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Language: en
Hey everybody, welcome to After Impact.
Uh today we're diving into Mel Robbins
episode. She was a spitfire. This woman
is amazing. Reese researching her was um
like taking a shot of adrenaline. She is
always uptempo all the time and she's
got some amazingly usable advice. You
guys are going to want to dive into this
episode. You're going to want to check
out her book, The 5-second Rule. It is
all about usability and that was a thing
about her that I was really, really
excited about. So, welcome to After
Impact. Welcome. Welcome. Let's dive
right in. Let's do it. All right. So,
this first question starts with the
title of the episode. Um, something you
guys talked about in the very beginning,
and I'd love to go deeper on that. Love
to hear your thoughts. Why is motivation
garbage? Yeah, it was so funny cuz in
the intro, um, I always try to look at
what people say about themselves and on
her website, it refers to her, you know,
as like really being great at
motivation. And so, I thought, okay,
that's great. Um, you know, I I every I
think anybody watching my feed knows
that I have absolute phobia of being
just motivation and and not being about
execution. And so I'm uh I put it in and
the last line of the intro is the master
of motivation herself. And she comes on
and is like motivation is total
[ __ ] And I was like, I'm actually
glad you said that. And um and it's
true. And what she says, and I think
it's really powerful, is that motivation
is never there when you need it. you're
never going to feel like doing it. Um,
and it really if you're waiting for that
moment where you feel like dragging your
ass out of bed and you feel like
building that skill set and you feel
like going out and kicking ass, it's
never going to happen for you. And so,
you really have to transcend motivation.
You have to get into habit loops that
are powerful. And she didn't say the
words only action matters, but I mean
that's, you know, where she was coming
from. And, you know, that is my thesis
to the world is only execution matters.
And if you can't figure out how to
execute, then uh you're really really in
trouble. Yeah, definitely. Um she
actually talks about going from thought
into action. That's kind of one of her
major core principles is how do you move
from thought into action and has a lot
of strategies for doing that, but I want
to get into I want to actually
paraphrase something she said in the
episode. You can trace every problem in
your life to silence and hesitation. So
first off, what do you think of that?
And if you if you agree, what are some
of the techniques that can be used to
move past hesitation? Well, her her
whole talk is about how you move past
hesitation and and what she talks about
is going beyond um the basil ganglia
where you've got all these habit loops
and things um spinning around. And I've
heard the basil ganglia referred to as
the gearbox in the mind. And and when
you've got a problem in your basil gang
ganglia, when it's overactive, what
happens is you get stuck on one thing
and you're not able to pull out of that.
you're not able to switch over into a
new routine, new emotion, new thought,
whatever. Um, and so she came up with
this idea. She, and the reason I wore
the NASA shirt was she had this um image
in her mind that she'd seen on TV of a
rocket ship taking off and she said,
"That's what I'm going to do." Cuz she
was really struggling with getting out
of bed in the morning. And I know I went
through that phase of like I totally get
that where there's just enough
displeasure physically and what you're
facing maybe in the day is um not
exciting. You're not moving towards
anything. you don't have a compelling
future that is pulling you out of bed.
So, you need something to get you out.
And for her, it was that metaphor of a
rocket ship and counting backwards 5 4 3
2 1. And she said in doing that, because
you're counting backwards, it has a
definitive end that it's triggering your
prefrontal cortex, which is the center
for higher cognition. It's where you
start thinking about plans, goals,
things like that. And that actually is,
you know, able to disrupt the patterns
and and help you create a new habit loop
and get you out of bed. And so, I
thought that was actually really really
um smart. And it is a great way. you
have to do something to disrupt the
pattern. Um, so whether it's counting
backwards or whether it's focusing on
what you're trying to accomplish, which
is something I do in the gym a lot
because, you know, I mean, look, I've
talked a lot about this. I never look
forward to working out. Um, and when I
find myself not looking forward to
working out, what I have to do is is
switch my mind over to thinking about
the result. Like, what am I going to get
out of this? What's the point? What's my
why? To use Simon Synx language. And
once you remember what your why is, then
you're able to be motivated by that
thing by hopefully a very compelling
future and get out of bed. But no matter
what, as Mel says, you have to disrupt
that pattern and and trigger something.
Um, so that's sort of the the disrupting
your behavior part, the, you know, going
from the basil ganglia to the um the
neoortex. Then that whole concept of um
silence and hesitation I thought was
really really interesting. And and you
know, how do you not be a silent voice?
And I think everybody, a lot of people
anyway, struggle with this concept of
people want to hear my voice. And they
do. And the reason they do, and maybe
not everybody, right? I don't think
everybody wants to hear my voice. I
think that there are a lot of people
that uh what I have to say doesn't
resonate with them. And at the end of
the day, you're not trying to speak to
everybody. You're trying to find your
tribe. You're trying to find those
people that do resonate with what you
have to say. And you know, I I try to
remind myself that we all have something
to learn from everybody, that everybody
has something to offer us. And if people
can remember that about themselves, I
hope that that's something that really
spurs them to want to be honest with
what they think and feel and um find
other people that, you know, that
resonates with that. You don't have to
think of yourself like a teacher. It's
got to be, you know, just there's
something in you that either you even
want to process out loud um or you want
to share with people and then finding
those people that click with that.
