Kind: captions
Language: en
we'll never really know who we would
have been if we had made like one
different decision you know way back
there in our childhood but because of
the way the brain develops we are more
emotionally susceptible to the
experiences that we have early on in
life than we are later in life everybody
welcome to impact here you were here my
friends because you believe the human
potential is nearly limitless but you
know that having potential is not the
same as actually doing something with it
so our goal with this show and company
is to introduce you to the people and
ideas that will help you actually
execute on your dreams all right today's
guest is a professional dancer and
molecular neuroscientist with a PhD from
Caltech that is hell-bent to destroy the
long-standing stereotypes about the
frumpy and pathologically unhip
scientist she gave an amazing TEDx talk
that covered state-of-the-art
neuroscience and brain imaging all while
dressed in some eye-catching neon green
high heels and her fresh style and voice
help the video gained nearly 100,000
views and make it very clear that she's
not your mother scientists as effortless
in front of crowds and cameras as she is
in the lab she's painting a new reality
for people that shows that stem is for
anyone willing to dive headlong into the
unknown and start figuring things out
and to that end she earned her doctorate
by modifying mice brains to glow and
then shot lasers at them and took
pictures to see the effect that smoking
has in the brain and that's just what
she did to graduate since then she's
brought together the worlds of science
and creativity entering herself into the
pantheon of globally recognized science
communicators who can bring the often
impossible to understand worlds of
things like quantum computing and neuro
chemistry within reach of the masses her
ability to combine the usually sterile
world of research with the mass appeal
of pop culture has made her the go-to
host
stroke journalist for countless
scientific shows across virtually every
medium including the wildly popular
techno which airs on al Jazeera English
in virtually every english-speaking
country in the world
YouTube's lab fail and Discovery
Channel's dnews among several others
so please help me in welcoming the woman
who considers it her personal mission to
redefine who and what we think of as a
scientist the researcher actress host
and of course choreographer for all of
Cal Tech's musical productions the
doctor with the best shoes in the game
dr. crystal Dilworth I'm so excited
I'll try and live very true as you well
know I'm very excited to have you here
today and one I'll quickly ask I want to
start going down this rabbit hole but
how much of the the science of the
multi-dimensional stuff do you buy into
Oh
so you're asking me about multiverse
theory yes I know is one of the first
ones this is this is a dangerous rabbit
hole to dance around but just quickly
while we're here well I think as a
neuroscientist I can't answer as a
physicist but as a neuroscientist the
idea that there are other options I'm a
penguin in another universe that's sort
of like the example is very comforting
really why comforting you know it makes
it so that every decision that I make as
I said is accounted for so if I chose
yes in this reality then maybe I chose
no and that timeline got a chance to
play out so you know I never feel like
I'm missing out on anything that's
interesting even though you don't get to
experience that timeline no it's all
about controlling my experience in this
dimension and I don't have to worry
about the other Me's and other
dimensions that are controlling their
experience very interesting you've
talked about how we all create our own
realities and what do you mean by that
I think our expectations create the real
create our reality in the same way that
psychologists will tell you that we
often recreate patterns in terms of our
relationships with other people
throughout our life like something that
happened to us in childhood we might put
ourselves in the same situation or seek
out similar experiences as adults I
think we do that in all of the choices
that we make you know you took a sip of
your water you expect
it to be water and it was water but have
you ever tried to take a drink of
something that you thought was water but
it was orange juice
yes that like your entire reality
you know is turned upside down right so
we expect things we get the same things
back in a way yeah that's really so I am
absolutely obsessed with this and in
many ways what we're doing here at
impact theory is all predicated on the
notion that essentially we create our
own reality and if we create our own
reality and to be honest like I don't
really believe that we're actually in
the matrix even though that's like my
go-to metaphor I don't believe that
we're actually in the matrix but I do
think that because the Wetworks of our
brain are essential and you've talked
about this are creating a virtual
environment right so my brain doesn't
actually touch light it doesn't actually
the perturbations of the air doesn't
actually touch my brain right it goes
through a processing plant gets turned
