Kind: captions
Language: en
what is up everybody wel
wel wel everybody it's so good to have
you uh welcome to another edition of
Facebook live Q&A and before we go too
hard I have to say that today is impact
Theory co-founder Lisa Billy's birthday
big up big up Lisa yay make sure you
share all the birthday love and social
yes that would be amazing hit her up
fory
fory and yeah yeah now without further
Ado I don't know what just happened you
struggling I'm having a stroke literally
right now it's happening are we going to
introduce a special guest that is
amazing okay this is like special all
the way from London all the way from
London is a one the one the only the
only Diana
lus come on and you have to kind of like
duck down a little bit sadly but this
mom responsible for the lovely woman yes
the birthday girl what is up who's
hiding behind the
camera oh she's got a secret shirt on
that she doesn't want to reveal yet so
there's so manyet but uh there we have
it but this this woman is amazing and
she watches the content at all times so
she is very much an active part of the
community here and has been an incred
incredible mother-in-law to me I cannot
thank you enough not only for that but
for this amazing birthday girl here
today and as Diana and I were talking
about earlier she was the one really
that did all the hard work so she
deserves a little bit of the glow of the
celebration so there it is all right
well thank you for joining us so good to
have you it's like now she's on the
other side of the screen yes now the
only catch is I will warn everybody out
there watching should you ever get the
wondrous opportunity to meet Diana don't
you dare call her
sweetheart that's that's a tip I've
learned I've learned from
experience I didn't make the mistake but
I was there when somebody else did and
it was it was pretty legendary that's
awesome that's hilarious yes all right
so we have like a whole bunch of
questions that came in through the
connect inbox so we're going to kick it
off from uh fana like originally on
YouTube but he sent it over to the
connect box um
he wants you to do a whole episode about
you know selft talk and tackling that
but like let's just dive into the
question really quick um so when did you
first become aware of your selft talk
and how did it and how long did it take
for you to master it and get
results I I don't know when I became
aware of my self talk in the beginning
to be honest I'm going to
guess certainly becoming aware of
obsessive thoughts in say middle school
high school about things that like oh
God like I wish I could stop thinking
about this that kind of thing uh but it
really wasn't
until
um probably my early 20s that I really
started to think I bet the way that you
like the things that you think about all
the time are important to pay attention
to and that was as I really began to
read and start thinking about
self-development and coming in contact
with Tony Robbins and all of that sort
of happened in my early 20s that was
when I I really started to get a grip
but it wasn't until I started having the
breakthroughs about self-esteem and
stuff like that that it really took
center stage in my life got it and then
was there a second part to that that um
how long did it take to master and get
results oh well so those are two very
different questions um it takes you're
going to start getting results literally
the minute that you do it it's like
meditation there is right then in the
the moment your selft talk is going to
impact your brain chemistry so even if
you're terrible at it even if you've
never done it before the moment you
start like reframing something which is
probably the most powerful place to
start like to ask a question how is the
worst thing that ever happened to me the
best thing that ever happened to me and
not like in an empty way to really go
through and think about like okay what
are positive things that actually came
out of this so reframing isn't isn't
lying to yourself it's actually looking
at so take stepen talking right so um
has a just degenerative crippling
disease and loses all function of his
body so literally he has one muscle in
his cheek that he can move and then his
eyes that's it so for him to be able to
really break down in his own life like
how has this been useful and he said
that for sure he would not have had the
impact on physics that he's had if he
hadn't lost the use of his body and that
he wasn't taking his education very
seriously he was obviously always very
smart and so things came easily to him
and so because of that he never really
was putting in the effort he sort of
flitted about and he said that he was
you know sort of one of the lads out
drinking all the time and um as he began
to lose the functions in his body he
realized a he thought he was going to
die very very young and so he had this
tremendous sense of time pressure and
then secondly there was nothing else for
him to do like he couldn't go out and
play and walk and ride a bike like all
the things that so many of us take for
granted he just couldn't do any of those
and so instead of focusing on all the
things that it had taken away from him
he really started to think like whoo
because of this like it's forced me to
go internal it's forced me to develop a
very profound sense of imagination to do
experiments essentially entirely in my
mind and because of that obsessive Focus
I'm now actually making use of my
potential and so that's like I mean look
everyone knows my obsession if you watch
impact Theory the main show you know you
know I am freakishly obsessed with this
notion of actually expressing your
potential doing something with it and
oddly enough as he lost potential in one
area of his life it forced him to
massively express it in another area and
so that to me is reframing that's really
looking at okay this thing that clearly
is the worst thing that's ever happened
to him but it it gave him so much and so
if he focus focuses on that then it like
from a neurochemical standpoint right
there in the moment would be
transformative and that's something that
I think um you know I would have gotten
benefit from right away as I began to
reframe and relook at things um and then
how did I master it over time or how
