Kind: captions
Language: en
I've heard a really interesting take on
what hell is and hell as The Story Goes
is when you die you meet the version of
yourself that you could be what is your
biggest fear in terms of the gap between
who you are and who you hope you become
before you die I think it's uh
lacking the courage to be my authentic
self 100 of the time really I think
that's what it is because for so long I
lived not all the times but in certain
times when I felt triggered
attacked abused or misunderstood I would
sometimes respond
from a lack of courage in order to
please make people like me or not be
upset with me specifically in Intimate
Relationships
and I would abandon myself I lack the
courage to stand up for what I truly
wanted to say how I wanted to live
the action the actions I wanted to take
out of fear and I think if I lived until
I died for the rest of my life and I
continued to live that way I that would
be hell because it was hell I
experienced it it was like suffering
inside it was painful physically I would
have a ball of pain in my chest
continually off and on throughout my
life plus I would feel anxious it's
because I wasn't living in a full 100
courageous mode all the time how do you
think that's going to play out in your
life do you think that leads to more
success and obviously I'm asking these
questions in the context of the book and
understanding you've got this formula
that people can follow to really achieve
something so in reading the book and
certainly in the way that I live my own
life it's like I'm doing a lot of
internal work but I do want it to
manifest in the real world and that's
yeah it's a big driver for me that
doesn't necessarily mean wealth but it
does mean there are things that I want
to do that I want to accomplish and
there's a phrase in sailing called
velocity made good and so there's one
one thing to like make all the changes
so call that moving the sale it's
another to move the sale well so that it
catches the wind and takes you where you
want to go yes and so I'll be proud of
myself if I stay focused you got to move
the sale like don't get stuck in my ways
but I will be disappointed if I don't
catch the wind if you don't get the
results yeah externally
this is interesting you're talking about
this because so in the two years ago a
little over two years ago I started
healing different parts of my thinking
because I think healing starts with
thinking and the emotions tied to the
thoughts so I started creating new
meaning around thinking and thoughts
that were causing me pain and suffering
the hell today as opposed to Hell later
and
as I started to actually step into the
courageous thinking and acting in
alignment in my actions
in the last two years I've doubled my
business I have more peace and
Connection in my intimate relationship
that I've ever had in my entire life
I'm healthier I'm happier
and I feel more expansive even though
I'm doing less
so it was when I started to do the
deeper inner work and heal the thinking
tied to the emotions so that my body
could be more at peace
that's when the external results
expanded now here's another thing
you and I have a mutual friend who you
know is a massive success who
didn't get number one on the New York
Times bestseller list yeah right and
there's an expectation around that now
we kind of all like had a little chuckle
about it because he he still crushed it
um ridiculous sales piece yeah of course
I was talking to him afterwards and I go
you know
how do I of course it's going to be
disappointment when we have an
expectation there's going to be a
letdown there's going to be a sense a
moment or moments or days of frustration
and whatever it might be
but this is literally the first time
I've been practicing this and I'm not I
don't want to set this up that it
actually happens this way but this is
the first time where when I wrote this
book
I finished it and I said this is the
best I could do right now I'm really
proud of the effort the results that
I've created for this piece of art this
work this is exactly what I wish I could
have read 10 years ago when I was
stressed five years ago when I was 16
when I was 21 through breakups this is
the book that wish I had that would make
it clear for me on what steps to take
so I'm proud of what I created there I
have specific goals of the sales I want
to get numbers I'm going to hit press
all these different things
and
I am I'm releasing into the world
whatever happens like all I know is I
can show up and do my best every day
from the moment I finish this with my
promotional efforts with my energy with
my communities to get the message out
there and if it doesn't hit number one
I'm okay I wouldn't have been able to
say this before
I would I would not have been able to
say this and it doesn't mean I don't
want that again I hope that the universe
doesn't teach me another lesson like
okay you're not going to get a new list
um but I feel like I would be a I'm a so
much better piece with who I am knowing
that I gave my best effort and I'm
showing up working my butt off that I'm
releasing the results in the universe
and I kind of did that in the last
couple years in my business and my
business has doubled why do you think
that is
because I created more peace within me I
created peace within me and I stopped
wasting my energy on things that I can't
control and I stopped wasting energy on
trying to people please everyone I was I
think I got really I channeled my inner
