you because
you keep dwelling in this moment so for
example I had a I have a trainer and he
told me how a friend of female friends
of his told him that she left her man
after he lost his job and I said wait a
minute that that doesn't sound right she
really left after he got fired like
immediately he gets fired she drops him
I said I think this is missing some
details tell me what's going on so she
said well no what she told him was he
lost the job and then for the next month
or so all he did was whine and mope and
he did not look for another job I said
that's why
you re he remained in this weak mindset
this this weak state of mind that does
not it's not attractive to a woman and
he was not receiving any of her
encouragement he was not doing anything
to better himself that was the problem
not the moment of vulnerability not the
moment of losing his job the dwelling in
it and so when we learn how to heal we
learn how to not dwell in these things
any longer all right we learn how to
take the hit and get right back up
because now once we've processed things
and understand that life is so much
bigger than this was just all about us
when people hurt us it's that whole hurt
people hurt people thing and they're
taking their hurt out on us but it's it
it's a reflection of the deeper issues
within them and whether you realize
they're not as a man or a woman if you
don't resolve your hurt you're going to
hurt people whether it's yourself people
who are trying to love you whoever
you're gonna pass it on so which goes
back to what the benefit is in a
relationship when you have not healed
you are more than likely going to either
hurt this woman in some ways that maybe
not blatantly intentional but in your
trying to protect yourself and your
emotions you will shut her out you will
make her feel more detached or you will
make her feel devalued in the
relationship you have to be able to be
vulnerable and open if you truly want to
come together with a woman and have
something successful because remember
women need security and that's not just
we always think about financial but it's
emotional too and how can she feel
emotionally secure with a man who seem
so closed off who won't let her in you
see so that's where healing is going to
help not to mention healing helps
because a lot of men men are choosing
women based out of their heart meaning
I've had men
where they were with a beautiful woman
and things went wrong and again there's
this natural inclination when we get
hurt to just think it was all about them
they were the bad guy they did it and
not consider what we could have done
better in this situation well these guys
get hurt and you know what happens they
say I'm never dating a beautiful woman
again all right so now they will
intentionally choose a less attractive
woman not because he's truly in love
with her truly into her because it feels
safer here
and he feels like okay well she'll
worship the ground I walk on so I don't
have to worry about being as vulnerable
as I was last time where I was
devastated because she didn't
reciprocate it eventually so it creates
a dynamic where people start to choose
individuals who feel safe but aren't
really best for them it's interesting
that's complicated because I think
sexual market value matters yes and I
think if you're way outside of your
sexual market value or if your sexual
market value is for something else so
being old and Rich it's now and you're
with a young beautiful woman that that
[ __ ] is predicated on your money man and
on her side it's predicated on her youth
Grant is like but this is terrible I
don't want to stray too far from
foundations okay so I'll just let me
write that down sorry go ahead I'm just
gonna say but there's a difference
between
you operating in the sexual marketplace
where you can find your happiness and
you choosing what's safe because you
fear being vulnerable yes that's the
difference you see what I'm saying so
but there is a point where like you
could have you could get yourself into a
position where now it's like I really do
feel insecure with the beautiful woman
you mean just that your sexual market
value has gotten out of kilter because
it can happen to the woman it can happen
to the man and so it's interesting like
when I even think about this with my
wife I I've really run the thought
experiment of there are things that I do
that are part of the value I bring to my
marriage and what would happen if I
either couldn't do them anymore or I
start making mistakes over and over and
I don't know how to fix it I thought wow
like my wife would give me a lot of
leeway we have a lot of years but like
at some point there would be like hey
things have really gotten out of balance
here it's interesting I don't think my
wife and I would break up or anything
but it yeah when I think about hey I
have to be thoughtful about that like I
need to continue
um
you can't stop performing like there is
a point at which life is a combination
of intention and results yes and good
intentions get you a long way they
really do but they don't get you all the
way there like at some point anyway I
want to get back to foundation so we've
got healing got to do it clear the pipes
out emotional stability one of the most
amazing things you've said the
difference between vulnerability and
being emotionally unstable yeah that
right there people need to write that
down and remember that that that's huge
okay so but we've got a guy now that
he's gonna go on the healing Journey so