long did it take me to master it over
time honestly I still believe that
there's so much more for me to do that
um I don't I don't think of having
mastered it I definitely think that it's
become useful for me and I've gotten a
grip on it enough to really um use it to
accomplish goals
um but there's a massive gap between me
and
Mastery right and I feel like you know
monitoring your self talk is just like
an ongoing thing because it never really
stops um very true yeah so our next
question comes from Dan brro Dan brro so
I've been looking at ways to build my
self-confidence within certain
situations and be 100% myself I know
it's my adrenaline going into overdrive
which is forming my feelings of
anxiousness or nervousness I find it
hard to overcome this feeling when it
kicks in I'm finding that it starts to
hold me back what uh what ways would you
work on this so that I can always be
myself yeah so um the what's happening
is you're kicking into flight or fight
response and so you need to practice
getting out of that so step number one
is meditate it is a great way on a daily
basis to um learn to deescalate your
anxiety by breathing in through your
nose out through your mouth diaphragm
breathing breathing um so for instance
whenever I give a talk um I get very
anxious and so I have to like if you see
me and I'm about to give a talk
inevitably you're going to find me
sitting on a chair somewhere with my
eyes closed breathing in through my nose
and out through my mouth right so um in
fact you and I when we were at um hustle
con thank you when we were at hustle con
um they came and I was scheduled to go
on in like 2 hours or something and they
came out and they're like actually Tom
you're going up in like 10 minutes and I
was like whoo normally I not normally I
prefer to have like a good hour to
really like get myself in a particular
place a mindset to just get everything
um in the right place didn't have that
no big deal but I immediately excused
myself from the auditorium and I went
and found a place to sit down and I just
started meditating just to like put
myself in a nice calm creative state um
so I could go do that and and I can do
that rapidly because I've practiced it
as much as I have so I'm practicing that
and then man this is going to sound
weird but like one of the things that
I've gotten out of video games
firstperson Shooters I should say it's
very specific one thing I've gotten out
of first-person shooters is you get
yourself into these very intense moments
and by doing it over and over and over
you learn to recognize like that moment
where everything is kicking off and
force yourself to like get out of fight
ORF flight get into rest and Digest so
you're moving from the sympathetic
nervous system to the parasympathetic
nervous system practicing what are the
things that allow you to do that and
oddly enough when I'm in a video game
scenario I don't change my breathing but
I really do force myself to relax to not
let there's a sense of things speeding
up and to not let that happen and it's
um I actually have a hard time
describing what that moment is like what
it is that I'm doing but I literally
just say to myself calm like you know
you know just relax and in that in doing
that like the physiological responses
all sort of happen through the autonomic
system so I give myself the command to
calm to stay calm and I can just feel
myself relaxing but I there is a part
where you want to remain fast and that's
the ability to assess the situation so
taking in all the stimulus without it
becoming overwhelming and because
firstperson Shooters when you're playing
against real people there's a sense of
like this
you don't want to lose and then also
just there's so much stimulus coming at
you multiple people usually attacking
you at one time it's the only time in
life I found where I can practice a
something where it's so heightened but
at the end of the day you're not going
to um you know fall on your face while
giving a speech or something that that
has sort of grander Echoes um and can be
replicated over and over and over so you
could do you know you could play 20 30
rounds in a single single day and so you
get to practice this over and over and
over so and then like if speaking is
something that you're having trouble
doing you can go to Toast Master
something like that that just really
practicing it over and over and over
whatever it is that you want to get good
at if it's social situations make sure
that you're going out three or four
times a week like whatever that is just
practice it a lot makes sense all right
hopefully that helped Dan all right so
our final question before we dive into
the Facebook live questions because
those are coming in quick um this one
comes from Laura K she's uh she wants us
both to answer this question uh what's
your advice on dealing constructively
with low self-esteem around one's
physical appearance especially if being
attractive quote unquote is a factor
that will affect that person's success
in achieving their goals for example a
professional model or a leading lady
actress suddenly struggling with severe
acne attract attractiveness is
subjective of course but let's say it's
a sliding scale from Angelina Jolie to
Gollum that that is an amazing sliding
scale right uh yeah this is this is real
and this is terrifying since we all age
and ultimately beauty is going to fade
for everybody even those that have it
and some people never were blessed
necessarily with that um but I'm a big
believer in whatever package you're
giving given to make the most of it
right and so and I am very very aware as
I've spent more and more time in front
of the camera like I'm very very aware
of how the way that any person looks
affects the people looking at it now I
think you can transcend it and I think
you can get so good that ultimately it
doesn't matter but at the end of the day
like there have been times where I've
seen guys that I just think are like
deadly handsome and I'm like I could
take over the world if I had my mind and
their looks uh that has crossed my mind
many many times
um but I think that it is a very
dangerous game
to focus on something that you like you
can change it a little but then there's
