Kind: captions
Language: en
hey everybody welcome to another episode
of impact theory today is a very special
one we're going to be talking about one
of my favorite topics which is how to
survive the holidays
[Music]
now i know that the holidays can be a
very stressful time for people but i've
got a lot of tools and tricks that i
think will be very advantageous to you
as you navigate this difficult time
which
can also be amazing but you have to
frame things in a way that are going to
allow you to see that side of it that's
one of the things we're going to be
talking about today and my hope
is that by the end of this video you
will have the things that you need for
this to be one of the most beautiful
times of the year so that's going to be
the goal all right without further ado
let's take some questions
hey tom i'm lee and this is becker over
here snoring we're in houston texas and
i have a question for you i would love
your thoughts your suggestions around
the holidays and loneliness and anxiety
and depression and sadness everything
that's
this just ick that goes along with that
i am a single mom i'm an empty nester
and
i don't have a lot of family most of my
family is
most my family is deceased
so
this year feels harder and it feels
heavier that being said anything that
you can suggest that would help me avoid
ending up in the fetal position the
entire holiday season so i could truly
focus on what matters most in life
thanks tom
man i wish we were together because i
really want to know what matters most in
life to you
so here's here's what i would do without
knowing what that answer is because
certainly if what matters most is family
then we want to map out how and when are
we going to be able to spend time with
the family that we do have so whether
that's your kids and traveling to them
or having them travel to you and
figuring out how many days they're going
to be of that
but really mapping this stuff out now
let's take a really hard approach to
this let's make it like the just
absolute dire straits issue let's say
that every single friend that you have
and every single family member that you
have is unavailable and you're not going
to be able to see them all right we're
going to want to
do a couple of things with our time to
make sure that we're
getting more energy than we're losing
that we're doing things that are fun
we're doing things that fill us up
so some of that is going to be just what
are the things that excite you right so
for me for instance i have no problem
watching movies by myself so putting out
a slate this is this is what i would do
i so
one thing my wife has taught me is you
can take an average tuesday and make it
special by doing certain things so for
instance when covet first kicked off and
we thought it was just going to be a
couple weeks
we completely changed up our routine and
so normally monday through friday if i'm
awake i'm either working or working out
to make covid special we invited my
sister over to my house we played video
games starting at five o'clock we were
watching anime it was really really fun
and just by breaking out of our routine
and doing something that was more
enjoyable it completely changed the
dynamic so if you're not able to hang
out with people but there are things
that you like doing and you can break
yourself out of your normal routine for
instance i would if i were going to be
alone i would schedule out different
christmas movies that i wanted to watch
and i would schedule them out in a way
where i couldn't change them because
then what ends up happening is you're
like oh man i can't wait till tuesday or
whatever when i get to watch this movie
that i'm saving for myself for that day
so there's something about ha and and i
would leave some wiggle room so i would
let's say i had two things planned that
i was gonna watch one is scheduled one
is not then i would also
you have to find the things that make
you happy so i'm going to give you the
things that make me happy that i enjoy
doing when i'm alone and you slot in
whatever those things are that you like
and then we're going to get to the grand
finale which is the real thing that all
of this is building up towards which is
like the guarantee thing that's going to
work so bear with me if these easy ones
you're like nope i'm still going to be
sad i'm still going to be lonely none of
these things are going to help
trust me i've got an ace up my sleeve
we're going to get to it
okay so i would build out all the things
that i like doing so for me it's going
to be a christmas movie every day i love
that the most it's going to be time
playing video games it's going to be
time reading and then if you can't be
physically with the people that you want
to see
and let's just i'm going to assume for
now that you have a good relationship
with a few people whether they're
friends or family and i would schedule
out when they can a zoom call it makes a
huge difference being able to see them
and if i really felt like it i might try
to reconnect if none of my current group
is available i might try to reconnect
with a few people i'm going to obviously