That's very cool. And one of the things
that um I know you really enjoyed about
your talk with Mel and I think a lot of
our audience and and myself as well is
that she's such a student of the brain
and all of her techniques and strategies
are grounded in neuroscience and of
course we know that you're a student of
the brain. U many of the guests who come
on the show are very interested in the
brain. Um is should people become
students of the brain? Should people try
to really understand what's going on in
there in order to move forward? I
actually just had an image of me
grabbing you by the lapel and like
really being on your chest and screaming
at you. Uh, and the reasoning, yes, like
if that hasn't come through yet, loud
and clear in my messaging, I am doing
something wrong. Uh, yeah, everything
changed for me the moment I I became a
student of the brain. And that's why if
you go down my list of the 25 books that
everybody should read, there are several
books on there that are about the brain,
that are about our how we interpret the
world around us. Um, but the, you know,
let me be really really clear and this
this was one of those things that
somehow the imagery really slapped me
awake and I heard this said I'm I am not
um coming up with this. I don't but I
just don't remember where I heard it.
Um, and the person said, "Your brain is
an organ that is that never sees light
and it's trapped in darkness and it is
interpreting chemical and electrical
impulses to create a representation of
the world. Now, that representation is
so good that you're able to move around
the world without bumping into too much
stuff. But at the end of the day, it is
a representation. It is your brain
making things up. It is your brain
filling in gaps, making assumptions,
using heruristics, which is just a fancy
way of saying rules of thumb. Um that
that's why you out of the corner of your
eye, you see a snake, you jump, turn,
and realize it's a stick or it's a hose
or whatever. Um that's uh that's your
brain making assumptions. And it's way
better to assume that that thing is
dangerous and make you prove that it is
innocuous than it is to assume it's
innocuous and have to prove that it's
dangerous. So once you begin to
understand that there are thousands of
biases like that where your brain is
making all these assumptions making you
dance to its tune that until you
understand them you can't take control
of them and if you don't have control of
your brain you're really really in
trouble and for me it's a lot of it
stemmed from uh what I've talked about
with anger I have a very long fuse takes
a long time for me to get angry but once
I do then then I stay angry for a long
time and that just seemed really really
ineffective and so I wanted to get rid
of that pattern and I wanted to break
that and to do that I really had to
figure out what was going on in the
brain. I needed to learn about it. I
needed to know the tricks that my brain
was playing on me. I needed to
understand the evolutionary reasons why
it's doing it because once I could
understand that, once I could visualize
the process, then I knew it was a
process and then I could begin to
disrupt it and use its own techniques
and ability to learn against it if we
can say against it. But yeah, that's
yeah, learn about the brain. Learn
awesome. Uh, let's check in with our
live community. Uh, I want to remind
everyone that's watching us on Facebook
Live and Instagram Live, you can win a
10-minute talk with Tom Billu. Uh, we're
going to give that away. So, share the
feed on Facebook Live. And for IG, if
you want to repost your favorite quote
on Tom's IG account or Impact Theory
guest, do that. Tag us. We'll find you.
We'll put you in the giveaway. Now,
anyone in our live community, do you
have questions about the episode? We do.
Awesome. All right. So one of the first
ones is from Ian. Pis sounds pedic
sounds always on top of it. He is gota
respect it. So if the conventional
understanding of motivation is garbage,
what if anything takes its place? I'll
repeat the question. If the conventional
understanding of motivation is garbage,
what takes its place? Right.
Yeah. So I I will make a clarifying
remark which is I think motivation is
incredible if you follow it up with
action. And motivation is a brain
chemistry state. Feels awesome. that
makes you feel like anything is
possible. And if you've put the habit
loops in place where you can translate
that motivation into action, then you'll
crush it. And I think somebody with
motivation and a massive bias towards
action is always going to beat somebody
that doesn't have motivation and only
has an a bias towards action. But
somebody with only a bias towards action
and no motivation will beat a person
with motivation and no bias towards
action. So they're both very useful. I I
think the ultimate ideal is to have
both. Um, so I don't, you know, it's not
that it's getting replaced by anything.
It's just that it is truly, it's
motivation is like potential. So, and
I've been thinking a lot lately about
how to describe potential. And I want
you to think of um a derelict space in
New York, any major city, some um square
block that is, you know, just dying
grass and like one of those ugly fences
with the post no bills and, you know,
like that's that's potential. It's it's
nothing. It's it often times is is it
looks unckempt, you know what I mean?
But once you realize that you can then
build a skyscraper on that same space
and that that skyscraper could be, you
know, however tall with however many
floors, 10 floors, 30, 50, 60, 100, like
however many floors and then on each
floor in each room, you can do something
with it and it can become highly
productive. And you could have a
nonprofit organization that's trying to
save elephants and what's up, Morgan?
You could have uh you know a a business
that is um teaching people. You could
have uh something for the stock
exchange. I mean literally just the it
is infinite the number of things that
you could do with that. But it all
started with that sort of empty piece of
land that is totally inert until you do
something with it. And I think because
the word potential has all this
connotation, people think of something
beautiful. I want them to think of like
that dead bit of earth with nothing on
it because that's what potential is
until it becomes the skyscraper that is
filled with all these amazing things.