a point at which you can't safely um
change it anymore so at that point
there's a great quote I think it's by
Plato there's two things you should
never worry about the things you can't
change and the things you can right so
um change your looks as much as you can
like whether that's just getting in
shape whether that's um wearing your
hair in a way that's flattering finding
a style that's flattering for you um do
all those things a great example of this
is the um how am I blanking on his name
he's a former guest uh Neil Strauss so
Neil Strauss the guy that wrote the game
where he had no game with women he was
uh short he was going bald like just
really felt like he a little bit maybe
CH I can't remember if he's a little
chubby maybe it was but anyway he felt
like he had a lot of things going
against him in the visual realm and he
shows a picture of himself and then
shows a picture of himself once he says
I'm going to take this seriously I'm
going to do everything I can within sort
of My Universe shaves his head
completely bald I think he may have
changed the way he was wearing his
facial hair either went from Context to
glasses or the other way around I can't
remember but like the the night and then
started caring about the way that he
dressed the night and day difference
from what he looked like when he was
like oh I don't care to like no I'm
going to take this seriously was
Insanity so there's so much anyone can
do to just like package whatever you
have well and I think to pretend that
that's not a thing to say like oh people
should just love me for who I am sure
but that like denies the truth of The
Human Condition so we are wired to
perceive things in a certain way
symmetry we find beautiful like across
cultures like there's just things um
that we find attractive so do your best
to package it up once you get to the
point where okay there's not anything
more that I can do there that I'm
willing to do then you have to switch
over
into I just don't care anymore about
about it and what are going to be the
things that I'm going to build my
self-esteem around it's you know not
going to be looks it's going to be
whatever um so if I were to come down
with a crippling case of acne I'll be
the first to tell you it would suck I
wouldn't enjoy it and then I would
immediate I would do everything I could
to deal with it and then I would
immediately move on to building my
self-esteem around something else um and
that's critical recognizing that what
you build your self-esteem around is a
choice so I like to believe step
Hawkings coming up a lot today I like to
believe that Stephen Hawking has massive
self-esteem even though
like because of the deterioration of his
body I doubt he takes a lot of pride in
his physical appearance so it's it
really is just deciding what you're
going to Value yourself for um but it's
actually like I think meaningful to not
pretend that the other things aren't
real um so that you do make the most of
that as well yeah I mean and a lot of it
does come from like a place of self-love
like even in like the little pieces that
you can find to love so
um yeah and like beauty is one of those
weird things that like goes in and out
like Trends cuz I feel like in the '90s
it was like be super skinny and like
wave thin and super pale all that and
then now it's like everyone wants to be
tan everyone wants to be like strong and
curvaceous and the the standards of
beauty are always evolving and changing
and
so I guess you kind of have to do what
you can with what you have
and then everything else kind of starts
from a place of like inside so you know
building your confidence about your
skills and becoming an actress or
whatever the case may be and also in
terms of acne I mean I'm a skincare
junkie so I like take care of my skin
like crazy so if you need any help just
you know hit me up on the DM and I'll
like share all of my knowledge with you
uh to the point that you're just like
wow can you stop um and that was the
choice that I made because I don't
really like wearing a lot of makeup so I
was like I'll take care of my skin to
the point that I feel like I don't need
makeup because you know in your teens
you go through acne and hormones and all
these different things that you're
uncomfortable with and then you kind of
have to start ignoring it and like you
said refocusing on what you what your
strengths are what you can do or what
actually moves you towards your goals so
I mean like a great example of this was
I was always is taller than everyone
like from a young age and so for me I
was like oh this is really weird like on
the playground I'm like beating all the
boys and faster than them I'm stronger
than some of them that's like super
weird but those are the kind of things
that kind of led me to become a really
great athlete was I appreciated the fact
that I was strong and I could get fit
really quick and I was fast and you know
I took that to the lacrosse field and
you know those were the legs that helped
me score goals not the ne necessarily
you know they weren't the classically
attractive legs at the time but now
everyone really wants like strong
muscular legs so it's like maybe just
wait on your
cycle but yeah so that's kind of my two
scents nice I dig it all right so this
next one comes from Joe Cross in the
feed Tom I'm super stoked for the moment
you start producing content around the
hero's journey what are you looking for
when it comes to help uh when it comes
to helping create or produce um what's
your plan of bringing people into the
process that's an awesome question and
Joe has been really more than anybody in
our community has really been engaged
sort of behind the scenes like asking
questions like this and finding out ways
that he can um help which is very
appreciated thank you man um basically
what we're going to be doing is uh
trying to bring creatives together in
what we're calling impact house so
literally um holding here I I'll walk
you through sort of how I see it in my
fantasy land we're going to be holding
some writing competitions U maybe some
short film competitions but definitely
writing competitions uh where the the
process is meant to help us identify
people that have skill and um I don't