leave alone big days like christmas eve
or christmas or new year's it's like you
know you pick the random days in that
period and you make a game of it like
how many people can i reconnect with how
much joy can i send out okay and this is
now starting to get into the the secret
ace up my sleeve which is if you stop
thinking about how can i get people to
pour into me and you start asking how
can i pour into other people then you
could be doing things like going on a
discord group uh and finding seeing
people that you can connect with there
um you could go and this this is like
this is the ace of aces right here
go find an organization a charity
organization that will connect you with
people or animals i see that you have a
dog and
doing something there where you can pour
into people that really need it like
handing out toys to kids in need going
into a
shelter for homeless going in to a
hospital
and talking to people there old folks
homes oh my god the number of people
there that truly have nobody left in
their life human connection is such a
beautiful thing and when you are serving
other people man it it seems like it
would drain you but in reality when you
know that you're doing something for
other people you feel this deep sense of
meaning and purpose and so
doing that around the holidays i think
could be a huge huge huge win that there
are other people i promise that have it
way worse than you that don't have any
friends don't have any family left don't
have any pets don't be any animals don't
have their own freedom right they're now
living in um
in an old folks home in this example or
hospice i mean there are a thousand ways
that you could go and serve other people
in a way that will bring you i think a
tremendous amount of joy
now it's also okay to mourn
the loss of an old life like when you
had the kids and they were young so
things like that it's okay to spend some
time with that
but you want to be very careful not to
allow yourself to spend more than 20 of
your time there that means you're gonna
have to pattern interrupt okay so as you
find yourself looping on the negative
stuff you have to interrupt it you have
to stop it you can't allow yourself to
think about those things and i mean that
literally
what what's gonna end up happening i can
promise you is you're going to start on
that loop and if you let yourself loop
then the negativity then the depression
then the anxiety is just going to keep
coming and coming and coming you have to
pattern interrupt that stuff
you have to then fill that with
something else so it can be
sitting down and doing a gratitude
journal it can be doing arts and crafts
it can be doing a puzzle it can be
whatever it is that ends up filling your
cup but you have to stop yourself from
thinking those thoughts look as somebody
who dealt with crippling anxiety i know
this seems like i'm giving you some bs
oh that's far too simplistic answer but
i'm telling you i got to the point
and it was actually at christmas
i got to the point at christmas where i
was with my family so there's five of us
in a living room in one of the rooms i
feel safest in all of the world
and i could not tell them a story about
something that happened to me at work i
think i don't remember what it was but
lisa was like oh you got to tell them
the story you got to tell them the story
you got to tell them i couldn't do it i
couldn't
do it because i was so anxious
to talk in front of people think about
that the same guy that you know that now
exists in front of a [ __ ] camera who
can go and speak in front of thousands
of people i could not tell a story
to my family
in the living room and there was only
five of us
so
i finally had to realize one of the many
things that i had to do to begin to
defeat my anxiety was pattern interrupt
to not allow myself to rehearse that
going wrong so weird
so
pattern interrupt
get yourself doing the things that bring
you joy and you have to find those
things you have to go out of your way
and you have to let go of the
unfairness of the way that your family
dynamic has changed and i'm sure there's
a lot of hurt around you know where we
are and how we've ended up here and
whether it's just losing people which is
[ __ ] brutal and my heart is
absolutely with you
but we have to let go of that notion of
it being unfair
so that we can find the joyful things
and spend time focusing on the things
that we're grateful for and while that
sounds silly and over simplistic it
really does work and then don't forget
the ace up your sleeve is to go and
connect with other people who need it
more than you there's something
extraordinary about being a social
creature where that is a game changer so
find ways multiple ways to go and add
value to other people's lives i promise
you it will light you up
and that's how i deal with it
hey everyone this episode is brought to
you by our sponsor betterhelp an online
counseling company with the mission to
make professional counseling accessible
affordable and convenient hope you enjoy
all right next up
hi tom jeff in lubbock texas
every year around the holidays i find it