Tom and I just said no to everything
that did not support me or serve me I
said no to meetings I said no to people
that just didn't make sense right now
not because I didn't like them or
something but it just wasn't in
alignment with my mission at the time
and I said yes to me and I said yes to
spending more time with me and less
people as opposed to saying yes to
everything and being as distracted
and by doing that the energy really
built with the business that I have with
the media that I have with all the all
the things we're creating and the
revenue doubled
and I feel like oh I'm more in my flow
I'm more in my sweet spot I'm more in
alignment with who I am and who I want
to become
and I feel like that's been a big thing
but I don't believe I would have been
able to get there if I didn't heal the
way of thinking
and and really heal the stress inside of
me that was causing me to have less
energy so once I started to do that I
felt like I had this expansive energy
abundance Clarity peace freedom
internally which allowed me to create
externally in a different way and again
I'm not at the level of you know so many
people like yourself in terms of
business results and success but for me
to see it double which I've never
doubled before except for maybe the
first two years like 10 years ago
to see it double because I want inward
because I focused on being a hundred
percent courageous in using my voice
when in the past I might have shied back
when someone asked me specifically on
intimacy I might have been like I don't
know if I'm going to tell the whole
truth because I don't even get set at me
I want to be mad at me is this fear of
Judgment of like someone not liking me
or loving me caused me to hold back
and when I went all in
on myself and not abandoning myself
that's when everything expanded there's
a couple of really interesting Concepts
in there one the idea of abandoning
oneself which will come back to you but
I really want people to understand that
that there's a reason that this ends up
becoming a result that you can achieve
and if I could get people to understand
that as you change your mindset it isn't
a woo-woo thing right it's like this is
really gonna
um
you will to use your example you will
end up spending your time on things that
are actually going to yield the results
you want and so you talk about this in
the book it's like you need to have
Clarity you need to know what you're
going for now if you know what you're
going for and you're making decisions
that don't move you towards that then
the question becomes why and so if
you're trying to people please now you
have a bifurcated path of goals this was
the biggest breakthrough in my life
there are a few things in my life where
it's like this is a demarcation point
and my life looks fundamentally
different after this moment than before
and it was when I realized I was
worshiping two different Masters what
were those Masters so one was what I
really believed was my driving goal
which is to be successful and then the
unknown goal that I had but was actually
driving a significant amount of my
behavior was I wanted other people to
think I was smart and so I'm I'm arguing
with the guys that end up becoming my
partners but at the time they're just my
employers and I am like I need to to
have them agree that my idea is the
right idea so that they'll realize that
I'm smart and so why did you need that
though
why why did I need them to think I'm
smart yeah oh insecurity so I was
unfortunately doing what so many of us
do and I was Outsourcing my
um my esteem to other people now this
gets it's very nested and I'll try to
make sure that we come back up to to the
core idea but we are both the shout and
the Echo and one of the reasons that I
have a hard time speaking in bumper
stickers is that there really is Nuance
so you can tell people don't worry about
what other people think but it won't
work right because we're a social
creature and you are both the things you
do and how you feel about yourself but
what you do and how it echoes in the
world will influence you just it is the
way the human mind is wired so there are
all these real consequences to the
things you do so going back to I'm I'm
fighting myself yes not even realizing
I'm fighting myself I have a known goal
be successful an unknown goal make sure
other people think you're smart and so
I'm in this moment where I'm arguing for
this idea uh subconsciously because it's
going to make me feel good if I can win
because I'll think well if I convince
them then they'll realize that I'm
really smart so anyway but inside my
mind I've got this voice screaming this
is the wrong idea and this will move you
backwards your idea yeah oh 100 so in
what you're fighting yes and so when
they finally acquiesce and are like okay
we'll do it that way and and see what
happens they leave the room and I'm like
what have I done like do I want to be
successful or not and so then I finally
okay pull these both into my conscious
mind figure out what I was really doing
realize that I had these two competing
goals and so to your point heal the
thinking first because if you have a
wound or whatever that's making you
think less of yourself or think you need
other people to think that you're smart
that's it it has an impact in your
ability to achieve your goals and so it
drives you it also can drive you that
wound can drive you
because I think it's really important
it can get you to take out Extreme
