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Language: en
بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيم
السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُه
الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ عَلَى إِحْسَانِهِ، وَالشُّكْرُ لَهُ عَلَى تَوْفِيقِهِ وَامْتِنَانِه
أَشْهَدُ أَن لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا الله وَحْدَهُ لَا شَرِيكَ لَهُ تَعْظِيمًا لِشَأْنِهِ
وَأَشْهَدُ أَنَّ مُحَمَّدًا عَبْدُهُ وَرَسُولُهُ الدَّاعِي إِلَى رِضْوَانِهِ،
أَللَّهُمَّ صَلِى عَلَيهِ وعَلَ أَلِهِ وَأَصْحَابِهِ وَإِخْوَانِهِ
Brothers and Sisters, Ladies and Gentlemen blessed by Allah the Exalted
Praise be to Allah, we utter our praise and gratitude to Allah for all the gifts that Allah has given us
May blessings and peace of Allah be upon our beloved, the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ
and also to his family, as well as all his companions without exception
On this occasion, we will bring the topic of how the methods exemplified by the Messenger of Allah ﷺ
when facing the problems of household life
We know that what is called household life must be problematic
moreover those present in front of me, I think most of you are already married
for those who are still single, let's just pray for them, because their condition is very sad
Everyone certainly wants and dreams of having a house life that is always comfortable, full of laughter and jokes without any problems,
but that is an almost impossible matter
There are indeed some examples, but it is very rare to have a household life without problems
Among the amazing stories are the words of Imam Ahmad bin Hambal may Allah have mercy on him
He said,
أَقَامَتْ أُمُّ صَالِحٍ مَعِيْ عِشْرِيْنَ سَنَةً
فَمَا اخْتَلَفْتُ أَنَا وَهِيَ فِيْ كَلِمَةٍ
Imam Ahmad - may Allah have mercy on him - said
"Ummu Salih was married to me for 20 years, I have never had a dispute with her in a single word"
It's an amazing thing, how a man living with his wife of 20 years doesn't quarrel
I myself once went on umrah with one of the brothers from Bekasi,
It's just that at that time I didn't record his name, and I didn't save his phone number either
We chatted, then he said,
"Alhamdulillah Ustaz, I have just done hijrah"
"maybe in these two or three years that I just joined the Islamic gathering (learning an Islamic lecture)"
"Subhanallah Ustaz, after I studied, I never have a fight with my wife anymore"
"Even though we used to fight a lot before, but after attending the lecture, I never had a fight with my wife anymore"
"until sometimes I miss making dispute again"
But something like that is rare, rare and almost non-existed
We know the reality in marriage there must be things that don't match, once or twice, and that's normal
Therefore, Allah the Exalted destined our Messenger, Prophet Muhammad ﷺ to be married
Even the Prophet had a exclusivity, he could have more than four wives, even the Prophet's wives were nine with him
When he died, he had nine wives
and it turns out that there were household problems in the life of the Prophet ﷺ
Allah destined it so that we can emulate the Prophet ﷺ, an example of how when he faced the conflicts of house life
Most of the house problems, that occurred in the life of the Prophet and his wives, were due to jealousy
moreover the Prophet was polygamous
We know the potential for conflict when we have polygamy is greater than when we do not dare to be polygamous
then the potential for conflict in our household should be less compared to people who live in polygamy
This further strengthens that Islam is a perfect religion
so when the Prophet's was in his last pilgrimage, hajjatul wada', farewell pilgrimage, when in the field of arafah, the word of Allah came down,
الْيَوْمَ أَكْمَلْتُ لَكُمْ دِينَكُمْ
On this day I have perfected for you your religion
So that the problems we face in this worldly life have solutions
Even to the point of how to have a good household, even more than that, how to deal with household conflicts, there are examples
and we won't find that in other religions
If we explore and study any religion, there is no discussion like this, which is only in Islam
However, even though household problems arise,
but we must know, if the quantity is only once or twice, once a month, twice a month
that’s still normal and that’s a little bit, and that’s reasonable
But if it's dispute every day, it means it's not normal, it means our household is unhealthy
means we are suffering, we and our wives are suffering
But if in a year you only nag a little, then that's normal, maybe even we have been accustomed to, right?
we grumble, she also grumbles, once a month is normal, moreover if it's only twice a year
But if it's every day, twice a week, three times a week, it means that something is wrong
we must fix it immediately, instead of living in a condition full of suffering
We want to get happiness in this world before in the hereafter
we want to realize the words of some people,
"My home is my heaven"
We want when we leave the house, we immediately miss our wife
we want to gather with children and wife, we feel peace in our household
However, Allah the Exalted destined that in the house of the most pious person in this universe,
the house of the Prophet and his wives, there were also household problems
Allah destined it nothing but because that we can see how the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ faced this problem
The Prophet must have been married to his wife for a long time, thirteen years, and there was more than that.
