Kind: captions
Language: en
[Music]
the thing that i've learned
especially in this last relationship was
probably my greatest teacher of all
i loved this woman
cared deeply about this person
want the best for this person and
what i have learned is love is not
enough
love is not enough
for
a long-term committed
healthy relationship to fully work
hey everyone this episode is brought to
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hey everybody welcome to another episode
of impact theory today i am here with
the dean of the school of greatness
lewis howes louis my man welcome back to
the show dude good to see you brother
dude it is so good to see you i really
do enjoy our time together so i'm super
stoked to have you yeah i want to ask
you you have
really created something pretty amazing
for yourself what is the skill that you
have that you think is most important in
your success vision
100 to explain that
from a young age i've been able to see
things that i thought for myself
that i wasn't able to explain i was able
to see how to accomplish my goals
athletically i was able to see how i
needed to connect with a certain person
i was able to see how to build an online
business when i didn't have the skills
or the know-how i was able to somehow
figure out okay this is where i need to
go
and i could figure out the path
through the clarity somehow and
and i'm really good at seeing other
people's path as well that's been
something that i've developed the last
10 years so if you told me like my goal
is x and you weren't sure how to make it
happen
you wouldn't say that because you know
exactly what you need to do but most
people they're like i'm not sure how to
get there
i would be able to just i don't know
what it is there's something that i've
been able to develop where i can see
exactly the steps i need to take to make
it happen so when you're thinking
through it do you have a method or is it
literally like it just appears to you
there's no method it's like a picasso i
don't know it's like like painting
something like it just kind of all comes
together and i don't know where that
comes from do you have a um do you use
meditation for this like what are it's
like thinking about the person who wants
to have the kind of success you've had
and so is it just that you're born with
it and move on to the next question or
is there anything i think it's a unique
uh
experiences all the experiences that
i've had that have allowed me to
from my very young age i observed people
i observed people constantly because i
didn't have friends so i would sit and
watch and observe and then when i was
able to have the courage to speak to
people
i would ask questions just like we do on
a daily daily show and everything
and
i would just notice people's energy i
would notice their energy what they were
saying what they weren't saying what was
missing
and i think this the pattern recognition
over time
from observing people asking questions
but also
applying these things in my
visualization practice for sports
sports was the greatest teacher for me
growing up because every day i got to be
in the arena i got to practice something
that i wanted to accomplish i got to
improve on a skill set whether it be in
basketball it was a dribbling
skill that i wanted to learn or a
shooting drill or rebounding there was
always a skill that i needed to improve
upon football like in sports you never
are
you've never mastered really anything
you can be great at something but
there's always another level in sports
to be better even the best basketball
players they miss a lot of their shots
it's like you can always improve
somewhere some skill set so for me the
application of
seeing my own goals and seeing my own
dreams and then taking daily actions to
improve upon those and make those goals
come to reality
it was the full circle moments that i
created consistently here's the dream 15
years later it happened seven years
later it happened five years 20 years it
was like seeing it come to fruition was
a big
it gave me the confidence those results
gave me the confidence and then
when i started coaching other people i
don't know seven eight years ago in kind
of the business world in the online
marketing world or just like their life
goals i just started seeing it be like
okay yeah i see myself in you i see this
problems that i had
what was struggling for me and if you
just
eliminate this limiting belief if you
take this action if you do this thing
you should be there in six months not
six years
and then they would do it and i was just
like awesome so then seeing those
results in other people i was like okay
maybe this is a skill i have for others
not just accomplishing goals myself is
there anything somewhat universal that
you see people struggle with is it all
mindset or is it like when i think about
business business is
complicated it's so complicated
and so i do this thing now called
business decision making where it's a
course would literally just live fire
get a group of entrepreneurs together
and say what's the biggest problem
you're facing and let me show you how to
think through that to get to an answer
right so that you can make it deployable
for any business
so in that to your point about pattern
recognition you begin to realize okay
this this seems super complicated on the
outside but there's a foundational way
to walk through those steps do you walk
people through that like
are there universal things in there that
you can help people anchor on it's
usually asking a few questions one is
what's missing
in their life or their business yeah
what's missing like what's the thing
that's holding you back
and
it's kind of just observing asking
questions seeing what they're talking
about what they're not talking about i'd
like to ask what's missing um
do people know well you get to find out
you know like maybe they'll tell you
they know exactly what's missing or
maybe just by hearing them like okay is
this it or is this it and just kind of
feeling it out uh this the second thing
is
the self-belief they don't have the
belief and so what is missing from their
ability to believe in themselves
in accomplishing this big goal that
they've never accomplished because
usually it's something we want we've
never had and so we've never created it
it's hard to believe in something we
don't see
fully on how to get there for most
people right um
unless you practice that i think
actually visualizing the end result
seeing the end result
that practice but also the practice of
just i've seen the goal i want and i've
accomplished it that practice and in
your fantasy in everything yes and a
fantasy of like i want to accomplish
this goal
and you imagine yourself doing it
holding the thing having whatever it is
you want that is a part of it but
actually in real life accomplishing it
and then doing that but how do you do
the first one right so taking your own
story you go from the last kid picked in
dodgeball
to playing at the olympic level in
handball being a professional football
player like that's a pretty big chasm to
cross yeah so when you go from even the
girls were picked above you in a in a
competition that involves strength right
uh
so
there's nothing for you to anchor on so
how do you begin to imagine having it or