Action to accomplish external results so
it can be the drive to look good to win
and to be right and to be needed or to
be smart
but at what cost is that drive serving
you and what price are you paying so
maybe okay we're successful but my idea
was actually the wrong idea which hurt
me which made me you know which hurt my
relationship to my partners because I
was fighting them so much against this
as opposed to seeing the best idea and
saying the best idea wins and that helps
me being successful and shifting that
mentality so for me I was driven to
succeed because I wanted people to like
me I wanted people to accept me and to
fit in and belong because I felt like I
had no friends
and so that that wound drove me to take
Extreme Action in sports and then in
business to belong to project an image
so that people would like me or want me
on their team or be accepted
and it worked it drove me to get those
results
but it came from a wound so it never
felt like it was fulfilling it didn't
feel like it was enough and I still
never felt good enough smart enough
talented enough all these different
things to belong because I didn't belong
to myself so how can I belong somewhere
else
so I was always just kind of like on
edge because I still didn't fully accept
acknowledge and love who I was
and so if there's a wound
that I don't accept whoever doesn't mean
I accept and love myself and I'm
complacent no I'm always going to be
growing towards something a mission
but if I'm doing it from a wound or a
lack of
self-love then the results are not going
to give me more love
it might give me more results but I did
that in sports and then in business I
thought at one point one of these goals
I accomplished is going to make me feel
like I love myself it didn't
didn't it it wasn't until I went back to
Healing the memories that caused me to
feel less than
creating new meaning and mending those
memories and telling you stories about
why that actually needed to happen and
the benefits they gave me and how they
support me now in my future and how I
didn't like them and it was painful and
it was challenging and I don't wish them
on anyone but I can live with a wound
where everything triggers me and I feel
like everyone's against me or I can mend
those memories create new meaning like
Victor Frankel says and actually come
from a place of love peace and Clarity
of my vision having a meaningful mission
that inspires me not based on a wound
but because I want to make an impact
and I think that's when everything
starts to shift at least it did for me
when I was able to do that and it's been
a 10-year Journey it's not like it
happened overnight I mended some things
and then it fell back in other ways I I
took two steps forward and took steps
back
but I feel like the last couple years
the pain in my chest and the Strangling
in my throat that I used to feel because
I would abandon myself I wouldn't act
courageously with my thinking and belief
I would act to please there was still a
wound in relationships you know when
people would ask me for stuff I would
just say yes as opposed to being like I
authentically don't want to say yes but
I'm doing it
out of a wound to be liked to not deal
with stress
as opposed to saying okay thanks for
thinking about me but it doesn't make
sense right now
I hope you're doing well
and since I've been doing that the last
couple years it's given me a lot more
freedom
again you've got to deal with other
challenges but at least I now belong to
me as opposed to others I want to give
people
um
container to put all this in and I get
asked a lot about how do I get unstuck
I'm stuck I'm not making the momentum in
my life that I thought I would
your book The greatness mindset feels
like a manual for getting unstuck yes
and the things you're saying now to me
are the keys to getting unstuck so
figuring out what are the silent unsort
of known things that are pulling you
that are driving you in the wrong
direction talk to me about this idea of
not betraying yourself because I think
this is really important going back to
you if you want to accomplish what
you're going to accomplish you're going
to need efficiency of action if nothing
else and so saying no to the things yes
don't move you towards what you want
become problematic so
what does it mean to betray yourself
you betray yourself when you're living
in a powerless mindset
versus the greatest mindset so first is
to identify which mindset am I living in
and it can be a moment-to-moment thing
and it can be that I live more in the
greatest mindset today or this week or
this year or was I allowing anything
from the power of this mindset to hold
me back now as powerless mindset just a
belief that you can't do it you're not
capable people won't like me yeah here's
what it what it means to be in the
powers mindset and one of the things
that I love about you Tom is is you're
very like clear on
not something being right or wrong good
or bad but is it useful I usually I
heard you talk about that one time is
this useful for me towards my mission
right is this useful for me to feel the
way I want to feel so again this is not
making these people wrong or judgment or
blame or good and bad
is it useful in your life and the
something I took away from you is using
that word useful but if you are
in the power of this mindset state of
being and again it could be a moment
that you could get out of
one you lack a meaningful Mission you're
not clear on the direction you're