And until you actually do the execution,
there's there's just this ugly piece of
land. I like that metaphor. Well, that's
great. Let's see.
Um, one more. Let's do it. All right.
What you got? All right. So, this one
comes from Chris. Um his question is
apathy. So how to overcome it?
Hesitation is one thing but apathy is
another. The question is how do you
overcome apathy? Hesitation is one thing
but apathy is another. Yeah.
Yeah. So um now we're getting into the
like advanced class stuff here. So uh
the question that always is hard to
answer is I don't have motivation. So
what do I do with that? And the hardest
thing to give somebody is motivation
because it comes from having a
compelling future. Apathy is I used to
have a shirt. I I'm sure I still do. Uh
but I the shirt is hilarious to me. It
says apathy. I could take it or leave
it. God, that's funny to me. Um and when
you're in that position and you
literally you have nothing pushing you
in either direction, that that to me is
is a ring of hell. And the reason it's a
ring of hell is there are people that
have a neurological disorder where they
don't have emotion. And what's
fascinating and I never I should have
but I would never have seen coming the
result of people who can no longer feel
emotion. Do you know what it is? No.
Anybody do you guys know? This is so
fascinating. So what happens when you
can no longer have an emotion? You can't
make decisions. So think about that for
a second. You still have logic. You can
still do math. You could still do
philosophy and reason through and tell
me what Kant's arguments are and um you
could talk nichi like all of it but you
can't decide whether you want fish or
chicken for lunch. Like literally they
cannot do it because they don't have an
emotion that tells them one way or the
other. And so they'll sit there and like
try to logic their way through it and
they'll tell you all the benefits of
fish. They'll tell you all the benefits
of chicken and then they just sit there
totally paralyzed, unable to actually
make a decision. And it it absolutely
destroys their lives. I did not see that
coming. And you know, we think about
emotions being this roller coaster, but
at the end of the day, if you didn't
have that, if there weren't things that
you just felt, you can't move. And so,
we're these animals that are capable of
logic, but absolutely rely on emotion to
be able to help us go in one direction
or another. So, when somebody tells me
that they're apathetic, you don't have
an emotion. Like, there's nothing
pushing you in a direction. And it's
like other than to tell you that you
need to start really thinking really
thinking about the things in your life
that do generate an emotion because you
need to be moving towards those. So if
you're apathetic, man, you're just in
the wrong arena. You're thinking about
the wrong things. You are playing the
wrong [ __ ] game. Like there has to be
something that lights you on fire. And
if
not, like now we're we're in a real
danger zone. Because if you're truly
apathetic, your future is about sitting
in a room staring at a wall. And if that
seems like ridiculous to you, I'd never
sit in a room and stare at a wall. Then
you're only apathetic about something,
like whatever is compelling you to not
sit in a room and stare at a wall, do
that. And if it's video games, find a
way to monetize that. If it's comic
books, find a way to make a living at
that. If it's just like I want to go and
help people, okay, great. Like at least
that's a starting point. Now, let's
break it down. In what way? In what
country? Like for instance, I was just
thinking about this for some reason with
what we want to do with impact theory.
Like I think that there is a lot of
turmoil in the world, but I want to
start at home, right? That just
motivates me. I want to start right
here. I think that there are problems
that we have right here. When I think
about things that are going on in the
inner cities and all the things that we
struggle with right here in my own
backyard, like I want to start there.
Doesn't mean that's better. I think it's
amazing that there are people that want
to go do things in other places in the
world. But you've got to go to where
you're drawn. And I happen to be drawn
to my backyard. So, you know, whatever
that thing is that lights you on fire,
whatever that thing is, and and maybe it
doesn't start as a fire, it starts just
as an interest. Breathe breathe into
that. Breathe life into that and chase
it. And it all comes back to action,
right? If you don't Sure. But his whole
thing is like, I I'm apathetic, so why
the [ __ ] would I take an action? But go
experience something. Go take action to
have more experiences to find out what
I'm apathetic. I I have no desire. But
doesn't that freak you out? It freaks me
out. And and I I have to believe that
for everybody who says that they're
apathetic, there is something that
they're not apathetic about. And I think
they have to put all their attention on
that because you're right, like once you
can get them acting, once you can get
them out in the world experiencing
things that then it's a snowball, right?
And it'll take care of itself. But when
they really are too apathetic to even
like get out of bed, like that's where
you have real problems. And that's where
you have to paint a picture. You have to
get excited about your future. There has
to be something that you can hold on to
cuz life has to be about pushpull.
There's got to be something that's
pulling you that you're just you're just
naturally excited about it.
Right. All right. One of the uh one of
the things that really struck me in this
episode was how Mel talked about micro
decisions and micro choices that we all
make every day. The little things that
add up to big things, the small actions
that have um major impacts in your life
or in your future. And I'm going to read
a quote. She says,"None of us wake up
and say, "Today is the day I destroy my
life." What we do is we kind of check
out because it feels overwhelming or
we're afraid or we start listening to
self-doubt.
What do you think about micro decisions?
