Kind: captions
Language: en
everybody welcome to another episode of
Facebook live QA I am your host Tom bill
you and I'm here with the voice of the
community Cindy what is up Cindy hey
everyone how we doing I'm doing really
well today ready to rock ready to rocket
I'm ready to rock it like a million
hours yesterday really yeah I was just
tired because I have like the vents all
week and like I was in Vegas the weekend
before that so just like need a little
cotton tired but yeah I'm ready today
nice yeah so just a few housekeeping
things or so everyone knows we won't be
having our normal lives next week but we
made sure to like pre-record some things
and get your questions answered and
tackle a lot of the different topics and
for those who don't know Tom's gonna be
in London all next week
and he's having a meet-and-greet at bar
Americain um at 7 p.m. on the 15th you
can check out the details in the events
tab and then we'll be having our first
Los Angeles like impact hour which is
going to be our like summer happy hour
series which is also located and the
events tab and I'm super excited about
that one finally kicking off our live
events for everyone yes I'm very sad I
won't be able to join you guys for the
first impact hour but I will be either
in London or in France I'm not sure when
you guys are doing it but so going to
the reason for the trip is Cannes lion
so we're headed there for that that
should be a lot of fun very excited
about that and then hitting up London
because well when you've got some
in-laws and you're literally across the
channel then you have to swing by and
say I'm excited to see them on edge pit
stop yeah here at Lisa's not on the
phone morning did you really so cute it
is an amazing human literally just like
a scary good person I love it yeah she's
good peeps all right so ready to kick it
off
ready although I will say first if this
content is adding value please do share
we just cross 50 thousand on Facebook to
get up to get up
yeah nice little love there from the
impact theory team and could not be more
excited or more grateful to you guys
thank you so much and we had set goal
for ourselves at the beginning of this
year when we kicked off and we have just
smashed I know past where we thought
we'd be at this point and as all thanks
to you guys so and it comes down to
those shares so if you would if it's
adding value to your life share share
share that really really helps and we
won't go into a dirac I've talked about
it a lot and I want to get to your
questions but building the community is
phase one of our master plan of making
the world a better place so yeah help us
I know officially addresses can't love
it okay so this is a topic to kick off
because I feel like a lot of people saw
the Peter D clip and so many people are
side hustling and trying to balance that
so you've talked about when you first
started quest still working at awareness
tech though maybe just give people some
of the tactical time management or tips
that you use while you're doing that to
like you know side hustle yeah so here
here is the the no BS answer like at
some point you just have to give up
virtually everything else in your life
that's the that is the truth and so when
we were still at awareness technologies
and this was one of the reasons like
because when we started quests I think
Lisa and I were still into like two
years from now two years from now phase
with kids and it was really when we
started quest we started to say I'm not
sure like that we're actually going to
have kids because from a time management
perspective I knew that was going to be
a problem now if you already have kids
and there's going to be other things in
your life that you're going to have to
give up but we just essentially I won't
say we worked around the clock because
as you're learning like sleep is
important you performing cognitively but
I will be honest if I need to give up
sleep I'll do it the heartbeat so I I
try not to do it very often because I
don't want to degrade my cognitive
performance but if I had to work a
normal job and then try to build
something on the side I wouldn't
hesitate to give up sleep and there were
plenty of times where we had to do that
I remember
there was the at the beginning of class
so we had this really old mixer but
every time you made a batch was $5,000
so if something happened with the batch
then you're out 5k like and that was
catastrophic at that time so we were I
remember one night it was like I don't
know like 11 o'clock and we were putting
in the last batch and the mixer froze
and so I was like I don't do this and so
we finally got that going again we got
the bars out and then the line was
breaking down and it was always the
rapper like the wrapping machine calm
wonderful face so and it just kept going
down kept going down kept going down and
then finally it had like a terminal
problem so by now it's like 1:30 in the
morning or something like that and it
the heat coupling was broken so like the
it uses heat to seal the wrappers and it
just wouldn't get hot and so the bars
wouldn't seal and I'm like there's no
universe in which we lose these bars
like I'm not losing $5,000 no way it's
not going to happen so call my partner
because I had tried and tried and tried
to fix it and it was just beyond like
I'm terrible at fixing things as beyond
what I knew how to do he manned up he
came and it's just like you're gonna get
less sleep at that moment right no two
ways about it he rats all night yeah so
is what it is we banged it out we got it
done ends up becoming one of those
cookie jar moments like you know when
you just and to be honest like it was
one of my favorite memories because I
was like I'm not going to be moody about
this like let's have some fun like what
laughs let's joke what you know get
through it and so ended up being a lot
of fun even though it was just a lot of
time and effort but you're gonna have to
cut stuff out of your life it's just
that easy and during that time like
there were exactly zero video games
being played there were zero movies and
TVs being watched I mean it's just
you're grinding and so you get on my
grind you work seven days it is what it
is and that's why I say you've got to