But those problems can be counted on the fingers
And Subhanallah, the Prophet faced various kinds of problems with various methods
There are some scholars who collect up to eleven methods of dealing with household problems
It means, if I will convey all, time is not enough, but I will only convey some of it
Brothers and Sisters blessed by Allah the Exalted, then I remind myself personally, to the Gentlement and Ladies
before I convey further about this material, we should straighten our intentions to be able to practice what we hear
not just as an insight, not to be used as an argument to disprove our wives
or conversely, the ladies make what is heard as an argument for arguing her husbands, "see, you were wrong"
Do not! I don't want that
We listen to what is conveyed, from the hadiths of the Prophet ﷺ in order for us to practice
to improve the condition of our household
If it's already good then we beautify, if there are shortcomings then we fix, because we all want to be happy
Well, Brothers and Sisters blessed by Allah the Exalted, the Prophet ﷺ said in his hadith,
خِيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِهِ
The best of you in the sight of Allah is the best to his wife
وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِي
And I'm the best husband for my family amongst you
We must memorize this, especially gentlemen,
that if you want to be the best in the sight of Allah, one of the easy ways is to be the best for your wife
It is true that the doors to heaven are many,
with fasting one can enter paradise, with jihad one can enter paradise, by giving charity one can enter paradise,
with night prayer one can enter paradise, by filial piety to both parents one can enter paradise,
but among the wide open doors given to us is to be the best husband for our wives
that's because we experience it every day
We give alms maybe occasionally, we pray at night not necessarily every day, we read the Qur'an also, may not be so much
but interaction with wife, it is almost every day
If you want to open the gates of paradise and get as much reward as possible,
الخيرية
wanting to be the best in the sight of Allah, among them is by being the best husband for your wife
In dealing, in facing the problems, be the best husband,
until finally your wife is proud of you
If she tells her friends, "My husband, Masha Allah"
"Why sisters?", they ask
"Well, I don't have to tell you, my husband is top", your wife says it
If your wife has said so, Allah willing, you are the best in the sight of Allah the Exalted
But if your wife confides,
"my husband, Masha Allah, may Allah forbid"
this is problem
Then we have to introspect
Because I see a phenomenon that occurred, a man smiles easily to his friends, easy to forgive,
treating here and there, wasting his time chatting with his friends
but to his wife is not like that, pretentious busy, showing his dignity, and others
Likewise women, O Ladies, if you want to go to paradise, be the best wife
did not the Prophet ﷺ once ask a woman,
What are you doing?
أَذَاتُ زَوْجٍ أَنْتِ؟
"Do you have a husband?"
The woman said, "Yes"
the Prophet said, "What did you do with your husband?"
she said, "I try to do the best for my husband"
إِلَّا مَا عَجَزْتُ عَنْهُ
"Except for what I can't afford, the woman said
So the Prophet ﷺ said to the woman,
انْظُرِي أَيْنَ أَنْتِ مِنْهُ، فَإِنَّهُ جَنَّتُكِ وَنَارُكِ
"See how your position is in the heart of your husband, indeed your husband is your paradise or your hell"
the Ladies should also remember this, if you want to reach paradise, make your husband pleased
make your husband happy to meet you, make him, when he leaves the house, wants to go home, no matter what
Find a way to make your husband wants to go home, not the contrary, make him happy when he leaves the house
Don't let him be uneasy at home, phone here and there, want to meet friends, if this is the case, there is a problem
I have a friend,
This is just a story, if you want to hear it, you can, like it or if not, please close your ears
(congregation laughs)
I have a friend, his wives are three
the Ladies, please be grateful for what you have
so his wives are three, he said to me,
"Ustaz, Masha Allah my wives are all good, but my number two wife is Masha Allah"
"When I enter the house, the service is extraordinary, before I came she asked what he wanted to eat, then she prepared it"
"then when he got home, she took the fish, removed all its bones for me"
"MashaAllah, so I simply ate well"
"she took off my shoes, she took off my socks, Masha Allah"
This is why my friend loves his second wife so much, why? Because the devotion is amazing
the attention to her husband is extraordinary, a woman like this is a woman who lives in paradise
So Ladies, if you can serve your husband as best as possible, that's all the reward
husband comes, wife kisses his hand, she takes off his shoes, takes off his clothes, prepares towels if he wants to take a shower,
If he has long nails, trim his nails, if he has long mustache, make up his mustache.
If his teeth are yellow, brush his teeth, if you can, yes
so that she can be the best wife for her husband, and that is paradise for a woman
It must be embedded in us in our soul
that the best of you in the sight of Allah is the best for his wife
what I mean Brothers and Sisters, Ladies and Gentlemen,
If we do good to others, then our partner is more important for us to be good to
If we forgive others easily, our wife is more important for us to forgive
if it is easy for us to forgive our friend, our husband is more important for us to forgive
if we make time for other people, then for the wife, for the husband, it's more important for us to make time
Don't let us be wrong on making the priority
for others, we are amazing, we spend the money, our time is wasted, but for the wife, for the husband, it's hard to do it all
This is the wrong way to set priority, that's why we don't achieve happiness, our happines is outside the house
I often say, a man, who seeks happiness outside the home, is an unhappy man, bullshit if he is happy
What is a happy man? He wants to go back home
going out a little, he wants to go home, wants to meet the wife, wants to chat with the wife, chat with the wife
it is indeed a happy man
But if he doesn't like talking to his wife, tired of seeing her face,
not yet entered the house, he already imagined her scolding,
before he got home he was tormented, let alone when he got home?
There are always endless troubles, every day is dispute, this is a suffered man, pitiful
So we have to convince ourselves, because when we live this household life, not just worldly activities
Behind our attitude towards our wives, behind the wife's attitude towards her husband, behind all of that there are rewards and sins
If we treat our wives with the right intentions, then everything is worth the reward
Do you think when smiling to your wife you aren't rewarded? You indeed get a reward
If you smile to people you get a reward, let alone if you smile to your wife
especially children
Set aside time to chat with your wife
Then we must keep this in mind
so that it is really ingrained in our heart that our partner is the most important person for us to do good to
Ok, we will discuss how the methods of the Prophet ﷺ in dealing with household problems
Brothers and Sisters blessed by Allah the Exalted,
I immediately discuss the Prophet's method, because if we want to discuss how good the Prophet is, that's too long discussion
but our main topic is how the Prophet's method in dealing with household conflicts
Among the methods of the Prophet ﷺ in dealing with household conflicts is the method of al-ibtisamah wa Ad-Du'abah
i.e. smiling and joking
We don't have to take all household problems seriously, sometimes we joke, sometimes we smile so that the problem is solved
Of course we see the level of the problem
There is a very low level problem, so we don't need to take it seriously
we just smile, even if our husband or wife grumbles, we just smile, the problem is solved
For example, in a hadith of Aisha may Allah be pleased with her ...