heading and it doesn't mean you need to
know how to either Gonna Change the
World or cure cancer and you need to
know what you're doing for the rest of
your life but you need to know what
you're doing right now for this season
if you have no clue what you want to do
at least being clear I'm in a season of
Discovery okay cool then that's your
mission so just being clear of where
you're headed I'm going to season up
trying a bunch of stuff I'm going to
seize them not trying anything at least
you know what you're doing and you can
get there so if you lack a meaningful
mission for me I just think the more
clear you can get the easier it is to
get there so in one sentence what is
that mission for you of this season of
life we all have seasons and it can
change over time but lacking a
meaningful Mission you're going to feel
more powerless you're going to feel
stuck
if you're controlled by fear and if
you're crippled by self-doubt you have
those things have power over you so
you're more powerless
if you conceal past pains this is the
thing I think there's twenty thousand
books on success and mindset
I don't see a lot of people talking
about concealing past pains and I'm not
saying you need to be someone who opens
up to the world about the things you've
been through I've done that as an
example to try to inspire the men just
to do that in their lives I don't think
you need to do that
but if you're with your why do you think
it works
why do you think it works what yeah can
to stop concealing your past pain well
when we conceal our pain that means
we're ashamed of something we're hiding
something we're afraid that if someone
knew this about me they wouldn't like me
accept me or love me and that's one of
our biggest fears it's just a weak
Foundation to build on
yeah
um like if someone knew of the shame or
pain about me I'm just curious why so
somebody's trying to hide that
I'm not saying you need to do this but
you don't have to open up to everyone
but is there shame or pain inside of you
why to protect ourselves you know for me
I didn't talk about being sexual abuse
for 25 years because I thought no guy
would ever hang out with me I wouldn't
have friends I want to be on a sports
team no one would buy a product from me
I thought my life would be over no girl
would be with me if they knew this about
me it was so much shame and insecurity
tied to it
and that caused me to be triggered
defensive projecting and and
working from a wound
as opposed to Freedom
and so when I got to the space of being
able to talk about
a lot of my shames a lot of my pains and
it was a process it wasn't like all
overnight
to my closest friends and family
I felt wow they actually sent me even
knowing the darkest parts of me okay now
I can really be myself I can really be
authentic in the world
but if I can't share something I'm
afraid of
then that thing has some type of power
over me that thing is holding me back
it's shrinking me because I'm afraid to
speak it into existence of what happened
this to me feels it goes back to this
idea is it useful or not so I think
people and look I do battle with my own
mind as much as anybody else but
it really is inefficient and I came up
with a rule in my life a long time ago
where I would do something wrong and I
would feel like I needed to punish
myself for it and was that useful no and
that was the thing and so I made the
rule that I will no longer do or believe
anything that doesn't move me towards my
goal right and the reason that I said
that and it's not me trying to abandon
truth or anything and I can actually
Define truth in a way that I think
people would find useful I was doing it
because as I I didn't
think that I could trust myself to come
up with something
um that made sense even though I was
pursuing truth so for instance I would
feel like you deserve to be punished for
this and so you ought to punish yourself
and so I would and it would take all
this time and I would feel bad for days
and then I was just like why
ought I do this like I don't quite
understand this is a me versus me thing
yeah and I get like saying hey I
shouldn't do that anymore because it's
not I don't like the way it makes me
feel it's hurting somebody else cool
then stop doing it but this like days or
weeks or endless punishment isn't taking
anywhere so why am I doing this exactly
and so okay cool kick yourself in the
ass as much as you need you to make sure
you don't do it again but no more yeah
and I think there's there's a
distinction here it's like okay if I can
commit to doing something seven days a
week and I I don't do it for three days
in a row being I'm not hurting someone
else necessarily if I say I'm going to
work out every morning and I miss my
workouts but beating myself up for not
doing it is not going to help me either
especially if it makes me miss my next
workout exactly and it makes you eat
more cookies and candy and be like I'm a
horrible human or whatever it is that
doesn't serve you but when I'm talking
about the the past pain stuff is like
the stuff that happened in your past you
don't want people to know about you if
you conceal those things not the things
where you beat yourself up although you
could say that too if that's something
you're ashamed of I'm just trying to
figure out if it fits into the same
thing it seems to me the reason that
that is problematic is that it creates
emotional suffering in you yes and it
puts your mind on busy work like your
mind's just [ __ ] spinning on the