make the demand of yourself that you
make money doing something you care
deeply and passionately about so it's
easy for me to show up every day and
play that hard because I was thinking
about my mom and my sister and I totally
set money aside so I'm not thinking
about money it's going to be about value
creation
can be about doing something beautiful
for people and to give you an idea of
why we're so hell-bent about this
community and why we celebrate building
the community is because when somebody
writes in and says you've changed my
life you've impacted me I'm asked the
question can you help me with this like
we are so honored
like I can't stress it enough like I'm
honored by every person that asked me a
question honored by every person that
thanks us for what we've done like it is
it's amazing like I don't take for
granted that we're living in a time
where that's possible and because of
that it's like easy to hustle it's easy
to put in the work it's easy to grind
it's easy to you know get up at I mean
there are times I'm up at like 3:00 in
the morning and to just go right after
it and that's easy because I really
believe in what we're trying to build
and because I believe in what we're
doing and I can think about the people
that we're helping and we're actually
building relationships with I I mean
there's actually there's so many people
that are so active in the community that
actually know who they are
amen so that's really really incredible
so when you make that demand and so
you're not just chasing money and it's
not something that you really don't care
about it's something that's like so core
to who you are as a human being and it's
naturally on the path of who you're
trying to develop yourself into like you
just give other things up a Schechter's
yeah yes that's it everybody all right
so this next question comes from Daniel
breeze through the connect inbox I
thought about somebody that I'm well
aware of his yeah he's very engaged
super active and he's um so his question
is I have a so he has a question about a
close relative of his the man is now 50
lives with his two kids and wife but has
not worked in over a decade
he fell into a depression after his
parents passed away I feel like he's
given up on trying to become something
because of his age he needed financial
help recently and I took it as an
opportunity to get him to start reading
mindset but I don't want to pressure him
too much any advice on how to help him
so like next up yeah here's here's the
bad news when somebody doesn't want to
be helped there's
really nothing you can do other than be
compassionate so be compassionate meet
people where they are show them love
yeah but here's my thing don't get
sucked in they've like it's not okay for
me like I would never tolerate in my own
life falling into that depression it
literally doesn't make sense so but that
doesn't mean that I don't have a massive
amount of empathy and compassion for
somebody who has found themselves in
that situation so like love them
encourage them when without
proselytizing when they present like the
opportunities like if they ask like dude
I feel so lost what should I do
cool that's a time and honestly like if
that person asked if they said that to
me I would say man it really starts with
loving yourself because I bet right
about now you're feeling badly about
yourself
that you haven't like gotten back up
that you haven't found your footing
again you know married and with kids
right so I'm sure there's all kinds of
guilt about not being a provider and
stuff like that so step one love
yourself forgive yourself like whatever
you're holding on to like let it go
and then for me it's about really
understanding the brain you bring this
[ __ ] with you that's the truth and
the depression is a neurochemical state
that you've hardwired because it's been
going on for so long have they sought
professional help that's a big one and
then like look there are easy things to
do that I've just shown to be wildly
effective in addressing depression and
the easiest one is working out like work
out bro go for long walks of enjoyment
you know what I mean like so there's
just all of these every problem you have
is solvable but you have to start with
that belief and so yeah but at the end
of the day my real advice is compassion
empathy and not to get sucked into their
world of downward spiral so the moment
they like at all times I would extend a
hand but if they don't take it I'm not
going to yell at them to take it like
it's just cool men totally get it when
you're ready I'm here I love you I want
to see great things happen for you
every
problem as a solution if I can be useful
let me know and then I'm just going to
go live my life do you think got to they
by example they'll reach out when
they're ready right exactly so usually
by leading my example they'll they'll
come a point when they want to come to
you because they're kind of seeing your
light and they're drawn to it because
people are just naturally drawn to light
okay so our next question comes from
Madeline Miller
Milagros hi Tom from here in Toronto
Canada so Shannon Oh Canada
how do you stay growth minded when
surrounded by fixed mindset people what
if these people are your family and
friends and whom you've had a long
history of fixed mindset patterns for
example how do you avoid falling into
old negative six mindset habits when
around your in-laws or parents when they
know just how to push those buttons so
I'll shorthand because we just went deep
on compassion and empathy so I'm going
to say compassion and empathy is how I
mean everybody with a fixed mindset I
totally get it
I would so many years of my life lost to
that like I never hate on people who are
still caught in the matrix okay so now
having said that there's also the
nuanced advanced class side of the coin
which is y'all [ __ ] are crazy
if you think that you're going to suck
me into your fixed mindset game I don't
have buttons for people to press
I literally deep even that like I'm not
even sure my wife like I have no sense
in my life of people being able to push
my buttons I don't have buttons to push
so yeah I really don't so you have to
get to the point where you know like
okay having fixed mindset versus a
