Kind: captions
Language: en
hey everybody welcome to impact theory
you are here my friends because you
believe that human potential is nearly
limitless but you know that having
potential is not the same as actually
doing something with it so our goal with
this show and company is to introduce
you to the people and ideas that will
help you actually execute on your dreams
all right today's guest is a clinical
psychologist and acclaimed author on the
topic of parenting who's not only on
oprah's supersoul 100 list but oprah
said brace yourself that in the 30 years
she's been doing interviews this woman
is the best she's ever seen not bad
born in india but trained in the west
her work focuses on the integration of
eastern philosophy and mindfulness into
the realm of growth expansion and
transformation
bringing some much-needed pizzazz to the
somewhat homogeneous world of
self-improvement her views on parenting
aren't just unconventional they're
downright controversial her ideas are so
fresh that they cut through the clutter
of the books designed to tell you how to
fix your child and instead ask you to
fix yourself first
her approach to what she calls conscious
parenting has attracted global attention
and the dalai lama himself wrote the
preface to her first book praising her
ability to bring compassion to the
masses and she has certainly gotten good
at reaching the masses she's been asked
to speak all over the world at high
profile events like wisdom 2.0 tedx
kellogg business school the dalai lama
center for peace and education and a
giggle of others you've got to see these
things people practically throw their
backs out jumping to their feet at the
end of her talks she is amazing at
conveying complex new ideas as such she
also has a thriving private practice
where she helps individuals couples and
families with the process of finding
their truest selves
according to her she's always known
she'd make a career out of helping
people heal and i can't imagine a
profession much more noble than that so
please
help me in welcoming the best-selling
author whose latest book the awakened
family is truly a revolution in
parenting the woman oprah called
revolutionary and life-changing the
astounding dr shafali
absolutely it is a pleasure i'm glad
that you're here
so it's funny so doing that intro i know
your feelings on leading people
especially kids to believe that they
have potential and that they have to do
something with it so as i'm reading i'm
like oh she's really going to have a
field day with this one but what define
for us what conscious parenting is i
think that will give us the framework to
really dive in sure well consciousness
you know first needs to be understood
as a commitment
to
unearthing the
emotional and conditioned legacies of
your mind
so we've all
inherited
so much baggage you know from culture
and from unconscious parents and
their ancestors and
as a result we
grow into these legacies without ever
questioning how do they work for me
you know who am i in all of this and
what is my truth in all of this so we
live off prescriptive checklists
and believe that if we don't follow that
checklist then we are somehow lesser
than and when we do this with a child
who's come into this world with a
throbbing spirit desirous of kind of
figuring it out and we've kind of
already ruined that chance by you know
here's the checklist this is what i
believe is success and failure and
beauty and achievement and now follow my
way or you're already an outcast in my
eyes so
the process of consciousness in
parenting mandates that the parent
not hand over that prescription and in
order for the parent to not hand that
over means that they have had to come
to
let go that prescription themselves
they've had to somehow deconstruct their
own emotional legacies and find their
own truth so that they can then unleash
it in their child it really is neat the
way that your book focuses so much on
the parent and not on the kid and as
somebody who doesn't have kids i haven't
read a lot of parenting books
but certainly i've encountered enough of
this to
realize normally it's tactics tools
techniques to really help your kid
manifest their potential or get into the
best school or you know whatever that
book is aimed at um
when did you start thinking about the
fact that this is really uh a problem
aimed at the parents that it's a cycle
that it's literally just generation
after generation it's being passed down
what was that moment for you yeah it was
uh quite epiphanic because i did not
want to see this you know this is not a
convenient truth to tell the parent that
they have to fix themselves i mean the
last thing apparent because we're very
defensive and we always believe we're
right and this is our one chance to show
the world that this we got it right you
know we're good enough our children and
now being told that it is not the child
and it's all you
and there's something you need to look
at is threatening for the parent it's
threatening for anyone no one wants to
look in the mirror correct so now to be
asked to look in the mirror in the most
intimate profound experience
relationship of your life is deeply
ominous for a parent it takes a lot of
courage but when i came upon it is as a
therapist working with family after
family and observing that here were
parents who had completed the checklist
they had financial success they had
emotional longevity in long-term
relationships they had arrived and yet
there was a deep dysfunction or deep
disconnection between themselves and
their children so that led me to
be curious you know well what is it you
know if it isn't what we think it is
success money marriage stability uh
maturity then what is it and i began to
see that it's this thing that i called
consciousness which is really the
parents inability to realize that
there's this thing called conditioning
that obscures the ability to see the
child for who it is so because we've
been conditioned we don't even know
we're so conditioned with like cultural
norms and stuff well everything we're
conditioned by our own childhood
by the unconsciousness of our parents
we're conditioned by culture in terms of
norms what is right
and what would you say the
unconsciousness of our parents you mean
that they've just handed over what they
were handed all this stuff they've not
been aware they've not been attuned
they've not been aligned they've just
been doing what they were told was the
right way to live but what this does
this this immediate
placement of a way to be
obscures
the ability for the child to develop
their way
right they never get to figure out who
it is they are they never hear the soul
calling from within they never hear the
