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Language: en
how do you make it stick your biggest
enemy is you
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[Music]
hey everybody welcome to another episode
of impact theory today
we are going to be talking all about
self
soothing now this is something that i
discovered early in my business career
was the thing that separated me from a
lot of other people was
it wasn't that i didn't get upset about
things or that i didn't get
hurt or you know have something ding my
self-esteem
it was that all of those insults would
happen i would have my reaction but i
would be able to very quickly
soothe myself get my head back in the
game
and in the beginning it was
you know before i really started working
on it it might have been three days
or longer where something would upset me
and i would stay upset i would think
badly about myself
and i would really spiral out of control
and lose a lot
of time to being in that negative space
and over time i realized this is not
effective
like if i'm trying to accomplish a goal
and i spend
three days worrying about some comment
that somebody made or some
mistake that i made or if i embarrassed
myself i just thought i'm
never going to get where i want to go
once i factor in how much time
i spend being traumatized by something
so
i want to get this window as narrow as i
can and now my goal
it's not always what i achieve but my
goal is to get the amount of time that i
spend emotionally derailing on something
because something upset me
to get that so quick that i spent so
little time in that suffering that
people don't even see it register on my
face
so i went from three days to a day to a
few hours to an hour
to a couple minutes down to when i'm at
my best
it not even registering on my face and
when you can dial yourself in like that
then the world is your oyster everything
begins to open up
because you're able to very quickly
recenter yourself get refocused on what
your goal is
and then at the end of the day taking
action that
actually moves you towards that goal in
a meaningful and expedient way
that's what we're after that's how you
really make extraordinary things happen
in your life but so
many people are either looking outward
trying to
stop people from hurting them offending
them upsetting them
making sure that they never take risks
so that they can't fail so that they're
not embarrassed
that's their mo for dealing with those
emotional insults instead of saying hey
i'm going to point only two thumbs of
myself
and i'm going to figure out what i can
do to not be a slave to my emotions
to not let things upset me and that
sense of emotional resilience
and not to weaken the effect of this
you want to get to the point where
nothing knocks you off course where you
were just completely centered now of
course
i'm not there i don't know many people
who are but the closer you can get to
that ideal the more effective you're
going to be in your life
all right question number one
what is your self-talk when you have a
substantial and bitter
failure like not meeting an important
deadline for your goals and realizing
you're actually far behind
all right this is one of those
separating factors when people realize
that
whenever you do anything other than
take on that responsibility yourself you
are
either permanently delaying the
realization or
temporarily delaying that
such that you're unable to make progress
the goal of taking on the responsibility
is not so that you feel badly about
yourself it's not so that you wallow
in that bitter defeat or embarrassment
or whatever
it is so you recognize the truth of the
following statement
i'm not good at this yet or i have not
succeeded at this yet or
i made this mistake but i'm never going
to repeat it it's the sense of
the how temporary
that failure is how temporary that
embarrassment is
and there is a phenomenal phrase that i
use
all the time that i invite you guys to
make yourself talk
which is a buddhist phrase this too
shall pass this too
shall pass that's the good and the bad
it's one of the most transformational
ideas
that i've ever come across
nothing good will last nothing bad will
last
and therefore focusing on
what you can do to relish the moment
what you can do to take joy in the
pursuit of progress
what you can do to take joy in any
moment just
having that moment that you're alive
that there's air in your lungs that
you're able to pursue that you have
these goals like all of it is so
improbable just being alive being a
human
like when i think about man the number
of people that died tragic deaths when
they're young
and the fact that i've made it to 45 is
crazy and so i want to relish that so
in this being in this defeat in this
loss i'm only looking for the
opportunity what can i learn what can i
do from this
and all of it will pass however bad this