Before I convey these hadiths, I want to remind you
that most of the hadiths are about house conflicts, which is narrated by Aisha may Allah be pleased with her
It may seem like Aisha had a lot of problems, but let's not have prejudice her may Allah be pleased with her
because Aisha is the most loved wife of the Prophet ﷺ
Amr bin Al-'Ash once asked,
يا رسول الله من أحب الناس إليك؟
O Messenger of Allah, who is the person you love the most?
The Prophet said, "Aisha (is the one I love the most)"
Even the Prophet, when he was seriously ill and would die, wanted to be treated at Aisha's house
But the Prophet was so fair, even though he was sick, and it was so difficult for him to move from one house to another,
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ continued to spend his allotted stay from one house to another, even though it was difficult
until the Prophet asked permission from his wives to be treated at Aisha's house, and they all allowed
Prophet said,
أَيْنَ أَنَا غَدًا؟
where will I be at tomorrow?
يُرِيدُ يَومَ عَائِشَةَ
The Prophet wanted to be in Aisha's house
أَيْنَ أَنَا غَدًا؟
Where will I be treated tomorrow?
Finally his wives all understood that his husband to be at peace, so he must be treated at Aisha's house
Aisha is the most loved woman by the Prophet ﷺ
Even the Prophet's love for Aisha was known by all the companions
so if the companions want to give a gift to the Prophet, they waited for the Prophet ﷺ to be at Aisha's house
Why? Because when the Prophet was at Aisyah's house, the atmosphere was sparkling, so it's time to give gifts
If the Prophet was at other wives, he was not given gifts, until his wives protested
The other wives of the Prophet said,
"O Messenger of Allah, tell the companions, if you want to give a gift, do not wait for me to be at Aisha's house"
This means that the Prophet's love for 'A'isha is a well-known thing, which is known and the Prophet announced, and is known by the other companions.
And among Aisha's trustworthiness, the Mother of the Believers, she committed mistakes
but she did not cover up the mistakes, she even narrated them to us so that we would know she was once wrong
and so that we know how the Prophet dealt with these mistakes, because that is knowledge
Most people, if they have mistake, they cover it up, they hide it
but Aisha did not, she narrated
Why do I need to say this? Since some of the Shiites took this as an insult to Aisha, they said,
"Look at Aisha, making trouble in the household"
They said so, insulting, cursing the Mother of the Believers Aisha may Allah be pleased with her
We say, if Aisha wanted to, then surely she could hide all these stories,
but she told us to be a lesson for us
Our mother Aisha told us about the first problem, the second problem, the third problem
and Aisha was the wife of the Prophet who narrated the most hadiths, because she was young when the Prophet ﷺ died
Well, in a hadith, Aisha said,
قُلتُ: يا رَسولَ اللَّهِ، أرَأَيْتَ لو نَزَلْتَ وادِيًا وفيهِ شَجَرَةٌ قدْ أُكِلَ منها
ووَجَدْتَ شَجَرًا لَمْ يُؤْكَلْ منها، في أيِّهَا كُنْتَ تُرْتِعُ بَعِيرَكَ؟
She said, "O Messenger of Allah, what do you think if you stop somewhere, you find a tree to tie a camel,"
"You find that the tree has been eaten by another camel,"
"then you want to tether your camel, you see somewhere else there is a tree that has not been touched by another camel,"
"on which tree will you tether your camel?"
The Prophet said, "Certainly to a tree that has not been touched by other camels"
That is, Aisha is proud, that she is the only wife of the Prophet who is a girl, the others are widows
have been touched by another man, only she is a girl
The only girl the Prophet married was Aisha, the others were all widows
In some narrations, as narrated by Ibn Sa'ad in Tabaqatul Qubra
about why Aisha asked that question
So the story goes like this,
Aisha said,
دخل علي يوما رسول الله صل الله عليه وسلم
One day the Messenger of Allah ﷺ came to me
فقلت: أين كنت منذ اليوم؟
O Messenger of Allah, where have you been, why did you not go home earlier?
Apparently, the Prophet stopped by at Umm Salamah's house, and usually there would be jealousy
So in the law of polygamy,
If a person has more than one wife, then the standard for staying is at night
As for the day, her husband goes here and there, whatever
because at night it's time to talk, time to chat, time to rest
So sometimes during the day the Prophet maybe went to another place, to another wife because he had business for example
but he had to stay at the house of his wife, who was indeed having the right for that night
This, gentlemen must know, even though you won't practice it, but it's just knowledge
So one day maybe the Prophet stayed at Aisha's house, but he came home late
So she asked,
أين كنت منذ اليوم؟
Where heve you been, O Messenger of Allah?
Because the Prophet knew that Aisha was jealous, the Prophet said,
يا حُمَيراء كنت عند أمّ سلمة
O humairah ....
This is an intimate call to Aisha, Humairah means red
It means, "O Aisha whose skin is so white that it looks red on her cheeks"
So, the Prophet called Aisha with a call that showed his love for Aisha
He did not call "O Aisha", but he called "O Humairah", a title
So, this is also sunnah for us when we call our wives, we should call them with affection
Look at the Prophet saying, "O woman who is white, so white that you can see blushes on her cheeks"
Beautiful or not? Beautiful, so we should do the same
For example, we can call our wife "O my love, O my dear", or we say "O my wife with beautiful hair"
"O my wife who has a sharp nose"
Remember, it's the nose, not the forehead, don't say it wrong
we don't call her carelessly, there is no romance, Subhanallah
Sometimes we hear people call their husbands by name directly, husbands call his wife by name directly
It's okay, but if you can follow the sunnah of the Prophet, which is calling our wives with choosen (beautiful) words
on the cellphone, type "My love", understand?