And is that something that you're
actively sort of contemplating on a
day-to-day basis? The small actions you
take, the small thought processes you
have. What are your thoughts there?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like that that's a
really big deal. And when she said that,
I was I was like, man, you're absolutely
right. And you know, that whole concept
of change your decisions, change your
life. Um, and I think people think about
the really big stuff a lot and they
don't necessarily think about the small
little things that they do every day
become their habits and those habits
turn into really your life and they
begin to define you. Um, and that's like
the gym for me, right? So the gym for me
was ways for me to earn credibility with
myself through um micro goals. So I'm
going to show up at the gym today. I'm
going to, you know, curl this weight and
then a week from now I'm going to be
able to curl like two pounds more.
Right? It didn't have to be something
massive, but all these little things
begin to add up. And the the same is so
true of skill acquisition. You know, it
always starts really really small. And
so letting yourself be overwhelmed by
the, you know, the gestalt of everything
like everything in totality is is a
mistake of cognition because you're
you're focusing just on everything all
at once. When in reality it's, you know,
once you can break those things down
into micro decisions, into small things
that you focus on, then you really can
begin um to to pick a focus to go down a
path. Um and and the ability and
willingness quite frankly to exclude
things is really really important. And
this is something that I think paralyzes
a lot of people is they get caught up
where if you don't make a decision the
everything is possible, right? And I
actually run into this on the weekends
sometimes where the weekend is is so
infinite in its possibilities because I
can do anything I want. I could lay in
bed. I could play video games. I could
literally just leech onto my wife and
hold on to her for hours of choice. Yes.
And until you're willing to shut a door
on things and say this is what I'm
doing, it it's weird how it paralyzes
you. Can I tell a story, please? Uh, a
couple years ago, my New Year's
resolution was
to smile at people I pass in the hall
and say hi. Wow. And the reason was, so
living in Los Angeles, people don't
really, you know, it's not like a place
where people talk to each other on the
street where they wave and say hi. It's
just not very common, right? Do you find
that to be true? My wife thinks you're
crazy because as a Brit she was like thi
this is so weird like but I don't want
to derail your story because maybe from
an American sensibility it probably is a
lot less but for Brits it's weird. I
think for for a major city it's a little
I don't want to use the term cold but
people aren't as open. You know they
have places to be. They have places to
go. So I was always passing people where
I lived and walking by and just in my
own head thinking about things and not
really interacting. And so I wanted to
take a small action that I think had
large implications. And so for me it was
smiling, saying hi to people made me
feel better. First off, I started to
feel like I'm part of a community. I'm
interacting with people. And then I was
hoping that it also made those people
feel better, right? Maybe they were
having a bad day. Maybe that hello or
that smile made them feel better. Maybe
they smiled and said hello to someone
else and then on. So I'm a big believer
in micro decisions and micro choices.
They can change your life. That is a
really powerful example. I'd love that,
man. Great. All right, let's go back to
our community who's on live right now.
Do we have any questions? Yeah. Um, so
we have one from B. What about ongoing
motivation? How do you sustain and
develop grip? So, um, because he thinks
that her tool is powerful for the first
few steps, but what about the hundth day
of working out or grinding? A lot of
motivation questions today. I love it.
This is a this is a big big one for our
community. So the question I'll just
repeat it for the podcast. What about
ongoing motivation? How do you sustain
yourself? It's easy to get started on
the first or second day, but what about
100 days in? How do you keep going?
Yeah. So um in in the question they hint
at this notion of developing grit, which
I think already is just powerful
powerful. And if you read Angela
Duckworth's book, Grit, she talks about
that in the book, how it really is like
a muscle and you can develop it over
time and your ability to do that. Um,
and there are small things that you can
do to develop your grit. Um, such as uh
what I do with going to the gym and you
Oh, can we talk about uh dryuary?
Dryanuary. Dryanuary. All right. So, I'd
never heard of this. Um, and Agent Smith
was saying
today it's pretty well first tell people
what dryuary is. So dry January is when
you do not drink any alcohol for the
month of January. And what I love is he
was like, "No matter how you explain it
to people, you sound like an alcoholic."
He's like, "I'm not an alcoholic." But
when you you gave a reason for why you
do it, and I think it's worth sharing
with people. So two reasons. One is uh
breaking routine. Um because I think
while it's important to develop strong
habits and good routines, there's also
some negative routines that get you into
a sort of an automatic thinking mode
that can be damaging or it limits
creativity, let's say. So breaking
routine, so not coming home after a long
day of work and having a beer, right?
Doing something else, finding another
way to relax. Um so that was the one.
But the second one is that it helps me
develop my self-discipline. So when I
say I'm going to go 31 days, I'm not
going to have any sub of alcohol for 31
days. And then each day that I add on, I
feel stronger and stronger and I can
apply that to other parts of my life.
Dude, that is so powerful. And I hope
everybody out there is listening. It's
it's totally something that you just
made up and you decide, hey, I'm going
to do this. Um, and sticking with it
really does develop your discipline. It
it helps you begin to develop your grit.