beat of their own essence they just come
to be herded into cattle right and this
is where there's a disconnect because
the child is like hey see me
and all they see reflected back is the
parents ideation of what they should be
and then the abyss between who the child
believes they are and who they feel they
should be grows wider so you have you
know in adulthood you see
all grown up children walking around
last and aimless finding who it is they
are why is it that you you're doing the
show to help children grown children
recover what they once had and that's a
tragedy right because they had it we all
had it once so what happens what happens
is that the parent because of their
unconsciousness and they're being um
you know completely overwhelmed by
conditioning
pluck the child's essence out and and
shove all this unconscious garbage in
which has never been deconstructed
and they tell the child how to be then
the child has to go through all their
life and then one day have an epiphany
or he'd be vomiting on a bathroom floor
you know overdose that they begin to say
now i need to find who it is i am right
and that's this endless cycle we're all
on it we all are reading my books and
watching your shows to recover
from the parenting we received that's
that's really really interesting so i'll
walk you through
my transition reading your book i think
it will be very familiar to you okay so
um the team
brought you to my attention said i think
you're really going to be blown away
i see it i'm like oh man she's amazing
like so you're so good at your talks oh
my god like you are amazing
and so immediate yeah absolutely bring
her on then i go into like the real
research where i dive in i'm reading the
books like really really going in and i
start hearing some of your like real
philosophies about parenting and i was
like
whoa
i can't like i i was shocked i'll be
honest i was like wow man like so and
the wonderful part is we're going to
play a game sort of here in a minute
because i'm so fascinated by how
consistent you are with your answers but
when you when you really start that
deconstruction process of okay you don't
get to pour yourself into your child
your child is is not owned by you
what does that really look like as a
parent and and i was going through that
like in real time like
wait if i had a kid like i wouldn't be
able to tell them what to do i wouldn't
be able to you know take ownership and
guide them and
and so that was really really
fascinating tricky how do you help
parents through that when
well first what is it that makes them
cling so hard and then how do you help
them through it it's really tricky you
know from green beans to
having sex too young it's knowing where
that line is
you know but it's the same thing though
it's really it's what's your stance as a
parent you know can i shove those green
beans down can i stop my kid from having
sex like what is my jurisdiction what is
that sovereign line
it's really tough and the beauty of life
though is that there is no line in stone
most of it is in sand
and it's uncomfortable life is this
eternal dance between the knowing and
the not knowing between the uh
possessing and complete non-possession
between the doing and the non-doing
isn't life constantly the art of this
no more do you see it you know played
out than in the parent-child
relationship the child is asking you
guide me control me i don't know how to
do it and you're like yeah i'll do it
i'll help you i'll show you but then you
like then you suddenly reach a line
where the child can't do it and can't do
it your way so now you have to back off
then you go in and then you have to back
off you have to be there everything you
have to provide care for and you know
give everything but you can't really own
them you know it's this this constant
dance between stepping into
the the doing and the ego of it and your
role as a parent to stepping completely
out of it to understanding that your
children are here ultimately to be their
own sovereign beings so you can try and
pretend and identify with the role but
ultimately they're their own person so
you yeah and then you back off you're
right you go close then you have to back
off and if you don't and you ramrod into
your child because you don't see the
line no parent sees the line you miss
the line the line was like way back you
should have stopped way back three years
ago right but you kept going then the
kid will will create something to push
you away they'll either slam the door
they'll create the defense they'll move
to china they'll do something to go okay
back off now i need to find who it is i
am or they will wallow in an addiction
because they don't know where to go
because you don't know your boundary
right as a parent
so
when you're working with these families
and they're coming and they're
struggling is there like a system that
you go through to
to break it down to help them identify
that and because one thing i think about
when i look at it is
kids brains just aren't developed so if
i i was imagining you doing a parent and
child um session and the parent has all
these rules and they've overstepped
their bounds but the child literally has
a
an underdeveloped brain so how
risky to use my words is it to
so fully empower somebody whose brain
hasn't finished developing to really
take autonomy right right
conscious parenting is about being
attuned
to who your child is at the stage
they're in
so it does require knowing some
psychology and it does require knowing
developmentally where your child is you
know i always say parents become parents
they don't take a single psychology
course they don't understand development
how is that possible there needs to be
some license no don't you think like
something some qualifying exam horniness
cannot be
only the guy was in love no that can't
be a qualifier for raising a child
so you have to understand that i'm a
psychologist so i understand right so
being attuned to who your child is at
their stage of development understanding
their brain and then giving the input
that's needed of course
right you do have a bedtime
right you do aim for a bedtime but you
don't aim for a bedtime that's 7 34
right you aim for a bedtime that's
between 7 30 and 9 right because you
understand you're dealing with hiv the
choice well not that they have the
choice you're working with someone who's
infinitely malleable and your work
you're not working with a soldier or a
puppet so but but on the other hand you
do have to have a bedtime so you
understand what i'm saying it's playing
the dance of both you create a an
inbuilt structure in your life but you
also don't go crazy and drive your kid
nuts because now it's eight or five and
bedtime was supposed to be 7 30.