"My number one love"
"My number two love"
type so, and the likes
So, we are used to calling our wives with words that show we love her, and that was practiced by the Prophet ﷺ
and women really like that
Well, so the Prophet ﷺ said,
يا حُمَيراء كنت عند أمّ سلمة
O Humairah, I was at Ummu Salamah's house
She was jealous, she said,
ما تشبع من أمّ سلمة؟
You haven't had enough of Ummu Salamah?
The Prophet did not answer, what Aisha said then?
فتبسم
Prophet just smiled
This means that Aisha's question does not need to be answered
different from us, we would surely ask back, "So why?"
It means that you don't have to answer that, just smile, the wife is jealous
How can we be angry with a woman who is angry with us because she loves us so much?
What made Aisha angry or said those words to the Prophet? Because of jealousy
means she loves the Prophet ﷺ
So these are words that we must think about, sometimes our wives do wrong to us because they love us,
so that as much as she loves us, she does wrong, none other than out of love for us
How are we going to punish her when she is wrong because of love for us?
Then we face it calmly
She's not cheating, not reckless, not 'mercenary', no!
She only makes mistakes because she loves us, so we must be wise in dealing with it
So when the Prophet was asked "You are not enough (with her), not bored in the house of Umm Salamah?"
Prophet just smiled
Then Aisha asked the question.
"O Messenger of Allah, how do you think if you stop somewhere, there is a tree that has been eaten and there is a tree that has not been eaten,"
"Where do you tie up your camel?"
The Prophet said, "Certainly to a tree that has not been touched by other camels"
So she said,
فأنا ليس كأحد من نسائك
Then I am not like your other wives, O Messenger of Allah
كلّ امرأة من نسائك قد كانت عند رجل غيري
Verily, all of your wives have previously been with other men before you, except me (I have never been with any men)
So Aisha argued, and what was the answer of the Prophet ﷺ?
فتبسم
The Prophet just smiled, finish
So, this is an example that not all problems are faced and dealt by words and comments,
sometimes it's enough to smile and the problem is solved
Well, this is one of the methods taught by the Prophet
The second method is
indifferent method, being indifferent
So, to determine which method we should use, then we have to look at the mistake level
this needs a man's intelligence
Men, don't be stupid at home
you must be smart, does this matter not need to be discussed? If yes, then don't take it personally
If women take things personally, it is the nature of women
As for us men, we don't have to carry feelings too personally, we see if this problem can be solved with a smile
need to be answered or not, need to be denied or not, ignored or not, do we need to be firm?
We as men, we have to be good at dealing with all this
One of the methods taught by the Prophet when there was a problem was to ignore it
Among the examples, from Anas bin Malik may Allah be pleased with him, he said,
كان للنبي صلى الله عليه وسلم تسع نسوة
The Prophet once had nine wives
فكان إذا قَسَمَ بينهن لا ينتهي إلى المرأة الأولى إلا في تسع، فكنَّ يجتمعْنَ كل ليلة في بيت التي يأتيها
The Prophet divided the allotment of his stay, not yet finished except until the ninth day,
because in one night for the first wife, the next day for the second wife, continue until the ninth wife
And so the Prophet ﷺ, he was always fair in dividing his stay
we need to remember this, the Prophet was polygamous, and I often say,
the potential for conflict, in a household where there is polygamy, is greater than the potential for conflict in our non-polygamous household life,
that's why I say to ladies, thank Allah because you don't know how difficult it is for a woman to be polygamous
I say that perhaps the most severe test for a woman in her life is when she is polygamous,
where her status is as the first wife
Maybe she can be patient when she lives hard with her husband,
maybe she can be patient if she has to wander far away from her parents to accompany her husband,
but when she is in polygamous household, how many women are impatient
So I say polygamous woman and she is patient, she is a great woman, but a woman like that is very rare
So ladies, whose husband does not polygamize you, should be very grateful to Allah the Exalted,
don't make trouble in the household, don't make your husband think of getting married again,
be truly grateful for what Allah has given to you ladies
Subhanallah, I have faced many cases of polygamy, most of them came crying,
wife crying, husband crying,
sometimes some of them end in divorce.
sometimes he divorced the second wife, sometimes he divorced the first,
hard, not easy!
I met a friend of mine who was polygamous, he said,
"Ustaz, if you are polygamy, you must have a lot of patience savings, ready to be shared"
"be patient when meeting the first wife, meeting the second, again with patience, so the third wife is to, a lot of patience alms"
"But if you don't have patience, you will end up dying in your way"
There are some - Masha Allah - people who are passionate about polygamy, after which their lives continue in depression
Therefore, the audience, who are successful (in polygamy), praise be to Allah, there are also many who are not successful
But I mean, we are already married. It happens that the ladies are not polygamous, some who are polygamous are happy
each one living their life
but I mean, those who are not polygamous should be grateful to Allah the Exalted, because the potential for home conflicts is smaller
it is different from people who are polygamous, the potential for conflict is large
Here Anas bin Malik said that the Messenger of Allah had nine wives, and he always divided his stay,
so if it's been nine days, then he repeated again to the first wife,
because one wife in every night
فكنَّ يجتمعْنَ كل ليلة في بيت التي يأتيها
And every night, they, the wives of the Prophet, gathered at the house of the woman who gets the allotment to stay
For example, tonight is for Aisha
the other eight wives all came, chatted, later after it was time for rest, they went home
The Prophet stayed there because that's where he stayed
So one night, it happened he was staying at Aisha's house.
فجاءت زينب، فمد يدَه إليها
They were gathering together, then came Zainab,
Zainab came to Aisha's house,
So the Prophet extended his hand towards Zainab
Maybe he wanted to invite Zainab, brought in Zainab,
and seen by Aisha
So Aisha said,
هذه زينب!