saying oh God do I go into this business
meeting if they find out like so you've
got this exactly some amount of your
cognitive energy is going into something
that doesn't make sense wasted it's not
serving you so again it's it's holding
power over you uh and then defined by
the opinions of others the power of this
mindset again we need to be in
relationship with people so we need to
make sure that we have people in our
lives in order to get things done but
when we are defined by every opinion of
other people we are more powerless
uh and then drift towards complacency
again this is not about
for me it's not about okay I love and
accept myself and I'm going to do
nothing with my life it's about being
very clear on what you want so if you
are in any of those
uh areas and you can just reflect am I
in a state where I'm doing any of these
things or these things cause me
resistance if so then there are certain
things to overcome those certain things
have power over you doesn't mean you're
not going to be effective or get results
or be a good person it just might be
holding you back from your energy so the
goal is to get clear on the awareness of
that first and move towards the
greatness mindset which is to be driven
by a meaningful Mission and there's a
difference between success and greatness
with 30 years of my life I wanted to be
successful and I accomplished for me
what was successful in sports in
business
and I was still unhappy I was unhappy I
was miserable I would actually beat
myself up all the time call myself
horrible things all the time
right after I would accomplish the big
goals that I had I'd be angrier after
I'd accomplished them but I was thinking
my whole life well when I'm successful
I'll be happy but I still wasn't happy
well let me go for the bigger goal in
sports let me be a pro athlete let me be
in the USA olympic handball team now let
me go for business now let me do New
York Times let me do all these things
but why am I still not why am I still
beating myself up why am I still unhappy
and unfulfilled why do I still ruminate
at night
why do I still stress out about little
things when someone cuts me off I get
triggered and scream at people why what
was the answer I was wounded and then
when there's a wound that's open if you
poke it it's going to hurt you and
you're gonna react ah you're gonna
whatever comes whatever's inside of you
is going to come out so there was anger
resentment fear and security self-doubt
inside of me so when you squeeze a human
being what comes out is the emotions
inside
if I had peace and love and harmony what
would come out is okay I can handle this
situation because that's what I have
inside of me
so I had to learn all these things the
hard way many times it takes me a lot
longer to learn things in Utah and so
I'm Dreaming I feel like the slowest
learner
but the greatest mindset is someone
who's driven by a meaningful Mission and
I and I
if you can get clear in one sentence
what that is for this season of life
that can be in the next three months I
don't care whatever season you're in
just get clear on what direction you're
going that is the greatness mindset you
turn fears into confidence for a long
time in my life in my 20s I would create
these Fearless
all the things I was afraid of and
insecure about all the things that held
me back that I resisted and I just said
I'm not going to be an effective or
useful human being if I don't Master
these films these fears so I started
knocking them off one by one one by one
all the things that held me back and
started going all in on them public
speaking I could not speak in front of
five people without being terrified
crippled sweating humiliated beating
myself up because everyone was more
intelligent around me
so I said this is the first one I'm
going all in I found a coach and a guide
that helped me every single week for a
year overcome the fear but I took
Extreme Action I went to Toastmasters
every week I would study and practice my
speeches on my own I would work with a
coach to watch my game film of me
speaking and I would reflect and act and
change and adapt to improve and overcome
the fear of public speaking I did this
in many different things
but if you have a list of fears and
you're not actively working on
overcoming them then you're living more
in the powerless mindset you're gonna
those things will continue to consume
you in different areas of your life so
if you want to be more effective you got
to turn fears into confidence you
overcome the self-doubt you know I
believe self-doubt is the killer of all
dreams when we doubt ourselves it holds
us back in some way the fear of failure
success and judgment is the three causes
that that cause us to doubt ourselves
three how do you get to the other side
of that is it just we did a Toastmasters
just do it do it do it well this is the
the whole process of the book is is
going through the process of how to do
it but the first one is getting clear on
your meaningful Mission and figuring and
identifying which mindset are you in
currently and so for me I was never
afraid of success or failure I wanted to
succeed and as an athlete the coaches
would teach us that you must fail to
learn how to be successful and I would
also knew that uh you know Michael
Jordan missed 50 of his shots and the
greatest Hall of Fame baseball players
failed 70 of the time and they're in the
Hall of Fame
so they were successful failing most of
the time
and so I knew that failure was just a