believe that that's something that
you're born with but we really like this
isn't just um and I'll put it more
bluntly it's not designed to be a
mentorship program it's meant to find
people that actually have been putting
in the work and are actually good at
storytelling and there's going to be two
ways we go about it they going to be
ideas that we have that we want to
incubate at impact house um and uh our
strategy is to start with comic books
because it gives us a chance to build
community um but we're certainly open to
um also books as well but serialized
things are very very meaningful for
building Community I also think that
we're living through the Golden Age of
television and so things that are
serialized by Nature I think is is more
powerful right now than film making um
as sort of a oneand done but we're also
going to be um doing those as well but
our primary focus will be um finding
things that are serialized so bringing
writers in having a contest that has a
financial incentive at the end of it so
uh you know top three people get money
whatever that's going to look like but
the goal would be to find more than
those three people that we can really
bring into the ecosystem that we can
partner up with um artists and start
putting out comic books so that's going
to be step one our plan is to absolutely
own ComicCon 2018 um I I've talked about
it so much here I can't remember if I've
talked about it on camera but uh
ComicCon was just an amazing experience
for me and by the way if we have any
writers or uh artists in the feed don't
hesitate to um get ready to submit your
artwork don't submit it yet uh we're
working on the legal side of that it's
obviously very complicated cuz we're
inous developing ideas and so legally
you have to tell people like hey the
chances are that we've already developed
an idea that's similar to yours blah
blah blah anyway so competition meeting
the writers and artists that we're going
to need to bring in we'll break them
into teams we some will basically we'll
present here are the ideas that we want
to move forward and anybody that
gravitates towards one of those ideas
then can run with it and then people
that have their own ideas that they want
to incubate um we would be looking for
them to do that on their own and then um
if they want to present the finished
work then we're all for that um or if
they would like to pitch the idea and
get it approved as one that we will
officially incubate then we're open to
that as well so that's sort of how that
process will work um I believe there's
no substitute for proximity and we're
very much trying to create a um a Cadre
of creatives that are working and
developing this stuff so we actually
want people that have been vetted uh
coming here to to the house and
developing their projects and meeting a
couple times a week uh to be a part of a
collective of other artists that um
understand what our uh mission is from a
um ideological standpoint that's very
very important to us and I think is how
we're going to make a name for ourselves
is everything will be consistent all
right uh I could go into more detail on
that I'll stop there I think there's a
better format for that kind of sort of
Deep dive on that stuff but that's a
nutshell over yeah look out for
information definitely put that stuff on
our website or the impact Theory League
those two places we kind of announce
things like that definitely um so just
shout out to Jim quick really quick in
the feed Jim is in the house what is up
your shirt he's like You' got to know
you've got to know that I think of Jim
when I wear shirts like this so oh man I
really want to remember Jim I just met
somebody oh this was at that super
secret thing if you're not already what
is with all the but these are like fun
Secrets but if you're not already in the
newsletter I talk about this in the
newsletter go to impact theory.com right
now sign up for the newsletter um I talk
about a super secret thing that I went
to this was so weird th this was
actually kind of amazing so imagine
getting a letter that goes something
like you've been invited to a secret
meeting of
influencers and you come to this
location do not give people your name do
not tell them what you do don't tell um
don't ask about what they do um what
else was there if you recognize somebody
famous do not acknowledge that you
recognize them just keep going um if you
RSVP that you're coming and you don't
come you'll never be invited again if
you RSVP that you're coming and you're
late you won't be allowed in and you'll
never be invited again and but but
that's it and this is the time in the
place show up and Jim one of the people
there knew who you were um and they were
raving about you they knew that you'd
been on the show as well which was cool
it was just it was an amazing experience
I cannot disclose the people that were
there it was absolutely incredible I was
so mortified that my wife was sick
because she didn't get a go it was
awesome it was awesome it was
like yeah it was awesome it was really
cool I had a great time uh it made me
want to do things like that I love stuff
like that oh man it was so cool love
stuff like that it was really really
really neat uh there's some amazing
people out there in the world that you
just you literally like some of the
random things that people did oh and
they make you guess so you spend like a
couple of hours with people and then you
have to guess like what they do for a
living and the guesses were hilarious
and then the truth was like wo that's so
interesting uh but but it was amazing
that's fun yeah amazing so but anyway
Jim you were there you you weren't there
but you were being talked about very
positively uh so Jim is everywhere he's
one of those guys that like a he knows
everybody and then everybody knows him
it's yeah fascinating good stuff love
some Jim anyway so best way to be shout
out to Jim all right so this one comes
from Leah or
Lee Marshall one of the two hey Tom in a
past episode of relationship Theory you
said you ignored Lisa for the first
month and a half that was and that was
necessary can you explain what you mean
and why um and Lisa said that that was
attractive whereas I feel attracted to
guys who pursue me can you elaborate on