feels it will pass it is a neurochemical
state it is
transient by nature and the only way to
hold on to it is to rehearse it to go
over it again and again and again
and that's the only way to make that
stick now why
on earth my friends would you want
something negative
to stick so why would you rehearse it
why would you go over it and overwritten
over it so in the worst
moments of my life the moments of
deepest shame
regret failure fear anxiety
i'm saying to myself this is going to
pass
i will not feel this way forever and
knowing that i'm not going to feel that
way forever
allows me to begin the process of not
feeling like that
it is the first step on the journey of
feeling better now
when you get good at that you can reduce
the amount of time that you stay there
to next to nothing but it starts with
recognizing
that there is an impermanence to pain
and it's critical to focus on that
and then the last thing i remind myself
is i can always get better
i will learn from this and move on
all right next sometimes i worry if i
self-soothe
i might overstep and become too
complacent with my mistakes and don't
actually learn from them for numbing
that pain or discomfort that could lead
me to grow
how do you self-soothe without
comforting yourself to the point of
losing your drive
what a brilliant question this is so
smart all right this is what i call the
advanced class
we are now in the advanced class this is
some nuance [ __ ] you've got to be able
to hold
two competing ideas in your head all
right so critical life lesson number one
was realizing this too shall pass and
that
there is joy in that impermanence then
critical lesson
number two is that i'm holding two
competing ideas in my head and that is
critically important
important idea number one it's good to
feel the pain
i need that because that's going to give
me the motivation
that i need as you so aptly point out to
actually do
something about it okay part of the
reason
that mistakes failure
is the most information data stream you
will ever encounter
is because when you fail
you feel pain and pain triggers areas of
the brain
around memory and focus so now i'm
really looking at this thing and i'm
committing it to memory
now as long as i'm not pointing all my
fingers at other people all these people
this
the world society whatever culture
is victimizing me okay if i don't do
that
and instead two thumbs pointed right
back at this guy
then i'm reminded oh yeah i'm in control
i could do something different get a
different result
so i want that sting i want to know i
tried something and it didn't work
because i want to trigger
focus and memory and i want to look at
what i could do
differently next time to get a better
result because i know while other people
are laughing at me
i'm laughing back at them because on a
long enough timeline
i can be anyone at anything because i
can self-soothe i don't need it to be
somebody else's problem
i don't need to point fingers at other
people i don't need to blame
the culture i don't need to blame
society i don't need to blame
anybody other than myself and even that
word doesn't have power over me it
doesn't make me feel badly about myself
yes
i am the cause of this problem inasmuch
as had i done something different
i would have gotten a different result
now that makes me feel empowered so now
i'm in this powerful loop of taking
on the responsibility saying i can do
something different
i can change this i can get a better
result but i
wanted that sting of like really staring
at my inadequacies
really looking at and analyzing my
failure
and then i know the competing ideas
right
this hurts with next time i'm going to
be better
and i'm not going to sit in that pain
for very long because i understand while
i need a brief moment of pain
if i spend too much time there i'm going
to get lost in the pain and i'm not
going to do what i need to do
which is improve so i never allow myself
to wallow
in that suffering i want it but i want
it briefly
just enough to trigger the action now
how do i make sure that i walk that fine
line
by one very simple thing a rule in my
life
that says i only do and believe
that which moves me towards my goals so
if believing that i need to beat myself
up and suffer and realize that i'm a
loser if that was going to move me
towards my goal which is fulfillment at
the highest level
of course there were times where you're
going to slice that up and it's going to
be what are the exact things that i need
to do to reach fulfillment
but as an over level goal i'm trying to
reach fulfillment i'm trying to live a
joyful
life okay that's the point of
fulfillment
if it were going to bring me joy to sit
and wallow and what a loser [ __ ] i am
then i would do it
but the reality is that it doesn't it
works just enough to get me moving
but once i'm moving now i need to remind
myself of all the potential that i have