back then maybe that wasn't the thing
that got you moving i used to watch a
lot of sports movies back then and so i
would pick up things from the movies and
just like okay maybe i'll try this that
they had to work hard things like that
yeah whatever or just like because i
didn't actually understand that as a kid
i actually thought you were either
gifted or you weren't
i think i was
that's funny i was having this
conversation with a friend yesterday
that
most of my childhood i would get in
trouble and i would say i wish i were
dead i would get sent to the principal's
office and i would say
i wish i were dead i don't know why i'm
here
i would say this but then something
inside of me was like calling me it was
like pulling me forward it's really hard
to explain it was kind of like in the
middle of my not the stomach not
high in the chest but kind of in the
middle is like pulling me forward of
like no don't end it like there's got to
be a reason there's going to be
something you're meant to do and i never
understood what it was why do you think
it came from your we'll call it the
diaphragm yeah i don't know this i was
literally having this conversation
yesterday because i feel crazy when i
talk about this i sound like a crazy
person you know that there i forget what
uh warrior culture said this but there
is a warrior culture maybe the samurai
god please doctor in case that's wrong
but that'll get you the right idea where
they said that the the diaphragm is the
seed of the soul
interesting yes very interesting to me
that you felt that even as a kid i felt
it um when i was five because i remember
and then i felt it consistently
throughout every day i still feel today
and i don't know what the reason is but
i feel like there's something pulling me
in every experience and every
breakdown and
mistake i've made is teaching me
something to improve myself to prepare
myself for something greater i don't
sounds crazy it doesn't sound crazy i
want to understand so
your story is a transition from sort of
dark aggression
um getting angry right we covered that
in in our previous interview but
you've turned that now into something
that's light and expansive and and so
what i'm curious about is we go from we
have the sense of why am i here i just
want to die but ah there's something
pulling me from my abdomen and like it's
this very physical experience
when do you begin to give it a meaning
that isn't sort of dark and eight years
ago eight years ago i feel like i had
the perfect storm of breakdowns in my
life
i moved to la for a girl
we tried to make it work but it was up
and down it was just like breakdown city
um i was in a business partnership with
a company i had at that time it was in
constant breakdown arguments fight
conflict it was just
not good
and i started to
you know friendships weren't breakdown
everything was in breakdown
and i got i think i talked about the
last time but i got into a basketball
fight where i was in a pretty bad fight
in a basketball game and i just had all
this anger and aggression that was
constantly coming out whenever i felt
triggered i remember one time this is
gonna sound crazy one time i was driving
in west hollywood and i stopped at a
stop sign there was a runner coming
behind me and he
punched the side of my car as it went
around me
this is how crazy it was i literally
drove the down the person i drove and
chased this runner down
parked in the middle of melrose avenue
in the middle got out and started
chasing at this guy and then i stopped
like what am i doing like what am i
doing so i had these all these moments
where i was like
something is not right and i remember
after this fight that i got into on the
basketball court in a
simple pickup game a fun game i was like
what is going on my best friend was like
i don't want to hang out with you if you
continue to act this way
and that was a wake-up call i was like
okay if my best friend doesn't want to
hang out with me because i can't manage
whatever is going on inside
in the external world i'm reactive to
everything
let me do some work on this and that was
the process when i started going to
every therapist i could think of every
workshop anything i was like i will try
anything because on the outside
life looked good i was
you know
making money i was building a business i
had a personal brand i was like things
looked good on the outside but on the
inside i was suffering and i didn't know
what it was i didn't know how to get out
of it i just thought well this is my
personality don't try to change me this
is who i am
and i got to a place where i just wasn't
enjoying who i was anymore i didn't
enjoy my own company
because it was just so much suffering
inside i just didn't understand it and
everyone might look at me and say well
you shouldn't be complaining about
something like you're live in america
and you had this and you got a business
you had money like you have nothing to
complain about
but i think
we underestimate what people might be
going through inside even if they look
like they have it all figured out on the
outside so i have a lot of compassion
for people now because i understand like
man it doesn't matter what you look like
how beautiful you are how much money you
have how much success
people
if you don't know how to manage the
beast inside you could be really be
struggling
and all that could be a mask so i was
wearing a mask
and that's the moment when i started to
say i want to discover everything within
me why did i do everything from my past
how did all my past affect me today what
is it and these things i was afraid to
look at for 25 years which was the first
thing being sexually abused at five
years old
then there's parent stuff just like
fights and arguments and just all these
other things my brother going to prison
for a number of years when i was a kid
and not having friends during that time
because i was you know
looked at as like the bad kids younger
brother and so i must be bad it was just
like
series of events
that for me
caused me to react with a lot of
triggers and anger
and when i finally recognized it and was
willing to look myself in the mirror and
be honest with myself
that's when i was
available for healing that's why i was
available for that talk to me about the
healing process is it is it about
changing the
meaning that those events have where
it's like it happened to me versus it
happened for me like what are you doing
that was definitely part of it i think a
lot of it was um
not being afraid to speak about it i
think
for myself
i never told anyone i was sexually
abused and i never told people certain
things that i was ashamed of and so that
shame just built with this like ball of
anger inside of me and whenever i felt
under attack or whenever i felt like
someone was trying to abuse me or
someone was trying to do something to me
unfairly if i was giving a lot and
someone was taking advantage of it
it was almost like i just yeah i felt
under attack and i wanted to fight i
wanted to defend myself
and so being able to speak about it and
share the shame
allowed me to start the healing process
i think i wasn't even able to talk about
it
sharing it was huge i started writing
letters to everyone that i was angry
with i started writing these letters
i didn't send them i just did it for