the psychology and the biology there
yeah for sure so I'm I'll start with my
absolute shock I would need so much more
clarity because I if we were sitting
together and I could scratch at that I'm
really attracted to guys that purum me
thing it's going to fall apart and the
reason I think it's going to fall apart
goes back to sexual market value so
let's play a game you get in a room and
everybody has a card that you draw
randomly from the deck you don't know
what your card is you fix it to your
head facing out so you can't see it but
everyone else in the group can does that
make sense M so you're walking around
you could be a two you could be an ace
right ace is high and your job in that
environment is to convince the person
with the highest card to be your partner
so that's what everybody's doing right
so let's say that I was a two and you
were an Ace and I'm like hey Cindy it's
so great to meet you like I'd really
like to be your partner and you're like
oh my God that'd be so cool I just want
to mingle a little bit more and like get
to and then I'm like oo okay well I'm
not an ace like I get that maybe I'm not
even a king uh oh and so as I start to
go around like I begin to recognize sort
of where I fall and finally I get to the
person who's a four and they're like hey
no oh my God so good to see you like and
then we and I'm like oh man like I'm low
I don't know if I'm a six a five a two
like but I know sort of like four is
what I can get basically so I think
there's there is a signal that when
you're pursuing somebody that the person
goes oh okay well I'm certainly on with
them am I a little bit more and I don't
this is one of those like I don't want
it to be this way which is why my
opening strategy was always to write
poetry and show up with
flowers it just didn't work and so
clearly the the active pursuing and I
will say that at this point you guys
know a little bit about me so I wasn't
like falling over myself I wasn't gross
about it but I was if I was interested
in somebody I was not trying to play
games I was just hey I'm interested like
here it is uh I think it's a a neat part
of the courtship ritual to show up with
flowers uh I'm not writing in the poem
that I love you and I would die without
you it's nothing like that it's like
something that explains like what it is
that I find interesting about you and
and that's it um so I mean and and I
start by saying that you guys know
enough about me at this point to know
hopefully I I have enough self-awareness
I would know like if if I were coming on
like oh my God you're the greatest thing
ever and when I look in your eyes I get
lost and I fantas it's not like that
like it was legitimately just something
trying to express like hey there are
unique qualities about you that I really
found interesting and so it was like
that and even that wasn't getting me
anywhere and so it really was me going
to somebody who was very successful with
women and I asked what do you do and he
said I'm a jerk and then I was like that
can't be and so I started breaking that
down and what became apparent to me was
he's confident and so and oh wow I don't
remember what song this is from or maybe
it's from a
movie I know exactly what it's from it's
from Four Christmases have you seen it I
don't I don't know this sums up a part
of courtship that I did not understand
and that once it clicked I was like oh
my God that makes so much sense so in
the very beginning of the movie Vince
vongh and um re wither spoon they're
actually married but they do this thing
where they pretend they don't know each
other and they go through like they play
these characters and stuff but you as
the viewer don't realize my wife scaming
out of the background they they uh you
don't realize as The Watcher that
they're married so you just see like
Vince Von come up and he's making a move
and he's like a little unconfident but
he's very complimentary and literally
doing all the things that I would have
done and she says Kent I'm going to stop
you right there and she goes in like
this whole diet tribe she's like you've
done everything right on on paper you've
been nice you've shown an interest in me
you complimented me but I want somebody
whose hand doesn't shake when he sticks
it up my
blouse and I was like yeah [ __ ] yeah I
fully get it
and that was where I was stuck at that
point at some point in my life where it
was you're not approaching somebody with
confidence and so at the end of the day
people respond to confidence so that
once I learned like I was not willing to
be a jerk that doesn't like honestly
being a jerk I'd rather be single like
that's just not interesting to me so
there was no way that I was going to do
that but once I understood okay like I
get it you want somebody who's confident
you want somebody who's secure in
themselves the like what that would
trigger from an evolutionary perspective
When selecting a mate like think about
you're on the Savannah man you don't
know if you're going to eat like put
yourself in that space and now it's like
okay am I going to align myself with
this person are they going to be able to
help me have a child that's going to
survive are they going to be able to
help me have a child that's not just
going to survive but it's going to
thrive are they going to be able to help
me raise that child are they going to be
able to like from both sides of the
equation right like you want somebody
who's confident
and that is why being pursued
like hard can work if there's a sense
that this person can take or leave it
right like once I pursued her then I was
pursuing her and it literally our
courtship in a nutshell when something
like this I ignored her in the sense
that I didn't show any interest it
wasn't like I wasn't talking to her she
was one of my students uh so we had
interactions school for adults school
for adults thank you uh we had
interactions so it wasn't like she had
nothing to go off it just I did not
display any interest I wanted to show
indifference I can take it or leave it
but then when I decided to make a move I
wanted to show I'll be honest not only
confidence but dominance and so one day
we were um on the back lot she was
filming something she was about to leave