right you do it with the art of of
balancing the doing with the being
and ultimately being as in connecting to
the child must triumph so all too often
you'll see parenting is all about the
doing all about the commands and the
controls and the directives because we
feel comfortable in the knowing
but really the precious jewel of having
children
is to understand that they come here to
teach you how to be
especially young children they come here
to teach how to be in the present moment
and they ask you to shed your ideas of
worth and identity and success and they
ask you to recognize can you accept me
for who it is i am and you will see most
parents do not accept their children for
who it is they are
because they're not good enough or great
enough or fabulous enough or not some
accolade enough not a degree enough
and then
i show parents that the reason they
can't do this
except their child unequivocally for who
it is they are is because they haven't
accepted themselves for who it is they
are how much pushback do you get a lot
yeah like people walk out of the room
i'm not surprised at all
um for anybody thinking about stopping
this i will tell you it only gets better
and this stuff really adds up and
there's a consistency to it while you
were talking i was thinking about i
really hope you've seen this the sound
of music yes you've seen it okay so when
my wife and i were considering having
kids we've decided not to so don't worry
um
i was so enamored by him blowing the
whistle and the kids lining up but i was
like oh my gosh i'm gonna do that like
that was like my fancy seven children
and then yeah when i read your book i
was like oh yeah that would have been a
mistake the seven would have been a
problem too yeah yeah let me start with
that so
does that movie in my mind listening to
you talk that movie encapsulates the
transition somewhat from going from sort
of the extreme end of imposing your will
to then bringing somebody in who really
tries to discover who the children are
and in that discovery you really see the
kids blossom yeah is that what a great
metaphor yeah i'd never used it now i
will nice um yes so you have this very
left brain
thinking doing you know militaristic
persona of the patriarch who rigidifies
everything and believes that children
are to be seen not heard and they're
puppets really minions to his directives
right but they're really lifeless and
they're scared of him and they're not
exposing who it is they are they're
pretending they've created a false sense
of self right they're all like standing
to attention they're all they're just
obedient because they're in fear
so that's the predominant traditional
parenting paradigm control based
hierarchical dogmatic and dominant and
then you
this woman comes in and she's creative
and she speaks from the soul and she
speaks their language and they suddenly
begin to peel away all their defenses to
emerge into who it is they are they
begin to fall in love the 16 year old
and the children begin to be mischievous
and they begin to touch who they what
their essence is so which one do you
want do you want the robot and the
puppet but you'll have silence
or do you want life and creativity but
you'll have chaos
yeah it's amazing reading your book the
thing that i think blew me away the most
a was how deep so as somebody who
doesn't have kids i just began to see
how much this impacts my own life and
how i can internalize the lessons and
really felt like it applied to
virtually everything i mean as you're
asking the parents to do the work anyway
right so it's really deconstructing
what's
what has been given to me what is true
to me what's the you know truest version
of myself in fact i'll ask that question
before where i was going how do you
identify or cultivate or whatever that
word is the truest version of yourself
sure but just to piggyback on what you
just said
my work seems to be about the variant
child relationship but it's really about
healing the the child within the parent
and in that respect it's for every human
being i will agree because every human
being is a child so it's in the under
the umbrella and the guys of the parent
wanting to pick up the book because it's
about the child but when they pick it up
and they realize this is about how they
have to yet confront who it is they
truly are so to your question how do you
develop the truest self well most of us
have been divorced from it
this is just the tragic truth for the
reasons i said we've been given a
prescription we've been raised through a
conditioned lens not a lens that truly
honors who it is we are so in order to
now recover that we have to peel back
the layers we have to undo all that has
been done to us so we have to
re-question all that we should have
never been given answers to and we
should have been allowed to discover on
our own such as who is god what is god
what is religion what is beauty what is
achievement what is success what is
truth right those questions those big
life questions should have been
led to us not given to us we should have
been led to discover them they should
not have been given to us packaged
because maybe they don't work for us and
it is through the discovery of those
answers that we discover who it is we
are and we discover our relationship
with the universe so we are robbing our
children of this valuable process by
handing them this list
all we need to do really is just to
guide them and the most essential thing
we need to do is discover those answers
for ourselves
and value the sovereign right to muddle
and fumble and stumble and mess up
because when we value it and see how
much it's given us
we let our children suffer we let our
children fumble because we know where
it's going to take them because we saw
where it took us
that was one of the things that really
made me fall in love with what you were
saying is that notion that
i get it i get you want to protect your
kids from pain but look at your own life
and the strength that you've developed
and the clarity that you gained from the
times that you fell down from the times
that you struggled
and i thought wow this by the way this
is the reason i don't have kids i'm