Now there's a technique that I use
called bright lines. Bright lines to me
are it is how I have had a physical
transformation. So one thing that
anybody who's paying close attention
will notice about me is I eat at exact
times. And I should say I never eat
before an exact time. So um I eat in the
morning. I um my first meal is is a
little squishy because it it's usually
based on when I wake up. Um, but I never
eat I never, this is gonna be funny. I
don't know that I've ever said this. I
never eat before my dogs. Um, because
that just feels mean uh for me to eat
and not feed them. And I never feed them
before 7. So I never uh eat before 7:00.
Even if I wake up at 2:00 in the
morning, I'm not going to eat before 7.
And I usually push it back a little bit
later than that. Um, and then my next
meal is at 11:30. So if I eat right at
7:00 a.m. cuz I'm just starving, uh, I
know that I'm not going to eat again
until 11:30. period. Doesn't matter.
That's a bright line. End of. Uh, and
the same with 3:00. I'm going to eat at
11:30. I'm going to eat at 3. Doesn't
matter how hungry I am. Doesn't matter
how much I want to eat before that time.
I'm not going to eat before 3. And
people have been like, dude, it's like 2
minutes. Like, why don't you eat? And
I'm like, that's the whole point of
bright lines is you're you're forcing
yourself to be disciplined. You're
forcing yourself to say, I eat at this
time. That's it. And so if you're doing
dryanuary
uh or you know anything like that, Lent
or whatever where it's something that
you give up or I remember I did a 3-day
fast and um it was a a what I'll call
water and soda only and soda meaning
diet soda. So there were zero calories.
Um and I had a brutal headache. Day two,
oh my god, my head hurt so bad. It was
unbelievable. And I really wanted to
take Advil, but I thought, "What if
there's calories in Advil? I would feel
like a cheater." And I was like, "Bright
lines, baby. Bright lines." So, I just
had to grind it out and like deal with
the [ __ ] headache. But it's when you
do things like that, to your point about
micro decisions. When you do something
like that, you really develop the grit.
You develop the perseverance. You
develop your your willingness to push
something out. I'm telling you, it has a
massive impact because you earn
credibility with yourself. Like even
just think about the mileage I get out
of that three-day fast story, which I've
been telling, you know, for like two
years now. It's things like that. Like
you, you know who you are in those
moments, right? Nobody was looking.
Nobody was looking when I had that
headache, right? I could have taken some
Advil in the middle of the night. Nobody
would have known, but I would have
known. Right. Right. And so, and then it
wouldn't matter. Maybe other people
would think, "Oh, amazing that he was
able to do this three-day fast, but I
would know I didn't do the three-day
fast." So, you earn credibility with
yourself in those moments when nobody's
watching. Use bright lines as a
technique to extend your discipline,
extend your grit. Um, and it can be over
little stupid things like, "I'm not
going to um check social media for a day
or an hour, whatever." Like, whatever
your thing is, but like you draw the
bright line and then you don't bend on
that for any reason. Where'd you get
that name bright lines? I every word out
of my mouth. Every word out of my mouth
assume I read somewhere. Okay. Right. So
I I try to remember where I find all
this stuff. The problem is I may have
read the bright lines thing and thought,
"Oh, that's interesting." And but it
didn't like really solidify in my mind
for like two more books. And so then I'm
like, "Wait, which book did I read that
in?" So, oh man, it is it is with
heartbreak and shame that I admit to
every author that I have unintentionally
plagiarized. I do not intend to
plagiarize. I love giving credit. Uh,
but alas, I don't remember where I read
that. Bright lines. Bright lines. Bright
lines. I I bet if you drop that into
Google, though, I bet you will come up
with an answer. ASAP Rocky. So, I also
didn't name Dry Anuary. That's a thing.
You did not. I did not. In fairness, and
I said something that kind of made it
sound like you did, but it actually goes
back to monks. Really? Like, yeah. Like
back I don't know, hundreds of years
monks would do it because I guess they
would party it up for Christmas. And
they Yeah, they did like their wine.
Yeah, they did like their wine. All
right. Um, let's check in with our live
community. I want to remind everyone we
have some giveaways going. You can share
this live feed on Facebook. You can post
your favorite Impact Theory quote uh or
Tom Billilly quote on Instagram. You can
win 10 minutes of FaceTime with this
guy, Tom Bilu. Let's do it. Um we got
another one. Let's launch this. So, we
just did a giveaway. I'm sorry. We just
did an Impact Books, which if you
haven't checked out, you should
definitely check out. That is on the
podcast as well as on YouTube. We're
reviewing books. Um, the most recent one
was Shoe Dog by Phil Knight, which you
loved. I loved it, too. It was a good
book, dude. That that so well written.
So well written. Yeah. Uh, it rocked me.
It was amazing. You really felt like
you're on the journey with him. I cannot
recommend that one enough. Whether you
want to be an entrepreneur or not, just
it's a tale of grit, man. It's a tale of
a of somebody who loves something and
they stuck it out and everybody thought
they were crazy. And yeah, you know, I
mean, he's he's built something
incredible that's endured, you know, for
decades. It's the tale of Nike if you're
not familiar. So, um, it's a great book
and you can win it. We're going to give
it away. All you need to do is send us a
screen grab of your rate and review on
iTunes. So, as you know, trying to build
the podcast. We want to get on new and
noteworthy. We need some more reviews.