growth mindset so buttons my buttons
used to be if you told me that I was
dumb or untalented that would send me
into a spiral because like I believe
that my talents and intelligence were
fixed traits and so you were attacking
my value as a human being I only had one
life to live and so if I just wasn't a
an above-average human being then die
deal with that like I'm one of the like
unwashed masses like it just that
doesn't make you feel good right so
everybody wants to know how am i special
like that's where everybody goes and
that's what parents do to their kids all
the time you're amazing you're special
you're the best and that is a game of
death once people realize oh my talents
and intelligence aren't fixed trades
they're malleable I can do anything I
want so I was born average rad and now
life is a journey of canna become
exceptional and things I really care
about and if like you don't have that
impulse to want to get great I can't
help you I'm always going to sound crazy
to you unfollow right now like I will
totally get that despite all the things
we said at the head of the show about
being grateful for every person I'm
telling you if you have no interest in
self-improvement I'm not your guy I'm
going to drive you crazy none of this is
going to make sense so to me the purpose
of life is very simple
humans have potential potential is
opportunity it isn't a thing in and of
itself and the point of life is to see
how much of that potential you can
actually realize so what can you do with
it what can you become how can you
express it develop it and really get
great at something now I happen to love
getting great at something that serves
other people it makes me feel really
good but I want to be the greatest of
all time as the things that I choose to
get great at right that I'm going to put
my energy into so that's me is a big
deal so I'm never going to allow
somebody with a fixed mindset to drag me
down like that's madness so they could
try to press buttons but if you tell me
that I'm stupid awesome in what way am i
stupid because please if you can point
out something that I'm doing wrong and I
can learn from that and now I can
express more of my potential like that's
amazing if you say hey this thing do you
think you're really good at you're
actually terrible at so what I know
about humans is people like to tear
people down so I'm going to go okay this
is probably coming from a dark place for
them like it doesn't feel I'm triggering
their insecurities in some way so one is
there something I could address in my
behavior that would sure
less of their insecurities because I
actually want to see them shine I want
to see them do well I don't want them to
be in a bad place and I could learn from
that so there's something that I could
do it's all my fault right I would start
with that but then to like have they
actually pointed something out am I not
really as good as I could be and I could
get a little bit better and I could eat
more out of my game like that would be
amazing
so between understanding that people go
on the offense because you've triggered
something in them so I don't take it
personally and I think that's a big
thing like if somebody is trying to ruin
you like they just they don't want good
things for you they want to trip you up
they're trying to put limitations on you
they're trying to tear you down like
understand that's about them it's not
about you right and that even if they're
what they're saying really stings
because you fear it might be true cool
then they're showing you something that
you can address you can highlight and
you can grow and get better so the
people in my life that have been the
least supportive but that are like part
of my family and so I don't plan to cut
them out of my life certainly not going
to be spending a lot of time with them
but I have no intention of cutting them
out of my life they would only know love
and compassion for me so that that would
be their experience right they wouldn't
even necessarily know that I perceive
them as attacking me because they
probably don't perceive it that way like
a drowning man doesn't see it that
they're attacking that person they're
just trying to get air right so I know
okay they're like trying to pull me down
and all that it's not personal
they're just trying to get air so yeah
they would never know I'll deal with all
of that internally because it's
triggering all these very intriguing and
powerful things in my mindset about
self-improvement about recognizing what
I could do to like change the way that
I'm coming across to them or how do i
distance myself from them without
alienating them without making them feel
bad or criticize you know I don't want
that so and then like when you know if
somebody really like wants to have a
deep relationship with you and there's
going to be people in your family I
always like to answer the hard question
let's say it's somebody like in your
family and they're like I become distant
from you a parent is the hardest one
right and they really want to connect
but you know their version of connecting
is being negative saying that you're
crazy for pursuing your goals and all
that like then how do you do
deal with that person one thing that I
have done in the past is I'm very I
choose my opportunities very carefully
so a lot of times people will present a
moment will one just listen right so
instead of trying to give them all the
answers to like they're sort of assaults
on you just like one question I use when
people being really negative is what's
the thing in your life that brings you
the most joy like what are you excited
about right now and then you can get
them going that direction thinking in
that direction and that may I mean you
could lose an hour two hours just
talking about beautiful things and all
that and getting them to focus on that
and maybe that's enough to start bonding
over but if they really push the issue
another thing that I'll do is say do I
have permission to be honest and I like
to ask permission because once people
say yes then then you get to what can
they do right so and then I'll say look
here's how I view the world here's where
I'm trying to go and I would just say
look I love you beyond all measure I