myself to really process analytically
to pen and paper and to look at the
words of like how did it make me feel
were they aggressive you letters or
yes and thank you letters
so it was the full range that's
emotional so is that when you because
really what i'm trying to figure out is
how to transform it into yeah because
look one of the things you talked about
during the book tour was
a lot of people worry that by giving up
that mask they let go of their edge the
aggression the very thing that's made
them successful and to be honest i'm
empathetic to that i i actually think
that
finding a way to channel that masculine
energy is smart and i chip on the
shoulder yeah i love it dude
it's it's gotten me where i am
absolutely but being able to balance
like the i only let myself lean into the
darkness
until i know that now it's in danger of
being corrosive and so then i don't do
that right so it's like i always call it
the 2080 principle so 20 of the time i'm
down be in the dark side love it
absolutely literally just like
darth vader it's sexy yeah
it is right it's really powerful driven
but
if you spend more than 20 of your time
there it will tear you apart so you've
got to balance it with 80 in the light
side so i'm curious like when you begin
like maybe it's those letters but at
some point it's like
you know the intoxication of writing the
you letter and being like
no it wasn't like f you later it was
like i want to destroy you physically
it's like i want to go and put your face
in the ground and smash it as hard as i
can yes that's the
the darkness love it it's like how do i
do that
with with still being alive and not
going to jail it's like that's the
darkness that was in my mind
and i could easily go back to that place
and that's the scary thing is i know
what's inside of me okay now we're let's
go to some real here at lewis house
for people that have never stood next to
you you're a big dude yes strong
yes and i was watching one of your
instagram stories and you were beating
the life out of your poor trainer and i
was like for sake even though he
has that
yeah yeah but like you were hitting him
so hard
and here's what i think is awesome so
one of the the idea that
jordan peterson had that really
rocked me is this idea of the meek shall
inherit the earth now hearing that in a
biblical context i never understood it
did not make sense because i interpreted
meek to be weak yes and i was like why
would a we
and look i'm a guy that grew up weak
like my whole journey in life has been
learning about toughening up so all the
empathy in the universe for people that
feel weak
so
i just couldn't understand it i was like
i've really tried to get away from this
and so much of the good in my life is
from getting tough absolutely and so he
was like well if you go back and look at
the actual ancient word that this is
interpreted from meek may be better
translated as somebody who has the beast
inside but can keep it controlled
absolutely somebody that has a sword and
knows how to use it but keeps it
sheathed yes and i was like oh my god
like that now makes sense to me where
you have the power you can punch
like an ox well i think uh i i can't
remember
who said it but someone said it on a
podcast somewhere and i i think it's
like a chinese proverb or something
where it's like it's better to be a
a warrior in a garden than a gardener in
a war yes and
every day i want to train myself to be
prepared for a war whatever that war is
whether that's externally internal
and i truly believe for me my body is
very physical i need to move
and
it gives me so much confidence it gives
me joy it gives me happiness to be able
to train whether it be in boxing or
lifting or any type of physical activity
where i feel like i am strong and i can
take care of myself if i need to i hope
i never have to use that strength to
defend myself i hope i never do but to
just know if someone wanted to do
something i would be able to take care
of myself that gives me inner peace
that eliminates anxiety that makes me be
able to walk in a room and see the room
and scan the room and say i got this i
don't need to feel afraid for myself
and um
the discipline you talk about it's a lot
the discipline of doing something
painful every day i think is one of the
most important disciplines that any
human being can have
whatever that pain looks like for you i
believe we must lean in the pain every
day
otherwise pain pain is going to lean
into us
but if we're leaning into it first
when when stuff happens it's like yeah i
got this because i do this every day i'm
not saying we should be any pain 80 of
our day but maybe an hour 30 minutes you
should do something that makes you want
to puke or makes you want to stop or
makes you want to relax
because then when stuff really happens
you'll be
relaxed and that's key for me so
there is definitely i feel such a sense
of peace in my life right now
and um it's because i train hard what
are what are some of the things you do
that make you want to
stop making more stop what so you said
you should do something every day that
makes you want to puke you want to stop
this morning i was yeah doing an 8 a.m
session and i hired the best trainer in
the world for for boxing a former
olympian tony jeffries he's amazing
and i'm just like know how far to push
me like he knows how far to push me
where even today i go
i started bending over at one point
because i thought i was gonna puke in
the ring he goes what's wrong and i go
i just need to breathe and he goes let's
go step in and i was just like mother
after i was like okay
and i stopped because i haven't trained
in like a week with him because i was
traveling and so
and then i sat down in between rounds
because we'll do like two minute rounds
where it's intense
and then i'll stop for 60 seconds and
sit and just breathe and meditate
and at one point i go i might need
another 60 seconds he goes like make
this your recovery round like lean into
the pain and recover at the same time so
i'm learning lessons every time i'm
doing this whether i'm lifting with my
lifting coach or
or boxing with him it's
i just feel so at peace afterwards i'm
like man i know i can do this and every
day i push myself a little bit harder
it's like you just feel like you can
conquer anything
i don't want to be tested in the real
world i'm like someone brings a knife to
me i'm going to run away you know i mean
it's like i don't want to be
i hope i don't have to but it's just the
confidence of the daily practice so
um
but i mean the the working out alone is
not enough i have been doing years of
the inner work the inner workout and
it's all about the inner game as you
know
the meditation practices the
visualization the therapies the
workshops the just
whatever it is listening to shows like
yours reading books whatever it is
constantly trying to improve my mind
and heal the soul
and i think by integrating the daily
pain of the physical body and by
integrating constant healing
and it's like things happen every day to
us where we can be triggered so we're
going to be constantly like letting it
go and forgiving and moving beyond it
and the more i do that the better i feel
and when i when i stop those practices
that's when i feel like something's off
my life yeah one thing i'm really trying