We already have 60, which is great. And
people have been very uh very nice in
their praise and very supportive, and we
really appreciate that. and we're just
looking for some more people to jump out
there and write some reviews. Yeah, that
would be amazing. Goes a long way
towards um obviously building the
channel and then getting people on the
show. Like you have to understand when
we go to get guests, the first question
they have is like how many subscribers
do you have and uh how many downloads
and all that stuff. And so we're in the
building phase and right now I think
everybody in this company owes a debt of
gratitude to a one Mr. Christopher
McDonald. the cold child. This kid named
him Mr. Finesse. Yeah. Yes. Oh god, we
have to call him that. Uh, that comes
was that his in-laws that called him
that? His father-in-law, Mr. Finesse.
Uh, yeah. Christopher Christopher has
game. You have to see photos of him from
like grade school. He had game back
then. Uh, but he is the reason that we
get the amazing guests we get on the
show. We'd like to make his job a lot
easier and you guys can help us with
that by um helping build the community,
getting the numbers up and and um yeah,
that's that's what we need. Awesome. All
right, let's dive back into the episode
a little bit. Um here's a quote.
Confidence is not a personality trait,
it's a skill. That's something that Mel
mentions and talks a lot about
confidence in the episode. So, I have a
question for you. You've interviewed,
hired, managed thousands of people in
your time at Quest. Have you found this
to be true? Confidence is a skill, not a
personality trait. Oh, I don't. Yeah,
there's there's no finding it. It is
just true. So, the one thing I think
everybody has to embrace is that
everything in your life is a skill. None
of it is a personality trait. I think
that we may have uh predispositions
towards things, but there's a great Tony
Robbins quote. He says, "Intelligence
really matters, but we all know
incredibly smart people that can't fight
their way out of a wet paper bag." So
you may be extroverted by nature, but
that doesn't mean that you know how to
leverage that to get what you want to
build a vision and to rally people
around your vision. Uh it doesn't mean
that you're going to be confident. In
fact, and that was Mel, right? Yeah. And
she talked about that. Exactly. She
said, "Look, I was extroverted, but I
was really insecure." And so while I may
be loud and I may be um boisterous, it
wasn't coming from a place of
confidence. And so until it was coming
from a place of confidence, she wasn't
able to be as effective as she wanted to
be. So understanding certainly certainly
that confidence is something that you
really have to cultivate. And I think
honestly um I wrote this out once and
and I I liked how it came out, but I did
not memorize uh the thought, but it goes
something like this. And I think this
was in my IG feed. Um it all starts with
belief, right? So if you want to be
confident, first you just have to
believe in yourself even when you know
it's a lie. Okay? Even when you have no
earthly right to be confident, you have
to be confident. I will give you a great
example. I am going to get Nike to do a
signature shoe. Now, I have no earthly
right to believe that that is going to
happen, but since I have been putting
that out there, since I've been telling
anyone who will listen that I'm going to
get my signature Nike shoe, I'm going to
be the first entrepreneur with his own
shoe. It is freaky how many people are
like, "Oh, I can help you with that."
I've had high level I have had highlevel
conversations with people at Nike
already about getting this shoe. You
just started saying that like a couple
weeks ago. Yes. Yeah. And and it's like
it it's crazy town. So, and I started
saying it because I know that it starts
with belief. If I can't like imagine you
have a call with Nike and I'm like,
"Yeah, I don't know why you guys would
do this either. They're never going to
do it." Right? So, but I've got a tight
pitch about why it makes sense. I've
looked at it from their perspective only
so that when I'm talking to them, I'm
not saying why it's good for me. I'm
saying this is why it's going to be good
for you. This is what I'm going to be
able to bring to you guys. It's my whole
thing about adding value, which it's
exactly what you need to do if you want
to get a job somewhere. It's all the
same things. In fact, I wrote an article
about this and I said whether you're
applying for a job or you want to have a
highle business meeting. Here are the
tactics that you need to use. And it
works, man. It works. Go in figure out
what their pain points are. Figure out
how you can deliver against that. But it
all started with me believing that I
could do it. And because I believed it,
then I started to build the the world
around what I would need to do to
execute against that. And then you start
putting it out there and you start
realizing that you're being taken
seriously, which then actually makes you
start believing. Then you believe it
even more. So now you're taking more
seriously. And it becomes this virtuous
cycle. But it started with me having the
guts to believe that it made sense. It
starts with that belief. So if you want
to have confidence, you just have to
believe that you're the kind of person
that should be confident. That's where
it starts. And then you'll acquire the
skills. But until you believe that it
makes sense, you're never going to do
it. There it is. All right, let's kick
it over to our live audience. Any
questions about the episode? So, this
one comes from Caroline Melanie Meyer on
Instagram. Have you ever realized some
of your bright lines/habits were not
good eventually? How do you evaluate
their impact on your life? Yeah, no
question. I think people have to be
constantly evolving. Um, I'm terrified.
So, there's a laundry list apparently of
things that I'm terrified of. And one of
them is my thoughts calcifying into
dogma. Um, and what I mean by that is if
you believe things strongly enough, they
become unchecked things in your mind
that you just adhere to them all the
time and you stop looking at the
results. And to answer your question
directly, I'm always looking at the
results that I'm getting from something.