O Messenger of Allah, this is Zaenab, not (me) Aisha
فكفَّ النبيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم يده
the Prophet cancelled to hold Zainab hand
فتقاولتا حتى استخبتا
Then Zaenab and Aisha had an argument, until their voice raised
This means that Zaenab did not accept being intercepted by Aisha.
and Aisha felt this violated the code of ethics for polygamy
The point is there is a debate
وأقيمت الصلاة
the prayer will be established
They were in a commotion, and a commotion between wives is common
فمرَّ أبو بكر على ذلك فسمع أصواتهما
Abu Bakr was passing by, the Prophet still heard the voices of the two women who were making a fuss
then Abu Bakr said,
اخرج يا رسول الله إلى الصلاة، واحثُ في أفواههن التراب
O Messenger of Allah, let's go out to be Imam (of prayer), to the ladies, just throw sand into their mouths
فخرج النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم
The Prophet came out, the Prophet did not speak, was indifferent, did not care
This is the method! Done, it's done
it means whether that is a noise or not, it will also stop by itself
So, we have to understand the level of the problem
because there are problems that disappear by themselves
Then Aisha said,
الآن يقضي النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم صلاتَه فيجيء أبو بكر فيفعل بي ويفعل!
holy...! after the Prophet finished praying, surely Abu Bakr (my father) would come and scold me
When the Prophet ﷺ finished the prayer, Abu Bakr came to Aisha, then Abu Bakr said to Aisha with a firm word
أَتَصْنَعِينَ هَذَا
Do you dare to do this to the Prophet ﷺ?
But the Prophet was indifferent, the Prophet did not care, the Prophet left it alone, and the problem was solved
So we need to remember, brothers and sisters, sometimes there are problems that we don't have to take seriously, we don't have to respond to them.
we just smile, or we ignore, or sometimes we joke, and it's done
An example of a joke, one day the Messenger of Allah ﷺ was talking to Aisha, and Aisha was angry with the Prophet ﷺ
But, I need to remind, the Rasulullah ﷺ is a Prophet, a Messenger of Allah the Exalted
but if we look at the hadiths when he had interaction with his wives
he was not positioning himself as a prophet,
but he positions himself as the head of the household, as a husband who loves his wives, who gives in a lot,
that is the Prophet ﷺ
Not as a king, not as a dictator, no!
In fact he positioned himself as a husband who yielded a lot to his wife
so that sometimes his wives raised their voice, even though no companions dare to raise their voice,
because maybe their practices and deeds would be in vain and not accepted
But to his wives, the Prophet responded correctly, positioning himself as a husband
One day, Nu'man bin Basyir may Allah be pleased with him said,
استأذَن أبو بكرٍ على النَّبيَّ صلَّى اللهُ عليه وسلَّم
One day Abu Bakr asked permission to enter the house of the Prophet ﷺ
فسمع صوت عائشة عاليا
Suddenly Abu Bakr (Aisha's father) heard - from outside - Aisha's voice is rising,
وهي تقول
Aisha said,
وَاللهِ لَقَدْ عَرَفْتُ أَنَّ عَلِيًّا أَحَبُّ إِلَيْكَ مِنْ أَبِي
maybe she was so jealous that when she saw her father she said,
"O Messenger of Allah, by Allah I know you love Ali bin Abi Talib more than my father"
Abu Bakr went straight into the house, went to Aisyah and wanted to slap her daughter.
but the Prophet prevented, Abu Bakr did not like his daughter to raise her voice in front of the Prophet ﷺ,
So Abu Bakr said,
يَا ابْنَةَ أُمِّ رُومَانَ
O daughter of my wife
Abu Bakr did not say "O my daughter"
and Umm Ruman was the wife of Abu Bakr
Abu Bakr was married before, had no children before marrying Umm Ruman
When Abu Bakr married Umm Ruman, Abu Bakr had a daughter, Aisha
When he was angry, he did not say "O my daughter", he did not say "O daughter of Abu Bakr",
but he said "O daughter of Umm Ruman (O daughter of my wife)"
We sometimes when angry with children, we say to our wife "Honey, take or take care of your child"
in fact, they are our children
But sometimes when we are angry like that, and the wife is too
Abu Bakr who was angry also said, "O daughter of my wife"
Abu Bakr wanted to slap but was prevented
أراك ترفعين صوتك على رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم
I saw you raised your voice in front of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ,
فأمسكه رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم
Rasulullah ﷺ immediately prevented Abu Bakr who wanted to slap his daughter, Aisha
وخرج أبو بكر مغضبا
when being prevented,Abu Bakr came out angry
Previously Aisha was angry with the Prophet, but the Prophet immediately made a joke to get rid of it all
What did the Prophet say?
يا عائشة كيف رأيتني أنقذتك من الرجل
O Aisha, look at my role, I have saved you from that man
That is she was to be slapped but saved
The Prophet was joking, the business is finished
Sometimes joking can make it finished, without having to take it too personally
Remember, men don't take everything personally, if you do that, it means you are a woman
because ladies takes things emotionally (with feelings), ladies are created in a condition that they are easy to brittle
easy to take things personally is their nature, it is impossible for ladies to lose that trait
Gentlemen are not easy to brittle, don't get emotional easily, if you bring everything emotionally, it will be troublesome
See, the Prophet immediately took a stand, immediately joked, and the problem was solved
I know someone, his wife is angry with him, immediately he jokes as if his heart disease is relapsed
His wife was immediately shocked, suddenly panicked, and who was nagging, immediately stopped
she immediately stop nagging, immediately asked her husband, "Why?"
her husband replied "My heart thinks about you"
For example
It means he's kidding his wife
I mean, not all problems then we face them seriously, sometimes with a joke they can be solved
After that, Abu Bakr came again,
The Prophet and Aisha were at peace,
then Abu Bakr found the Prophet joking with Aisha,
so what did Abu Bakr say to them?