into neuro chemical signals and creates
its best representation and once I
realized wait a second if this is
essentially it doing its best to create
something so I don't bump into too much
how many little lies are being told
and if little lies are being told can I
take control of those lies and then
really construct a reality that's more
advantageous not like delusional not
schizophrenic but advantageous so that I
choose like Einstein said the most
important decision any person ever has
to make is whether you live in a hostile
or a friendly universe it's a decision
so how many little lies does our brain
tell us so maybe a better way of
thinking about this is as like a mad
libs sort of game and our brain the
probability machine that it is is
playing Russian roulette in a way with
those fill in the blanks and so our
experiences and what we expect our
reality to give us back is part of the
input into the probability machine that
then makes its best guess at what the
blank should be filled in with and so I
know for you and for impact Theory it's
all about how do you affect the
calculation that's going on in the brain
so that the
length that's filled in gets filled in
with something that's more positive more
empowering more action-oriented than not
right and I have to admit I've never
seen a V for Vendetta but I think that
there's an important scene that I might
have seen on a YouTube clip or something
like that where Natalie Portman's
character realizes that she had the
ability to leave prison all along and
that she was really only being kept in
her cell by her expectation which her
brain was creating for her based on the
input that she was getting which never
thought to test it and what she did she
realized that she was being limited only
by her own expectations and I can't
believe I've never used that analogy
before when talking about all this
because that I think is where so many
people live their lives is okay you
could do something more but you never go
like poke that you never check that door
you never stop to see if it's actually
unlocked or not I had I had a similar
experience and I'm unfortunately I
forgot to look up the name of the artist
who created the virtual reality
experience that was here at LACMA
it was meant to illustrate the plight of
those people that have taken the risk to
try and cross the border from Mexico
illegal immigrants or searching for a
better life I think it's a seven minute
experience and you're you stand in sand
that's meant to recreate the earth in
that San Diego sort of Mexico border you
have the headset on and you are actually
with a group of migrants crossing the
border with them and the experience that
you get hopefully it's no no spoilers is
that you're identifying you're captured
by border control a gun is put in your
face others around you are questioned
their injured and you have the
instinctive reaction especially you're
barefoot in that sand right so you're
tangibly connected to the reality that
the computer is creating for you and at
the end of it even though knowing that
it was a virtual experience even though
knowing that nothing could actually
happen to me when a gun was put to my
head in you know virtual reality and I
was told to get on my knees
I did and that messed me up you know so
I had the whole rest of the time
wandering this institution of privilege
looking at very expensive art wondering
what it meant that the end of this
imaginary experience I was tangibly in
reality on my knees accepting the
authority of a computer that's pretty
crazy mm-hmm it's yeah I mean it's so I
did they had the one with the phone the
Samsung phone where the person from Oh
like walks up to you have you seen it no
all right so you're in like this
mythical realm if you've seen Cirque de
Soleil oh and it's like thin water very
shallow water and the person's way far
off in the background and it's the VR
ones on the phone are quite pixelated so
you know it disturbs your sense that
this is a seamless reality and the
person walks walks walks walks walks and
then they get right into your face and I
found myself wanting to back away
because the sense of presence was so
real that I needed the distance it was
super weird and I thought whoa if this
is what it's like when it's super grainy
I fully know that I've got like
something on my face is not like a light
set of glasses this is like the clunky
VR that we've got today and it presence
is the right word it had a sense of
presence and it triggered and this is
what I find and I'm so curious to know
what drew you to neuroscience
this is what I find so interesting so my
brain has its limitations
it does not process well that this isn't
actually happening so all the physical
things that would trigger if you got too
close to me we're triggering even though
I was just wearing a headset which then
man when you start thinking about like
how does this play out when it is
indistinguishable visually from off and
on
what is how much does it begin to mess
with our neuro chemistry and so this is
sort of the world you plan where where
have you guys at Caltech started dealing
with VR like do you have insights into
VR or VR AR or even AI like where is the