love being around you and no matter what
like I'm always going to want to be
around you you're my parent you're my
sibling you're my cousin you're my best
friend like whatever and so I'm always
going to want to spend time together but
here's what I've learned about myself I
need positivity so one thing that would
be really incredible for us to build a
more meaningful relationship is if we
can focus on the positive things when
we're together when if we can talk about
like even if it's the problem how to be
solution-oriented you know those things
and so then going into that and just
saying look I know you don't mean to be
negative and maybe this is just me but I
perceive it as negative that you know
triggers might skew like whatever it is
that is going on to be real with them
and just really like don't argue about
the T which is what most people do and
that's a reference to a story from my
wife and I but like you'll get in the
argument about something service-level
one of the biggest arguments we've ever
had is over a cup of tea and then
finally we like said okay this is stupid
there's no way we're arguing about the
tea like what are we actually talking
about and then when you get to the real
thing then it starts to get interesting
how we learn
all right we have a couple shout outs
from Taniya STS katene from South Africa
nice lavoris Jackie from Michigan and
John belt from OKC nice oh I love it
yeah I love that we have a worldwide
audience for real though I guess like
one of my favorite things to make I
firmly believe in shrinking the world so
yeah this kind of love follows it all
right so our next question comes from
Joshua Martel our boy so Tom when people
talk about feeling or having intuition
from the heart I have led myself to
believe that it's an other area of the
mind rather than the heart what do you
think so yes he's talking about like gut
instincts intuition that kind of thing
where do you think that comes from
well so we do have neurons throughout
like neurons literal brain tissue
throughout the entire tract running from
the brain all the way down to your
intestines so there is something to be
said for a gut feel gut instinct how
that plays into the heart I'm not sure
but you really do experience that stuff
in your chest at least and are we
mistaken it for the heart maybe but it's
the physiological feeling is what makes
people say stuff like that at the end of
the day higher level cognition is always
in the brain so by the time they're
articulating it it's all brain but did
they get the instinct from somewhere
else in the body it is entirely possible
like that's very real and also I'm
reading the human super organism right
now and the compelling case that it
makes that you are so just to give you
an idea of the DNA being expressed so
the the code being read the proteins
being produced all of that only 1% is
mammalian 99% of the DNA being expressed
in your body is from bacteria viruses
and fungi and sages and all that stuff
but now like really as we get to phages
I don't understand it yet but that's
like what's
really going on now just at a percentage
level hopefully that gives everyone
pause enough to go huh this is
interesting
so give you one example if you take a
baby and you remove all of the bacteria
viruses fungi everything and so they're
literally a sterile child and you give
it breast milk it'll die
you can't process it so the sugars in
the breast milk which the baby actually
can't break down is to feed the bacteria
to make sure that the bacteria grows and
then once the bacteria grows then the
bacteria will help you digest all the
different foods and things that you eat
a baby that's born via c-section is from
a microbiome perspective wildly
different than a baby that's born
vaginally and that a big part of vaginal
birth is to make sure that you actually
get all the microbes that you need which
is fascinating so it's like that there's
this is infinitely complex and until we
get to a I and really deep learning
we're never going to understand I don't
think the human mind can comprehend how
vastly complicated like even even saying
even talking about DNA instead of RNA is
already like shorthand number one
because really what matters is the
epigenetic expression of the microbes in
your gut not necessarily like the DNA so
it's like yeah basically we're all
echoes of our ancestors so let's say
that my mom had gone through a period of
famine when she was either even before
she was pregnant or while she was
pregnant with me that will impact me
like think about that something that
your parents go through before you're
conceived can impact you in your own
life that's crazy there's a name for
them for getting it right now but I
think if it is like epigenetic echoes
like it continues like and something
that happens to my parents may affect my
grandkids so it's I think it's three
generations it's sort of like everybody
accepts it's at least three generations
and it might be more so that's crazy
hopefully that makes people really think
about
some of their life choices because
they're going to echo it for a very long
time and we're we are like in our
infancy of understanding this stuff so
there is something there I won't pretend
to understand it it but gut gut instinct
and you talked about heart but gut
instinct is real that I promise you you
have neurons you have something like the
equivalent of an entire cat brain so
think about the level of personality the
ability to hunt like all of it that a
cat has you have that many neurons
outside of your brain in your body so
you can literally I don't understand it
well enough so I won't even attempt to
explain it let me finish the book
they've just now started mentioning them
so yeah one of the things we continue to
continue I'm like interested in that
just because especially that like
multi-generational like epigenetic fqo
yeah because I feel like it also if you
were to go back and study history like
you would kind of see like how it plays
out in the present and then like almost
prognosticate to the future yeah and so
full disclosure an IT alum and a good
friend of mine Naveen Jane has founded a
new company called biome which is
looking at all this stuff he was the