So I may believe something with
conviction, but if I'm not getting the
results, I have to be willing to look at
that and then reassess the belief that's
driving the behavior. And I try to do
that all the time. And like even in this
episode, so I've talked a lot about um
this that you have to practice things
and there's usually a period of
awkwardness and all that. So right
before we start rolling, my wife says,
"Um, hey, stop looking into space. It's
like super distracting. Either look at
Jared or look at the
cameras." I was like, "But I I don't
look into space like I'm looking into
space because I'm thinking or whatever."
And she was basically like, "I can
either give you the advice and you can
take it uh or you can keep doing
something stupid." She was very sweet.
it that wasn't how I just did it again.
Me staring off into space. Uh but I have
to train myself out of it. So in this
episode I have literally been practicing
that right from you to the cameras. From
the cameras back to you and trying Great
job. Thank you. And trying not to uh
look off, but because it's like minute
noon, it's so easy to just look that
way. So when my brain is just processing
data, I sort of blankly um go to that.
But you have to be willing to to check
from the dumbest little simple things
like where your ey line is um to your
biggest most cherished beliefs. And I
try to always be willing to check those
cherished beliefs entirely based on
results. That's really interesting. And
that's something I want to follow up on
because I think a lot of our negative
habits can also be happening. You're
sort of unconscious like you're you're
not paying attention to them. So, how do
you become more aware of all of those
things or all of those beliefs that are
actually harming you? Yeah. So, let's
start with you're the average of the
five people you spend the most time
with, right? So, my wife had the balls
to say, "Don't do that." And it probably
would have been a little bit harder for
you guys because you don't want to hurt
my feelings and neither does she, but
she knows she has such a bank of
credibility with me that she loves me
and she's always there for me that she
can throw things out like and it did
sting, right? because it was like this
criticism of my performance and nobody
ever wants to hear like all I want to
hear is that I do everything perfectly.
God that would be amazing. But then I
would know unfortunately if that were
true then the results that I'm getting
now are the results that I'll get
forever because I I believe in every
moment in your lives whatever skill set
you have today has already taken you as
far as it's going to go. And if you want
to go any farther then you have to
incrementally develop better skills.
Period. So I'm not happy with where we
are as a company. I'm not happy with
what we've accomplished. I'm not happy
with the size of the community. So, I
know that it isn't just, and it would be
tempting to say, "Well, it's just time.
Be patient." You guys know my rage about
patience. I don't think patience is uh a
virtue. I think that you need to be
going all out all the time for a very
long time. And that's the key. I I know
some of the greatest minds in the world
are saying be patient. And I know what
they mean. What they mean is to do your
activity over a very very long period of
time. Um, I just think it it warrants
saying that you need to be going full
speed all the time and that the if
you're going to call it patience, I
actually think it's it's I'm never going
to call it patience. I think that it's a
dangerous word that puts people in the
wrong frame of mind. Um, but I do get
that you have to do it over a very very
long time consistently over time. Um,
and I just don't allow myself the
temptation to believe that time passing,
doing what I'm doing now is going to be
enough. I think that I always have to be
learning. So, you need to surround
yourself with people that are going to
check you, that are going to point out
the things you're doing wrong. And by
the way, your haters give you amazing
advice. So, um, I always read the
negative comments that people post. And,
um, got a great piece of advice from,
um, oh god, why am I blame? Neil
Strauss, uh, brilliant author. This
guy's amazing and had him on Inside
Quest. And he said, you know, when
people give you feedback, you need to
take it, look at it, and decide, am I
going to, and he did this thing
motioning towards his head, am I going
to assimilate it into my worldview or am
I going to reject it? And he said, "If
you choose to reject something, but it
keeps coming back, keeps coming back
from multiple respected sources,
ultimately you're going to have to like
take it in." But you got to you have to
be discerning, right? So, if I see one
negative piece of comment, I probably
will um I'll think through it, but if it
doesn't resonate, then I'll just move
on. But if I keep hearing that same
negative piece of content or uh
feedback, then I'll assimilate it.
Awesome.
Do you keep a phone in your bedroom? I
do. I keep it right next to me. Really?
And this is a piece of advice that like
I don't quite understand. Um and I guess
it's because I have a I don't even have
a bright line. I never [ __ ] with my
phone in the middle of the night. So it
it doesn't even occur to me. Um so I
guess I just don't have like whatever
that problem is. And am I the only one?
Like my phone is a source of [ __ ]
anxiety. Like I'm not diving to pick up
my phone in the morning like that. Yeah.
I don't even think about it. It's not
like my somebody's I it was Mel who was
like, "Oh, you keep checking your email
because like you get good emails." And I
was like, "I don't check my [ __ ]
email because all I get is like this
overwhelming amount of [ __ ] other people
want me to do, right?" And it's like,
you're not the boss of me. Like you
don't get to control my agenda. So like
I'm a I'm a freak about not checking
email. So anyway, my phone doesn't call
to me like maybe it calls to other
people. Um so yeah, I have zero problem
with having my phone in my room. I use
it as an alarm. uh as an emergency alarm
and even that I don't wake up to my
alarm but like once out of a hundred
times.
