Kind: captions
Language: en
i think it's helpful when you look at
your past self to actually regularly
analyze how your thinking is different
from your past self how your decision
making is different from your past self
um how what you care about maybe your
money habits maybe how you how you do
anything how you talk with your wife you
know like it's really good to appreciate
how you're evolving regularly so that
you can see that actually my entire
mental model the world's different that
allows you to actually see that things
are different than how they used to be
and so you can then start to project
forward yes my future self is going to
be really really different that takes
your current self off the hook it
immediately eliminates a fixed mindset
then that allows you enormous
flexibility for your current self growth
mindset is willingness to learn make
mistakes you're not so caught up in
being right it doesn't matter exactly
what happens right now you're going to
change and so it allows you immediately
to be completely flexible in the present
dr benjamin hardy welcome back to the
show yeah man happy to be with you our
first time in person very excited and uh
we've got a new book be your future self
now
talk to me about
your future self i there's a sort of
interesting twist in the book about
which we actually talked a tiny bit
about in the last episode but what's the
idea of your future self and how do you
pull it into the present
yeah actually interestingly like that's
that's kind of the secret to being in
the present so like the stoics would
have like momento mori which is
basically the idea of always thinking
about your death so that you can
actually like appreciate this moment
what do you think about that does death
really make
the now better
i don't really know i just know the idea
of actually appreciating that that is a
reality to some degree from the stokes
perspective makes you believe that the
present is more valuable um that's just
one example of like
a future cast that allows you to be in
the moment more
so hal hirschfield he's a ucla
psychologist he's been spending a lot of
time studying future self and what his
perspective is is that the more
connected you get to your future self
actually contemplate who your future
self is what they're up to the more
connected you get to the future self the
more able you are to actually appreciate
this moment the more you're able to see
that
what you do here and now matters but you
can also use future self as an example
me thinking about hanging out with my
kids like in in the future 20 years from
now my kids are going to all be adults
and so if i actually appreciate that and
how my future self would say dude ben be
present hang out with them this is going
to be over soon
you can kind of use your future self to
be right here be right now so it's
counterintuitive you tell a really cool
story in the book about that exact thing
yeah walk people through that idea of
being your future self now commenting on
how to frame
this moment i think you just had like a
really busy day you come home kids are
in
so there's a franco quote that i kind of
used to frame this and i didn't even
know about the franco quote until i was
studying this but basically what frankl
said is
that what you should do is imagine that
you've already lived this moment
and that it was over and that you were
art and that you acted as poorly as
you're about to act
like literally like it could be in any
situation and then that you could come
back and redo it
and now you have more awareness and so
that's one way of looking at it but
basically for me that example you're
talking about
was me just driving home i come home six
kids house is crazy a lot of times i'm
tired from work and frankly i just zone
out you know i'm just tired i'm not the
best dude sometimes um and i was just
thinking about my own self 20 years into
the future you know
my 53 year old future self would be you
know all these kids are adults this
moment in time would be gone and so i
just thought
i know my future self would look at this
situation a lot differently than me like
i think from my future selves
perspective everything has more weight
than i see it right now because they've
got a much deeper perspective
and so just like i see things radically
different from my former self even a
year ago i don't see things the same way
and so if you can tap into if my future
self could just come back and this is
what i was just thinking while driving
home if my future self could come back
53 year old all these kids are gone and
just live in my shoes for
an hour or just for the rest of the day
how much differently would they see it
how much differently would they handle
this moment right now and so i was just
thinking about that i'm like i'm just
gonna mess with this i'm just gonna be
my future self for a minute and just
imagine that i'm back here in time kind
of like marty mcfly style and just
actually see what it feels like and i
pulled up and my daughter was just
hanging out three-year-old girl phoebe
and she just wanted to play and i i
think in a lot of cases i might just
pick her up hug her go inside and not
really think about it but i was just
like if my future self was actually here
and like actually got to relive this
moment like this is really a special
moment and so i just enjoyed it and it
was really interesting because i
and i i do this now more regularly but
this is just one episode but then i go
into my house and it's a mess and
usually i'd be upset but instead i'm
just like none of this different matters
like it's just cool that i'm here and
that i have this life and i have this
situation and so i i think that often we
we miss this moment because we we don't
connect it to the future
and
what a lot of the researchers on meaning
says is that this moment only has
meaning because of what it means in the
future
and so it's kind of interesting because
a lot of people don't think that a lot
of people think being present means you
block out the past in the future but
this this moment only has context if you
connect it with what's going to happen
in the future so it's just a different
it's a different lens part of what makes
the idea that you go through in the book