super challenging to be with friends and
family at all the various parties
and gatherings with all the cookies and
cakes and alcoholic beverages
and not let everything go last year i
lost a whole bunch of weight this year i
want to try to keep some of it off do
you have any strategies for maintaining
some discipline during the holiday
season thanks
i do all right so i have exactly one
strategy for
maintaining the rules in my life and
that is bright lines now full disclosure
because i am so disciplined in my life
during the christmas period i completely
let myself go ham and the only thing
that i steer by is
physical suffering so there's only so
much junk food that i can eat before i
begin to feel sick or get stomach cramps
or my joints hurt
so that keeps me in check to some degree
but i don't want to give advice like i'm
moralizing i just want to because all
bets are off for me at christmas but i
do want to give you the strategies that
i was would use or i should say i'm
going to give you the strategies that i
use year round that you can deploy at
christmas that will work guaranteed it's
just a question of
whether you want the outcome badly
enough to stick with it so
it is very easy not to have any alcohol
it is harder to have one alcoholic drink
because first of all once you have one
alcoholic drink it lowers your
inhibitions which makes you more likely
to have another one so you are literally
chemically
more likely to make a decision to have
another drink when you have one so
not having any alcohol easy having only
one hard not having any cookies easy
having only one hard so i go in with
bright lines now for me and this is
where you have to translate for you
i'm so like
fetishistic
if i'm honest about bright lines and
being able to when i say i'm going to do
something i do it that i could go in and
say cool my bright line is that i can
have 25
of one small cookie or whatever so that
i don't go looking for the biggest
cookie i can find and have 25 of that i
could do that now i probably wouldn't if
i'm honest i'm either going to have fun
let loose and have as much as i want
or i'm going to go in with bright lines
but
bright lines will work no matter what it
is as long as you want the outcome
enough
to essentially torment yourself now
this is advanced class [ __ ] so i'm
saying what i would do is just abstain
and so i would set let's say if the
christmas period is two weeks
what i would do is pick a number of
times and let's just make it a number of
uh meals to keep it easy
we're gonna pick a number of meals that
we're going to let ourselves have fun
and then the rest of the time we're
going to have just a binary we're not
going to do it so we walk in and let's
say over the two week period i'm going
to let myself go crazy
four times okay amazing so twice uh a
week
for each of the weeks now pick the days
maybe it's going to be new year's eve
maybe it's christmas day maybe it's
christmas day and christmas eve maybe
it's the first day of the holiday so
you've got the first day of the holiday
christmas eve christmas day and new
year's eve that's almost certainly what
i would do so but you're gonna pick some
number of days and then you're gonna go
cool
on those days i'm gonna have one meal
where i get to go as crazy as i want so
to celebrate the beginning of the
holiday season i'm gonna go bananas on
my dinner or your lunch whatever is more
fun for you and you're gonna go hog wild
on that meal and
eat until your little heart is content
now when you do that you're going to get
to the point where you're full it's not
fun to eat anymore and then cool the
rest of your meals you're going to eat
normal food no cheat foods whatever
you're going to need to get very clear
about what is and is not a cheat food
but you line that out now we've got
bright lines now the next day man that
was fun we really enjoyed yesterday
can we have more this day
there are two options either no you
cannot or
cool if i want to move one of my four
days forward i can do that but
personally i would see that as a bad
sign i would see that as more addictive
behavior and you're not following your
map so were it me i would establish my
four days ahead of time and i would
stick to them no matter what now that's
because there are things that i want
longevity i don't want the joint pain i
want to live as long as possible i want
to look good naked right those things
matter to me so because they matter to
me i set my bright lines and i stick to
them and i want the outcome badly enough
that i just don't deviate
now
bright lines is like my absolute
linchpin strategy
there are also other things that you
could do for instance one thing that i
do right now in fact i'm wearing a
continuous glucose monitor all right now
part of the reason that i do that is i
just find it incredibly fun to see what
foods have what kind of glucose reaction
and then the reality is at christmas or
the holidays the eating patterns there
are really two things you have to worry
about the amount of sugar you're in
taking and the number of calories
while a continuous glucose monitor is