that that's a step in the journey of
improvement that improvement
is a foundational pillar of human
happiness that i need to be making
progress
in order for me to attain fulfillment
that to get fulfillment i've got to
build a set of skills
really hard that there is a subconscious
process
in my brain rewarding me for doing hard
things so here i am
i'm doing one of those hard things
getting over that problem so i don't
stay there i don't allow myself
to stay in the negativity and the pain
and the suffering but i do leverage it
to get myself moving
now if you're going to err on either
side err on the side of over soothing
yourself
because let me tell you all the
achievement in the world is going to be
absolutely [ __ ] meaningless if you
had to beat yourself into emotional
oblivion to get yourself to take action
so remember the point of all of this is
a joyful life when you hear me talking
about how hard i work
that i focus on my inadequacies all of
that i do it in a way that elevates
me that makes me feel better about
myself that brings more joy to my life
because i never
feel trapped by who i am today
i feel completely liberated by the fact
that i can become
someone better tomorrow by putting in
the work
today so it's just that little bit
of suffering to get yourself moving a
little bit of focusing on the pain
that you [ __ ] up that you could do
better that you expect better
but then it's on to focusing on progress
putting in the work and being proud of
yourself for doing that
i love that question next
for some of us new to self-soothing what
is the core
definition and what effect is it
supposed to have on us
what is happening in our body okay
the actual neurochemistry of what's
happening in your body i don't know well
enough
to put it back to reiterate it
but i will say this for sure you have an
element of serotonin
in terms of how you feel about yourself
so
you want to be re-anchoring yourself
around
a very anti-fragile idea shout out to
nasim taleb
so fragile ideas
of pride would be something like being
smart
being right being worthy being good
being intelligent anything where you can
encounter somebody that's
more than you they are more worthy they
are better
or just even if it's yourself that you
fail on something you're like oh my god
like i could have done that so much
better right so it could be you versus
you it could be you versus somebody else
but when you value yourself for being
right for instance
the number of times you're going to be
wrong is way too
frequent to be a sustainable way to draw
your self-esteem but you must have
self-esteem from something
so if you use something that's
anti-fragile and you say okay i'm taking
an anti-fragile approach to this so i
see myself as the learner
so the very thing that i value myself
for
is my willingness to face my
inadequacies and get better
the very thing that makes me feel good
about myself is not being right
it's not avoiding mistakes it is not
being perfect
it is in the face of the fact that i
will make mistakes and that i am not
perfect that i keep
going i learn i grow i try again i don't
allow other people to stop me i don't
allow myself to stop me
i don't allow my failures to define me
okay now we've got this
anti-fragile framework now as we
think of ourselves like that we're
getting that serotonin boost okay we're
feeling better about ourselves we have a
a better vision of what the future can
be the future can be better okay
so now we just have a more joyful
frame of reference okay it's positive
it's optimistic and i can't emphasize
optimism enough the absolute need
that you have to be optimistic about
your future it is
[ __ ] critical and let me tell you
even if nothing in your life
has ever given you reason to be
optimistic i'm telling you starting
right now
you must be optimistic now we can hear
you asking why tom
why do i need to be optimistic if
everything in my life has been a kick in
the face because
if you were wise you were adopting my
rule
to not allow yourself to do or believe
anything that holds you back or moves
you away from your goals
now i'll say about yourself is probably
not going to do or believe anything
about yourself
that's going to stop you from achieving
your goals because you don't want to be
disconnected from reality that's a whole
another video but for right now
you're not going to allow yourself to
have a negative vision of your future or
a negative vision of who you are at some
fundamental level
you have the ability to change now once
you have that's a very expansive emotion
okay now serotonin i will
tell you to go listen to neuroscientists
on that jordan peterson has an amazing
breakdown
there's somehow controversy around this
whole thing about lobsters but it gives
you an idea
that when you win at something when you
move up that competence hierarchy you
get this
lift in serotonin which makes you feel