to get people to understand is that your
mind and your body are not separate
and it is one thing 85 of the impulses
that travel along the biggest nerve in
your body the vagus nerve are going from
the body to the brain not the brain to
the body and so you've got lisa feldman
barrett wrote this book called how
emotions are made
it's all about how your body will feel
some kind of way and your brain tries to
attach meaning to it and explain what's
going on but it doesn't start with a
thinking connected exactly yeah yeah and
so that idea of strength and power and
being able to generate force it's like
that's a real thing and for me i
remember when i had first met my
partners back at quest they said dude
when we first met you we couldn't
understand how you held your head up
your neck was so small
and they they were just like yeah
because they were like
they were like these bodybuilders and
they're looking at me like they were
calling me pencil neck and and
you know it really like i had lifted a
little bit before then but never really
taken it seriously but then suddenly
being around guys that were very
physical
and i started lifting and i was like oh
my god it's like a whole thing when you
came like a super power once you start
lifting at the height of my deadlifting
when i was really serious about getting
weights up i could bend over and pick up
almost 400 pounds and i remember just
like i'd walk around and say to my wife
i can bend over and pick up almost crazy
and like it's a thing you know what i
mean like it it feels some kind of way
and getting people like focused on
because as much you say and i think it's
so so true that the working out
physically isn't enough but doing the
mental work isn't enough like you really
have to do it man you have to do it all
i think and
it's it's the emotional work too it's
like have you healed the past have you
forgiven are you still holding on to
resentment if so something is going to
be off in your life
it's the mental growth like improving
the mindset on a daily basis improving
the physical body and then are you
releasing the emotions are you
processing are you integrating the
lessons you've learned from the previous
breakup into this relationship or are
you carrying things from the past
and it's kind of that those three things
really connecting and then if you have a
spiritual you know
practice as well i think really
integrating that is something important
but
and part of my life was all physical and
i got physical results and was suffering
emotionally
then i started to heal the emotional
side and feel peace and sleep at night
for the first time which i was like oh
my god i can sleep it's because i let go
of something i was holding on to
emotionally
then i was like okay i don't feel like
i'm that smart so let me learn let me
improve my mindset let me get new skills
now i feel more confident i'm increasing
the mental capacity
and
i just feel so much better every day
knowing that i've done that work
and it's not enough to do the work in
the past it's a continual process in the
present about you and the podcasting
game and all this stuff that's like come
to fruition in the last you know
whatever 10 11 years
is we've gotten to watch you evolve as a
human in real time and go through
breakups and like new relationships i'm
not as good as you just being married
for 20 years you know it's like i gotta
i gotta learn the hard way
so so did i so i have a few years on you
which may be the thing that speaks to
that but
talk to me about going from
you know the last two relationships
where i knew of you in the beginning and
actually really knew you it was um two
relationships that didn't end great yes
but you really like we're so intentional
about
the next person these are going to be
the things i mean going back to your
idea of vision like mapping out this is
what it's going to be right and
what have you learned about
relationships that have made this one
more successful
well the current relationship is no
longer really
and so i walked me through i've spoken
to you and i haven't talked about this
publicly but i'm sharing it with you for
the first time
um
that's why i'm you know just sitting
here like okay
do i want to share this right now i
should have i should have asked you
before is there anything off limits you
always ask that other people i'm
terrible i know but it's all good um
also speaking of this what i've learned
from the previous three relationships
all amazing women
all great people sweet human beings
with their own set of skills and i want
the best for them that's true which by
the way you were like that off camera as
well yes i always i always want the best
for them
um
and everything is 100 my responsibility
and my fault for
choosing relationships for staying in
relationships for all these
things and
the thing that i've learned
especially in this last relationship was
probably my greatest teacher of all
i loved this woman
cared deeply about this person
want the best for this person have
something super
we had an amazing
connection
and
what i have learned is love is not
enough
love is not enough
for
a long-term committed
healthy relationship to fully work facts
my my personal experience one human
being love is not enough and i think
we've been told our whole life love is
all you need
and it's just for me not true what else
do you need
values
vision
and lifestyle
personally from my experience you know a
wise
ancient philosopher once said
a relationship without trust
is like a relationship
without gas in a car
i've heard that somewhere
you can stay in the car but it'll go
nowhere right and that person was you
posting this this morning
and i really liked that i was like wow
and
the values
trust goes into with the values
and
if values don't line up like every
relationship i've ever had up until
this moment
has been a sexual attraction first a
sexual a chemistry a feeling yeah
that is like this feels good let's hang
out again this feels great let's hang
out again and then it's like a falling
into pattern of spending more time
great sexual connection
lots of shared interests fun
joy
passion
and then
but
never talking about the values of the
vision
and finding out later the hard way oh do
our values line up to our vision lineup
not making them wrong or me wrong we
just never really talked about those
things
and
that causes a lot more from my personal
experience pain and frustration and
let down and
unmet expectations that were never
communicated from both people and for
the relationship from my experience
and really just being like wow okay one
of all these lessons taught me and why
is it taking me this long to learn all
these things in each relationship i
learned something new that i'm like okay
i'm gonna take this in the next
relationship
but what this last the slash
relationship with an incredible woman
beautiful sweet kind caring human being
who gave who showed me what
more love than i've ever felt in my life
that we
yeah just the values weren't aligned not
that they were right or wrong just they
weren't aligned the shared vision of our
life as a relationship was not alliance
and certain lifestyle or cultural things
weren't aligned which caused more
friction
which the lifestyle stuff is is probably
like the least
important of those over the values in