afraid i don't have the
ability to watch them suffer and that
was the final thing where i was like uh
this is the greatest lesson for parents
to realize the power of pain
and our desire to fix it for our
children and to control it because we're
trying to mitigate and control it for
ourselves but we've never been able to
but this is the universe's biggest
lesson you have to surrender life is
pain
life is unpredictable it's it's a
curveball it's a crapshoot it's an
adventure and if you don't live it
waking up every day saying maybe this is
the day i will fully give it all up and
change and start anew we're so afraid to
mold
the skin
we're so afraid so we'd much rather live
in the conformity of stagnancy you know
as long as we remain the same you know
it's much easier
but life is not that and our children
come kind of ready to be that ever
morphing you look at a child crying
biggest here is one moment and then
gleefully excited the next they have the
capacity to morph we rob them of this
capacity we stagnate we rigidify them
so we need to learn from them they live
in every moment present and whatever the
present moment asks they engage and then
they move to the next moment ready again
new beginner's mind you know so all
spiritual lessons of the mystics
are ever present in this potential of
this moment you know and our children
show us that we're just afraid pain is
the greatest teacher doesn't mean you
self
flagellate and self inflict it just
means you you don't hold yourself back
in the fear of it
you just live fully
right and the ultimate fear is that of
death right that's what we're warding
off you know but so what homelessness
jail or death i tell my parents you know
so is that those are the three fears
that your kid will be homeless end up in
jail and die now let's deconstruct those
i heard that first in a talk that you
gave and i was like literally in my mind
oh like she's gonna be okay with this
kid being homeless and then you're like
what's so bad about being homeless evil
right it was
fascinating well if that is their
destiny you you're not going to take
them there
you're not going to stop them either
so how do you steer them though because
any parent like that's where when they
don't see that you have
guidelines that you have the bedtime but
it's flexible you know all the things
you went over before but when they don't
see that and they hear it sounds
flippant right but i know that it's not
having been deep enough it sounds flip
because people come from the mind they
don't even understand what i'm talking
about till they begin to live it it
sounds
horrific okay it's a horror show for
somebody who's rule-bound who's that guy
and sound of music he was horrified by
her
right she had to work so hard breaking
down his defenses because he lives in
fear his paradigm is fear his life is
based on fear so for that parent this is
a horror show right but they're the ones
crippled in fear not me right so when i
show them that they're living in their
mind they're not here in the present
moment when you live in the present
moment more and more not everyone can
live 100
then you're deeply attuned to what it is
your child needs therefore you will have
guidelines but the guidelines are not
coming from someone else's rigid
definitions they're coming from they're
emanating from the moment if you're
deeply present to your child you will
know when your child needs to sleep you
will know your child doesn't like green
beans don't push them but give them
something else what do you do though if
the kid you know they need sleep like
you can see everything about it they do
need sleep the child will sleep there's
no child who will not sleep
right there is no child who will not
sleep you just what about the kid is
like fussy and crying and the parents
like they just need a nap but they
refuse right but there's a way so you
you know you you're going to give me
extreme exactly like they're there and
then that's right you're presented to me
that's what parents do but there's a way
to work with the kid you know they need
a nap but you know they're not ready so
you want to get them here but you can't
like yank them from the collar and
bludgeon them to that right you have to
find a way to to go you want to you
trust me you want to
you want to ask any parent i want like
go to sleep
that book why do you think that book
does so well right
it's because the worst thing is after
nine o'clock at night you can't deal
with a crying child after nine o'clock
at night right
and it's the child's fault really after
nine times
i would even say you know i'm like who
stays awake after nine like that's my
time right but um so that's why you
begin working on them from five o'clock
in the evening you know you can see a
glass of wine at nine and you have to
start at five you know you wear them
down slowly
but there's a way you work it through
what i'm saying is that these are not
minions you know you have you have to
come alive to the impossibility of
getting these beings to get on track
it's an impossibility the way to do it
is not through control the way to do it
to doing it is to enter the present
moment deeply connect and through that
connection the child will move they do
move children do want to be
connected and rested and well fed
they are just children
now deal with them right you know talk
to me when you say be in the present
moment does that be aware of what's
really going on don't be bringing the
past is this the
you talk about kids and parents living
in different time zones
is that that concept or is it something
else entirely well it's it's an uber
spiritual concept of learning to be here
right so you want your child asleep but
they're fussy so you can keep battling
it
or you can accept the as-is-ness of it
and now work with what you have it's the
parent who cannot accept the is-ness of
the now so your child is throwing a
raving tantrum
but you're imagining a quiet night
right and the discrepancy that's why i
say the clash of the time zones or the
clash of the fantasy versus the reality
right so the parent who's stuck in the
past or the future or the fantasy
simply will want to yell control and you
know lock their kid up