part of the process but a lot of people
when you ask them if they're afraid of
failure and it's why they haven't
launched their book or done their show
or put themselves out there in whatever
they want to do it's because they're
afraid of failure the second fear is
success I was never afraid of success
because I wanted success but I wanted it
from a wound to fit in to belong to be
liked to be loved and so when you get
something from a space of a wound it's
still never going to be enough
do you think there's ever going to be a
time though where you don't have
self-doubt
I think there's going to be a time where
I say
um I'm gonna I think there's gonna be
lots of times where I say here's a new
thing I've never done
um I don't know what I'm doing
uh
why is that not stressful for you where
that's those same exact words are
devastating for some other people
it's not stressful for me because I just
know the context I'm getting into
something and I'm not going to be good
at it right away do you still have a
negative voice in your head though
that's like the only thing you suck
yes sometimes and so again it's not like
I have this perfect mindset of all the
time I think it's more interesting if
you fight with it and have tools to deal
with it then oh no three years ago I
hung it up on the shelf and I never have
to deal with it no and I think this is
going to happen at every stage and
season of Life As We shift our identity
as we sell a company as you get into a
relationship if you become a father if
you do all these things there's going to
be new things
I'm letting go of an old identity and
stepping into a new or part of it is new
right maybe there's some of the old but
I'm stepping into something new
uh one of my fears right now is speaking
Spanish like I'm learning I'm practicing
but I still get very like uncomfortable
in settings trying to speak it because
my old fear of man you sound like an
idiot is just coming to the surface like
man you just sound like a child right
now around all these adults who are
fluent Spanish speakers but I know that
I'm a beginner and so if I beat myself
up trying to be an expert
when I know things to it takes me a
little longer to learn certain things
so I have compassion of myself and I
just say it's okay you know let go of
the result of needing to be perfect
right now just put in the best effort
just kind of like with this book it's
like I gave it my best in this in this
moment in this season
and I'm okay with that and that doesn't
mean I'm not trying to improve and get
better but I can be okay with the effort
that I'm putting in right now and I can
understand that I'm around a bunch of
Spanish-speaking people that have been
fluent their whole lives and so I can't
expect to be in two years perfectly
fluent so it's it's just learning to
navigate and manage that and accept
being uncomfortable constantly which is
not fun the truth is hitting your career
goals is not easy you have to be willing
to go the extra mile to stand out and do
hard things better than anybody else but
there are 10 steps I want to take you
through that will 100x your efficiency
so you can crush your goals and get back
more time into your day you'll not only
get control of your time you'll learn
how to use that momentum to take on your
next big goal to help you do this I've
created a list of the 10 most impactful
things that any High achiever needs to
dominate and you can download it for
free by clicking the link in today's
description all right my friend back to
today's episode one thing I want to
acknowledge for people is that there
really are consequences like you
probably really do sound stupid and
they're probably really are people
judging you for it 100 yeah and so my
thing is the part of what people have to
get comfortable with is it really is
having the negative effect that you're
you're afraid it's having experience can
you deal with that 100 and once people
can go oh I see there really will still
be consequences I really will still have
a negative voice in my head and I still
have to Anchor around yes but the whole
point of a greatness mindset is there's
this meaningful mission that you're
going after you need to fight through
that you need to stay on task and
unfocused I I have this feeling that a
lot of people think oh Lewis finally
doesn't have a negative voice Lewis
doesn't have to deal with this anymore
and so I just need to get to Lewis's
position and they don't realize no what
you're doing is putting together tools
that allow you instead of wallowing in
insecurity for three days weeks years or
that that insecurity stops you from
speaking in front of people you have the
same discomfort you do it anyway people
do think less of you in the moment but
you keep going and so then on a long
enough timeline people like God damn how
what why was Lewis able to do that and I
can't
and when I when I
am defined by the opinions of others
because they will have when I was Salsa
dancing three times a week as a a tall
white Gringo guy in a Latin world
with Spanish music Spanish language
all Latinos and I'm the only white guy a
foot taller than everyone standing out
like a sore thumb in the middle of the
Dance Floor I was being laughed at I was
being made fun of
um it was humiliating to step on girls
feet it was uncomfortable and I was
sweating crazy when I would go out there
for the first few months because I was
so worried about how I looked I was so
defined by other people