not going to help you with your calorie
count it is absolutely going to help you
with your glucose intake your sugar
intake and so having one of those and
you can even set your phone
to like go off to have an alarm when you
get outside of your glucose range so let
me tell you
real quickly on the four days you're
allowing yourself some cheat food if
that's the number that you set for
yourself
you'll know like yo my blood sugar is
200 250 whatever uh that would be a real
good sign to pump the breaks so you
could even say cool i'm only going to
cheat four days and i'm only going to
allow myself to be uh beyond uh 200
blood sugar rains for a total of 60
minutes
word so now we have our bright lines we
have things that we can do that are
going to keep us honest and when you
have a continuous glucose monitor
there's a sense of being watched even
though you're the only one that wat
that's watching you
there is something about having the
record of being able to look in your
phone and see yo i
i spike my blood glucose a lot that has
a way of keeping you honest okay so
those are the techniques that i use but
the real secret here is wanting the
outcome badly enough
and so this is where you're gonna need
to build the desire
around keeping that weight off now i
find and studies back up that keeping
the weight off is not a motivating goal
so let's set a goal that is motivating
like when i lost 60 pounds it was all
about i wanted six-pack abs plain and
simple i had an image uh in my head of
what that was going to look like i used
to hang a photo of hugh jackman up i had
my wife draw me with six-pack abs before
i had six-pack halves maybe that's
embarrassing but it's nonetheless true
and so it gave me something that i could
fantasize about and i could look forward
to and so when i had the temptation to
eat uh more than my allotted amount
then i could think about that thing that
i wanted and so because i'm somebody who
moves toward things i was very excited
to get my abs so i had my bright lines
and i had this thing that i was really
excited about and so between the two i
was able to lose 60 pounds get six-pack
abs i've kept the weight off for
six seven years at this point
so
that is
the technique i would use that has
worked very well for me but if you don't
want it badly enough you won't even set
the bright lines so focus on the desire
for the outcome
all right
that's how to deal with food let me tell
you right now
all right next
hi tom my name is ciprian i'm currently
residing in bucharest in romania
so for me holidays are particularly hard
because my mother took her own life
about six years ago i have a strong
relationship with my father he drinks
and also when i go back
uh to the place that where i grew up
i get hit with all those memories and
the memories of
some
relatives that passed away in the last
years and
some of the other older relatives
are dealing with various mental health
issues or they're depressed or not
looking forward to a lot in life
so for me uh the question is how do i
frame my visit there in a way that it's
actually empowering for me and it gives
me more energy that than it takes and
it's a positive experience where i get
to spend time with those people that i
actually care about and i and i and i
love
but at the same time
how do i keep my boundaries and make
sure that i
do the things that i do there because i
want to not because i feel guilty or i
feel a sense of
nostalgia out of
best memories thank you
all right so first of all i just want to
give you my deepest condolences for
the loss of your mother and the other
people that you were referencing losing
somebody to suicide is one of the most
gnarly and difficult things that i can
imagine
so
yeah just acknowledging that and
acknowledging that
it may not be that at this point
going back home is going to give you
more energy than it takes and so
acknowledging the truth of the situation
and recognizing that we're going into
something difficult
and using
the the framing that we're going to need
to go through something difficult like
that to make sure that we understand
what it is that we're trying to get out
of it to be realistic and honest about
what the situation is there might be a
lot of unresolved trauma for you there's
clearly if your father drinks there's
unresolved trauma being dealt with there
even if it's just the trauma of
addiction but normally addiction also
has some sort of traumatic cue
that kicks it off in the first place so
given the amount of unresolved trauma
that we have going on
i think coming into that with your eyes
wide open about the fact that you're not
going to be able to control other people
you're not necessarily going to be able
to influence them or get them to make
change and so the amount of chaos that
that may introduce into the system when
you go back home
[Music]
that is going to be something that's
difficult and not putting the extra
burden on yourself thinking that you're
going to be able to change it fix it
save people that just isn't how this
works and so letting yourself off the
hook from that perspective is incredibly
important