science of all this and what are the
things
that give you pause well almost
everything I learn when I'm speaking
with my fellow researchers gives me
pause because everybody's questions are
they're all so interesting Caltech is
deeply involved in AI and specifically
in computer vision Pietro Perona is one
of the leading researchers in the world
in this area and he happens to be at
Caltech and I have a few friends in his
lab and that's teaching computers to to
recognize patterns in the world
similarly to the human brain which they
which they are not capable of doing and
walk us through the story so I know that
originally you wanted to be a dancer and
you were doing the college saying
because you had the parental
encouragement to put a nice word on it
but then you actually go become a
professional dancer in New York but
you're sitting here today working at Cal
Tech as I mean a PhD so how what
happened I went to New York and I
trained at the Alvin Ailey School which
is a very well known school of modern
dance and there in Manhattan and I was
gonna be a dancer but then there were
sort of cracks in the facade a little
bit I wasn't quite fulfilled and when
you're a dancer especially when you're a
young dancer you're treated as if you
don't have a mind of your own and you
are simply a body and the artistic
director and the choreographer or the
teacher is giving you the input and you
have to back and for someone that
already had a bachelor's degree in
biochemistry that wasn't really
satisfying um especially when they would
make comments about biochemistry like
don't eat too much turkey for
Thanksgiving cuz then you'll fall asleep
because tryptophan be like do you know
how many turkeys you'd have to eat I
digress so talk to me about dance for a
second because dance is brutally
difficult what what parallels are there
in the discipline obviously being in a
lab is so like you have to be so
regimented so disciplined are there
parallels between the two have you
always been a discipline person did you
have to develop it I think when it comes
to discipline
um I didn't much have a choice so I
didn't realize that other people live
without it
a lot of the early accomplishments that
I have made were because I didn't
realize that there was an option and
there's actually a type of method for
teaching I also used to play the violin
and I was taught with the Suzuki method
and if you look up the Suzuki method you
have all of these little four or five
six year olds that are playing violin
concertos that are you know I was far
beyond what you would think somebody of
that age should be able to do and it's
because nobody told them that they
shouldn't be able to do that and so that
was basically my reality I was told well
you're 11 you're gonna start going to
college so I went and the expectation
was she supposed to get good grades so I
did every time there was a goal put in
front of me I didn't realize you could
not accomplish it so I just did so you
said that you're actually trying to wean
yourself off of type a trades which I
was very surprised by so you're trying
to one why so you're you when you were
talking about it and what I heard you
acknowledge that maybe this is the
recipe for success but I don't know that
it's necessarily the recipe for
happiness so what are your views on type
a trades where are you at in your own
journey what does that look like it's
very wonderful to see a mountain and to
want to climb it and put your flag on
top of it it is very wonderful to want
to create your own mountain so that you
can then climb it and put your flag on
top of it but it is also wonderful to
know why you are doing that or why you
are compelled to climb mountains in the
first place and you might discover that
everyone values mountains but you
actually love the sea and perhaps
swimming is what you really should be
doing and if your calling is the
mountain then by all means go and climb
the mountain but if you have questions
about the sea you might as well run the
experiment and see what happens
and run the experiment is encounter it
yes and what would you do so if you had
kids let's say six and
so that you have to run a lot of
experiments like what are what are the
systems you'd put in place to help them
find maximum happiness and I guess is
happiness the highest thing you would
want for them no definitely not I think
there's there's a balance between
following your bliss and having that
bliss be reasonable because we all have
to live in society that's been created
for us and there's you know certain
expectations that one is a contributing
member of the community of humanity and
that can be accomplished in many
different ways I think if I had a group
of young people that I was responsible
for I would try and listen listen more
than maybe my parents did to what each
of them want I certainly wouldn't try
and mentor all of them because you can't
do that right but put them in situations
where they can find people to emulate
and to look up to and to ask the right
questions of because the worst thing in
the world is to have an inquisitive mind
or to have questions and to not know the
right people or have the right resources