first person to mention phages to me and
I think will probably do like at a
minimum and affiliate relationship with
him because I'm so intrigued what he's
doing I've got Lisa on it so at some
point like yeah it could be it could be
interesting enough to me that we look at
it from a business perspective like
that's how seriously I'm taking it do I
like it alright so this next one comes
from Daniel Malak hey Tom I found out
today that I have several growths on
both thyroid glands most likely we'll
end up having to have a biopsy to find
out if they're malignant or not while I
try to stay as positive as possible the
fear of cancer of course drags me down
more than I'd like to admit how would
you handle a situation like this so this
is an amazing opportunity to practice so
this is terrifying and I've been through
this I had a lump in the back
my throat and I had to have a lumpectomy
and all that I was freaking out and I
was young and so at like knowing like I
know exactly what it Sonja and your mind
just you just assume everything is
cancer like nowadays like your brain
just jump straight to what's the worst
possible answer that I could imagine so
first of all remember that there are
more things that it could be that aren't
cancer than that are so you're pissed
eclis speaking and then also that it's
an awesome time to practice like even if
it is cancer like a you can fight
through and survive it and then be like
just being in a place where whatever
comes your way like I was just thinking
about this today in the gym today is not
guaranteed forget tomorrow I'm going to
make it through today so nothing is
guaranteed for us and really finding
peace with that and this is one of those
I'm not saying like come to grips with
your impending death like you need to
learn to not jump to that conclusion
first of all like train your mind not to
do that counterproductive and then know
that cognitively psychologically you're
going to be able to deal with anything
no matter what it is
so it's an awesome reminder to you know
focus on the things you're grateful for
because that's going to ground you from
a neurochemical perspective in something
positive and the key right now is not to
let your brain spiral off into the
negative which is what it's going to
want to do and it's going to be like a
group of wild horses that just want to
break free and go crazy and so you
really need to in this moment practice
at not letting it do that letting your
mind run away with you is not going to
serve you you're going to go through the
process you're going to take it very
seriously you know move as quickly as
you can to get a diagnosis if you need a
second in the third you're going to get
a second in the third none of it's going
to be fun but you're going to do
whatever it takes and then if it is
cancer you're going to do whatever it
takes to make sure that you survive it
like period and your mind like has to be
in full survival mode and that's how I
would be with cancer like man I don't
know how but I am going to be this is
incredible like I'm going to be if they
were like no one's ever survived this
before I get it first like this is
incredible and used to force your
there so and then look I just had a
cousin die of cancer and it was
heartbreaking to see him go through that
but it was also amazing to see like how
positive he was like I knew a whole
process and it really would
it wasn't until like the last ten days
of his life I'll say that he finally
said like okay now I'm scared right
right and now like he understood we
don't like just being sort of realistic
like we don't have any we don't have any
other options and so that that was an
interesting transition and there's no
question like not having been through it
I will claim to know exactly nothing
about it but seeing him go through it
and understanding that psychologically
there's just sort of different phases
that you're never inevitably going to go
through but I just encourage people as
long as you have air in your lungs find
something positive and beautiful to
focus on and I think there was a guy
that wrote a book called my final
lecture I'll have to look that up but he
found out that he had terminal cancer
and wrote a book because of it and it
was pretty fascinating I only read an
article about it I don't know that the
book had been released yet when I found
out about it but that was really
interesting to see sort of a level of
clarity that it brought to his life and
it was one of those like oh I always
thought I'd write a book I read a book
ER and then it was like I need to write
a book yeah right and so there really is
something incredibly powerful to that
but I don't know for me a big thing is
the the real thing I would be doing in
your situation is I would be focusing
only on the positive all the things that
it could be other than that I would not
let my mind run away with me that's
that's what you should do right now at
this moment and then the rest we'll deal
with as it comes but positivity is is
really the only thing that matters right
now and practicing controlling your mind
that's a great right opportunity and
there's something to be said for like
kind of like de-escalating that like
situation where you think about it
because like when I was 16 like I found
a lump and like am i right breath and so
I didn't know what it was and
my first reaction wasn't that it was
cancer even though they're like all like
we're going to have to like cut you open
and take it out and my check and see
what it is and because like my dad never
seem too worried or didn't like
immediately jump there my parents didn't
meet like my mom didn't I was like I
like it it's fine like nothing happens
it wasn't until like recently that I was
talking to somebody about it I realized
oh [ __ ] that's like that could have been
the end of everything but because I was
just kind of like okay like very like
calm and relaxed about it and like
positive and then I was thinking about
like well I'm going on the cross camp
soon so like I need to like make sure
that this is scheduled in time for me to
be able to let go like play and do all
this stuff that you know I feel like it
didn't have as much of an impact and so
I guess it would probably just be a