so going into that situation knowing
that knowing that we're going to have to
put a frame of reference around this as
a i don't want to say a hard thing but
it may very well be a hard thing it may
be that that's the right way to look at
this and instead of looking for a frame
of reference it's going to make this
seem like it's all sunshine and roses
making it a frame of reference around
healing you right not other people
around you finding a path to equanimity
even in the middle of a storm right so
the idea that you have this goal that
you want to be able to set your
boundaries that you want to be able to
remain calm and not get emotionally
perturbed by the people around you that
may be the goal so rather than you know
going and saying i want to have a joyous
time with the people that i love which
of course if there is a path to that we
will take it but i'm just being
realistic if we're going into a space
with an alcoholic if we're going into a
space where there's unresolved trauma
and if any of that stuff is triggered
around the holidays
recognizing that the goal is to navigate
that well rather than to say oh i have
this image in my head from the movies
about what a family is going to be like
recognizing that that just may not be
possible given the place that everybody
else is in their life okay so i just
want to state again
we cannot control other people
you cannot make them
um
deal with their mental health that
cannot be your responsibility and so
going and spending time with them if
that's what you want to do which by the
way i want to put on the table that
there are some environments where
not spending time may be the right
answer but i'm going to assume that for
now it's important to you you want to be
there so
going there and doing what i call just
sit
and just be with them don't try to
change them
don't let them impact the way that you
feel just be with them love them have
compassion and that oftentimes is the
way to
um
deal with a difficult situation so often
one of the questions i get asked is you
know i'm working on myself i have a
growth mindset i'm making improvements
in my life and there are other people in
my family that aren't they're not in
that same situation they're not going
through the same things that i'm going
through and so what can i do to help
them change and the answer is you can't
you can't want it for them you can't do
the work for them ultimately they have
to get to the point where they're going
to do that for themselves and so that i
think is what this is going to be about
for you
is going in and saying okay i'm going to
practice setting my boundaries i'm not
going to try to change anybody i'm not
going to try to save them i'm not going
to try to stop whatever storm it is that
they may bring what i'm going to do is
make sure that i navigate it well that i
find my path through this without
letting their emotions become my
emotions not being codependent with them
so that as their emotions shift your
emotions shift that becomes the reason
for going into this and for dealing with
that in addition to of course spending
time with people that you love even when
they're going through a difficult
situation is an amazing thing but we
have to be
forthright with ourselves as we frame
this as we go in you know ready to deal
with this to navigate it well
that there are going to be these
emotional storms and that our goal has
to be to remain calm to remain centered
or at least be able to come back to the
center relatively quickly so things that
i would do one what are your boundaries
two communicate your boundaries let
people know
because the last thing you want to do is
as things are
ratcheting it up and people are getting
angry that that's when you're trying to
establish the way that you're going to
be in that space
also know what am i going to do if
things get out of hand because the last
thing you want to do is blow up an anger
and storm out of the room but if you
have boundaries and you know hey this is
getting to a point that it's not fun
anymore and you know whether that's
a level of drinking whether that's a
certain emotional tenor that gets struck
but making sure that you know what
you're comfortable with what you're not
that you communicate the needs that you
have with and you want to do your best
to
not make people feel judged right this
isn't about that but it's also that
people
treat you exactly the way you let them
treat you so if you have historically
put boundaries and then let people tread
around them
then they're going to keep doing it so
if you know hey
i'm i'm cool with this and i'm not cool
with that and i totally understand this
is your guys's holiday too if that's
what you want to do i fully respect that
and just know that i'll be there until
we get to that point and then i will
politely with all the love in the world
excuse myself and when you can remain
like that where it's like cool we've now
crossed the line thank you guys so much
you know wish you the best i'm gonna
leave for the night maybe you go back
the next morning and when you can come
back and not be judgmental not need to