to get them answered so the youthful
brain is still plastic it's still
developing and it's more susceptible to
information in certain ways than in
others I'd use stories I would use
imaginative language and humor that's
interesting why is this is very
important to me so now I'm just straight
asking you because this could be very
useful why why is story more effective
on young people whose brains are still
more plastic because the last thing to
solidify is the executive control
function the critical thinking function
the logic discount the narrative the
story so appealing really to the logic
of a six-year-old might not be the
fastest way to get them to comply with
your desires but you might be training
them later to be able to use those
processes in the future so there is
value in it but you know it's matter do
you want to get them in the car now or
do you want to help
motivate themselves logically in the
future okay so if you're trying to get
them in the car and not necessarily
train their logic system you're telling
them a story like what's going to get
them to take action the action that you
want with young kids and I love teaching
what I call a little little switch is
about ages six to eight they it has to
be a good idea for them to get in the
car right so that could mean you know
that lies with their motives exactly so
if the asphalt has suddenly become lava
and there's lot of alligators that are
coming to eat you then it's not that
hard to run around the car in a circle
and jump in and then closed or it you
lock it and you know you're on your way
to the supermarket and they're happy
because they got away from a lava
alligator right and so you can you can
sort of distract and encourage them to
have a positive experience that that
helps you and that's sort of a great way
to get changed to happen with the group
of young highly energetic imaginative
kids a cast of the future of the world
like that so you ended your talk the
TEDx you said may the force be with you
and you smile now thinking about it it
made me smile when I heard it made me
feel an instant kinship to you we
clearly had a shared mythology a shared
interest like I can't remember actually
if it was Homo sapiens or Homo Deus but
he talks about how we can we are an
animal that can band together in these
massive groups very flexibly because
something like that right that you could
just say may the force be with you and
now I'm like okay she's my people right
and that little thing that then triggers
like all of this backstory and knowledge
kicks off so my my belief is because I
have assimilated things like that as an
adult but I won't lie that the ones that
I assimilated as a child haunt me the
deepest and they see much more deeply
like planted in my my sense of identity
which is the easiest way for me to
explain like real profound
transformation I stop myself from using
the word
Lidda Fox I think you planted that in my
mind when you said the brain solidifies
but Star Wars because I encountered it
so young feels baked into my soul like I
don't know who I am without that the
matrix I consider to be the most
important metaphor in my life but it it
feels more intellectual than it does
like real deep-seated idea and would it
have resonated as strongly if you hadn't
ever seen Star Wars I'm not sure you
tell me what do you think that's the
thing about multiverse theory right
we'll never really know who we would
have been if we had made like one
different decision you know way back
there in our childhood but because of
the way the brain develops that is
exactly true we are more emotionally
susceptible to the experiences that we
have early on in life than we are later
in life and that exactly tracks and I
use the word solidify and I don't want
the angry male that says but certain
parts of the brain remain plastic yes I
do acknowledge and recognize that but
there's a certain amount of finishing
that happens in those last few years in
the early in the early 20s which is the
full development of the prefrontal
cortex which is sort of responsible both
for those our ability to think logically
and to predict outcomes and and also
maybe a little bit for us to be able to
project the negative outcomes as well
right so optimism follows victim to
reality in a way during because we can
actually process we get better at
fantasizing in essence about the
negativity because that region of the
brain becomes more fully form you can
get trapped in it that's really
interesting so I I focus very
intentionally on being very optimistic
now I happen to be optimistic by Nature
but I've really like fueled that in my
adult life so how much of that kind of
stuff do you think is influenced by I
refer to it as identity that's how I
attack it so I'm the type of person that
is optimistic okay well then I need to
act in accordance with that so when I
find the pessimism maybe the pessimism
is always mine
natural inclination but because I'm the
type of person that looks the optimistic
view then I set that aside and I go okay
but what's the positive way to look at
this scenario how much like view am i
reshaping my brain slowly over time or
am I just a massing an arsenal of do you