and I said where do you think you're
going sit your ass down in a fun way
with a big smile on my face all that and
she sat down now at that moment if she
had said
like yeah whatever and turned away and
walked off then it would have been okay
I played my card it didn't work and I
wouldn't have pursued her but because
she literally as if her knees collapsed
sat down and then I was like okay so
that worked right like that's something
that she responds to so but then it was
like I want her to see that I'm
interested not too interested and the
funny thing is I actually think that we
we think what happened next is different
and I was just tell you the Gods on this
truth I started to panic because I had
asked her out essentially told her to
sit her ass down in front of other
people in her class and I started to
worry that man if I take this girl out
and it's perceived as a date cuz she
wanted me to go out with her whole group
and I was like if I go and it's
perceived that I went to sort of be with
her on a date like this could end really
badly so I was exhausted I just went
home and went to bed and I didn't call
her as she had asked me to do and part
of me knew like okay that's not the end
of the world that I'm not calling her
but I didn't do it to be smooth I did it
because I was worried about losing my
job so that's the truth now did it work
to my advantage because she thought I
was being like Oh my God he really
doesn't care like maybe but the the
truth was I was just worried and then
then I finally ask her out when I can go
with just her and I have the cover of
it's a friend's movie and she's at film
school and I'm a film teacher so it's
like if this really turns turns out to
be a disaster I could be like I don't
even understand why she thought it was a
date right so all of that setup worked
out very very well um but that's why
going back to the card example on the
forehead that's why you don't want to
like overly pursue and if you do decide
to commit then you have to continue to
do it from a place of confidence it has
to be seen that you could take it or
leave it so if I had gotten a negative
signal from her I would have immediately
backed off not to protect my ego because
that's the only way that I could ever
then reapo her again in the future if
something presented itself she would
need to know that she gave me a no so it
was a no so I'm I'm off to the next
thing like your loss right and you've
got to build back up that sense of why
isn't he paying attention to me in order
to make it
work I will say
this know what your goal is and it
really winds me up when people are like
I don't play games okay well then you're
ignoring a fundamental part of the human
condition is what it is so yeah I don't
get that
I'm my Intrigue with Tinder culture
continues to grow like the more I see
that come across on Reddit the more I'm
just like the the game isn't set up
right I don't know what I would do
because thankfully I'm not in a position
where I ever have to think about it but
I don't know what I would do but when I
see the mistakes that not even the
mistakes like what do you do when
how do you come up with a unique opening
line when all people get all day long is
opening lines opening lines opening
lines like right you've removed like the
so many elements like all the things
that I just detailed with my now wife
none of those would have been possible
like how do you show confidence and sort
of indifference at the same time you
reached out you sent the message uh I
don't envy people that have to deal with
Tinder culture I would just say that all
right I'll stop there I mean and there
there are so many different apps now so
like does it really matter what do you
mean does it really matter cuz like you
can so you can choose to be on Tinder
knowing like they're they probably have
the biggest audience but there's more
likelihood that you're going to get like
the weird creepy people cuz like there
was one time I redownloaded my Tinder
and I just I and I literally saw this
dude's messages and I was like I need to
get off of here this is why I left in
the first place um but then there's
Bumble which like the girl reaches out
and you have 24 hours to respond and
like make a connection then there's like
hinge there's the league there's Okay
Cupid
there's it's yeah you can kind of like
select now too and then match if you're
older and you're actually serious I
guess about
dating so I don't yeah it's inter and
then real
life that's another option too yeah cuz
there's still a lot of people who aren't
on dating apps or like yeah really mhm I
would be on them like if I were single
for sure I mean so there was a there was
a period of time now we're going on a
tangent now you're going to learn my my
dating life let's do it so there was a
period of time that I just like deleted
all my apps like I just didn't have apps
and I was like kind of on like a dating
fast Hiatus I guess for ended up being 9
months is um just because I was like I
don't really want to swipe through like
I was like I was just tired of that
because it does turn into a game and
then you don't even really take the
other person like the people in this app
seriously cuz it's like playing Candy
Crush you're just like like whatever um
and so I just deleted all of them except
for Bumble and that one was set to like
meet friends so I was like I'll put in
bfff mode because like I do want to find
someone to like hang out and like get a
coffee or get my nails done or whatever
so so I made a friend on bumblebee FF
which I was like
awesome um but then after that I like
made my one friend and I think I like
deleted it cuz it's like the same thing
I was not really taking any of the
people in that that seriously um and
then I just started meeting people in
like the wild if you will and then I was
coming across people who also weren't
really on apps or people who had
recently deleted their apps a lot of
times you you get back into them as a
way
to like Kickstart dating like that
mindset for yourself at least in my
experience it's like okay well now I'm
like I feel like I would like to to date
again or go out see what's out there or
whatever you kind of download your
selected apps and then you kind of get