Abu Bakr said,
أدخلاني في السلم كما أدخلتماني في الحرب
O Prophet and Aisha, put me in your peace, as I have been in the battle between you two before
This is a joke too, so sometimes we face problems with a smile, sometimes we ignore it, sometimes we laugh
Alright, next method
Which method?
The first is smiling, the second is being indifferent, the third is joking
Fine, the fourth is by hiwar or discussion method, and this is important
There are problems that we cannot ignore, we cannot take lightly,
we have to finish with a discussion, so that the wife understands and we also understand, and this is what the Messenger of Allah ﷺ did too
Rasulullah had a discussion with Shafiyyah bint Huyay bin Akhtab
We know Shafiyyah, a Jewish woman an-Nadhiriyyah, from the tribe of Bani Nadhir
Her father, Huyay bin Akhtab was a Jewish figure
Her father was causing a lot of trouble.
He once wanted to kill the Prophet, ordered some people to throw stones at the Prophet ﷺ,
It finally came the revelation from heaven, then the Bani Nadir were expelled
During they were driven out, he did not despair,
He then provoked the Quraysh along with the Bedouins, along with other Jews to attack Medina
so there was a war called the Khandaq War, so her father always made trouble
Finally the Prophet killed them, Jews Bani Quraidhoh and also from Bani Nadhir, among them is Shafiyyah's father
The Prophet killed her father, Shafiyyah's husband, Shafiyyah's family, they were killed on the orders of the Prophet ﷺ, then the Prophet married Shafiyyah
so it is natural if Shafiyyah had a grudge against the Prophet ﷺ, it is normal
How come? who killed her father? It was the Prophet ﷺ
The one who ordered the killing of her husband was also the Prophet ﷺ
Who ordered the killing of her brother, sister, uncle? the Prophet ﷺ
Until when the Prophet married Shafiyyah, mentioned in the Prophet's history,
The Prophet entered a kind of tent with Shafiyyah,
there was a companion coming, I forgot his name, he came carrying a sword, then wandered around the tent of the Prophet
The Prophet said, "What are you doing?"
The companion said, "I'm afraid this woman will cause a problem"
That is, Shafiyyah may still have grudge, she may do something to the Prophet ﷺ
So, the point is that the Prophet ﷺ was marrying a woman who was still revengeful on the Prophet ﷺ
How did the Prophet deal with it? Pay attention here!
On the authority of Ibn Umar may Allah be pleased with them, Shafiyyah said,
وكان رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم من أبغض الناس إليَّ
The Messenger of Allah is the person I hate the most,
قَتل زوجي وأبي وقومي
He has killed my husband, has killed my father, has killed my people
فما زال يعتذر إليَّ
What did the Prophet do? The Prophet had a discussion with Shafiyyah
And he always apologizes to me
The Prophet gave an explanation, he was not indifferent, because this is a household matter
when the wife doesn't like it, is annoyed, angry, then it is faced with a discussion
The Prophet said,
إن أباك ألَّب علي العرب وفعل وفعل
O Shafiyyah, verily your father had gathered all the Arabs to kill me in the battle of Khandak,
and before that, he had done such and such, throwing the stone to kill me
حتَى ذَهَبَ ذَلِكَ مِنْ نَفْسِي
Shafiyyah said, 'The Prophet explained and apologized continuously until the hatred disappeared from me'
So, when the Prophet faced his wife, Shafiyyah ....
The story is, at that time the Prophet was at war and the companions won, finally a companion took Shafiyyah
the other companions protested "O Messenger of Allah, that Shafiyyah is not appropriate for that companion, only for you O Messenger of Allah, Shafiyyah is beautiful"
Finally, the Prophet took Shafiyyah, then the Prophet replaced with other slaves for the companion
so that other companions were not jealous
Shortly speaking, the Prophet ﷺ finally took Shafiyyah, the Prophet replaced with some female slaves to that companion
Then the Prophet married Shafiyyah and her dowry was she was freed, from a slave to a wife, Ummul Mu'minin
The Prophet, when facing Shafiyyah, took two attitudes, first the hiwar method,
that is the Prophet did a discussion to solve problems,
the second, Prophet treated Shafiyyah with very extraordinary morals and attitudes
For example, Shafiyyah was not a tall woman, when she rode on a camel then she couldnt do it
So what did the Prophet ﷺ do?
The Prophet ﷺ raised his knees and his thighs to be stepped on by Shafiyyah so that she could ride on the camel
and it was seen by the other companions, Masha Allah, in public, the Prophet raised his knees for Shofiyya
How can a woman feel disrespected when her husband is like that?
Do you have anything like that?
He said to his wife, "Honey, do you want to take the pot on the cupboard? Bismillah, dear, just a moment, let me take the stance"
"but not for long, heavy"
The Prophet did it in front of the Companions
Companions saw how the Prophet's humbleness in front of his wife
We should do too, if our wife wants to get in the car, we open the door, we say, "Please get in My Queen"
"Honey, the skirt is lifted a little" and then we close it
our wife must feel respected
We held her hand in front of many people while walking with her,
We buy something, we serve her after a lot of her serving us at home
Show how we love our wives
This is what attracted the heart of Shafiyyah may Allah be pleased with her, so that she forgot all the revenges in her heart
Another example, when the Prophet ﷺ was doing i'tikaf, suddenly Shafiyyah came
We know, when someone is in i'tikaf, it means he is busy worshiping and praying
busy reciting Al Qur'an, doing night prayer, remembering Allah, and others
Suddenly Shafiyyah came, then the Prophet ﷺ stopped his worship, then talked to Shafiyyah
Imagine, the Prophet ﷺ was talking to Shafiyyah while doing i'tikaf
After chatting with Shafiyyah, the Prophet didn't say "please go home", the Prophet came out of the mosque to escort Shafiyyah
How could Shafiyyah's heart not be captivated by the Prophet ﷺ with his extraordinary morals towards his wife?