know what pachenko is no it's I think
I'm not even sure that I'm right right
now but bear with me
I think it's that machine that you'd
like drop a coin or a ball or whatever
in it okay down all that stuff which
sometimes I feel like I have all these
mechanisms in place and any idea is like
a pachinko ball that because of all the
beliefs and things that it hits whatever
negative thought I try to have like by
the time it gets down to the bottom it's
positive because I've built these
mechanisms in place these beliefs
mantras actions like whatever the case
may be to make sure because I'm obsessed
with what's efficacious right so like
when I said what's more efficient to get
them in the car I'm literally thinking
time so what activity forget that
scarring long-term is deeply problematic
and you actually do have to think about
it but like what time right what gets
them in as fast as humanly possible so I
have that obsession so that's one of my
little pachinko things that it's going
to hit but that to me is is I'd be very
curious to know like how much of it do
you think is my brain will actually
shape and change over time to where no
positive thoughts are just they're more
seamless I'm more wired to kick up a
positive emotion and a positive
framework whatever or no it's all sort
of your mind reacting in different ways
to the negative stimulus well brains are
lazy because most of nature is lazy
there has to be a justifiable reason for
energy output you know because that's
using resources that is important for
survival so if our brains are lazy and
they follow the processes that are
easiest for them to follow if you have
constantly trained your brain in through
it like reframing and reframing and
reframing that the positive the
optimistic outcome is the easiest one to
think about and it has to work very hard
to think about the
of ones unless it's feeling threatened
in some way it will go seems good enough
because it's a it's a prediction machine
it's like I predict that this is
probably what's going to happen it'll be
a positive outcome there might be other
factors but the energy that I would be
expending thinking about those other
factors doesn't seem in line with what's
necessary for the importance of this
decision so good enough that's
interesting what do you think is like
humans default settings so I'll give you
one of mine just so you get a frame of
reference so I think humans are an
active species meaning to your point
about there has to be a justification
for energy expenditure and I think about
this in terms of AI and all the
decisions that we'll have to make for AI
I think one of the things that that is
inbuilt is while we have the need to
justify the energy expenditure I don't
think ever that a human in its default
setting just stands there our brains
really don't like to be bored but very
unhappy if they're under stimulated and
then that can that can go to solving the
problem in in many different ways not
just how can i how can I solve the
problem short term but how can I ensure
that this is not going to be a problem
in the long run
being brain so our brains don't like to
be wrong either yeah yes we do a whole
podcast about how much our brains hate
being create all kinds of realities for
ourselves so that we can avoid being
wrong in the initial what are the
mechanisms of creating those realities
well I think in the in the context of
addiction it's probably different than
in in the context of other types of
decision making behavior because that
ghent that genuinely is different parts
of the brain having different priorities
and sort of the argument that happens
between them so you have the the
midbrain which is people call the
emotional Center which is the lizard
brain I really don't like you think the
biggest offender oversimplifications but
the the section in the midbrain that
everyone knows only
talking about being relevant is the the
section that is responsible or where the
the dopamine system lives and we always
talk about dopamine and reward and
positive reinforcement and once that's
activated it's so powerful that the poor
prefrontal cortex is really struggling
because you know it's only been around
for so many million years and the the
system that's in control of the organism
of the person that's trying to stop
smoking has been around for much much
longer and exists in much much more
primitive organisms right so you're kind
of fighting nature there and you have a
biological system that has been
irrevocably changed through exposure to
this drug and it's doing what it's
supposed to do every single part of your
body is doing its job properly but the
weight has shifted so that in fact is a
biological reality that is affecting
your your your perception and you're
sort of saying like oh I really want
this cigarette and the part of my brain
that's telling me that I really
shouldn't is starting to get very very
quiet and then worse the prefrontal
cortex is now co-opted by the emotional
needs of the midbrain so it starts to
rationalize so now it's like a secret
agent it's no longer working for that
long-term plan towards you know positive
productive success it's it's now it's
now working for the midbrain and it's