better about yourself and your station
in life now
if we know that serotonin is tied to our
station in life how you view your
station in life becomes as important as
the objective reality about your station
in life
so you want to make sure you're not
adding fuel to the fire if you are over
here [ __ ] up all the time routinely
routinely routinely
and you're getting these shots in the
face you don't want to make it
worse by saying all right because i've
messed up historically i'm always going
to mess up i am a [ __ ] up and therefore
nothing good is ever going to happen to
me
okay now you're just 10xing the
suffering there you want to take an
expansive view
i can get better anti-fragile sense of
self-esteem around being the learner
around improving and getting better yes
it may take time yes it may take you
more time than it takes other people
fine
then you get a double helping of
serotonin for being the kind of person
that sticks with it even though it's
harder for
you that's the only logical way to
approach it
because it creates that expansive nature
okay so that's number one number two
is dopamine so when you are
going after a goal when you are trying
to
recontextualize yourself take that
learner approach now because dopamine is
actually about anticipation
okay it isn't the reward itself your
dopamine levels are at their highest
when you're moving towards something
when you think you're about to win
that's when dopamine really spikes so if
dopamine is the anticipatory
reward that keeps you moving and going
after things that excite you
getting this more expansive version of
yourself
of your future possibilities then not
only elevates your serotonin but it gets
you excited from a dopamine perspective
and now it's like oh man i'm
anticipating getting better and i'm
feeling better about myself
so this is why we want to self-soothe
that's probably
pretty close to the neurochemistry of
what's happening that's certainly a
great description of how you're going to
feel
right expansive feeling better about
yourself optimistic about your future
you're getting the dopamine hits of the
excitement of moving towards something
anticipating a future reward
that is why you want to self-soothe i
hope you guys are enjoying this episode
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[Music]
i often see self-soothing thought of in
a reactive sense i.e stress happens
then you self-soothe are there any
methods you use to proactively
self-soothe
when you know a stressful event may be
approaching yes
so here we go proactive self-soothing is
really all about the management of your
biology
okay so i wish this wasn't so because i
find it so tedious and so
boring but the reality is that the vast
majority of your neurochemistry has to
do with
if you've been listening to me for a
while you know what i'm about to say
your diet your diet
what you eat what you drink what you
take in all of it matters
so much i'll even say lifestyle might be
a better answer so your diet is a huge
portion of it but your exercise routine
is also critical so if you know you have
something stressful coming up
i'm going to recommend get your diet on
point
beyond the scope of this video to go
into that but i'll say really quickly
whole foods
just eat whole foods things that look
like it looked when it was walking
around
or like it looked when it was in the
ground okay
if you stick as close to that as humanly
possible you're going to be headed in
the right direction
then the next part is getting your
exercise right
so actually working out pushing yourself
and then
even more important than the exercise is
meditation
so you're you can actually change the
structures of your
brain by meditating
let that land you can change
the s the physical structure of your
brain
by meditating
you become more emotionally resilient
you become more able to focus on a task
over long periods of time
a lot of really fascinating things
happen when you meditate
so if i were trying to preemptively self
soothe
that's exactly what i would do diet
exercise and sleep
that's a critical part and then
meditation
word and then get your rules in place
get your beliefs in place
if you haven't read my 25 beliefs that
everybody should adopt if you want to be
successful and be able to rapidly
self-suit
you can download that for free at
impacttheory.com or you can just type
into google
tom bilyu belief system it will pop up
all right how do you maintain a healthy
balance between
self-soothing and turning to others for
support or upliftment
so as not to become emotionally isolated
all right healthy relationships are a
critical
part of the human experience
if you truly want to live a joyful life
you need to make sure
that you have close loving relationships
if you don't currently have close loving
relationships
do not pass go do not collect 200
immediately address that in your life