little bit different now but I always
think about the positive ends or always
think about like moving towards the
future only smart way because it could
end up being absolutely nothing right
and it was nothing focusing on that
makes a lot more sense than focusing on
the dire potential exactly sure alright
so this next one comes from Nikhil and
by the way we're all with you I know is
a stressful time no matter what we say
so just know that there are people that
care so mad love all right so this next
one comes from Nikhil Krishnan I'm from
India and I have social anxiety I feel
I'm threatened in a large crowd I also
feel intimidated with more experienced
skilled people with what mindsets do I
go into a small community so I guess
kind of walk maybe step by step what he
can do to tackle this situation yeah so
anxiety is your enemy you're going to
have to unwind that so really reading
about learning about the brain and how
you can begin to unwind that is critical
step number one critical step number two
is now that you've learned about the
brain you understand about myelination
you understand
you have to begin envisioning not how
things are going to go wrong but how
they could go right learning to calm
your sympathetic nervous system and
click over into the parasympathetic
nervous system once you're armed with
those tools and you know how to practice
then put yourself in those situations
and begin practicing the escalate and
deescalate and escalating and doing that
over and over and over and over and I'm
a huge believer and when people are
armed with the skills of how to unwind
something to do immersion therapy so it
doesn't work if you don't have the
skills you'll just make it worse and
worse and worse because you're in that
situation without the tools to begin
like unwinding it but once you really
understand that process and how to do it
then you want to start putting yourself
in that situation and making it easier
and easier and easier just to practice
that don't allow yourself to continue to
retreat and that was my thing with
anxiety was in the beginning part of
what created the anxiety for me was I
refused to back down so I was like I am
getting good at this business thing like
period symbol ass and so I kept putting
myself without any tools and how to like
stop it from happening I kept putting
myself into the situation that was
triggering the anxiety and like I was
like I'm gonna [ __ ] muscle through
this and I like just kept putting myself
and I'm actually proud of like I didn't
back down
yay but if I had when it first started
if I had caught it a lot earlier started
reading about it really learned how to
unwind it instead of letting it like it
worse and worse and worse I could have
made the whole process a lot easier
because I would realize hey this is a
moment to practice like and this is
actually how you practice and that would
have been great so that really is the
the key you have to understand what the
tools are and there's so many books so
many blogs so many podcasts about this
you can go out there right now today and
begin getting just absolutely incredible
information and then just really believe
because you asked like what's the
mindset you should have a growth mindset
just believing that anxiety switching
over into the parasympathetic nervous
system and stopping the anxiety there
are skills like even anxiety you think
of it as a skill you got really good at
it so you imagined all these scenarios
all the ways that it could go wrong
and you just kept obsessing and as you
could feel your heart rate like even if
it wasn't like this conscious thing
where you were imagining something
actually going to attack you you just
got into this environment and you felt
weird and it just kept escalating like
your subconscious even if not your
conscious mind your subconscious
practice that anxiety and so it got
really good at it so now you have what
Tony Robbins calls the superhighway to
stress and anxiety and so you're going
to have to figure out you have a dirt
road to gratitude and happiness and all
that stuff so now you have to strip that
back down to a dirt road to anxiety by
building the superhighway over here and
the good news is you're not gonna have a
superhighway to both so as you build the
superhighway its gratitude happiness the
ability to switch over into the
parasympathetic nervous system and
calming yourself down and all that like
this will naturally degrade so that's
the name of the game yeah definitely and
like even from a social perspective just
in a networking situation let's say
because that's the easiest one to draw
upon is come in with some type of
strategy like whether it's being on the
perimeter so that you don't like feel
super awkward you know smiling it the
first person you see you and walking up
to them trying not to like go into like
large groups try maybe one person who's
also lingering because that I find also
tends to help people when they're trying
to like overcome those challenges yeah
social anxiety you ready for a really
weird one all right so I I don't I'm not
afraid to be embarrassed I'm not afraid
to look stupid
so one thing like if I were really like
in a position where I felt like I had
the tools and I knew what I should be
doing but I'm still feeling really
anxious and I was having a hard time
approaching people but I really wanted
to practice I once went to a Greek fair
with a sign this big that I had printed
and just tend baby pinned to my shirt
that said in Greek I'm looking for a
Greek teacher if you're willing to tutor
me like stop me and say something and I
Ward around in people were laughing and
pointing and grabbing me but I ended up
I actually did
get it from that but I had a couple
leaves and I ended up getting a read
teacher somewhere else but like wearing
something that said I'm hella anxious
I'd still love it if you said hi if you
don't mind I'm going to practice like
de-escalating you know to me so that
like people would understand and you
will be shocked right how many people
because they just like want to help like
people really are like on mass pretty
dope and so they'll come up and now you
may need to put like one at a time
please or something you know so it's
like but even just doing something like