like it'll feel really good it's only
this once you know you only smoked half
of it right and then as soon as as soon
as you light up you've sort of lost a
bit you've lost the battle so if it's
irrevocably changed how do people that
end up quitting quit so for some people
they actually can just quit and quit
cold-turkey
is it because their brain wasn't altered
for whatever reason they have a lot of
it has to do with genetic background
okay so I studied a specific mutation in
a specific protein that makes up a group
of protein that's responsible for
binding nicotine and a very small
said but those people that have the
mutation that I studied find it much
much more difficult to quit they are
more likely to get addicted if they ever
smoke and they also are more likely to
get lung cancer or abuse alcohol and
we're not exactly sure why all of those
things are true and it's it's not just a
point mutation for those biologists that
are watching
it's not just an amino acid change
although it is it's the difference of a
single atom and do you see your life as
having a mission um I hope that I learn
from all of my experiences and that I
always have new ones and I'm always
growing because I think that life is
means to evolve and if you're not
evolving through small incremental
changes that build up over time to
create a large change then you're
probably dead and that shouldn't really
be a goal of anyone like I think every
day I get up and I say what are my
priorities and then I move towards that
and sometimes honestly my priorities are
to see how many back-to-back episodes of
whatever I'm watching on Netflix I can
watch you know if it's that kind of
introverts Sunday that I need you know
for in order to be my best self out in
the world Monday morning and sometimes
it's you know how much of my to-do list
can i crank through before lunch like
put on eye of the tiger or I really love
the rocky floor soundtrack it's respect
like rocky floor soundtrack mornings and
that's like you know boss morning
which is the complete opposite so
utility function changes based on what I
feel like I need I'm utterly fascinated
by that you know the Rocky movies are
those overcoming obstacles kind of you
can do it just put your head down and do
the training and take the pain and
eventually it's going to pay off and on
those days where you just got to get
through an impossible to-do list
you really have to feel that if you put
your head down and you take the pain
it's going to pay off you know so I
think it's good for that when you're
doing stuff like that are you thinking
about the neuro chemistry like I'm about
to manipulate my
brain chemistry right now and understand
exactly what you're gonna do no I try
not to really try and create I try and
create the narrative and the experience
intercept I am so fascinating to go
deeper what do you mean it's more
powerful that way right if you are
rationalizing it then it's not it's not
gonna have the same impact as if you
really do give yourself over to the
lovely molecules that are pinging around
in your midbrain and helping to create
an emotional environment for you it's
the same as falling in love right so you
do like these talks we call the nerd
brigade which is a group of science
communicators that I hang out with we do
public talks around Valentine's Day we
call it valence science day and we need
to tell really nerdy stories about
Sciences relationship with sex and
mating and love and yeah I'm a neuro
chemist so if I found somebody that I
was really into I could talk about you
know I'm feeling some really high
oxytocin levels I feel very bonded you
know to him and I'm feeling like all of
the dopamine you know I'm just like back
stroking through dopamine and it's
lovely and but that's that's not as
romantic as understanding that you were
under the influence of these molecules
but sort of enjoying the ride and
letting them do the wonderful things
they do like yeah I probably have eaten
less in the last week or so than normal
because I have all of this adrenaline
going on but that's okay isn't it funny
how meeting the right person can can
create all of these wonderful things and
it's most of the time when you're first
meeting someone based on a narrative
that you're telling yourself about that
person because you don't even know them
that well so give me what is the
narrative that you're running when
you're about to put on the eye of the
tiger you've got the list you got to get
through it you're gonna kill it what
what do you say do you say is it visual
imagery is it like as if someone were
narrating your life like what is that
moment for you I don't consider myself a
very competitive person but sometimes
it's necessary to try and tap into one's
more primal
and so I tell myself that this to-do
list or the things that are on it are so
insignificant compared to the things
that I have already done
I've already survived or already
accomplished that it's it's almost
laughable that they think they can stay
there on my to-do list you know like
they're they're actively mocking me
that's a statement right I think that
there's a lot maybe specifically in
women but there's a lot that we have