interesting is that it isn't just
contextualizing it to the future it's
taking control of what you paint the
future to be like so that you can really
impact the present
what is that process like how because
like i imagine in fact i know from your
own story there was a period in your
life in your teenage years where
the future just looked like
and you weren't interested you
thought this is going to suck and that
was that so
how do you take control of constructing
the future in a way that pulling that
into the present is actually useful
yeah i mean one thing that i think is
super important to note is that everyone
is being impacted by their view of the
future if you have a pessimistic view of
the future if you have a lack of hope
towards your future like that's
dramatically going to impact who you are
and how you're being like if you think
the future is going to suck um that's
obviously going to impact who you are
right now and so
any form of hopelessness or just a lack
of you know anything even if you think
that today is going to be a terrible day
is going to impact who you are through
it
um but as far as there's a lot of
different approaches you know i'd be
interested in your take because
obviously you've you've achieved many
goals but there's a lot of different
approaches one is bring your futures off
to you and obviously a lot of it's just
thinking about where you want your
future self to be thinking about the
context of your future self
how hirschfield's perspective is it's a
lot easier to bring your future self to
you so one way you could do that is
simply by just imagining some future
case scenario it could be
three years five years you can kind of
choose a time frame based on whatever
next context you're thinking of it could
be you know me
in five years after my kids have moved
you know some of them have moved out of
house i can choose different time frames
for my future self but then you can just
put yourself in your future soft shoes
think about the context and you know one
of my friends literally films videos
talking as his future stuff and just
saying this is where my life's at right
now this is what's happened in between
these are some of the unexpecteds that
happened between now and then um so you
can actually you know i i don't really
film videos i usually just do things by
journal but you know you can write a
letter from your future self to you uh
and just like paint the picture get as
get as into the moment as you can what
this does is it builds empathy it builds
it it builds the ability to actually see
that your future self is a real person
they've got a different perspective they
see things totally different than you
they care about different things than
you and then they can be talking to you
and that kind of brings them to you
you said that one mistake people make is
that they think their future self will
be like themselves now
why
do you think our future self is so
different
so that idea is actually called the end
of history illusion in psychology daniel
gilbert he wrote stumbling upon
happiness
he came up with that concept but
basically
this is just kind of a psychological
thing that people do you know they
they can see that they're not quite the
same person they were five ten years ago
but as a whole
we lack imagination towards our future
self it's a lot easier to just remember
you know who i was five years ago and
that i had different goals different
habits
maybe different priorities different
values like i don't listen to the same
music i did exactly five ten years ago
but people have a really hard time
imagining their future self as a totally
different person because they just don't
really think about it too much
the changes sometimes happen subtly they
happen systemically and so
yeah people just don't take the time to
think actually my future self is going
to be a really different person they're
going to see things very differently
but if you
but the truth is they will be they will
be in 10 years from now um and you
encourage them at that point to start
okay since you know your future self is
going to change anyway yeah don't think
of that as being
glued down really don't think of it as
being based on who you were in the past
and now take control of who you want to
become and as you start writing that
journal or whatever
is it an optimized version of the self
that you encourage people to aim for
like because if you're right
how they begin to imagine their future
self
and sort of somewhat solidify those
elements are going to be pretty
important to how they'll act today now
they act today is the only thing that
matters in terms of becoming
that actual version
i think i think first off
you can get really stretchy with it you
know so like i like what albert einstein
said imagination is more important than
knowledge so i think first off just
coming to the grips and i think it's
helpful when you look at your past self
to actually regularly analyze how your
thinking is different from your past
self how your decision making is
different from your past self um how
what you care about maybe your money
habits maybe how you how you do anything
how you talk with your wife you know
like it's really good to appreciate how
you're evolving regularly so that you
can see that actually my entire mental
model of the world's different how i
make decisions is different than my past
self that allows you to actually see
that things are different than how they
used to be and so you can then start to
project forward yes my future self is
going to be really really different and
you can actually get as stretchy as you
want like how different what are the
ways in which they're different what how
do they see the world differently um
you know what matters what skills do
they have that you don't have now what's
their environment like you can really
that's where you can start to imagine
but what it does for you because you can
because you can appreciate that they're
very different um that takes your
current self off the hook it immediately
eliminates a fixed mindset because
basically fixed mindset is the belief
that who you are right now is primarily
who you're going to be and so once you
realize future selfs are already going