that he can be emotionally available
[Music]
what else is part of that Foundation
okay to me the next part is financial
stability now I've heard you say that
people shouldn't date unless they're
finding a guy shouldn't date unless he's
financially stable that exactly exactly
the comment section just lit on fire
well I I find Financial stability as you
can take care of yourself okay here's
the reason why I think a lot of people
don't understand the long-term
ramifications of missing some of these
steps so if you're a guy and you're not
financially stable is it possible to get
a woman who loves you yes the problem is
a lot of men are wired to where they do
what they have to do to get what they
want to get if they're already getting
it they will no longer do it so so
interesting you mentioned that earlier I
really think this is worth hammering
homes yes guys have and people are going
to hate this but it's true guys have
conquered worlds to impress women
everything I've ever done since I met
Lisa has been to impress her as hard as
I work the great irony is that
so I think you you were on red table
talk so this is public so something you
and I have not discussed but interesting
thing about Will and Jada will was talk
Will Smith was talking about he built
this huge mansion and he did it for Jada
and Jada looked at him was like no you
did that for you and my wife was like oh
you need to hear this like how important
like see like she doesn't need that from
him she loves him anyway and I was like
you need to slow the [ __ ] down I was
like let me tell you right now I'm doing
this all for you and if you throw that
back in my face and are like I don't
need this I don't care you're not giving
me an outlet I I am hardwired to
it's part of the Disposable Male
hypothesis I am here to protect to
defend the group to defend you to defend
my children like uh it is in me there's
nothing you're going to be able to do to
to strip that other than lower people's
testosterone microplastics but like in
in a good state that that makes it all
matter to me so
did you ask me to do it no did you want
a guy that was ambitious yes yeah so you
have intentionally gotten with a guy and
in her case I told her you can ask me to
give anything up and I'll do it but not
my ambition I don't know who I am
without it and I don't want to know and
so now it's like hey I'm going to go to
war
I want to go to war for you and the
second that she snubs that and is like
dog don't think that you're working this
hard for me yes now you you may be
saying I need more in the relationship
and so you can't lose yourself to the
ambition you can't only pursue the
ambition because then you're you are
doing it for me and you're doing it in
my name but you're not actually giving
me a gift that I can receive yeah
so it's like okay complex
but very important okay so now going
back to you can skip this step you need
to get financially uh stable one I don't
think you said it out loud but I've
heard you say it before I think it's
important for you to say you're not
saying Rich exactly I'm not saying just
being able to take care of yourself you
can take care of your own bills if you
didn't have anyone else you'd be able to
live your life and be okay that way
you're not walking into a relationship
as any kind of burden to that woman but
also again as I mentioned because a lot
of men are wired to where they will not
do it unless they have to and this woman
takes them at a time where they have not
achieved that stability a lot of men
didn't fall off at that point and they
get comfortable with the fact that she's
holding them up now she's only holding
you up with the hope that you will
finally get yourself together and even
surpass maybe even what you were
thinking but if you guys are in
alignment with that understanding it can
create a huge problem the other aspect
to consider is that and here's the other
reason why it's still dangerous is even
when she is she genuinely loves you and
wants to work with you
you run the risk of her struggling to
ever fully respect you because in her
mind I made you I built you you are
nothing without me all right a woman
needs to Revere the man she's she's with
she needs to have a level of respect for
him and if she feels like you could not
do this without her it's going to be a
struggle so this is where Linger on that
point for a second yeah no problem okay
I agree with you that a man should
become a certain level of capable yes
before he gets in a relationship now
when I met Lisa
she didn't have a job so fair she was
being taken care of by her father
I didn't exactly have a good job but I
had a job but then while we were engaged
I didn't have a job and she did and she
was the only one making money and I slid
into a really dark place and so I wasn't
doing much of anything and it really
became a friction point
cutting a very long story short I get my
act together I become the person that
people know today I become hyper
successful
there was a moment in there though where
I realized I wouldn't have become who I
became if it wasn't for her and there is
a phrase that I'm gonna guess is very
out of Vogue now but uh when she said it
I was like oh my God that's brilliant
it's from the movie uh My Big Fat Greek
Wedding which was the man is the head
and the woman is the neck
and I was like oh my God that's my
marriage and I'm the one that's
ambitious I'm going after this that or
the other but my wife through wifely
means can incentivize pursuing certain
things and not others and so she has