already accomplished though we don't
even look at as accomplishments and so
if you can get to the point where you
can say well I've already pushed through
something uncomfortable or I've already
done something that I didn't think that
I was able to do didn't have skills to
do didn't have the confidence to even
try but yet circumstances intervened and
I was forced to I've already done these
things and yeah they were in a different
context and maybe they were in a
personal context in on a career context
or in my case they were in the theater
and not in the science world but I've
already it's proof of concept is already
there so what reason do I have to
believe that this isn't it's not going
to work again so not thinking about it
as this entirely novel new thing because
you do get the fear response to new
things because that's our brain trying
to protect us from you know things that
might be dangerous so we we don't know
anything about and realizing that in
fact this is a familiar task
that's cloaked in in a new environment
and so I think that there's a lot to be
said for looking back at our successes
and not just appreciating them but but
really recognizing that the new
challenges in fact our old dragons we've
already seen yeah I love how much you
use story it's really interesting and
it's one thing I it's fascinating I
guess for me is part of what I have done
as a technique to to get control of my
neuro chemistry is to learn about it to
think about this is what's actually
happening these are the chemicals that
are being pumped to understand that
dopamine isn't just a reward chemical in
fact
more than anything it's a chemical of
desire it's wanting it's the leading up
to and how like intoxicating that
anticipation is right so having the
Christmas presents waiting to be opened
is more fun than having the open
Christmas present and so when I get that
when I really understand like what's
going on and I can imagine it I'm able
to take hold of it more and that like so
I used to have really bad anxiety and
that was how I dealt with I needed to
understand the brain structures that
were at play I needed to understand what
what is going on what is the sympathetic
nervous system what's the
parasympathetic nervous system what's a
negative feedback loop how does that
help me how can I grab hold of it like
here's something that is interesting
when I started when I fell in love with
the woman who's now my wife I told her
this is just neuro chemistry be very
prepared now the reason that I need you
to understand that is because it will AB
and flow and so if we're going to last
for a very long time we've got to one of
two things either understand that this
is then going to change and evolve and
we have to like sort of emotionally be
ahead of that change that where it
doesn't feel like it's flattening we get
that it's maturing and turning into
something else or we have to learn or
maybe both but we have to learn how to
fan those flames right that we have to
feel that chemistry of love again
because what I found is in the beginning
that in and I remember my mom gave me
the best description of being in love
I've ever heard in my life and she said
you'll know you're in love when you feel
like there is no way anyone else has
ever experienced this before ever like
it's just not possible and I remember
when I've never been in love before my
wife she is the only woman I've ever
said I love you too and when it hit me
and I began having that chemical cascade
I thought there's no way anyone's ever
felt like this because if they did
nothing would ever get done it it's like
doing cocaine it is it's all-consuming
all I wanted to do was be around her and
feel that and it was just as long as I
had her nothing else mattered and so in
that moment I thought
aha this is just neuro chemistry like
this is gonna go away like if you've got
to be really careful eh don't plan a
life where you're gonna feel like this
forever so don't give up on your career
don't stop eating like cuz it's you know
it's going to evolve and then you're
gonna be looking around going what the
hell just happened and so recognizing
that neuro chemistry and thinking of
almost removing myself from the story to
tell myself the reality of the neuro
chemistry so that I can build a
longer-term story I mean I'm at the end
it's it's another story but that having
that intermediary of really spending the
time with the realities of what's
happening allowed us to build a
mechanism that protected us from that
like decline of now what do you do in
the neuro chemistry change and so she
and I do the show called relationship
theory and we walk people through sort
of how we've gotten here how we build a
business together we've been married for
15 years together for 17 like how and
that is like one of my like Silver
Bullet things to put on the table is
read about your brain write read about
your brain understand what it's doing
understand the change like I remember I
was like she was 21 when we met and I
was like your brain has it I use the
word solidify but your brain hasn't
finished developing yet so like we're
gonna have to deal with that we're gonna
have to deal with how does our