because they are the enemy who is
ruining my moment
versus understanding
this is the is-ness of your child now
enter that moment doesn't mean accept or
indulge accept that it is here it's not
that it's this now work with what you
have half of the battles are because we
don't want to accept our child is not
our fantasy
this is half the battle
the the main battle is my child is not
who i thought my child would be
either not a superstar soccer player a
fantastic pianist or obedient
genuflecting little servant you know
you said something in the book that and
i want to go over the myths because i
think they're like they stopped me dead
in my tracks because they're so raw
but you said something in the book was
like you actually the father was like a
really high achiever and you basically
said you actually don't accept your
child as average like if they're average
you have a problem with that right
and
that would be hard to take well for
overly successful ambitious
perfectionistic
anal
men and women
that was good it would be very hard but
the the problem reading it is he wanted
to believe that he did love and accept
his child as average and if i remember
right he like sort of really pushes back
against you and like don't be so absurd
of course i do yes
do people come around and finally
realize whoa like i don't and then i
don't want to lose this and the guilt
once they realize like
the the epiphany is like a floodgate of
guilt right so it's like
you know if i allow myself to have the
epiphany i have to feel however old my
kid is now i have to feel badly about
this and how do you help people so do
they have the epiphany yes and then how
do you help them through the flood of
guilt yeah
so the epiphany yes is married to guilt
so i often say when you know when i do
workshops if you're going to leave here
without guilt you haven't learned
anything so some amount of guilt is good
right i'm not talking about again
self-abnegation and shame i'm talking
about a healthy dose of oh my god
like i didn't know this and then quickly
to transform it into action and the
action being transformation you know not
wallowing in the guilt now and now being
in bed for the next three months so
most parents who are raised on a diet of
over achievement on doing on mine base
which is
the whole of the world now but
especially the western world
but catching up
greatly in the east
have a very hard time understanding that
their drive is not organic necessarily
but coming out of their inadequacy
their fear
their lack they've just been
indoctrinated to compensate for this and
they've never fully healed from their
encountering their ordinariness
and so when i say that that's what's
driving you and then they get in touch
with their little boy or little girl who
truly felt ordinary and not good enough
in that ordinariness
that's when the epiphany occurs so then
i make them see how it's now being
projected onto the child don't do this
to your child your child is okay and
whole in their ordinariness the child
doesn't need more to feel more of
themselves
they didn't come with this egoic desire
to attach to phds or labels or judgments
or wealth to feel themselves children
feel themselves just by who it is they
are they are this they have the simplest
access to wholeness we rob them of this
so yes the epiphany takes a while to
come around when it does then comes
guilt then comes transformation
it's a a pretty incredible process it's
a process it's a process and how how
much of this did you have nailed down
before you had your daughter and how
much of it has changed now that you've
you know spent more than a decade being
a parent
you know i thought i had it all nailed
down you know i thought i'd
deconstructed my ego because i had been
meditating and studying eastern
philosophy for
12 years before i had my child
but there's something about having your
own
is a special kind of mess up you know
you see it in a in a special way you
know you can see someone else's mess up
and you can commentate but when you see
it in yourself and i was horrified
i saw my own shadow not yet healed i saw
my ego and my desire and my fear
all fear just comes about that you
thought you had conquered but here it is
and now you're obsessed with your child
doing well and your child turning out
okay and the only drive
from the moment they're born is to get
them to a good school and then just get
them out of the house okay like it's
perverse right
every day it's just go to sleep and then
go to college like who are you going to
marry and how much money are you going
to make when you're 30 but then we're
missing the whole process of it
and
so i had not gotten it figured out and
when i saw my own raging ego which i
still see on a daily basis and my own
fears it's all fear-based
you know and i see parents plagued by
fear and we're not enjoying the
parenting process so i help mitigate
those fears and liberate them from their
fears
so one thing that and i'll pitch this to
the people watching at home one thing
you guys will see as you dive into her
world is she's always honest you're
always honest about like your own
foibles and
the difficulties in your relationship
and you'll use your daughter as examples
a lot which is
it makes it so accessible which is
really awesome and then it also brings
around to the reminder of who's doing
the work which ultimately is right right
right so
what what are techniques that any of us
can use to
figure that out to get in touch to
if we're going to because you've been so
successful i know you've worked very
very hard to get where you're at and
there and as somebody who's who i i
won't say also because maybe it's very
different for us both but i'm very
ambitious
and
at times in my life the process was ugly
there's no question
but then you know at times it's been
really beautiful and really fun and so
how do you
reconcile those things which if you were
to describe on paper wouldn't
necessarily sound
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being in touch with the true self like
how do you deconstruct that and make
sure you're on a good path i guess
well it's it's my commitment to this
work right i'm not doing this for