the vision
um but i think that adds to
the
the flow of the relationship is having
like cultural or lifestyle or at least
being accepting of the other person's
lifestyle or culture
and so that's what i've learned values
vision and lifestyle and really not
leaning into the sexual connection with
the chemistry first with the values and
the vision first and delaying
sexual like how long
um
you know i believe i believe
time is a weird thing like i grew up i
grew up
with my father and the religion i was
raised in saying that time is infinite
you know i never celebrated my birthday
because my dad didn't want me to
put emphasis on my age and limit me from
accomplishing my dreams i think i'm too
young for something or too old for
something he always said time is
infinite there is no beginning there is
no end so don't emphasize
your age to limit you right expand it so
i think that you can create
uh
you can make a day feel like a year with
someone sometimes okay
i'm trying to get i want to know how
long how long should we be waiting to
have sex yes exactly
as long as you can wait
really
the more that i've learned uh-huh as
long as you can wait to figure out if
the values and vision are aligned it's
very interesting so now you asked me
this couple years ago i'd be like i
don't know like a few weeks you know
it's like a month here's you know so
there's something interesting here and i
want to get your take on this so
with my wife i was just trying to get
laid yes that's it hot chick here we go
let's go all good
yes 100
and
in
fairness quite frankly she was also just
looking she calls it a fling and it's
interesting that she uses that word
because she wanted the emotional like
flare-up of like this hot american guy
and like
that's her words by the way not mine and
you know i'm gonna have this story to
tell that's what it was all about for
her
and
so she was about to just have fun yeah
and so that's that was the initial
gravitational center that we went around
and so that gave us the time to get to
know each other and all of that now her
dad when i went to ask for his blessing
to marry his daughter he was like don't
do it you guys don't have shared values
did you have a share of values we did
and he he could only see cultural values
and from that perspective it was very
much night and day yes yes but lisa and
i so we do a show called relationship
theory together which is amazing people
need to subscribe and watch if you're
watching that is extraordinarily kind
and
one thing we talk about there is
collision of values is the most
dangerous thing between a couple not
having shared values eh
not realizing that you have a collision
of values because once you know what it
is you can negotiate but if you can't
say
this is what i think this is what you
think so steal man each other's argument
in the most generous way possible and
then it's like okay i really do
understand you i still think you're
crazy but i do understand you right so
now we know we have a collision of
values and so it's like what do you do
to navigate that so is your strategy now
just look for people where there's
enough alignment or do you think that
there's a way to negotiate around values
i'm in a
couple months
uh not in relationships giving you some
time so i'm uh but what i'm feeling in
this time
is that uh and the reason i said as long
as you can wait that that might be like
a couple weeks it might be a month it
might be two months it doesn't have to
be like you have to wait till you're
married or something so
uh you know especially if you're a
sexually different person
uh like we are you know it's it may not
be that fun to wait that long but i
always believe that delayed
gratification is the best
and that that chemistry will actually be
stronger but the more you wait the
longer you wait even if it's a few days
you know if you wait a little bit longer
it's like the anticipation
um
but it's really trying to listen to the
values you can even i i can ask
you know in the future i could be asking
directly or indirectly just to like see
okay what are their values and is this
a sexual chemistry connection i have
this person or is there also like some
shared values it's got to be some
and some shared vision
and can what is the vision like what
what kind of vision
the vision for the relationship the
vision for that like what is our life
going to look like in the future i'm a
big vision guy like roles or what are we
trying to do
what is our mission as a relationship a
shared shared vision when would you bust
that out because like early in the day
earlier you probably wouldn't do it
early
um
but i would just be asking indirect
questions like
you know
are you looking to have kids are you
interested what's your interest for the
future what's your what's your own
career path what's your own dream that
you have just like seeing where they
want to go okay could we share this
together as something in the future
i think once you got more intimate then
you could talk about like hey let's
create like a share let's write like a
mission statement for our relationship
or a shared vision statement and is it a
line is it even the same thing if not
then
what are we held by sexual chemistry
which i think is easy for a lot of
people to like lean the sexual chemistry
at least speak for myself that's been my
life
and it's been
not looking at everything else
and again not making them right or wrong
just like are we alliance and alignment
for me is everything moving forward
now that may make that mean that i'm
making mistakes and then you know have a
relationship that doesn't work out but
it's like am i coming from a place of
alignment and maybe just didn't work out
and we weren't the right fit but we were
at least in alignment so
yeah values vision
lifestyle is what i'm thinking about
right now
you know if you're in hookup and sex
mode and just like fling mode then cool
have sex like but know that might be
some consequences on untangling
emotionally with that person and like if
you're doing it with five people at the
same time you know what does that do for
you and is it really meaningful and
fulfilling and so it's
figuring out what you want as well yeah
100 do you want kids
it's funny i had this conversation maybe
a week ago someone asked me this
and i said you know i've all i've never
could see myself without kids but i've
never felt
peace
in the relationships i've been in
until i felt like i would be trapped if
i had kids with that person but then i
would stay in the relationship to try to
create peace and make it work
so
you know that was my defect
yeah interesting i think it might be
hard
what do you mean that i would always try
to make it work i would always try to
make something like make it work shape
shift change who i am to make them happy
i was a people pleaser
you know if they weren't happy with me
or they're angry with me okay what can i
do to change to make them happy and what
i've learned is you can't buy peace
you can't just change or do something
for someone to be happy like it might
work for a moment but it's not gonna be
sustainable
and um
and another thing i really look for is
is like how can i be a hundred percent
authentic who i am to who i am from the
beginning how can i be silly goofy weird
say stupid stuff like