relationship fit into your brain as it
evolves and how much will our
relationship evolve your brain right and
just having the self-awareness to say
I'm experiencing the world entirely by
the saying I mean going back to right
where we started I'm experiencing the
world through this thing that is encased
in total darkness and total silence and
yet it recreates this whole experience
for us so to not understand it and
fundamentally I mean when I'm sitting
next to you obviously I feel like a spaz
but it you know to to have at least a
rudimentary understanding of what's
happening so that you're not blindsided
by anger love sadness loss like whatever
that thing is that you can really
process through it
I think when I was younger
that's how I felt that emotion was not
useful or you know it is actively a
destructive thing and that I had to
build my life entirely logically now
that's obviously like we're human so
it's impossible we make emotional
decisions all at the time but a youthful
developing brain thinks that this is
something that can be done and that they
can you know always do the right thing
and the right thing is the logical thing
and then as I started to learn about the
brain and as I started to learn about
myself I realized that I didn't have a
lot of experience in seeing what would
happen if I just let them come in most
people experiment with this in
adolescence but they don't know they're
experiencing you know just these these
emotions they they just kind of think
this is how I am and this is who I am
right they don't think about it in an
abstract way all right before I ask my
last question working these guys find
you online so I try and I'm not on
Facebook I try and keep a low profile
but on Twitter I'm at polycrystal HD and
that's sort of my professional life so
you'll get lots of science stuff and a
lot of feminist women in the workplace
stuff and if you just kind of want to
know what's going on with me in my real
life and you can find me on Instagram
same thing at poly crystal HD all right
and I lied I have two things I have to
ask
so one what is it that you hope you
impact in terms of women in STEM and get
to the last one in a second all I hope
for women in STEM is that they stop
worrying about whether or not they're
fitting in and whether or not they are
supposed to be emulating the men or
making a point of being female and and
they they start just taking things
taking their power taking their place at
the table and not asking permission for
it and we have all of these trailblazing
women that have had to do that they have
had to take and there are so many glass
ceilings in academia you know the
ancient ivory tower that it is
they are still there to be broken but I
think for the masses since we're always
trying to get women in stem now and
women in coding and so it's I think of
it as like I hope this isn't offensive
like storming the beaches at Normandy
like we just put enough women into the
pipeline and the fact that it's so leaky
won't be a problem will eventually get
enough of them through to tenure-track
positions that there will start to be a
positive feedback loop and I think that
for the masses it can be very difficult
to be at your best
when you're constantly looking over your
shoulder and wondering if being you is
enough that's great all right what what
is the impact that you want to have on
the world oh oh all I want is to give
one example of what's possible you know
if and it's not a numbers game for me
it's just I'm I'm trying to figure out
what works for me and what's best for me
and makes me happy and helps me
accomplish goals that I think are
worthwhile and if anything that I have
done sparks a thought or interest in in
somebody else and I feel like I've I've
done my job so everyone has to find
their own way and I'm trying to find
mine and I hope that the way that I am
looking for it might spark some ideas
and other people guys I hit that one
again what I love is that she is really
bringing the humanity to the science
which is why I think she is so effective
at her job I think it's why I was so
drawn to her at the moment that I heard
her talk about neuroscience there's that
sense of her own experience of really
being that example that she wants to be
for people to give a fresh voice to show
somebody a version of not not even a
woman in stem but just a person in stem
that is completely authentic and raw and
real and - it was the the juxtaposition
of being a dancer and being a
neuroscientist that I knew I was going
to just
really really want to spend time talking
and I found myself getting sucked into a
total time warp on that because when you
engage with somebody that really has a
deep understanding of something and can
express it
whether you agree on everything or not
you begin to ask yourself like far more
interesting questions and that I think
at the end of the day is crystals real
gift whether you agree or disagree she
is gonna get you to ask questions that
you've never thought to ask and for that
I'm very grateful guys if you haven't
already be sure to subscribe and until
next time my friends be legendary thank
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