the ego or the achievement it comes it's
great
but i'm not fixated on it so my ultimate
point of it all
is to be authentic and to
uncover and deconstruct my own mind's
toxic toxicities so i can liberate
myself
because if i liberate
then only i have a hope to liberate help
liberate someone else do you have a
process for that and if you if it is
meditation like what form of meditation
it's also it's
largely meditative but not just checking
out of
intellect right using the intellect to
discern using wisdom
and the meditative process so constantly
deconstructing
what i'm going through if i'm triggered
i deconstruct so active deconstruction
but meditation really and uh it's
vipassana meditation that i do it's
insight meditation
inside insight okay it's in insight into
your true nature and are you trying to
create a quiet mental space to be able
to hear like intuitive thoughts yeah
it's uh really the most basic way of
meditating it's just bare bones it's
hardcore it's just you sit you follow
your breath and follow breath and you
follow your breath and there's a science
behind it and through the
witnessing of your breath in the present
moment in the present moment in the
present moment you learn to detach from
your thoughts and you realize the
impermanent nature of reality because
you realize your thoughts are
impermanent
and the now is impermanent so you begin
to live in the impermanence of the now
fully
so you realize the emptiness of the now
but you begin to live in the now even
more fully
and so if you
do you um follow your thoughts as they
come are you trying to quiet them no you
don't do anything you just stay on your
breath you only focus on your breath
and you're never not judgmental you're
never trying you're never striving
you're just watching everything you
develop the the witnessing eye you you
get in touch with your uh essence behind
the awareness the field of awareness
behind the doing self
so i got into meditation about three
years ago i don't know that it has a
name i call it just breathe meditation
that's great um i just do what you're
saying follow the breath i think of it
as trying to maximize the inherent
pleasure of each part of the breath
cycle which allows me to really focus on
the breath which
allows me then
because of the sort of biomechanisms at
play to get out of the sympathetic
nervous system into the parasympathetic
i'm calming my heart rate i'm slowing my
breathing i can really feel that sort of
deep diaphragm breath calm that you get
when you do it which is
um
very very effective for me
i bring that up because what the way
that that's been leverageable in my life
is in a business scenario when it um
anxiety is spiking like if i'm about to
give a talk or something um
every time i give a talk right before i
go on stage i meditate
and
that has been really really helpful for
me is that how you use it where it's
like as you're in a moment where the the
stress is you're arguing with your
daughter let's say right and how does
that training of being in the
impermanent now how does that like
manifest really in the moment yeah in
the in the now you've trained yourself
to to pause to go inward to detach to
step back to create a space and just
that um
immediately stops the blind reactivity
that children
bring out in you you know you allow them
to bring out in you so the the more the
gap the more the space the more the
creativity the more the compassion the
more the connection right that's really
interesting you're not just being led by
the past
led by the shoulds of life led by their
tantrum led by someone else's
unconscious you're able to discern okay
that person isn't their ego right now i
don't need to play
that makes a lot of sense all right
i
love your parenting myths i rarely like
take chunks out of something but these
were too good and i was like if i forget
i would be so upset
uh all right so first i'm just gonna
read through them all because i think
people are gonna be a little bit shocked
and then i wanna go a little bit deeper
into some of them so remember these are
myths she's saying these are not how it
should be uh so parenting myth number
one parenting is about the child
that was very surprising parenting myth
number two a successful child is ahead
of the curve that's a myth
number three there are good children and
bad children number four good parents
are naturals number five a good parent
is a loving one
that one i i literally reread twice i
was like wait a second so myth
it is a myth that a good parent is a
loving one definitely want to talk about
that
six parenting is about raising a happy
child equally shocking and seven parents
need to be in control all right let's
start with five because that was the one
that was just like a show stopper for me
so a good parent is a loving one why is
that a myth
because no one really loves
no one really truly loves anyone wow
everyone loves conditionally
and
the conditions are
need me can i need you can i depend on
you depend on me give me worth
don't let me go
make me happy satisfy me it's all about
me
to truly love someone
takes faculties that we haven't
developed yet
and least of all the parent
most love is conditioned control based
and fear-based it's all about the self
to love another
it takes evolution of unparalleled
proportion i don't i can't honestly say
i highest love my daughter
i try
most times i'm conditionally loving her
and she knows it and she detests it and
she pushes back
and she goes you're not seeing me this
is not about me this is about you
you know and then i love her less
[Laughter]
i love that you bring such a sense of
humor to this stuff what do people do
with that realization i think that's a
hard one for people it is hard but it
really busts the [ __ ] you know like
don't don't pretend you're loving your
kid you're loving yourself just say it
it's all you the parenting is all about
you it's about your ego your need your
desires it's all your show that guy with
the seven kids and sound of music it was
his you know it was his little movie
it was his show his movie so
we pretend we love our children and in
the name of love is all the tragedy in
the world
all the double suicides and murders and