punish them for anything that they've
done that you know crosses your
boundaries it's just hey if you cross my
boundaries i'm going to remove myself
from the situation i'm not going to get
angry i'm not going to freak out but i
am going to remove myself from the
situation and then actually do it and if
you are consistent with that you will
see people immediately begin to redraw
the way that they interact with you and
you have to be consistent with that it's
not going to be easy a lot of these old
patterns will die hard
but if you're not making it some big
dramatic deal of like oh my god you've
crossed my boundaries and i knew that
you could never hold to them and it
becomes an emotional thing for you
that's just going to get an even bigger
emotional reaction out of them so let
them know that you love them let them
know that you're just not willing to be
in the environment when they cross
whatever that boundary is excuse
yourself politely and with kindness
give them the grace to make the mistakes
in their own lives and then when they're
you know back within the boundaries of
what you're willing to accept then you
come back into the space and again
there's no need to punish them um for
the past but clearly articulating what
your boundaries are
is
i think going to be the most important
thing that you could do this christmas
now there's one more thing or this
holiday season there's one more thing i
want to address which is you said that
you don't want to get nostalgic um i
don't know that that's a bad thing now i
don't know what that word means to you
but to me nostalgia is like
a longing for the beauty of the past and
as long as you understand that that is a
trick that the mind plays that the past
was as complicated as the present it was
as messy and full of bad and good just
like the present is but that that is a
beautiful lens with which to um
view the past as long as we understand
that this is a simplification that the
mind does to mythologize the past to
hopefully extract the lessons and lessen
some of the emotional pain that's part
of what sleep is about and this is how
ptsd is avoided is the emotional tenor
of memories can be stripped as you sleep
i don't want to sidetrack on that but
being nostalgic and having warm feelings
and you know having that that
bittersweet nature of thinking about
your mom and being back in those old
scenarios i think that's part of how we
deal with that trauma is you focus on
the positive memories you instead of
only thinking about the negative things
you let some of that nostalgia creep in
you let some of those things be viewed
through rose-colored glasses we don't
want to lose any lessons that we might
glean from it but finding your way to
remembering the things about your mom
that made you happy or that were warm
instead of looping only around the
negative things i think is a great
coping mechanism for reshaping the past
into something that allows us to be
bright and vibrant in the present all
right it's an incredibly complex thing
that we could spend the entire
episode on today uh but i will leave it
there thank you so much for sharing man
i know that takes a lot of vulnerability
i really really appreciate it and i wish
you the best this holiday season
hey everybody it's time to talk about
all of our favorite subjects mental
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all right guys if you need this one
please give it a shot take care and be
legendary
all right next
hi tom this is nima sending this video
from vienna austria thank you for this
opportunity
my question is about
working hard for an entire year i know
the holidays are approaching i don't
plan on taking a holiday and i have not
taken a holiday during corona so for the
past two years i know you don't do
overwhelm and
you don't want to have a burnout
so my question is how does one
effectively work during the holidays end
of the year and for the rest of the new
year without suddenly an overwhelm or a
burnout
creeping up on them thank you very much
and
take care
all right to be honest i wouldn't know i
do not work over the holiday period it
is the two-week period over the entire
year where i just completely shut off so
even when i travel like if i do a trip
with lisa in the summer
i'm still going to be working but over
christmas let me tell you i shut off and
one thing i want people to understand
about my i don't do overwhelmed thing is
i want to be very clear about this i
don't do overwhelm ever but how do i
avoid it
one
i don't just say oh i can take on more i
can carry okay that's a lie i do
actually tell myself that i can carry an
infinite load however
i know that that's a lie
now it's empowering and it gets me
exciting and so it gives me like let's
call it a 15 edge but the 85 percent of
how i actually deal with overwhelm is by
hitting the pause button
taking a deep breath meditating for 20
minutes and reminding myself of the
following lesson
doing less
is always an option
that's tom bilyeu king of hustle porn
telling you that in your
bag of tools
needs to be the idea that sometimes
chilling
relaxing
just having fun
not thinking about work