Okay, how is this? Adhan first? Pray first? That means we stop for a while
Okay, Allah willing, after praying we will continue again, it is still the fourth method
There are eleven methods, I think it's still long
until nine o'clock? are you strong enough?
I'm not
-the crowd laughed-
Ok, we will continue insha Allah after prayer
OK, let's continue.
Anas bin Malik may Allah be pleased with him said
بلغ صفيةَ أن حفصةَ قالت بنتُ يهوديٍّ
It was said to Shafiyyah that Hafshah mocked her
Hafshah is the wife of the Prophet ﷺ, Hafshah bintu Umar is a pious woman,
however, household life, there is jealousy between wives
Hafshah said,
Shafiyyah is the daughter of a Jew
So Shafiyyah cried, sarcastically insinuated with a daughter of Jewish
The Prophet tried to overcome this, this is a problem between wives
The Prophet met Shafiyyah who was in tears and said,
ما يُبكيكِ؟
What makes you cry O Shafiyyah?
قالت لي حفصةُ إني ابنةُ يهوديٍّ
Shafiyyah reported and said,
O Messenger of Allah, Hafshah said that I am the daughter of a Jew
So the Prophet defended Shafiyyah with the words,
إنك لابنةُ نبِيٍّ
O Shafiyyah, indeed you are a daughter of a Prophet
Shafiyyah may Allah be pleased with her, her lineage goes back to the Prophet Moses peace be upon him
so her ancestor was Moses
and we know, Moses' brother was Aaron,
then the Prophet said,
وإن عمَك لنبيٌّ
Indeed your uncle is also a Prophet
وإنك لتحت نبِيِّ
And you are now the wife of a Prophet
Your father is Prophet Moses peace be upon him, your uncle is Prophet Aaron peace be upon him, your husband is a Prophet,
بِمَ تفخرُ عليك؟
Then what does Hafshah want to be proud of in front of you?
Then the Prophet came to Hafshah, and the Prophet said,
اتقي اللهَ يا حفصةُ
O Hafshah, fear Allah the Exalted
So, the Prophet dealt with problems with discussion, giving explanations, and this method is very important
Many of us find problems and we should face them with discussion, don’t ignore them
if the level is already a bit high, it is impossible for us to ignore it, it is impossible with just a smile,
then sometimes we need to discuss with our wife
Whatever the problem, when the mind is calm, we convey it well, so that the problem can be solved
Ok, these methods are still very many, but I'll just summarize it because the time is about to run out
OK, in general...
Brothers and Sisters may Allah the Exalted bless you
If our wife makes a mistake, then we go with three methods,
first by giving advice,
the second by boycotting,
and the third by hitting with a blow that made no mark
Allah the Exalted says,
فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتٌ لِلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللَّهُ
وَاللَّاتِي تَخَافُونَ نُشُوزَهُنَّ فَعِظُوهُنَّ وَاهْجُرُوهُنَّ فِي الْمَضَاجِعِ وَاضْرِبُوهُنَّ
فَإِنْ أَطَعْنَكُمْ فَلَا تَبْغُوا عَلَيْهِنَّ سَبِيلًا إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيًّا كَبِيرًا
And the women whose disobedience you fear of, coming out of the straight path,
then advise them
If having advised and ineffective,
So boycott them in their bed
If they are ineffective,
then hit them with a blow that does not leave a trace
If they obey, then don't look for anything else.
It means it's over, it's back to the way it was
Be careful because Allah says,
Lo! Allah is High, Great
Don't let the wife who's finally becoming good, you wronged her
In conclusion, these are the three methods that the Prophet taught us
the first, if there is a problem in our wife
then advice, as the Prophet said earlier,
اتقي اللهَ يا حفصةُ
O Hafsah, fear Allah
The Prophet came to Hafshah advising her
When Aisha may Allah be pleased with her was jealous of Shafiyyah, the Prophet mentioned about Shafiyyah, then Aisha said,
حسبك من صفية إنها قصيرة
Enough O Messenger of Allah (from Shafiyyah), Shafiyyah is short
her mistakes,
She narrated to us that she once said so.
So the Prophet was angry, the Prophet ﷺ advised by saying,
لقد قلت كلمة لو مزجت بماء البحر لمزجته
O Aisha, indeed you have uttered a very dirty sentence, if mixed with the ocean, it will change the ocean
When there was jealousy, Aisha had slipped away so that she was backbiting Shafiyyah, then the Prophet had to reprimand,
therefore advice is important
Well, if our wife is wrong, as well as if the husband is wrong, then the wife advises the husband, the husband advises the wife,
but there are manners that we must pay attention to when we advise
First remember that we advise her to be good,
not in order to offend her,
not in order to avenge our anger,
but since we want her to be good, so we advise her well,
because we advise her for the sake of carrying out Allah's commands
فَعِظُوهُنَّ
Advise them
Remember, all the actions we do for Allah will be blessed, Allah willing
So, when you advise your wife, intend it for the sake of Allah, that is, we advise her for the sake of Allah, because of Allah's command,
it's not that we intend to finish her off by saying, "You're the one who's wrong, you're like this", all are mentioned
that's not our goal
Our goal is for her to change for the better
Therefore, if we want her to be good, we should not advise her in public,
do not advise her in front of her friends,
because if we get angry in front of her friends, her heart will be very broken
she will think, the husband she has been proud of all this time turns out to be scolding her in front of her friends
Imagine if a husband and wife made a fuss in front of many people?
I've seen it myself, husband and wife are debating, then he throws his wife using bottled water
What if his wife catches it and then she throws back, isn't it dangerous?