been very good at harnessing my drive
intelligence desire all of that to
um
you know hey have you thought about
going in and pushing for this or hey you
should really ask for that or make this
demand or whatever and so really push me
to be a tougher more aggressive
better version of myself and when it was
all said and done and and we you know
were adorned in worldly success I broke
down in tears and was like because this
is before she really stepped into her
own it was like the world's Never Gonna
understand that I wouldn't be who I am
without you and
that was useful for me and for her it
was useful for me to realize I'm not an
island I didn't do this by myself that I
had help
but I felt comfortable saying that
because I'm a warrior and I don't need
her to you know tell me do this out of
the other but she made me better
so here's the difference she inspires
you
she activated things within you that you
already possessed she may have helped
add a level of perspective all right and
again got your fire going that's very
different from the woman and let's use a
very simple example she get with this
gets with this man he doesn't have a job
right now she's the one going online
putting in his resumes she's the one
making the phone calls she's doing
everything so she literally is making
him Lisa wasn't my mother it was my wife
there you go and that's the huge
difference and that's why I say you know
it is there's exceptions to every Rule
and it that's why a man has to just
understand okay
and I'll flip it for a second I tell
women if you're gonna get with a man
when he's not financially stable the
question is what is his character if his
character isn't is in place and he's a
man that you know is willing to put in
the work and do what he needs to do but
yes it might be that you help with some
things here and there but he will
actually make the efforts cool but if
you are dragging this man to the Finish
Line that's a problem all right but then
here's another risk that people don't
consider
some women only get with the guy who's
not stable yet not out of some genuine
love but out of power and control
because now she feels here I have an
upper hand and it's safer here so to
give an example I met this one guy I
spoke on this panel many years ago and
he said when he got with his wife or now
ex-wife
um he was broke you know she was willing
to work with him so for the first few
years she was paying for everything but
he got himself together and became very
successful and in his mind it was like
you know you held me down all these
years I want to take care of you he said
when he started paying the bills and
doing things for her she was like what
are you doing she became very
uncomfortable it actually started to
cause conflict in the relationship
because her intention was to hang on to
that power
and now she felt like she doesn't have
that upper hand anymore and now she
starts to feel insecure like well now he
can get a better woman why does he want
me and and now that starts to play a
negative role in the relationship so the
problem is again it isn't to say there
aren't genuine situations you help that
woman how would I help that one she
comes to you you know the whole story he
rises up it's amazing she's now getting
insecure let's say they came to you for
effectively therapy yeah therapist but
you get the idea uh what would you tell
her so the first thing we would do is
focus on what what hurt is she holding
on to because no one behaves like that
if they're healed that's plain and
simple and this is again why healing is
so important because it will rear its
ugly head in relationships at some point
one or another and some people can
survive it most people do not and so it
would be a focus on all right let's get
to the root of why did you even feel the
need to have this control why why are
you so scared what what were you hurt
from that you have not released and
addressed but here's the unfortunate
truth that would also come out
because a lot of people choose the wrong
person to be with because they haven't
healed and that's why when some people
do get healed while they're in a
relationship they start to realize oh
snap
this isn't this person isn't for me I
don't want this anymore you know now
that I'm I'm finally tapping into my
true self I now realize we're not in
alignment with each other we never were
but I was able to hide behind all these
other things and distractions and
rationalize why I should be here because
again it felt safer because remember
when I use the word safer what I'm
saying is this relationship does not
require my full vulnerability because
I'm not into them like that they don't
do it for me like that but where with
someone that we're really into that
pulls everything out all right and and
the couples who learn how to handle and
embrace that can go on to have an
amazing relationship but many because
they have not healed will run from that
so there's tons of people who meet the
right person but because they haven't
healed they can't handle the
relationship and they sabotage it they
find something wrong with it I just
talked to another guy the other day he
was on the verge of getting engaged and
the woman said I can't do this I I never
been treated like this before I don't
know how I can I can't handle it I don't
it just makes no sense of the treatment
yeah he TR he treated her amazing
she just waiting for the other shoe to
fall yes exactly because when you have
already been through all kinds of
disappointments and