to be very different even if i don't do
much but they can be radically different
um they can be way the change in my
future self can be way beyond compounded
beyond anything of changes i've had in
the past then that allows you enormous
flexibility for your current self growth
mindset is willingness to learn make
mistakes you're not so caught up in
being right it doesn't matter exactly
what happens right now you're going to
change and so it allows you immediately
to be completely flexible in the present
you talked about something in the book
that i found i'm i'm obsessed with it
right now and i was very surprised
though to find it in the book about
future self some super curious you go
into detail about how societies collapse
you quote ray dalio
what what can we take away from
that idea in the book
yeah it reminds me of sports teams who
get to the top you know even like the
tampa bay buccaneers this year they
weren't that great this year compared to
last year they just won the super bowl
and so that's kind of the idea that
success often leads to their complacency
lack of vision
uh you know conflicting goals among the
parties you know when when things start
going really well or moving forward um
that's where often either your goals
change without you realizing it maybe
maybe the people in the box like really
a lot of the players maybe they didn't
really need another super bowl honestly
if they were honest with themselves
maybe their goal changed um but they
were still kind of playing that part
and so from a societal perspective yeah
there's lots of different beliefs about
how you know a business can really go
really well and then things are killing
it and
um it can be hard for them to maintain
that and on an individual level you can
get really successful in some area and
then you can start to
throw it away and what do you think that
is is that goals change not being honest
with yourself is it you were doing it
for the wrong reason
i don't think you're doing it for the
wrong reason uh i think that
so like gay hendricks and certain other
like psychologists would call it just
you subconsciously self-sabotage you
know you might be moving forward you
achieve a lot of things and it's outside
of your homeostasis and so you you know
you subconsciously like
wreck it like that's one way of looking
at it
you're gonna have to define the idea of
homeostasis that people have this idea
of how big they are how great they are
whatever people yeah so homeostasis is
how i would see this is your
subconscious baseline it's what you're
comfortable with it's it's where you're
at at your emotional development it's
what your comfort zone is and so if you
start advancing way beyond that like gay
hendricks would call that like an upper
limit problem where advancing how you
could advance in any way maybe you're
someone who grew up in a bad situation
or just had repeated repeated bad
unhealthy relationships and all of a
sudden you start getting in good
relationships
and so it's a little outside your
comfort zone to
actually be happy in a relationship and
so
because it's outside your homeostasis
it's outside your comfort zone maybe you
don't think that this is something you
deserve maybe it's just that this is
uncharted territory so
you're a little uncomfortable with
what's going on
it's past your it's past your vision
you just you can revert back i think
that's one way of looking at it um i
think another way is just honestly you
reach a certain place where you become
unclear of your goals i mean often you
achieve goals because you have clarity
you work towards those goals uh you
achieve them and you reach a certain
place where you you lack a future self
you lack clarity about your future and
then there's all sorts of things coming
at you because you're in a more
successful place you've got more options
and so
um you know one of my favorite quotes
which i share multiple times in the book
but it's just honestly my favorite quote
comes from robert brawl he says we're
kept from our goal
not by obstacles but by a clear path to
lesser goals and so i think
you know the more successful you become
the more options you have and so there's
a lot of lesser goals that can be quick
dopamine hits you can you can get quick
wins
and you think you're making progress but
you're not actually clear on a direction
anymore and so
you you just start breaking things apart
okay so
getting into that idea
the clear path to a lesser goal is i
think really interesting i've told
entrepreneurs like a million times
people don't end up failing because of a
lack of opportunity they end up failing
because they pursue the wrong
opportunity
um
how do people
orient themselves in such a way that
they understand what goals to pursue and
then what is it just the ease of the
lesser goal that makes them go after it
or are there some other warning signs or
is this all tied to self-sabotage
so motivationally there's two theories
that really help me with this one is
it's called expectancy theory it's one
of the core motivational theories in
psychology the other one's called hope
theory they're essentially very similar
hope and motivation are very
connected
but both of those theories basically
have three
similar elements one is in order to have
motivations and hope you need a clear
goal
you need to see some form of pathway of
getting there or some mechanism some
means so you see a goal that compels you
that's exciting the more clear the more
compelling personally obviously the more
motivating you need to see some pathway
to getting there will be able to create
a pathway to getting there and then you
need either the confidence or sense of
agency that you can actually fulfill on
whatever's required so it makes sense
that
simple like lesser goals with clear
paths would be motivating there's a
clear path often your future self or
some big goal doesn't have as obvious of
a pathway and you've got to adjust
pathways all the time and so if you're
presented an easy path to a lesser goal
often you take it maybe it's a job that
pays really well
or it's a relationship that you're
already in and there's some cost bias
but it's an easy you know so it's easy
to
take clear paths to lesser goals because
the reward is easy the path is straight