into that mindset of like okay like
talking to a new person doing the normal
things where it's like okay like let's
get drinks on a Tuesday or let's do this
or Saturday at this food truck festival
or whatever right um and
yeah all right you go back and forth
yeah but like my sister's on OK Cupid
like I think exclusively at this point
but there are so many different apps
that you can kind of choose and OK Cupid
has like very detailed profiles that you
fill out so that that speaks to her like
she's very detail oriented like that I'm
kind of like I guess lazy about dating
it's interesting because so part of my
jam when I was hiring a lot was I don't
read resumés yeah and the reason I don't
read resumés is they lie and they are
not an accurate representation of the
person and I I felt like I got more out
of three minutes with a person than I
would get out of like reading you know 3
hours worth of their resume it's like me
so so it's interesting because I've
always thought that I if I were single
now that I would turn heavily to dating
apps because it allows you to go through
a lot of numbers but I do worry that
it's just a bad system for identifying
potential connection right and that's
that's how I personally feel and I still
to this day prefer meeting people in
real life because I just I trust that
I'm very good at reading people and
reading what works for me and what
doesn't work for me whereas like on
these apps a lot of times they like yeah
like this one's okay looking but if you
met them in person suddenly they're like
way more attractive because of the other
things like those non
digitally seen things I guess and so I
don't know I Leave Myself open word yeah
all right anyway what else oh yeah
questions all right so this next one
comes from Daniel Breeze our boy yep in
the house uh I haven't done any
suffering in my youth uh to be okay with
the fact that to be successful you need
to suffer however I'm well aware that
most successful people have suffered in
their childhood or youth would you put
yourself through suffering purposefully
in this case and what kind of suffering
specifically definitively um yes I think
that suffering is a test it's a gut
check it lets you know where you are um
but more importantly for Success like I
I think it's about really getting good
at something I just think there's an
inherent amount of suffering to pushing
through boredom to push through the hard
times to face your inadequacies um but
yeah you don't grow unless you are going
through a stressor so and that stressor
is in and of itself suffering but like
when I say suffering I'm not talking
about like man if you've managed to
avoid like someone you love dying if
you've managed to avoid um getting you
know traumatically injured like things
that by the way if they happen you can
Harden you can get something great that
comes out of that but I would never seek
that
out but there are ways like the gym is
the most obvious one go and suffer a
fast go and suffer for sure and I would
build these things into my world because
it forces you to learn strategies to
deal with when you don't want to do
something so for instance right now I am
doing intermittent fasting uh I would
really much rather not be I'd much like
I you can't imagine how often I think
about there are people out there right
now who they can eat essentially
whatever they want and they're lean and
not only that like have you ever seen so
there was this guy I'm I'm just going to
call him out there's this he is an
amazing human being his name is Evan
Dollard look him
up he is like he can just get away with
murder from a diet perspective now the
guy does incredible things physically
he's a American Ninja Warrior guy just
unbelievable he won um American
Gladiator as like the contestant this
dude is just have you met Evan yeah I
think so once a quest and once here now
the thing about Evan that drives me nuts
his fat distribution is is perfect like
every ounce of his body the fat is
distributed evenly so whether he's like
10% body fat 6% body fat he's got abs it
makes me want to punch him in the head
and here's why if even when I was at my
leanest leanest cleanest I still have
fat in my love handles like it drives me
mad like literally I will look like a
concentration cam Survivor in my face
because for whatever reason like that's
where I lose weight in fact when we were
on we were on vacation uh and and we set
up the camera to do the live and I
thought ooh based on the way the light
is hitting me I look so [ __ ] gaunt
and somebody wrote in the the feed like
hey Tom your diet is really working I
can see it in your face and I wanted to
say actually I'm on vacation I have like
I'm lessan but my [ __ ] face like just
loses fat so rapidly and my love handles
will hang on it like until the end of
time and I remember one time like my
forearms were like scary shredded yeah
but like I could poke like into my elbow
on my love handles I was just like what
is happening so there are times where
I'm literally I am so frustrated that I
don't get to eat whatever I want the
fact that I have to do intermittent
fasting like all of it it winds me up
but in doing that and forcing myself
through the suffering and forcing myself
to do things like that you have to get
good at techniques you have to get good
at like how am I going to avoid this
gamification is something that works
really well for
me that's you there's no way this is
happening I lit I can only apologize I
have no idea what happened I never said
alarms before 11: a.m. all right that
that was terrifying yep I know shame he
it all on me both earned I have earned
the shame uh so gamifying things for me
is has really really been big my alarm
going off is making me sweat that's how
I have rules against that um
gamification the reason I check my blood
levels obsessively when I'm really
trying to do something with my diet is
because then it's fun I can gamify it
it's one of the strategies that I use
the other strategy is welcoming it like
an old friend the other strategy is
being proud of myself being willing to
do something that other people aren't
willing to do like those are the
strategies that you're only going to
develop if you're suffering it's the
same thing in the gym right I show up