is the right answer
now remember
i work 93 hours a week on average
because 93 hours are joyful
the whole punch line of life
is
to live a joyful life of fulfillment
that's it
so let me tell you part of living a
joyful life for me is hitting the pause
button for two weeks in december
and spending it with my family and
lavishing them with attention playing
games goofing off eating junk food
absolutely switching into a totally
different gear that i am not in at all
the rest of the year and i love it and
i'm not ashamed of it i [ __ ] love it
i look forward to it every year it's
super fun it's a neat gear to be in i
wouldn't want to be in there much longer
than two weeks but
it's a really fun time and i look
forward to it so
my thing is
make sure you're living a joyful life
now if joyful for you is working then it
becomes how do we deal with overwhelm
just as a general thing it's not about
holidays and just know that if you
are working hard all the time and you
haven't taken a break in two years which
i do not recommend but if you're having
a good time doing it amazing
and then it comes to on a random tuesday
you just can't take it anymore then take
the tuesday off
doing less is always an option just
don't be conflicted about what you want
out of your life
but remember
having fun
living a joyful life
that is the point unto itself so don't
get yourself into a position where you
think you're only valuable if you are
working you should work as much as it's
bringing you joy as much as it's
bringing you meaning and purpose you
should not be working just because you
think that
working is what you should be doing
every waking moment
work is meant to lead you to meaning and
purpose
and if it's not the [ __ ] are we doing
so
that is my advice if you need time off
take it off
and the strategies for dealing with
overwhelm pattern interrupt
stop and meditate
remind yourself that you're
extraordinarily capable
but sometimes chilling is the right
answer
that's it
that's it that's how you deal with it
that's how you do it sometimes people
you just gotta shake that ass and have a
little bit of fun
let us not forget
that that is a part of life or at least
it should be
all right
who's up next
hey tom how you doing my name is raul
i'm from rockland california and around
the holidays i have a hard time
with how people who fight
and struggle and just hate each other
during the year come together and just
pretend like everything's okay
i have a hard time
faking like everything is wonderful what
could i do
this is interesting so
i have uh when i was younger this was
way more true unfortunately some of them
have passed away but when i was younger
my family was hilarious
and i once sat across a table uh from a
cousin my mom's cousin i'm not sure what
and
they were almost certainly on opioids
and they were like dozing off at the
table and i remember thinking
like this is
certainly sad
but the reaction that other people
had to them was to not want to be around
them
and my reaction was exactly the opposite
which was there they have
a life experience that is so different
than mine that i just want to talk to
them i want to
learn more i want to find out we weren't
talking about their usage and to be
honest at the time i didn't know
anything about opioids so
i didn't realize sort of the depth of
the the tragedy that that is
but
my reaction wasn't to judge them my
reaction was to learn
and
if i were in your situation
i wouldn't be fighting myself right
because you're saying that people are
coming together they're really angry and
they're just pretending
you want to get to the point where
you're not pretending either there's no
reason to be mad or upset it's be
curious ask questions find out where
people are at where they're going don't
feel like you need to convince them
don't feel like you have to agree with
their politics and really don't feel
like you have to convince them of your
politics just learn man what are they
about like what's led them to that
position and not like in some big way
just ask them what's going on how they
think about things and again you're just
trying to learn you're just really
curious you want to know what they're
about i think it's when people either
feel that that person is somehow a
reflection on them or they feel like
they have to convince them
i don't have that sense i don't
i don't believe it would be good if
everybody in the world thought like i
thought viewed the world that the way
that i view it
and people that have what i'll call a
sub-optimal worldview
meaning that the way that they perceive
the world does not move them towards
their goals right again it's not a moral
judgment to me
something is right if it moves you
towards your goal as long as your goal
is exciting and honorable okay and i'm
not going to especially not at a family
function i'm not going to convince
people that their goals are not
honorable that does not strike me as a
good use of that time with them so again
i'm shifting into curiosity mode i'm
trying to learn about them i want to
know what makes them tick and
when you do that people feel seen they