uh it's just easy to get that quick
reward and that's actually one of the
like fundamental problems with uh future
self that how hirschfield's found is
that the present is so much such a pull
that often you'll
you know it's hard sometimes to invest
in your future self when you can just
get dopamine hits right now
so how do you invest in your future self
in a way that's useful
if you don't see that clear path
i mean i think that
most paths are not clear initially
towards a really cool big goal towards
you know like as an example like
my own
writing career there was not a clear
path there's not a clear path for you
you know you kind of invent the path as
you go
um but i think that's what breaks most
people
like they legitimately don't know
they don't know how to create momentum
which is already a huge thing they don't
know how to set a goal which is already
wildly problematic yeah and then they
really don't understand what i call the
physics of progress and so they think oh
i got it wrong i guess i'm never going
to be able to do this
so
what advice do you give people in that
moment knowing that there's a lot of
friction that they're gonna have to
overcome but if they don't overcome it
they're sort of dead in the water
yeah uh i think that your your last
question about like choosing something
like you have to take the time to
actually
know what you want to commit yourself to
in my mind like
if you're if you don't get committed to
it you won't you won't be able to go
through the process of finding the path
and so taking the time and you don't
have to commit to something for the rest
of your life but like what do you want
to commit to for the next three to five
years like what are you going to start
really investing and start figuring out
because right now
you know where i want to get to in five
years from now i have no clue how to get
there but if you start to clarify like
what are you committed to what do you
actually want to do
we're all committed to something like um
one of my favorite quotes or ideas is
just you can know what you're committed
to by the results you're producing and
so like you and i were obviously
committed to having this conversation
because we're both here our behavior is
evidence that we've committed to this
and so anything that a person does
evidence is their commitment to
something so if they're going to their
nine-to-five job and they hate it if
they're still going to that nine-to-five
job they're committed to it um and so i
think taking a step back and just asking
yourself like what is it that i would
commit myself to and it's not like for
the rest of my life but it's like what's
the most important thing right now like
what's the absolute most important thing
i can accomplish right now and maybe you
need to journal maybe you need to take
an extra 30 or 60 minutes like start
reading books and giving yourself space
away from the noise to start to clarify
that uh how i like to look at it is
with like the jim collins quote if you
have more than three priorities you have
none like what are the three areas of
your life that matter most i think that
people can clarify where they want to go
in the next three to five years if they
just gave themselves the space to be
honest write journal about it and then
stop worrying about what everyone thinks
all right so there's a lot in that one
little sentence yeah so
one how do peop why journaling
how journaling
and then how do people really detach
from what other people think
yeah so
all three such cool concepts but why
journaling
journaling is the place where you can be
honest with yourself
it's the place where you can start to
play with your imagination um i think
walking too exercise but giving yourself
space to be alone
um there's so many you know obviously
inputs coming in and so space to
actually just be by yourself and is the
journaling for you a stream of
consciousness
usually yeah i mean i think i think all
journaling is stream of consciousness i
mean you can have prompts but it still
just comes out and so yeah i mean i have
just blank pieces of paper um and you
can structure it you know what do i want
to accomplish in the next three years
who i want who do i want to be a year
you know a year from now but i think
just actually giving yourself the space
to address yourself like when i was 19
years old in a traumatized state
i started running and so when i was
running by myself
that was the time alone with my thoughts
where i could actually
address some self-honesty that maybe i
don't like where i'm going in my life or
maybe i don't where do i want to go
start thinking about my future self
start thinking about the repercussions
of what what's going on in my life right
now
so i think the why of journaling is is
that it it kind of clears you up it
gives you some space to think
the how of journaling
for me a lot of it's just writing things
down writing down what's going on in my
life right now writing down
maybe what i what i would like to change
writing down the areas of my life that i
want to learn more about the areas i
want to accomplish writing down my goals
thinking about my future self
there's not extreme structure
but it's just giving yourself the space
to think about it so i just think
think about it write about it it clears
your thinking it gets you clear on where
you want to go
it also obviously journaling can help
you emotionally regulate you can start
to reframe obviously emotionally uh
journaling can help you emotionally yeah
yeah yeah i don't know if i'll give it
obviously i agree but how do you get
people there and then we'll definitely
still get to the how do you stop caring
about what other people think but i'm
really curious so
journaling i think it's one of them you
know most uh
sorry anyway no please you're answering
the question well i think that uh
like from a research standpoint like
journaling gratitude drilling stuff like
that like that's one of the most
uh
like clear-cut ways to emotionally
regulate because it externalizes things
it does i mean you get the if you if you
don't get things out into an external
form like a narrative a structure then
it's just swirling in your head it's
impacting you consciously without you
knowing it