So I don't have that problem. All right,
fair enough. All right, let's go back to
our community. Any questions coming in
about the episode? Uhhuh. So we've got
this one from
Gonzas from Instagram. Tom, what would
you what do you do when you try to teach
something you know is important, like
the 5-second rule, to someone you love,
but they don't accept it because they
have a fixed mindset. So, the question
is, what do you do when you try to teach
something important to someone you love,
like the 5-second rule, for example, um,
but they don't listen because they have
a fixed mindset. There are few things
harder in this world than loving
somebody who's struggling, right? I
think we can all agree to that. that's
really really brutally difficult. Um,
I'm not in the game of teaching. So, I I
love the people in my life and if
they're struggling, I have wild amounts
of empathy for that. Um, and it makes me
very sad and I, you know, want to see
them be happy and I want to see them
achieve, but my job is not to convince
them. And nothing will make people
resent you more than trying to convince
them of anything. And I used to do that
a lot. Um, and it just became abundantly
clear that that was a losing strategy.
So now I just want people to feel good
when they are around me. I want them to
feel better about themselves when
they're near me than they feel when
they're not near me. And that has
nothing to do with trying to change
them. That has everything to do with
loving them for who they are, all their
faults and foibless and and not even
thinking about that. Like I'm just
thinking about like the things about
them that are so joyous to be around and
focusing on that. And the only jiu-jitsu
that I play um with people is if they're
trying to go negative. Like I I don't
put up with that. So um I'll flip that
and redirect the energy. And um I hate
how um woo wooy that sounds, but
negative energy like I mean that in the
way that if you're talking about
something incessantly that is making me
feel worse about my life, um I'm going
to redirect that. And and it's as simple
as like changing the topic, you know,
and moving on to something that's
positive. And and normally a technique
that I use, I use this a lot. If
somebody's dwelling on negative [ __ ] I
just say, "I want to ask you a quick
question. I'm super interested to hear
the answer. What do you find most
exciting about your life right now?" And
it just redirects, right? It's not a
commentary. I don't go, "God damn, like
you're being so negative. Shut up." Like
that is not useful. Yeah. Um, so instead
just ask them what they're excited
about. Gratitude is another one, right?
Gratitude is a super powerful tool. So
asking someone or practicing yourself,
what are the things I'm grateful for
today? Right? Doing it in the morning,
doing it at the end of the day. Don't
you think there's a there's like a
little judgment in that word? I'd be
super tense to use that with somebody
who isn't like in the sort of gratitude
world. Like if I said, uh, you know, I'm
thinking of certain people in my life
and I said, and they're in a like, you
know, a [ __ ] session and I said, what
are you grateful for? it may be the
right time like h I think they're gonna
like their hackles will be up a bit but
for somebody like me for somebody like
you who's sort of in that world and
maybe has a gratitude practice in the
morning and stuff like you get it and so
it wouldn't feel judgmental but I know
your audience yeah and I'm always a
little little tense about that word all
right other questions from the live
audience yeah okay so this one comes
from Bo on Facebook Mel suggested
counting down from five is Is that what
you actually do or do you have a
different strategy for resetting? So,
the question is Mel had suggested
counting down from five. That's her
5-second rule. Is that something you
actually do or do you have a different
strategy? When I was reading your book,
I actually did it um cuz I wanted to see
like if it would work. And I actually
found that it it is kind of interesting.
Like it does do what she's talking about
where it disrupts some sort of pattern
that you're in. Um, I have not done it
consistently since then because I find
that that isn't where I struggle. Um, I
don't struggle with action. I don't get
lost in in hesitation. Um, but having
done it a couple times, I could feel
that it was kicking in that same
mechanism that I've taught myself to
kick in, which is to redirect your
energy, to always move forward, um, to
take action. And and because I've built
like every bit of my identity around
being actionoriented, having a massive
bias towards action, um I'm not I'm not
sort of reaching for that. But as far as
a tool for somebody that hasn't built in
those mechanisms yet, I think it's
really really powerful and I would
encourage anybody to try it. You know
what it reminded me of? Um when you do
guided meditation and you know you're
supposed to be focusing, right? focusing
on your breath, focusing on counting,
um, and your thoughts kind of trail off
and then you're supposed to guide
yourself back to breathing or the
counting, right, to stay focused. It
kind of reminded me of that because it's
like she talks about moving from thought
into action. A lot of times our thoughts
spin out of control. We're going down
these paths that we don't need to be
going down. And if we just count to
five, we can get oursel back focused on
the thing that we need to be working on
and that's ahead of us. Yeah, that makes
a lot of sense to me. Makes a lot of
sense. And when I'm meditating, focusing
on this the part of the breath cycle
that I'm in really really helps. So, I
can totally see that. Yeah. All right.
Any more questions from our live
audience?
Um, we have some that may not be related
to the episode.
Yeah, we'll take them.
Okay.
So, can you speak, this comes from
warrior. Um, can you speak on calculated
risk and how and when to decide whether
to dive into something? Um, completely
different.
So, the question is, can you speak on
calculated risks and how and when to
decide to dive into something?
Yeah. So, to me, this comes down to what
are you trying to accomplish with your
life? What are the goals you've set out
for yourself? And having really clear
goals and knowing what you want is