that is going to force you into that
kind of situation is like understand
what your limitations are and find ways
to get around them mm-hmm and I'm also
one of those people who always goes up
to the person he's kind of like hang
back in the corner that's a great point
because you could that would allow you
to really speak to people they just love
helping other people you know which is
the kind of person you need write it
down man
all right so this next question comes
from Corrine but it first started starts
out with some love as always big thanks
to you and your team for all the great
content you guys are pumping up you're
killing it
so thank you Corrine her question is can
you please talk a little bit about
accountability and keeping commitments
specifically when you're an
accountability partner for somebody or
for that matter when you're holding
yourself accountable what do you do when
that person doesn't come through on what
they've committed to what do you think
are the most effective strategies for
helping them or yourself get back on
track and do you think it's different to
help for helping somebody else versus
helping yourself well I think that so
ironically I don't spend a lot of time
worrying about helping other people I
make the things that I've learned
available to as many people that want to
help themselves so my goal isn't to like
deal with people that are like I don't
know what to do and I'm like you know
feeling too lazy to do anything it's
like hey I get it like here's what you
have to do if they don't do it though
not going to chase them so if I have an
accountability partner that's not
accountable then it's like that's not a
good accountability partner so what I
would say you do because you don't just
want to shut people off and then they
feel like way like this is exactly why I
want to do as an accountability partner
to help me through this up rules of
engagement
right so here are rules of engagement
what do we consider being a good partner
to each other and then like in contracts
they give you this like period to cure
so if we say hey as an accountability
partner I get it things are going to
come up so if we say that you could miss
one a quarter right like one meeting a
quarter totally get it no problem
but that missing whatever the no 10
Accords whatever works for you guys but
like you come up with the rules of
engagement and then if they aren't
delivering on that if they're
underperforming that you say what's the
period to cure so if they missed too
many things if they're not doing
whatever work it is you guys are holding
to like how long do they have to fix
that
what does fixing that look like is there
like a catch-up process or something and
then what do we do like if the other
person failed to cure is it just like we
the accountability partnership dissolves
with a simple like you have failed to
cure a conversation like what does that
look like agree upon it all ahead of
time and now everybody knows the
expectations are I find a lot of times
that this is a disconnect of
expectations like you can have different
expectations you never talk through what
they're supposed to be exactly so laying
all that stuff out so that person may
not know what you expected them and so
just making sure that stuff is
abundantly clear and if it is abundantly
clear they don't abide by it like then
you find somebody else yeah Oh simple
okay all right hopefully that helps
trade all right our next question comes
from Laura to frame hi Tom and Cindy
pictorial or what do you do when a quote
family member seriously wrong with you
and shows absolutely no interest in
apologizing or moving forward no one
wants to lose family but I've tried just
about every tactic I can think of to fix
the problem
backing off and giving them plenty of
time to cool off writing a nice mature
letter explaining that it hurt but that
I want to resolve it etc if I can't fix
it how do I cope with the emotional loss
of a dear loved one for contacts for 19
I will tell you what I do this
infuriates my wife so I am this advice
is not Universal but I'm so bullish on
this so I accept people for who they are
and if somebody wronged me and I very
calmly and clearly articulated hey I
just want to let you know how that made
me feel like this out or the other
here's what I need from you whether it's
an apology and acknowledgement whatever
and you know you lay that out there and
if I don't get it from them then okay I
know who they are so I would go okay I
know this 19 year old kid is or whatever
and then like with nothing but
compassion and empathy in my heart
because remember I'm thinking of it is
this person is using a poor strategy to
get what they want like I have clearly
calmly articulated what I need talked
about how it hurt me why it hurt me what
the sort of path to reconciliation would
look like what I would need from them
and then if I don't get it that I meet
them with compassion and empathy because
I think they're employing a bad strategy
and then I withdraw myself from the
situation like it's that simple so this
is where people say I'll Tom you're
really good at compartmentalizing your
emotions and I am but I am because like
when somebody is bashing themselves in
the hand with a hammer I don't get angry
about that like this is and this is
literally the analogy I'll use so this
1900 kid has their hand on the table
they are smashing the hell out of it
with a hammer and I happen to walk too
close one day and whoa like in one of
their wild swings they hit me with the
hammer
now I'm the dumbass if I like want to go
stand next to them while they're
smashing themselves in the hand with a
hammer it's like well hammers are flying
so that's on you if like after you
a hey you hit me in the face with a
hammer that really sucks I don't want to
be hit in the face with a hammer again
so I need you to either set the hammer
down or I just can't get that close to
you
full disclosure but by the way I have
empathy and compassion for the fact you
feel compelled to hit yourself in the
hand with hammer but I'm then going to
distance myself like that's who they are
like I get it
like what your morning is only that you
thought they were someone that they're
not but now you know who they actually