but really everything is about framing
you know a book is a good book if it's
framed a certain way it might be saying
the same thing as a different book but
it's the framing that matters and so
everything's about framing and so
how you view a past situation may have
been framed by your former self a
certain way but your current self can
reframe it and look at it from a
different lens which gives it an
entirely different perspective different
meaning different emotional uh you know
set of cues and so
uh
yeah i mean journaling is just a way for
you to actually structurally reframe
anything that happened and then turn
negative events into positive growth
it's just actually thinking about it
choosing a lens choosing a frame
in psychology they call it psychological
flexibility which is the just the
ability to look at things from different
angles emotionally detach from it or
just
connect to it in different ways and so
i find it a very
useful tool for just looking at past
scenarios and and looking at them from
different lenses looking at them from
different angles and and thinking
why am i better because of that or what
do i now know that my past self didn't
know because of that
why why is that to my benefit you know
you can just you can just look at it
from a bunch of different angles you
read a new book you got a new lens you
can just look at a different a different
experience for a ton of different angles
i think that is one of the most
important ideas in in trying to improve
yourself if you don't understand what i
call frame of reference which sounds 100
i mean framing is literally everything
is literally everything getting people
to understand that so i just um in my
nfc journey
i've created this thing called the life
map for people and as i sat there and
i'm asking myself like what is the most
fundamental thing that if people don't
understand this they're never going to
be able to make progress it was frame of
reference and getting people did you um
hear david foster wallace's this is
water no no no no oh what is it you got
it
all right so well it's a hole it's like
seven minutes long or something uh but
the idea is that the fish is the last
one to realize that it's in water and so
he starts with this joke where uh you
know an old fish swims by these two
young fish and says you know hey boys
how's the water
he swims past and they look at each
other and go what's water
and that to me is frame of reference
people don't even realize that they have
a frame of reference let alone that it
was a choice as you said to choose the
lens that you have yep
and even if they understand that they
have a frame of reference and they
choose it they don't realize how
distorted their frame of reference is
and so getting people to understand okay
everything you think
feel your dreams your nightmares they
are all a reflection of your frame of
reference yep and your frame of
reference has been
created over a lifetime often in
invisible moments in moments of trauma
you're making a decision about what is
true about the world but because you
mistake it for
objective truth you don't realize that
oh i actually decided that the world
works this way just now in this moment
right here based on this trauma
and
you just get all these layers of
distortion and
because people aren't aware that they're
living inside of that frame of reference
like
even just to get to the point where
people like oh i see what you're saying
like it really takes
a lot
yeah um
i mean it reminds me of two different
psychologists one is obviously adam
grant more recently with his book think
again i think he's spent a lot of time
helping
helping you see that your current self
just has one frame of reference even
yourself five minutes ago ten minutes
ago may have had a slightly different
nuanced frame of reference and so he
calls it the joy of being wrong and that
again is i think one of the
appreciations i have about future self
is just my current self has just one
frame of reference and in a week from
now i'm gonna have a totally different
frame of reference
but um have you ever heard of robert
keegan
from you okay but otherwise okay so yeah
keegan was a harvard psychologist back
in the day he studied like
organizational structures and he had a
different model it was similar to
covey's like dependent independent
interdependent model but it was a lot
more psychological where he talked about
how he called it i think a socializing
self
that a lot of people go through high
school kids where their whole actions
and behaviors are motivated by pleasing
others or fitting in or something like
that then you reach this authoring stage
which is a lot more competitive where
everything you see is just to further
your own aims and your own agendas but
you can't see outside your frame of
reference and so
he's from keegan's belief in perspective
only eight percent of people reach this
level that you're talking about where
they can actually he calls it the
transforming self where they start
collaborating with people
um and they can see that they have a
frame that other people have frames and
that you can consciously step out of
your frame and look at different frames
of the same situation and you recognize
that your frame is just one frame it's
one way of seeing things um it's very
limited very knack it's very inaccurate
um but that doesn't limit you you know
then you can try different frames you
can learn different things you're always
seeking to reframe and get new
perspective new angles on the same
situation kind of reminds me of like a
tennis tennis player who goes into a
lesson actually wanting to learn you
know it's like that beginner's mind
where you can learn something from every
situation rather than just i know what
i'm doing
um
but from keegan's perspective only about
eight percent of people get to this
place
and organizations where this is just one
frame my future self will see things
different there's a lot of different
angles on this but i think that's a
skill you could practice
no doubt how
i mean
for me one is just recognizing that my
current self
sees things different again than my past
self 10 minutes ago and just regularly
being open i think this is again another
reason why the journal is just how do i