this all in the name of love
but love is attachment that's attachment
it's not love
and all of us are attachment based
lovers not
high lovers
so what word would you put to and and
maybe you i can't imagine i really think
you agree with this i could be crazy but
what word would you put around that
beautiful connection that you have with
your daughter
in those moments when i'm out of my own
ego yeah once in a year
then it's high love i can touch hyla and
i touch it
in between no i think high love is high
love it's when you have released your
ego you have released the imperative of
the child following your way there's no
you in the in the in the we
it's truly loving the other for who it
is they are with no
you in the picture
they don't have to love you back they
don't have to need you they don't have
to agree with you they don't have to
adhere to you
now try loving your child or another
yeah do you thi this is just interesting
it's it's sort of tangential to this but
what if i came to you and i said i'm not
sure if i should have kids
how do you help people think through
that
i'll be
i'll applaud you
for not having kids yes for thinking
about it for taking it seriously for
stopping and pausing and going am i
conscious enough to do this
you think
all of us should have had kids i
shouldn't have had a kid when i had a
kid i shouldn't i was not conscious i
was just checking off my list i was
using my future kid
right i imagined her her name wanted a
her i mean it was all predestined
already she had no shot
to be a her own human being so if a
parent comes to a pre-parent comes to me
and says i'm thinking i'm like oh this
is genius let's stop let's really take a
pause couple decades
like don't rush don't rush
don't rush why are you having a kid and
i would seriously question
because why are we having kids really
we're only having children mostly to
fulfill our egoic need to feel complete
to live a fulfilled life for ourselves
so when you become conscious the most
conscious parent is a non-parent
wow you're a conscious parent
or at least
recognizing enough that that i haven't
messed any kid up yet you know how
right all the parents in this room have
we've already messed our kids up and
that's okay too
if we understand it's for the service of
evolution
don't just keep messing up because
you're the parent and you have a right
you have no unmitigated right your
rights need to be taken away
you know you need to be on a path of
awakening
to what you're putting on to your kid if
you're teaching them fear teaching them
hatred teaching them racism bigotry
xenophobia that is a sin it's a crime
right because now you're perpetuating
what we have in this world
you're contributing to violence
you don't realize it but you just did
just by telling your kid your religion
is better than another religion now
you've contributed to separate just
thinking and violence
you have to be that careful
your child's psyche is in your hands
you know i think it was plato or
aristotle i usually give the credit to
plato one of these days i will actually
look this up that said the only
impossible job is raising a child yeah
and that was the quote that really began
my thought process of
i think i'm good
but i don't think i'm that good right
like i don't think i can avoid the what
i always saw as the butterfly effect
yeah of it's it's something that i say
married to something that a kid in
school says
you know married to being embarrassed
one day because something happens and
and it spirals out of control you were
conscious of your limitations and the
grandiosity that most parents have that
don't make them think of their
limitations
you know you don't have that
we have a grandiosity it's narcissistic
to think that we can raise another being
when we haven't raised ourselves
we haven't done any work on ourselves
right i tell parents if you did not go
into the jungles and live one year in
solitude contemplating who it is you are
you have no business bringing a kid into
the world i didn't do that either but
but have been doing since because i see
the irreparable damage i've been causing
by my own consciousness
so uh so one of the other myths is um
six parenting is about raising a happy
child that's a myth so
i
so i have a firm belief which i am very
open by the way to being changed i was
changed by by researching it i'll be
very honest
and
one of the things though that i still
hold on to is that the game you're
playing it's not success it's not money
it's neurochemistry and that there is a
state of
even deep fulfillment i think is
transient
it doesn't just once you have it you
have it forever i think that there are
times like you called it high love so
like high love there are times that you
touch it and it's overwhelmingly
beautiful and so in those moments you
know i'm on a good path in greek they
say segol romo so it's like i'm i'm on a
good path and i get that sometimes with
fulfillment where i'm like okay like i i
have fallen on my face more than i care
to admit emotionally with thinking i was
chasing the right thing only to find out
i'm totally miserable so this can't be
right and then there are times where
i've corrected course and really gone
through
fairly significant periods of man i i
feel i feel fulfillment
so
that has become like my north star when
i talk to people i'm like look the game
you're playing is brain chemistry you
want to feel a deep and as lasting as
possible sense of fulfillment
what is that for you if it isn't
if it isn't happiness what is it
it's
to be present to your now
completely good better and different
whatever the now is that you have
brought into your own existence
teaching
the principle of cause and effect like
you have causes that bring out the
effect
you know eckhart tolle actually put
something on your jacket cover didn't he
that's what i thought so
for anybody that doesn't know eckhart
tolle has a book the power of now
which
all of that comes crashing on me as you
say that so yeah
so
his work and my work tries to enter the
present moment with a
full-on acceptance of
engaging with whatever shows up
i will engage in the is-ness of this
moment
it sounds cavalier and just whimsical