if you need to start somewhere and you
have no idea where to start
man go to a soup kitchen do whatever but
get out with other people start
connecting to people
do something some kind of way join a
join a facebook group
join a club virtual or in person
whatever weird
interest you have i promise there are
other people out there that have that
same interest
this was so 10 years ago maybe more 15
years ago when i learned about furries
which i still i'm surprised is the thing
but it is a thing and the fact that even
pre-internet there were entire groups of
people
that would meet up and this is their
thing i thought okay if there's people
that are into that no shade man if
that's your thing that's your thing
but if there is a convention's worth of
people that are into that
then there is a group of people for
every interest no matter how
niche so find your people connect
that is hugely important and then
don't look for other people to carry you
but having people in your life that
support you
that and this is the easiest way to
explain this from my wife
i say i'm not looking for sympathy
okay i don't want you to feel bad for me
empathy
that would be amazing i want you to
understand what i'm going through
now here's how it plays out
i said to her in the beginning if ever
i'm knocked to my knees
i don't want you to get on your knees
with me put an arm around me
cry with me and tell me everything is
going to be okay it's not what i'm
looking for
and even worse i don't want to do all
that and then tell me yeah all of this
sucks and it [ __ ] and life you know
life's a [ __ ] sandwich and every day is
another bite people used to say that all
the time
when i was a kid that was like the
[ __ ] tacoma
motto drove me crazy
what i want my beloved wife
when i'm knocked to my knees which will
happen
i'm going to extend a hand i want you to
show that you understand what i'm going
through but i want you to pull
me back up help brush me off
and remind me of what i'm capable of so
that i can
soothe myself refocus
remember that i'm the learner and
get me pointed back in the right
direction
that to me is the difference between
empathy and sympathy
don't cry for me help me get back in the
fight
so surround yourself with people that
are like that
don't look for them to carry you having
people that remind you of what you're
capable of
having people remind you of what you're
capable of becoming
that's rad that's dope [ __ ] surround me
with people like that
and i'm about it but i don't just want
somebody to
cry with me it's not going to take me
where i want to go
next how do you soothe
when you know you have a very long and
hard routine of work ahead of you for
days on
end and the dread creeps into your mind
all right [ __ ]
let me tell you right now life
is about having reservoirs of strength
now you have to earn that with yourself
and it is going to start incredibly
small
but at the end of the day let me give
you a notion that is going to serve you
well
my friends attack the [ __ ] hill
attack the hill attack the hill attack
the hill don't fear the hill don't whine
about the hill
don't go into the hill like oh god this
is really going to suck
come on [ __ ] let's get after
this [ __ ] this is why one of the things
that i look for if you want to work at
impact theory let me tell you right now
every single person at impact theory
better be a hardcore [ __ ]
hcmf i am only looking for hcmf
if you are not hardcore if you are not
prepared to push through something i
don't want to be around that
i want to be around people that attack
the hill i want to be around people that
are like yo
this is my chance now let me assure you
that's a defense mechanism for how much
it sucks sometimes
to go through that [ __ ] i don't seek it
out i don't want that stuff in my life
but when it comes i'm gonna david
goggins that [ __ ]
i'm not here to [ __ ] around like you've
got to want that you've
got to be prepared to find some switch
in your mind that you can flip that even
though 10 seconds ago you didn't want it
now that it's coming what does jocko say
good
this is going to be hard good good
you've got to find
a way to channel that to attack that to
suddenly
get that level of aggression in your
soul and man look at the chills
this is one of those things my life has
been a series of figuring out how to
toughen up okay that was not me in high
school i was not tough in any way shape
or form
and getting into business i realized was
constantly getting kicked in the face
and i had two choices get the [ __ ] out
of business or
learn to toughen up now the gym as much
as i hate it
gave me a lot of that pushing through
those extra sets when it burns
to dig deep within yourself to realize
you can push and now even thinking back
going back earlier than that i was
almost 200 pounds
at the age of 15. in fact
i was 200 i was 198.