i don't know just do things over the top
of who i am
not hide anything to be a hundred
percent honest about all my stuff from
the past all my shame all my doubts
everything
and if you are cool with that i'm down
to hang out again if you're not then
i'm not going to change who i am anymore
in the fact of
change to just make someone happy like
you've got to come from a place of like
authentic power who i am and accept me
i'm willing to grow and improve but i'm
not going to just do something to create
peace
so you either accept me where i'm at and
i accept you we're at and we create a
standard for we want to create together
and see if we can meet that shared
standard
otherwise like let's move on
dude i am really sad that you have to go
through any difficult time but your
ability to package things up for people
with like this is what i learned and
take responsibility be able to
articulate like what you're learning
play powerful man yeah well that's entry
is extremely
powerful go on what makes therapy so
powerful so
i wonder how much i should get into this
um
as much as i want to respect
my previous partner there so i want to
be uh intentional about what i say here
we were having some challenges in the
relationship um but also some great
moments so it was like it wasn't like it
was all bad was like great weeks and
then the challenging week and we weren't
able to resolve things to where we both
felt like okay let's improve upon this
and move forward
and it got to the point where
i was like i really feel like we need
therapy
like i love therapy it's great where we
have a mediator who can understand both
parties and help us come with a
resolution because we weren't able to
resolve things
there's a cultural
differences you know that that she had
that was like you know well this is how
we do it in my culture and so this is
what i expect and i'm like well okay but
it's not what i want to do and right
can we figure out somewhere in the
middle or whatever
i couldn't figure i said let's do
therapy
i think it'd be great we eventually get
to the point where we're either going to
break up or therapy
because there was some resistance in
therapy for many many months and i said
listen this is like we're not improving
we don't have the skills to do this on
our own so we either need to end it or
try something else because we've been
trying this for months it's not working
get into it and um
it's never about the other person
for me when you get to therapy it's
never about this is what this person is
doing it's always about
why is this triggering me and wire has
been the pattern my entire life this has
been a trigger and how can i show up
differently how can i heal this thing
that is triggering me the other person
just happens to be triggering me how can
i heal it how can i take responsibility
and that coming from a place of a healed
place now i can make a conscious
decision
do i want to stay in this relationship
or is this not part of my values and my
vision for the future
but i was never able to come from a
conscious place because there's always
some pain from the past
in every relationship it was a different
pain that i just hadn't healed
and therapy was really helpful for and
i'm continuing to do it so i can
integrate the lessons
and apply it in every area of my life
and just having a guide
to give you exercises give you
stuff where you sit across from each
other and really share things in a dyad
have you guys go to a sacred place and
write things out and talk about things
like just having someone facilitate and
say what did you learn and how can we
apply this to relationship
is powerful
a mediator you both can trust and
respect
and i think it's
something that if you're unable to
figure that i mean a lot of people that
can do it on their own in relationships
i have not been able to do that
so just like everything else i've ever
done if i want to become better at
something i find great coaches my boxing
coach my lifting trainer spanish teacher
you know coaches and sports i try to
find the best say
i'm a student i'm a humble student
i have a beginner's mind
let me learn
humble me i'll try something i'm gonna
fail okay i'll listen to you and i think
that approach for me has been a
superpower that i've never felt like i'm
smart enough or good enough or talented
enough or big enough to take coaching
from experts who could guide me to
improve
and i think you asked me the question
like what's the skill that's secret i
think that is also one of them the
ability to have a clear vision and see
the steps and the ability to have a
beginner's minds and find and surround
myself by great coaches
and be unapologetic and asking
for feedback
feedback has been a huge indicator of my
success
i will ask friends hey what do you think
is like the one thing that you notice
from afar do you think i could be doing
better what's the thing you think like
oh if if i didn't do that like
everything would improve what's the
thing where i'm lacking what's the thing
i ask everyone
give me feedback how do you deal with
the emotional sting though
i have learned
uh through the process
i wasn't good at feedback until eight
years ago
because i was living with a wound of
abuse of triggers of anger or
frustration
and i went through a workshop that
literally for days
had us
i kid you not hours and hours and days
had us sit there and take feedback from
everyone in the room about how we showed
up in that workshop
and
the mirror that we are for that person
and what we what it was just like as
exercises whether it was true or not you
just had to sit there and look strangers
in an eye where they tell you you look
this you're this you're this and just be
like huh and notice how it makes you
feel
and literally this exercise over and
over for days
got me to realize that just because
someone's giving you feedback doesn't
mean it's true about you
so don't take it personally and see
where is the truth in there and how can
you apply it
i was unable to take feedback until 80
years ago unable i couldn't do it i was
like don't tell me what to do don't try
to change me screw you i'm better than
you at this you don't know what you're
talking about it was like a very active
let me fight you're trying to tell me
where i'm wrong well here's where you're
wrong here's where you suck you need to
improve this it was a very aggressive
and now
i think it's everything's in practice
it's like okay
at first i didn't like it and now
oh i got this one little piece of
feedback and i started applying it and
look how it improved my life
so i can see the meaning of feedback and
the value of it
you know we get feedback every minute on
youtube or on instagram it's like we get
comments
on the daily you and i every minute
some things are really nice and some
things are really nasty yep
and i'm sure this video we're gonna see
lots of comments on youtube leave a
comment for your feedback i'd love to
see i interrupted the top tom
interrupted wait we're swearing like all
these things where to get this whole
time
and we just get to take it in okay is
this feedback that is useful for us and
can we improve
or do we just need to say thank you and
let it go
and that has been a practice that i
think is a skill now
that i feel like it's a superpower
because i am beneath