-the crowd laughs-
Of course that's an embarrassing thing, where everyone sees, so don't do that
we want our wives to be good, we don't want to make a fuss, we don't want war, no! We want our wife to be good
So we advise in a gentle way
then, trying not to advise when angry,
because when we are angry we find it difficult to put good words, so that our goals can change,
and finally we are controlled by the devil and want to immediately release our anger
So wait for ourselves to calm down first, when the mind is cold then we chat with her,
give her good advice
Then let's not fight with our wives in front of the children,
poor children, they have the right not to see their parents fighting,
children are proud of their father and mother,
but apparently they see his father is angry at their mother,
then how can their heart not be broken? we ruin their psychological
Likewise, they are proud of their father, but they see their mother holding their father's collar, Masha Allah, their heart is broken
and it happened
Until there was a case that I faced, a woman was rude to her husband
After investigation, her mother also used to be like that to her father,
she used to see her mother rude to her father, so she is also rude to her husband, and that is a normal thing
Why? Because she learned morals from her mother
So when we are angry, not in front of the children
Try to keep the children proud of us, with their father, with their mother, let's not make a fuss in front of our children
So, advise in a good way, our goal is for her to be good
choose good words, do it when you are calm, if necessary we give gifts,
we buy gold while saying, "Mommy, yesterday you were wrong, give me your finger", then give a ring, Masha Allah
Allah willing, she will listen to our advice
If she doesn't hear it yet, put a necklace
Let's keep trying to win her heart
Sacrifice, if our wife is good, we are happy too
I found out there were some grumbling people, coming back and forth,
I said, "Hey, do you two intend to live in peace or do you want to live grumbling?"
"Life is still long, you suffer every day, you should think about how to be good"
How long are you going to blame each other?
The wife must admit that she was wrong, the husband must also admit that he was wrong. The wife said that her husband was wrong, the husband said that his wife was wrong
each one is grumbling, this is not a solution
If it's the wife who is wrong, so why?
What if it is the husband?
Is the problem solved with this? No, all there is the revenge,
start looking for past problems, etc
We want our wives to be better, we want our husbands to be better, so discuss in a good way, advise in a good way.
Allah said,
وَاهْجُرُوهُنَّ
Boycott them
فِي الْمَضَاجِعِ
boycott in bed
How to do it?
The scholars say, if his wife is sleeping with him, his wife faces east, her husband faces west, don't look each other
If his wife's head is in the north, then her husband's feet are in the north, like that
So boycott, his wife is already neat, making up, come to serve her husband, her husband is indifferent
it will make the wife hurt,
we hope she will realize
But frankly, this method in this day is useless,
especially if a husband only has one wife
He boycotts his wife, his wife is indifferent, "do I care huh?"
Finally it's him who is uneasy, restless, finally he is boycotted by his wife
But, that method is useful if a person is polygamous, his wife must change
In short, there are various methods of boycotting, including such methods,
Among them is to not speaking to her, ignoring her, her greeting is not answered, the husband may boycott his wife
but remember once again, if you want a blessing then intend it for Allah,
not because of revenge, but because we want our wives to be better
As for the intention to hurt her, or as a wife wants her husband to be hurt, don't!
I was asked yesterday,
"Ustaz, my wife, when she's angry she comes in the house, plays loud music, irritates me, she knows that I don't like music"
Subhanallah, she irritates her husband
she wants her husband to suffer, she does something her husband hates
Is it a good household?
We boycott not to hurt
Then if the husband is annoyed too, he finally phones other girls in front of his wife so that his wife is angry
O Brothers, we want to live in a household, don't we?
Do you want your wife to die or do you want your wife to be good?
So don't be like that, some people, when they are emotional, they want their wife to be hurt, don't!
Our wife is the mother of our children, if we are sick she will take care of us, Subhanallah
when we are in trouble, she accompanies us,
remember her virtues,
because we're emotional, then we seem to forget all the good of her
Men, don't be like that
Remember, if you are emotional, remember her good things,
when I have a fever, it's my wife who takes care of me
when I am sick, it's her who massages me
and others
Our wives are mothers of our children, they are in trouble, while we only put our seeds, they are pregnant, are difficult, and so on
This is the second method, boycotting
The third, hitting, but the Prophet said,
ضربا غير مبرح
A hit that does not cause marks
Not a slap so that there is a stamp on the right, there is a stamp on the left, sometimes a stamp on the forehead, no!
Let's not hit like we want to fight,
do not!
This wife is a woman, easy to fragile, very emotional, don't hit improperly
If you hit, hit properly, hit the part of the body that doesn't cause pain, don't hit the ribs
buttocks for example, thighs, it's ok
if it could be enough just by pressing, that would be enough
I would like to mention this as our last discussion,
The Prophet ﷺ once rebuked Aisha by pressing which made her somewhat hurt,
and this is the harshest rebuke that the Messenger of Allah ever did, the Messenger of Allah never hit
the Messenger of Allah never hit a woman, but the Messenger of Allah only pressed Aisha because of her mistake
and according to the Prophet it was a bit heavy, Aisha told this, I'll read her story
Aisha -may Allah be pleased with her- said
أَلَا أُحَدِّثُكُمْ عَنِ النبيِّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عليه وَسَلَّمَ وَعَنِّي
Shall I tell you about my and the Messenger of Allah ﷺ story?
The companions, or the tabi'in said,
"Sure, tell us the story of you two"
Aisha said,
This hadith is narrated by Bukhari and Muslim
لَمَّا كَانَتْ لَيْلَتي الَّتي كانَ النبيُّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عليه وَسَلَّمَ فِيهَا عِندِي
انْقَلَبَ فَوَضَعَ رِدَاءَهُ، وَخَلَعَ نَعْلَيْهِ، فَوَضَعَهُما عِنْدَ رِجْلَيْهِ، وَبَسَطَ طَرَفَ إزَارِهِ علَى فِرَاشِهِ
When one day the Prophet was staying at my hou