are so now that you know who they
actually are with all the compassion and
empathy in the world give them the space
they need to do to be them like I'm over
here like if you ever want to stop
hitting yourself in the hand with a
hammer I will welcome you with open arms
I don't judge you like that's my thing
like I don't judge people like I get it
I get how people can be in the dumbest
[ __ ] positions mentally ever and why
do I get it because I lived for decades
of my life like a spaz attack like
totally living my life in a way that
made absolutely no sense it did not move
me towards my goals and for me to be
like wow like what a jerk or an [ __ ]
or how stupid was I it's like no I get
it that is the human condition that is
how the mind works and so some people
come into that realization much later in
life than any of us want but the truth
is I just don't hold anyone to my
standard other than my poor
long-suffering wife so we can look a
spouse I think you have to otherwise
like how are you ever going to like
completely share your existence in a
committed way because if I'm committing
to you that accountability partner I
have expectations right so like there's
just certain things that can and can't
happen there's certain things that we
need to grow together and for this to I
want to be your number one this needs to
be the most beautiful thing in my life
otherwise why do it everybody else has
to be in a position where you can walk
away otherwise they suck you into their
black hole of death and destruction and
it doesn't make sense and so the only
thing you're worried about is mourning
the loss of that person more in a way
we're all going to lose things give
yourself a finite period of time to
mourn the loss of the person you thought
they were because they have revealed
that themselves to be who they actually
are which is clearly somebody that's
doing something that isn't livable for
you and just know it is very
to be who the [ __ ] you are and it is
very okay to say this is who I am and
all the compassion and empathy in the
world like I'm not going to change to
conform to other people like I can't
tell you how many people super close to
me like wanted me to conform to match
their fixed mindset worldview dark- like
the world is bad destructive and like
it's unfair and all that and Here I am
going if a meteorite hit my wife that's
my bad so I can't join you like I can
listen and I can be a really good like
listening here but if you want to know
what I think I'm not going to lie to you
I'm going to say yeah that thing you're
doing like let me just tell you why it
doesn't seem like an effective strategy
and that's always where I come from it
doesn't seem like an effective strategy
not you're a bad person oh my god you're
so dumb it's not an effective strategy
like if the goal of humans is to express
their potential and to feel a sense of
deep eudaimonic happiness right
fulfillment if though I think most
people will agree
those two things are rad everything else
is pretty questionable so if those two
things are the goal like what you're
doing seems counterproductive which I
don't say unless you ask but if you ask
I'm going to tell you seems like a bad
strategy not a bad person that strategy
right and then also remember that if you
think about yourself in 19 or you know
whatever age you aren't the same person
necessarily so maybe for now you just
have to leave it where it lies and
return especially the family member you
know you're gonna have to interact with
them like it doesn't mean you don't love
them any less like you love them any
less just know that maybe they're just
not the person that you need them to be
for you
currently 100% and can we all just agree
that just because they're they're your
family it doesn't mean that they're not
corrosive right no inside of your head
those are people like hundred percent
you sometimes you just got to leave it
to leave it where it is but at the same
time understand that you have to be able
to interact and still come out from it
like if you're sitting at a family
dinner
all that kind of debt that's where
compassion and empathy comes in that
judge them like that there are people
that have hurt me in my life television
wait I get it I'm sure I've heard people
right so in fact let's just stated
emphatically I've hurt people right so
and I don't want that to mean that I'm a
bad person and so I don't think it makes
them a bad person and I think that we do
things unintentionally and unless you
think this nineteen year old is a
sociopath that is like literally
manipulating you and trying to hurt you
in which case distance away is it then
yeah like I don't know for me I don't
give my family extra slack for that it's
like I may not be willing to cut them
out of my life like you said there's
just family time you're going to be
together but yeah you don't have to let
them suck you into there right right
exactly
boundaries all right so this next one
comes from Kyle app theme Tom's Andy
loved the show and all the outstanding
content you're continuing to deliver so
Thank You Kyle
Tom with all the time and energy you put
into IT I'm curious to know your level
of involvement with Quest if you're
still playing a role with quest how do
you balance the two companies and
provide the biggest impact so I
completely remove myself so I'm an
evangelist for the brand but I've
absolutely no day-to-day
responsibilities whatsoever so from a
time management perspective that's very
easy so really how do I manage my time
here at impact theory because there's
far more than we could ever do we are
very much drinking from a firehose which
is a wonderful position to be in but can
it takes a lot of energy and you really
have to be careful my wife and I that's
where really the strategy comes into
play of how do you really make sure that
you're giving enough energy to the
romantic relationship and one thing Lisa
and I talked a lot about is not wanting
to ever become roommates like like we're
roommates that are building a business
but like there isn't that romance
yeah why are the passion so we have to
really make sure that we put time energy
and effort into that so if I was trying
to build both like when I look at Eli
musk