see things i mean i can i can't ever see
from your frame i could ask you though
you know i could ask you how you see
things and i can be more curious
rather than competitive like rather than
me trying to prove that my perspective
is right um
actually ask you what you think about it
be more of a curious learner and
actually have a more flexible frame
frame
for me i really like referencing back to
my past self regularly and just asking
myself
and actually analyzing like why things
turned out the way they did like not not
being judgmental towards my former self
not being mad if a if
you know i get angry at one of my kids
like rather than being upset about the
past just actually
what was the what was the frame that led
me to coming to that conclusion
and how do i see things differently
it allows you to actually squeeze more
juice out of things you learn if i read
a book i can actually analyze
how did my frame of reference change
or why do i or can i see things
differently because i now have this
information and i think that this is an
active act like an aspect of learning is
if you actually learn something that is
a little outside your current form of
reference are you willing to be honest
with that new learning and start to
like apply it or are you going to
reject it and stick with your current
you know your former way of learning so
i think
learning new frames but then being
honest with the new information you get
and letting go of old ways is a big
aspect of learning
did you see the movie the sixth sense
yeah but i have i have not seen it for
probably
20 years like 15 years do you remember
the ending i'm assuming
maybe oh my god seriously that long dude
it's been that long all right well this
is fun this is the perfect example to me
of what frame of reference is so spoiler
alert for anybody
that hasn't seen it but the whole movie
is you're watching it unfold and
everything seems normal and you're not
thinking anything of it but this guy
keeps having these weird run-ins
with like his wife and it just doesn't
go the way you're thinking it will go
and then you finally get to
the end of the film and you realize that
the main character that you've been
following this whole time is dead yeah
yeah and he's a ghost and then they play
back little snippets of the movie so
that you realize
no one ever actually had an exchange
with him you feel like they kind of do
but when you play it out of the chills
right now and
that's frame of reference where you
suddenly see the exact same moments but
when you thought he was alive you read
the interactions one way when you
realize he's a ghost and wasn't actually
there and so they were just having a you
know a lonely moment where they went to
their favorite restaurant on their
anniversary to mourn
but because you see it as he's sitting
there with them you read the exchange as
this really cold exchange where she's
basically ignoring him and sort of
dumping him
and
that's frame of reference and it it can
be that profoundly like jarring where
you're like whoa there is this entirely
other oblique angle with which i can
look at my life for good bad and
different whatever but suddenly like
this these vistas of possibilities open
up before you for instance to bring this
back to letting go of what other people
think i think so many people construct
their life around okay what are they
going to think one you have to be honest
like you've said multiple times this is
so important you have to be honest with
yourself that you want their approval
seek their approval or have historically
sought their approval whatever so that
you can now begin to look at the world
what would this look like if i actually
didn't care what they thought and how
differently would i move and would i act
i think people would often be startled
to
see the answers if they were journaling
honestly
what their life would look like if they
didn't worry about their significant
other's thoughts the social media
people's thoughts their parents thoughts
like that their life would look
dramatically dramatically different yeah
yeah so many so many things come to mind
and now i do remember that movie one
thing that uh i love about that is is
that once you get the new frame right it
changes everything in the past you look
back at all the old perspectives now
with the new frame
and that's really how memory works they
call memory or reconstruction and so
like you never actually see the past as
it is but only as your current self
perceives it right you won't you know
the so there's a really great quote from
uh brent's life he wrote a book called
time and psychological explanation you
would actually really love it but
basically he said that it's more
accurate to say that the present causes
the meaning of the past then the past
causes the meaning of the present
because
yeah because the present causes the
meaning of the past because it's the
present frame
and so whenever you pull up a memory
it's from the frame of your current self
and so you get that new information like
at the end of the movie boom it changes
the meaning of everything that occurred
in the past and so that that's that's
one nice part is as you
get new information new perspectives you
actually automatically
reframe the whole past from the present
and so any view you have of the past is
actually just a reflection of where
you're currently at which is really
interesting
what's up everybody tom billy here and i
have a question for you at the start of
this year you likely set some goals for
yourself and i want to know how those
are going most people give up on their
goals and dreams by february but i have
some good news
if you're not on target to succeed at
the things that you want to achieve this
year it's not too late and trust me when
i say you are not alone
everyone gets stuck and loses momentum
towards their goals at some point myself
included if you know what you're doing
and you're willing to take massive
action though you can get back on track
the trick is not to think about being
stuck as a problem with your motivation
or to interpret your lack of results
that you're getting as a sign that
you're not smart enough the trick is to
recognize that the game that you're
playing is a game of neurochemistry it's