i ran cross country my thighs
would rub together so much during a race
that they would bleed
i would have bloody thighs at the end of
a cross-country race
for the first three years well i guess
i'll i'll give you the full story
you're number one of cross country my
sister's friend was on the team
and she was three years older than me
and i had a crush on her
and i was six foot almost at that point
200 pounds and
built like a football player but i hated
football because it hurt
and she said oh you should run cross
country and i was like
yes i should because i want to be around
you
and so i did cross-country my first year
she graduated i was like this sucks i
was the slowest person in the league
not my high school in the league i was
the slowest we did a league match
i came in dead [ __ ] last so i was
quite
literally the slowest person in the
league she leaves i'm like i'm the [ __ ]
out
peace and then people on the team were
like no no man
you're super inspirational you should
stay because i would go
to the end of the race and i would cheer
people on
and i was like oh man it's somebody
giving me positive feedback all right
[ __ ] it i'll i'll run again
so i end up running all four years but
the first three years
inside i'm doing it just to be liked i'm
doing it because people are telling me
that i'm inspirational
and the fact that i've got the bloody
thighs and i keep doing it
and even though i'm the slowest person
in the league blah blah blah like i show
up
so all right cool and then finally my
senior year i was like
i want to see if i can get better and
this is
i don't remember the exact sort of
beginning the first brick that i lay of
mindset but this was
this would be one of the early ones and
i decided okay i'm going to try to get
better
and now instead of thinking that i was
cool for just showing up
i was like let me push myself
and realizing that and this is where the
phrase attack the hill comes from my
cross-country coach when you're coming
up on a hill
and it already hurts and your lungs are
burning and your thighs are bleeding
hill's not an exciting part of the race
but there's something about channeling
aggression
of having that gear
of not only feeling
nice pleasant courteous
but being like [ __ ] this hill i'm going
after this hill and even though it's an
inanimate object
i'm going to beat it up and so you would
run
faster up the hill and you would just
feel that sense of like
anger and attack mode
and just that aggressive impulse
and so often people push back on that
and that's one thing in my personality
that people don't like
and i'm always sad when people
rule that out as a a tool
that nature has given you
jordan peterson gave me a really
interesting idea
and i don't know if he's right about the
language interpretation of the word meek
but in the bible and i am not religious
but in the bible they say the meek
shall inherit the earth it always rub me
the wrong way it's like why the [ __ ]
would weak people inherit the earth and
peterson's interpretation is that the
ancient
word that we have translated as meek
actually carried the connotations
of being a hardcore [ __ ]
but keeping your sword sheathed
so you know you can fight you know you
can attack
but you don't but if you've ever noticed
that people that are
truly skilled fighters they just kind of
move through the world differently
because they know they could fight if
they needed to
so there isn't that anxiety of will this
become a fight
there is a confidence that they could
step into that moment
we can all have that psychologically
you're going to have it physically if
you're willing to train to fight but you
can still have it psychologically
and that is to realize that
you have to be willing to charge at
something in your life you have to be
willing to face
fear pain failure embarrassment
and when you're prepared to
endure suffering
that all of a sudden the the question
mark
of what you will do in that face of
suffering goes away
and when the question mark around
suffering goes away and you know
i will endure this i will do whatever
it takes within my code of ethics but
within my code of ethics i'll do
whatever it takes to achieve my goals i
will endure any amount of suffering to
grow and to get better
to uplift myself and other people
when you know that about yourself and it
started small and you earned a little
more credibility and a little more and a
little more and you show up and you
attack another hill and another hill and
another hill
when you know that about yourself then
you begin to understand
that aggression is powerful you just
don't want to wield it all the time
for the most part you want to leave your
sword
sheathed but to know that you have a
sword and that you know how to use it
is unbelievably liberating
so when the dread creeps into my mind
that i'm about to do something hard
i remind myself that i'm a hardcore
[ __ ]
and i will endure whatever i must
in order to achieve my goals and i've
proven it to myself
time and time and time
again and in the beginning when i didn't
believe in myself
and i had not yet earned it i believe
that i could
earn it start small
get strong and over time you will be
startled
at how strong mentally physically
emotionally
you can become
and that my friends is the perfect note
to end this on
because i'm telling you you can become
extraordinary
it will take time it will take
persistence will take growth
will take getting stronger but it is
possible
it is possible to believe in yourself
to fail and know one thing above all
else
i'll learn from this and when you learn
from it and you grow
and you get better you'll realize on a
long enough timeline
i can beat anyone at anything
and even if that's a lie it's an
empowering lie
and i'm gonna do and believe that which
moves me towards my goals
and let me tell you even if you can't
beat anyone
the reality is most people give up and
as long as you don't give up
and you keep stacking that wisdom and
those victories
and that emotional resilience
all of a sudden the hills that used to
seem
insurmountable become
very easy to attack
and all of that is what's running
through my head
when i need to self-soothe
and it will be there for you if you put
in the work
alright everybody that's it speaking of
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legendary take care
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