feel heard and the the warmth that that
will create between the two of you is
really extraordinary and i can have a
conversation with somebody that i don't
agree with i can have a conversation
with somebody that i disagree with
vehemently i can have a conversation
with somebody who's angry with me i can
have a conversation with somebody who's
angry at other people and not get sucked
into that and to me this is like a
mixture of just sit right if it's
somebody that i love and they're going
through something hard
one i don't take that on myself i'm not
trying to change them i'm not trying to
fix them i'm just trying to be with them
and enjoy their company be naturally
curious about what they're doing what
they're up to and when you get into that
learn mode and get people
discussing themselves one is utterly
fascinating and then two
it makes them feel really good and so
getting that kind of vibe
it is
really fascinating to me how different
the time will be if you go into it and
say you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna
find a way to create a warm vibe but i'm
not gonna i'm never gonna say hey
everybody i'm just trying to create a
warm vibe so you go there you ask
natural questions you don't you know
shame people or you know push people
into a situation where you're trying to
get them to agree with you nothing like
that and you just see like how much joy
can i bring to the table i might roll up
to the scene with 25 questions that i
want to ask everybody that are going to
be hilarious or bring games i mean there
are all kinds of things that you can do
to to basically say
the game i'm gonna play tonight is i'm
gonna see how rad i can make this vibe
how good can i make people feel and if
you go into it trying to play that game
and by the way not trying to force it or
anything like that because you can
create your own [ __ ] nightmare but
going in and just seeing like can i
nudge things in a beautiful direction
and then if you have to pull the rip
cord and go into the other room if it's
not going well if people are just biting
at each other and they're imploding
going back to their earlier question you
need to have your boundaries know what
you're going to tolerate and what is
going to be okay this has gotten out of
hand and you know my desire to like
nudge people into a warm and sort of
friendly uh
welcoming vibe is not working you know
reminder to self to get better at that
and then you just
excuse yourself to the other room or
go outside you're in california so you
know even in the depth of the winter
here it's not that bad um
you know or exit the the get-together
all of those are options but if you flip
that switch in your mind to be curious
um and
let all of the hurts and frustrations
and all that go and just try to have fun
and then worst case of worst cases just
be a sociologist and just sit back and
observe
and don't try to change people
don't make them feel judged and
that's really worked for me i've never
had to articulate this out loud before
but that has really worked for me
just being
curious
watching and asking questions and not
trying to hold to any outcome
i think it'll be a game changer for you
all right
word
that's it everybody those were amazing
questions by the way i want to shout out
the producer jamie welcome jamie uh
amazing choices of questions those were
absolutely wonderful and
the holidays are a tough time they are a
beautiful time ultimately like any
aspect of life they are ultimately what
you make of it navigating other humans
can be incredibly difficult but if you
take the
position of
curiosity love warmth like there's this
thing called loving kindness meditation
where you close your eyes you
meditatively breathe and you just
imagine this bubble of warmth and love
slowly enveloping more people in your
life more people until it envelops the
entire world you can actually when
people do that for a long enough period
of time you can see the differences in
their brain
it's absolutely insane this stuff works
man fill your heart with love as cheesy
as that sounds when you go into these
environments fill your heart with love
don't be judgmental having uh those kind
of bickering biting
trauma-filled exchanges are their own
punishment you do not need to make it
worse by trying to change people
convince them to be otherwise or
whatever just go enjoy your family for
all of their imperfections all of us
have our own imperfections and if you're
alone find ways to serve find ways to
think about all the good the beautiful
all of that
loneliness comes for us all
so all of us i mean eventually right we
we die as we live ultimately alone and
so
having tools to navigate that to build a
warm and loving internal life i'm not
saying it's easy
but i am saying it's possible that's the
way the human mind works
you see what you look for so
look for the good
and with that i wish you all a very
happy holiday season much love i am
practicing my loving kindness with all
of you guys i will definitely be sending
good vibes this holiday season and every
season all right guys until next time be
legendary take care peace