about managing the way that you think
about yourself and framing things in the
right way
if you use your brain more effectively
repeat things that empower you you can
actually find ways to solve problems
faster
create positive habits and behaviors
that you know are going to help you
reach your goal
i want you to take massive action right
now so i pulled a workshop from impact
theory university called the six steps
to getting unstuck and i want you to
watch it right now it's going to help
you get back on track with your goals
and make the rest of this year your most
successful ever to watch it go to
unstuck class.com
and register for access i'll walk you
through the same process that i use to
get through obstacles and make fast
progress towards my goals whenever
something slows down alright guys enjoy
this and be legendary take care
now the question is how do you keep your
present frame positive
so
life is amazing
but it's also difficult yeah and we tend
to accumulate scar tissue
psychologically as we get older yeah and
i have found in my own life that it's
only through careful management of my
framing of the experience is that i'm
able to be optimistic and keep moving
forward
and when i look at people that just get
eaten alive
by their frame which has sort of gotten
worse and rusty and scarred and scabbed
over as they go
i get it it takes a lot of management so
how do you either in your own life or
how do you advise people to make sure
that your frame of reference is getting
better as you go along and that the
knocks and bruises and defeats of life
don't end up
giving you a gnarly outlook yeah i'd
also love your perspective on this
because i love the idea of maintenance
um or just i i actually see it more as
just constant improvement
um
i mean certainly a continuous
journaling practice is helpful for me as
far as just continually updating it um i
definitely like simplifying my life
continuously like i think as you
continue to grow um you know there's
there's weeds and so i'm always
simplifying down what matters to me
right now what ma like a lot of the
stuff that i cared about
you know back to the idea of other
people's opinions like maybe i cared
more about what that person thought
four months ago um but now i do have a
new perspective um i do have new goals
and so
um
i mean i i don't really know the best
answer to your question except for
as you're gaining new information new
knowledge new experiences like be
true to
your evolving self like you know if if
you're now clear because of what you
know that a certain relationship is
actually detrimental to you even though
in the past you thought it was
high quality like are you gonna
be honest and true to that new
information or are you gonna just
pretend it doesn't exist and so for me
it's not really like you're maintaining
something that
has a single form like you're
maintaining in a lot of ways where
you're growing into you're maintaining
you know it's it's more continuously
growing into
the best or the newest version of
yourself which means
maintenance at that level is going to
look different than maintenance you know
four years ago and so
i do think that if you're in a state of
constant learning improving you get
better and better at cleaning up those
messes faster being a lot quicker when
you gain information or an insight
to go and have that conversation maybe
readjust readdress
that relationship or end it
or change it or if you feel inspired to
go and start something maybe start a new
habit or start a new business or
whatever that you you orient your life
towards what you feel most compelled to
do quicker rather than put it off for a
week a month a year so i think it's just
keeping a continuous flow
of
what you feel most most pressed to do i
don't know i'd be interested in your
take because that was the first time
i've actually really thought about that
question so yeah so the way that i think
about it is
what's useful and so
what like do bad things happen in life
good things happen in life and people
tend to discount the good and focus on
the bad there's an evolutionary reason
for that true and so
you know like
it could be your parent dies it could be
um you lose your job it could be a
a whole host of things
and
i try to remind myself that i'm gonna
choose what i take away from everything
and so yeah my hygiene is around the
story that i allow myself to repeat so i
think a lot about what do i repeat what
am i saying over and over and over and
just by tracking things that i say over
and over or things that i think about
over and over i know ah whatever i'm
doing right here i am holding that
memory or that idea and my working
memory i'm adjusting it and then i'm
going to restore it in long-term memory
but i'm going to pull it back forward
again because i keep thinking about this
and so as i pull it back forward i want
to make sure that i look for the useful
way
to
contextualize this
and i define useful as that which moves
me towards my goals now you need to be
very careful that your goals are what
i'll say should be two-prong exciting
and honorable honorable meaning that it
elevates not only yourself but other
people to pursue that thing
but if you do that and then you say okay
what's the right way to think about this
failure and let's make it a catastrophic
failure you're married and your marriage
of 25 years dissolves and you're like
devastated totally rocked and
you are just buried under a weight of
guilt and you know the things i did
wrong and i you know never should have
done xyz
and or it's them the like i
can't believe it and my thing would be
okay in that moment if i give up my
power and i'm saying it's the other
person's fault and not mine is that
going to help me move towards my goals
no because it takes me out of the
driver's seat and just life is happening
and there's nothing i can do or
hey i'm really feeling like a lesser
version of myself because i have failed
at that thing does that move me towards
my goals no because i'm going to need
confidence to move towards my goals okay
so what would be useful in this
situation okay i'm going to take
ownership i'm going to make sure that i
look at what i can learn
but i'm going to remind myself that