every day I put in the work other people
aren't willing to do this I'm willing to
do it I'm learning to focus on results
instead of just the process like hey I
want this thing I want to get something
it's not about this rep it's about the
result right so knowing that you're
pushing for something specific all of
those techniques which you can use in
Myriad other places in your life only
come if you're willing to push yourself
you're willing to go through the
hardship so yes I think suffering is
very important I think people should
absolutely Force themselves into places
where they're suffering and and I say
this from the safety of not having
children you need to make your kids
suffer now that's one of the reasons I
don't have kids because I'm not prepared
to do it so trust me when I say I know
that this is advice that I'm I probably
would do it but it would be it would be
very very hard so compassion empathy no
judgment but I do think it's a good
strategy yeah
there it is I'm trying to think I was
like was there a lot of suffering for me
like from my parents side of things but
I don't know I didn't feel like I
suffered a lot but I still feel like
there's a lot of drive and we we really
have to like break down like what do you
mean by suffering cuz like my childhood
was essentially idyllic okay my parents
were very kind they stayed together
until I left for college so I felt like
hey I grew up with two parents my entire
life
they were amazing to me uh they
frustrated the life out of me don't get
me wrong I was very rebellious as a
teenager and it drove me nuts and I do
not do well with authority um but they
always made me feel loved I mean just
really really incredible from that
perspective but my parents were big fans
of manual labor and they made me do a
lot of Manual Labor uh my parents
refused to buy me a Nintendo which to
this day uh I hold on to that um and
and I had to get a job in a door Factory
at 12 cuz my parents said if you want a
Nintendo you have to buy it yourself now
$100 just for the system plus games to a
12-year-old is an absolute fortune and
so I had to take a job in my uncle's
door Factory and if I remember right and
I think I I'm almost certain he paid me
$210 an hour okay it was well below
minimum wage it was also child labor
laws were broken um and I remember like
having to carry like I would have to um
lacquer things actually that's not true
they were lacquered and then I had to
sand them and then I think they
lacquered them again but anyway I had to
carry them and by 12 I already had um
some hair on my forearms and when you
would carry them then the lacquer would
get in your hair and you had to rip it
out oh it sucked and also when you're
sanding you'll end up getting splinters
but like harpoons that would go like
through you uh I used to hide in the
bathroom it was such a miserable
experience
uh but I always had jobs like that so
worked in a door Factory a paint factory
a paint Warehouse uh a paint store like
just really really horrible cuz I was
always doing whatever wherever my dad
was working or a family member like
that's how I got my jobs I spent an
entire summer building this big ass
fence and so when my neighbor tore it
down I went [ __ ] ballistic uh that's
a whole another story um but yeah manual
labor it sucked I hated it but because
of that I knew I was hellbent to do do
something else with my life and my dad
always said this is going to build
character and it did yeah I hated it but
I I had to do it and so I had to somehow
find a mental trick procedure whatever
to get through it so suffer suffer
suffer it's super
effective all right then all right so
this next one comes from Jacob bie hi
Tom uh how would you approach a serious
health condition that you've had for a
while say you've been living with brain
injury for 4 years and sought out a ton
of treatments and found yourself at an
unsatisfactory level of
functionality what would you do this is
amazing this is exactly what I would do
so first and foremost I would take 30
days he's well pass up but I I was walk
you through the whole process if it were
really something traumatic where I knew
like whoa this is bad news I would take
30 days to mourn and for 30 days I would
allow myself like all the like sadness
and Trauma in the world because I think
it's an important part of the recovery
process at the end of the 30 days on day
30 [ __ ] one no more never again I
will not tolerate any of that for myself
I am moving forward and I'm moving
forward with aggression and optimism and
the only thing that matters is total
[ __ ] recovery and I'm going to not
only am I going to recover I'm going to
be better than ever and if that means
reallocating like if I lose my legs and
I know I'm never going to run the same
way now I've got two choices I can Hue
her this look him up where's Dr finesse
I'm trying to get this guy on the
[ __ ] show he was in a climbing
accident he lost both of his legs the
Prosthetics that this guy has created he
becomes an engineer specifically to
solve that
problem the Prosthetics he's made are so
unbelievable that you can run all out
like a like an Olympic sprinter all out
with these things and they don't look
like the ones that you see like Blake um
leaper wearing the they look like like
[ __ ] legs and he all out when you see
him in pants and he's walking you 100%
you cannot tell the DS
Prosthetics absolutely unbelievable so
that was a guy who decided I'm getting
my legs back cool that may not be the
path that I choose so if I decide you
know what I'm not pursuing the huur like
rebuild strategy reinvent make this
stuff up do whatever I have to do mine
asteroids to get the resources whatever
I'm going to just do the Steven Hawking
approach and I'm going to allocate
myself to something else whatever it is
but I'm doing something Allin I'm going
to be better than I ever was before at
that thing I'm still going to try to be
World Class of something I am going to
waste exactly zero time feeling sorry to
my for myself post 30 days cuz in the 30
days I wallow but then day 31 absolutely
no tolerance in myself for sympathy I
will tell my wife this is day [ __ ] 31
don't you give me an ounce of sympathy
empathy all day long compa