i'm not above anyone like i will take
feedback from any human being give me a
five-year-old kid give me some feedback
you're observing something about me i'll
listen you know kids will give it to you
raw real
you suck okay okay thank you you know
it's like so that's uh that's something
i try to do take the feedback so
interesting i mean i guess it goes back
to the you've got a vision for your life
yes you know you've got the athletics of
knowing that you can train and push
yourself unfortunately i came very late
to that lesson yep i know that i can
withstand pain
i know it because i've done it for so
long in sports i mean football camp is
like one of the greatest
humblers
just like three a days in the heat in
ohio is just like miserable it's just so
hard
and you just you just feel like you're
in a military boot camp or something
it's it's
so demanding mentally physically
emotionally people screaming at you
swearing at you slamming to the ground
the social pressure of all the other
kids laughing at you if you mess up
break you know spraining an ankle being
in pain it's just like all the
psychological stuff that happens there
you just have to and then be able to get
through it it's like
i can do anything you know you have this
feeling
that's why i'm a big fan of just sports
for kids in general is like the
confidence builder
going through daily pain learning how to
find great coaches
you know the greatest athletes that
you've interviewed they had great
coaches how do you find good coaches
what's the old saying
when the student is ready the teacher
will appear exactly and i think i've all
like when i
i never thought about doing boxing until
january
this year and it's because
like i was having a couple weeks in my
relationship where we weren't speaking
we were taking some space
and i was like and i i was almost 250
pounds i'm now 230 pounds whoa
and um i was just like man i feel and
i'd been running for the whole year for
kobe because the gyms were closed and
that's just like i just feel like i need
something different i need a challenge i
need to push myself physically in a way
that i've never done it with a new skill
i need to be like competing i need to do
something than just running i was
getting bored
and
that moment with like having some space
in the relationship and just being like
i have no idea where this is going to go
the uncertainty of the future i was just
like i need to put myself through pain
in a
controlled safe way
and i need to find
the coach that'll scare me
and i remember seeing
i'd met tony
eight years previously and heard that
he's like this olympic medalist and
former pros undefeated
and i kept seeing his stuff pop up on
instagram and i just messed him and said
hey can i come to a private class with
you
and one lesson's been i don't know six
months twice a week and
and uh he was there i was ready and he
appeared
you know i needed a therapist
i was ready she appeared
i needed a lifting coach i was ready and
literally i was thinking about it and
having a conversation and he messaged me
that day and i was like oh yeah this is
the guy i need it's just i feel like
when you're ready things will open up
and you've got to be seeking coaches
like you got to say who knows someone
who like put it out there by doing that
you'll find the right person
it's really interesting what makes for a
good do you have great coaches i feel
like you've always been like this lone
wolf like you don't have someone that
you pay to coach you do you
in sport and fitness
therapy
relationships spiritually business like
you've always been like i'm going to
figure this out myself and just master
like everything interesting so yes and
no so i have learned everything the hard
way yes so i don't think of myself as
like some savant that can just figure
things out but because i take so well to
books and youtube like i just went on a
tweet storm yesterday or the day before
i was just freaked out i was learning
something on youtube and i'm like
this stuff you can find on youtube is
crazy it's free
it is the best of the best of the best
like giving you their best information
for free i was just like this is crazy
and you just have to put in the time and
the energy so
i would 1 000
pursue coaches if
i felt like i wasn't getting results
from the things that i was learning from
books and stuff it's like for each
person there's like a different lane
where you can really learn and for me
for whatever reason like honestly i
spend way more time on youtube so call
it youtube stroke podcast to me it's the
same learning yes
with somebody talking i can take to that
really quick you can apply it yeah 100
and i force myself to apply it so if i
learn something today i'm going to use
it today so i'm not the one thing
that
could be an opportunity please
maybe coaching wouldn't be the best
thing for you like now that i know this
maybe it wouldn't accelerate your
learning or your success
because you apply it so fast and you
find the right information you see and
you're like i'm gonna go apply this and
you take action you're you're
unapologetic and your ability to apply
what you've learned to get results
whether you fail you figure it out and
all that stuff
there's one thing that coaches will
always give me that i can't
i can't get from watching a video or
learning or listening or reading a book
can you guess what that one thing is one
word
criticism blind spots
and you might be able to see your blind
spots
your wife might be able to see your
blind spots but there's something when a
master
is working with you
that
maybe you are maybe you are even aware
of it but there's going to be something
that you're not aware of or maybe i
think that's powerful applying it as
fast as you should be
and every time i work with tony uh my
boxing trainer i say tony like what's
the thing i need to work on for next
time that you saw today
maybe i was aware of it and i'm he's
confirming something i'm aware of but
it's usually not because i'm so in focus
in the zone and practicing when i'm
practicing that i'm not thinking about
like you know what your back foot was
never turned when you came through
on on that punch or your hips were
slightly this way it's like always the
little details and i'm like okay i'm
gonna store that and apply that next
time and the stacking of those blind
spots and just those little details over
time
he's like dude i don't know how you're
improving so fast
over six months i was watching video of
me six months ago to now and it's like a
completely different person it's because
i'm consistent it's because i'm taking
feedback
it's because i have a great coach and
he's telling me my blind spots are
and i'm applying it you know if i was
just watching videos i may not know that
i'm doing those things
personally so that's my one
one thought for you it might be might be
a cool experiment for you to find some
master to work with
i've had coaches so i've done like i've
taken guitar lessons i took greek
lessons there was something else as you
were saying it that i thought of yes so
i think it's it's um unarguable that
that is all true that i would get
feedback i would see
more quickly things that i might not
otherwise
so and i don't even have like i don't
have pushback against the coach in fact
when you were when i was