but really it's not because if every
moment is aligned and deeply engaged
with
chances are the next moment will be
aligned
right you won't go too of course
because each moment you are
shooting for authenticity so
authenticity will breed more
authenticity it won't breed some crazy
person in 10 minutes right chances are
you'll stay on course
right you'll ask the right questions in
a prevalent way in a perverse a
pervasive way you'll stay on course and
what does this look like so um let's
carry it out and somebody gets really
good at that but they're still
on the pta board and they have to work
and it can be a pain in the ass
sometimes and like the sort of highs and
lows is it just that they're less prone
to riding those dramatic waves and so
there's a
more
even keel in the moment i'm present and
i experience you in fact you do this
beautiful job of describing like a child
can be entranced by a leaf right they
just get lost in that moment and that is
that it like that the ability to
recapture
being so present that you can experience
beauty and simplicity for lack of a
better way to say well i think it's
being in touch with the transcendent uh
in every moment so whether you're
scrubbing dishes or changing
diapers
you are in touch with the with the
transcendent of this moment what does
that mean because transcendence sounds
like the opposite of the now right it's
like not in the nap it means that while
you're in the now of this life form
you know cleaning dishes you're aware
that you are more than this right you
are
you are this and then something else you
are this energy this life force this
essence this awareness so
staying in touch with that
what is nature what is our divinity the
flow as you're talking about
then that allows you to live in the life
based form attachments with ease then
you're in the traffic jam
and you're not losing your [ __ ] because
you are in the you are you understand
that this is just the play of life this
is just the player form
you you have a transcendent
understanding that you are not in a car
really in a traffic jam you're not
identifying with that you're greater
you're larger you're more expansive than
that so always being in touch with that
magnificent transcendence of life and
your divinity
right so when you're on the pta board or
when you're in the traffic jam to be
connected to nature to be to breathe to
recognize that you are you are beyond
this car
being in touch with that element which
children are in touch with
brings about a transcendent quality to
life
talk a little bit about what you said as
to why pursuing happiness is actually a
trap because when you pursue anything
it means you don't have it already so
when you don't have something already
you're in lack you cannot
pursue
abundance from lack
like i said it's only the moment now
will create the next moment and the next
moment creates the next moment so if
you're in lack pursuing striving hungry
craving then you're going to you may
obtain something you may get to the
buffet table but then you're going to
devour it you won't be mindfully
enriched by it right it won't be the
jewel at the end of the the search it'll
be you know you're you're ravenous and
rapacious you'll miss out on the joy of
the process of eating mindfully so only
abundance begets abundance
so pursuing happiness is a misnomer it's
like it's it's a it's an absolute
counter intuitive
misbelief it can never work they cannot
go together
it's and its happiness itself is
misunderstood right for me it's the
fullness of being engaged in this
present moment whatever shows up so when
you're here and you're fully accepting
of this moment
then you're accepting of the next moment
and you're not looking for anything
you're full in the now
right if your plane
is delayed and you're stuck on the
tarmac that's your now now be here now
right you wanted a you envisioned a
fabulous harmonious peaceful serene day
on the beach but your child has diarrhea
and all you're doing is changing diapers
well that's your now
now engage with it and then watch the
waves but engage with that
right i mean
this is more what life is is the
ordinariness the muckiness the messiness
but we have to infuse it with the
transcendent
much to my shock horror and dismay i
have to get to my last question now but
first where can these guys find you
online on my website dr shefali.com they
can visit me at my
events i have events all over the place
and i'm having one in long beach
california where i gather parents
together and
not not just parents children of parents
adult children right all of us are that
right and we we rise together to heal
and understand how to break down and
deconstruct all what culture has put on
us
awesome all right my last question yes
what's the impact that you want to have
on the world
to
elevate parental consciousness because i
believe that is the
core of disease
nice and easy dr shafali thank you so
much
all right boys and girls i am telling
you this is somebody you're going to
want to read everything she's written
watch all of her talks it is
unbelievable it's the consistency that i
want you to see just when you think haha
that question will get her she's got an
answer for it it is absolutely
fascinating it was a journey and that is
the highest compliment that i can pay
anybody when i've done research is that
they've taken me on a journey and made
me rethink some of the most fundamental
things in my life absolutely incredible
whether you adopt it all or it just
makes you rethink your paradigm it
doesn't matter it it is intriguing it is
important and it she has her finger on
the exact right questions that you need
to be asking whether you're a parent or
not i'm not and i found this stuff
taking me to an absolutely
engrossing fascinating place
i am truly mortified that this interview
has come to an end and hopefully we will
be able to get her back on at some point
that would be incredible guys she will
change you if you let her alright it's a
weekly show if you haven't already be
sure to subscribe and until next time my
friends be legendary take care
thank you guys so much for watching and
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you