whatever kick in the ass i'm giving
myself it should only be enough to get
me moving towards my goals and it
shouldn't be so hard or so continuous
that it begins to diminish my sense of
self
and so i think because i and a core idea
i'm really trying to get across to the
world is you're having a biological
experience and so your brain works in a
certain way and you're prone to like
negativity bias yeah and so i know that
my likelihood of when something bad
happens i'm likely to grab the negative
frame but if the negative frame moves me
away from my goals and i'm just going to
have a rule that i don't do that but i
also don't want to be delusional so it's
this really interesting friction between
what i'm telling myself needs to be both
optimistic and true
and whenever i can find those two things
and then i run the test against does it
move me towards my goals because if it's
a lie it won't move me towards my goals
because it's just
it's not real right so you're making
up and
it's not going to go any worse it's not
based in reality
or it is real
but it makes me feel less confident in
taking a step and so
either of those tests will lead me to
ultimately what is both true and useful
because if you failed at marriage it's
very fair to say that i failed in my
marriage right so it isn't a lie to say
look i made mistakes and i failed and i
may fail again in the future
but it also is true to say i've learned
from these mistakes i'm willing to look
at them nakedly and because of that i'm
more likely to get it right in the
future so either one of those is
grounded in truth so either one of them
will help you move forward but one of
them is more likely to help you move
towards your goals yep and so that's
that's like the process of of hygiene i
run through basically every belief i i
love that model um dan sullivan uh he's
the strategic coach founder guy but he
and i actually wrote a book called the
gap in the game and
that that model is the easiest model i
think i've found for describing yours
what you just described like as an
example recently i gave a a talk at an
event and it just wasn't there were a
lot of things outside of my control
and so it wasn't going
what i would call effectively
or optimally it wasn't optimal but i
realized in this kind of go this kind of
hits a lot of the things that we're
talking about in this conversation um
there's so many things i can't control
or even
comprehend one is your frame of this
event anyone else's frame and so i just
realized
you know i think it's a big aspect of
emotional freedom and emotional maturity
is just realizing
you're the only person who's
comprehending your own experience and so
you get to define it however you want
and so back to the idea of the gap and
the gain the gap is when you measure an
experience against what you ideally
thought it should have been
and so you're measuring yourself against
an ideal which is immeasurable which is
always changing and so if if you have a
bad event as a child you know your
parents get divorced and you're in the
gap about that then what you're doing is
you're measuring your past against what
you thought it should have been
and that that just creates all sorts of
trauma because you're like
you're letting the event happen to you
you know the event happened to you and
you're the reason you know the past is
driving you essentially um whereas the
gain which is kind of what you're
describing i think it creates this
extreme psychological flexibility where
you're saying what was the gain in that
how can i turn this into a gain even if
it didn't go how i thought it should
have who cares like what what can i do
with that and so if you're always
creating gains from an experience it
doesn't matter what actually occurred
you're not attached emotionally to what
happened instead you're just turning it
into gains then it doesn't really matter
what happens in your life you're gaining
from your former self you know my your
parents got divorced all right so like
what are all the reasons why
you now know things your past self
didn't know what are you gonna do
differently because of this event you
know if you're always gaining because of
every experience
then
you're always further along than your
past self you're always you know you
always have a better frame you know even
if something really bad happens you can
turn that into a gain and that's that is
essentially what post-traumatic growth
is is any event that happened you
genuinely look at it as i'm glad this
happened i'm grateful for it um
gratitude for past events enhances
post-traumatic growth you have new
meaning new perspective that your past
self didn't have and so you can
quickly turn any experience into a gain
and so that's i think that's kind of the
a model i i found to be the easiest
working one you said this earlier and
it's so true reminds me of a tony robbin
quote that
um
basically if you want a better outcome
ask a better question and that your life
is going to be determined by the
questions you ask
so and i remember one example he gave
and this always hit me so hard is
think of the worst thing that ever
happened to you and ask how is this the
best thing that ever happened to me and
your brain will actually come up with an
answer which is pretty crazy
how do you
leverage that
as far as asking better questions i i
like that example because usually
once someone reaches a certain frame or
once they reach a certain level of
maturity they realize that often it was
the worst things that happened to them
that were the best you know they lost
that job or
you know something bad happened i mean
even recently one of my good friends
their
their child died and like oh no
seriously i mean can you imagine right
and like it's easy as an outsider to say
dude and one day you're gonna really
like
be glad this happened that's so you
can't really say that from an outsider
right
but from an insider you can use that to
say
everything that's happening to me is the
best thing that can be happening to me
um and then you can start to realize and
i think this is actually a key to
happiness is that
everything that happens is the best
thing that could have happened you just
you it's kind of a detachment from
outcomes to some degree um i believe
outcomes