researching you again it's not that i
don't know you but obviously i always do
before an interview and had heard you
were taking spanish lessons i thought
damn it i really cause i took greek
lessons for a while and it was really
hardcore about it and i got thrown off
by um
that people are working on little
translator devices that would just go in
your ear so i was like god if that's
really going to be a thing like do i can
i put this energy because we didn't have
kids when i thought we were gonna have
kids i was like i need to be fluent
right in greek
um but now at this point but now that
the translator devices are taking a lot
longer than anybody would have expected
and i really enjoy it and for that i
would definitely get a coach yes here's
the thing i've learned about for 20
years
i've wanted to learn spanish it's been
like something one of these things
that's been like polar mate right
and every year at the end of the year i
analyze like or assess the year and say
what am i proud of and what's the thing
that i didn't do that i wanted to do the
last 20 years has been spanish
and i'm always like well they can get a
translator you can do this and now it's
like the apps and you take a photo and
it translates it for all this stuff
but i'm like yeah but it doesn't mean
i'm i'm not proud of myself
and i'm not building a new skill for
myself like i'm taking the easy way out
not just bad or wrong but i know
and this thing still is pulling me to
like learn this thing
and that's why last year i was just like
you know what i need to find a coach
that i can pay in advance that i show up
for i scheduled in my calendar for the
next six months next year and this
becomes part of my daily practice you do
it in person or over zoom zoom yeah i
mean i started doing the pandemic and
she was in peru but you know i think in
person is always the best there is a
name for a certain type of learning that
somebody will drop into the youtube
comments i forget what it's called but
it's where they do stuff like
so this should all be in spanish
remember louis to smile and to shake
hands and and they do the thing and
there's like there there is a name for
that type of language kind of aesthetic
yeah something like that i cannot find
anybody that does it in greek there for
a while i was going really hard because
i was like oh my god if i could find
something cause the the guy does an
example in german and i was like i speak
exactly zero words of german and you
feel like you understand him when he's
talking because he's moving so much and
when he says pencil he holds up a pencil
and wow all the stuff and i was like oh
my god this is so weird you realize how
much of the communication is the the
tactile stuff the way that we move our
hands and look at each other i thought
oh man i would kill right about now for
that but i can't find somebody in greek
someone needs to put it in the comments
below but for me it's like
this might take five or ten years for me
to be fluent it's gonna be probably one
of like
the longest things i've wanted to learn
like it's been 20 years and i every year
i try to like do a lesson and i get the
apps and i download the book and all
these things and it just and i stop
because it gets really hard and other
things become more important or there's
whatever business it's like your health
relationship
and i was like if i die in 20 years and
i'm not fluent in spanish would i be
proud of myself
and i was just like no so i'm like what
am i doing i love that intro of this i
won't be proud of myself so talk to me
because i i feel in our industry
whatever that is there is this notion of
just tell yourself that you love
yourself and you'll love yourself and i
think you actually have to do things to
earn your respect 100
you got to do things every day i mean
you got to do hard things every day to
earn your respect i can't just show up
on a couch and do nothing and be like
happy with myself i got to contribute to
society in some way i'm going to
contribute to family friends that's what
makes it meaningful
and
you're never inspired by the person who
said oh he sat on this couch all day and
did nothing but he lived a comfortable
life so we should respect that for me
okay
it's respectable you're alive you're
existed
but what did you contribute how did you
multiply your talents to serve something
something greater than you or someone
greater than you or something
and so for me i don't want i want to be
proud of myself i want to be proud of
the things i say
and following through on those things
and being integral with myself i want to
be proud of the work that i create the
creativity i express
how i treat and take care of my body how
i take care and treat other people i
want to be proud of those things at the
end of the day
because i don't know that's just what's
like meaningful to me it's fulfilling
and i know spanish learning spanish
will not only make me proud just to have
this skill but i'll be able to relate to
500 million more people so say
especially in la man and i'm like
what could i do how many more people
could i help by having that skill
one i'll be proud of myself but also
better contribute to more people and
i'll be able to understand more people i
won't need a translator i won't need an
app i'll be able to just instantly
understand and relate better not
perfectly but better
and i feel like man i'll be so proud of
myself to just be able to have a
conversation with someone understand
them and then be able to help them in
some way
that would be worth it for me
like the years of practice and work and
effort just to know i was able to
develop a skill that was hard that took
me 20 years to get started and finally
commit
i could die like a happy person knowing
if i did that with every part of my life
i love that yeah
i want to end with asking you again your
question i think i've asked every time
that we've been together what is your
definition of greatness
i feel like i got to get it more
succinct every time i love that you
think through it yeah um
it's discovering your unique talents and
gifts
to pursue your dreams and in that
pursuit making the maximum impact
on the people around you
that's greatness that's pretty dope
my man louis appreciate you so much for
being here it was wonderful
guys i have to assume at this point that
you are already following lewis and
everything that he does but if you're
not please do the man has written
multiple best-selling books he's got an
incredible podcast youtube channel
instagram
all of the above it's absolutely amazing
he is a wonderful human being on and off
camera i can attest that behind the
scenes he is actually living the way
that he presents himself which is
wonderful
uh yeah you won't regret any time that
you spend with him and speaking of
things he won't regret if you haven't
already be sure to subscribe and until
next time my friends be legendary take
care
whether we go after big dreams or do
nothing we're going to be judged
either way if we sit on a couch all day
our parents and our friends are going to
be you're lazy do something with your
life if we go chase after the most
audacious dreams we have
a lot of people are gonna attack us and
try to bring us down
so we might as well go do something with
our lives
and say thank you for the feedback and
move on