but that's the reason why I didn't go
dancing for the first three months
because I was defined by the people when
I finally took the step on the Dance
Floor after three months of going and
watching not like a weird creep but
almost like a creep on the sidelines
just kind of watching and being
mesmerized by like the music and the
passion the experience
and I took a step out on the Dance Floor
after three months
that's when I started to overcome the
opinions of others when I went out there
and here's the funny thing there
probably were people like laughing and
making fun of me but I was so in my own
world of just like trying to figure out
the basic steps that when I eventually
looked up after 10 minutes no one ends
up looking at me they were all doing
their own thing and so I was like okay
they're not all staring and pointing at
me the entire time maybe for part of the
time they are
but I have a vision of being able to
travel the world to any City and any
country in the world not know the
language but be able to dance the
language of salsa and build community
and connections and friendships and
experiences
and I was led by a meaningful mission
I had this dream in my mind that one day
I want to be able to do this and for 15
years I have traveled the world and I go
sometimes alone by myself when I'm
traveling or speaking and I'll find the
best salsa clubs and I'll have the night
of my life because I can go up to the
best female salsa dancer I can
confidently ask her
Can we dance and I can have an amazing
five-minute experience dancing with
someone because I now know the language
by overcoming that fear
by overcoming the self-doubt
by overcoming that opinion of Judgment
of other people and being uncomfortable
it took a long time
by being uncomfortable consistently and
then becoming fluent has given me so
much more joy and pleasure and
experiences and fun and memories that I
wouldn't have had had I let fear in
self-doubt [ __ ] me in the opinions of
other crippled me and so that's why it's
so important to have a meaningful
Mission with Spanish
I've been trying to learn Spanish for
over 20 years I took it in high school
college I tried to always tutor like
I've tried it and it's been the thing
that's held me back the most but just
because I haven't become fluent in 20
years doesn't mean it's going to stop
because I have a mission and a dream
that when I have a child I'm going to be
able to speak fluently with my kid that
my kid I want my kid to be fluent in
Spanish and English that when I'm able
to travel to to Mexico or any Latin
community that I can speak on their
level that I can resonate and connect
with hundreds of millions of people who
speak a different language that I can
tap into people's hearts and souls and
connect emotionally and meet them where
they're at not expect them to understand
some white American who feels like he's
privileged speaking his own language
that's just my vision and dream to be
able to one day go to Mexico on my own
not with my girlfriend
walk into a store and have a full
conversation with a grandmother who's
working the store and ask her about her
life in Spanish for me that is a mission
that inspires me now
it's been 20 years of suffering and
Challenge and embarrassment but I'm
getting closer I can see I can taste
like it's a little bit of taste I could
have there oh I had a little moment with
someone for like 20 seconds wow I don't
feel like a complete idiot okay let me
go a little farther and a little further
and maybe it's going to take me another
five years 10 years
but as long as I'm proud of the effort
that I make today of what I can create
just like I did with this book and other
projects I'm proud of the effort today
as opposed to beating myself up and
blaming myself and calling myself an
idiot
I feel proud about who I am of
overcoming something that is hard for me
and that gives me more confidence has
ambition given you more or taken more
away from you
wounded ambition has taken a lot for me
being ambitious to prove people wrong to
look good and to succeed to fit in has
hurt me more than has helped me I've got
a lot of things that I'm proud of on my
highlight reel of life
but I wish I didn't get them the way I
did I wish I didn't suffer so much in
order to get them to have them
because
the book the last book I did about the
masking masculinity
it didn't hit any lists it didn't it was
a New York time bestseller it didn't
sell a million copies it did it you know
it's a fraction of what I would have
liked it to do but it continues to
impact men and help help men heal
and I have a deeper appreciation for the
work
even though it didn't hit some huge
highlight reel but I was because I was
creating that place from trying to
really serve people no matter what type
of list it had so ambition
from a wound never really felt
like the best thing
but ambition from a place of a
meaningful mission is what it's all
about do you consider yourself to still
be ambitious 100 percent
totally ambitious what what is the
difference either in the texture of how
it feels or in the day-to-day movements
that made one and I mean I get it the
the initial thing you're going to say is
because it was coming from a wound but
like what what is this feel like as you
move into okay that isn't such a wound
it's manageable or maybe it's completely
gone but
I think a lot about ambition in my own
life yes my assessment in my life is
ambition has given me far more than it's
taken but it has taken and ambition is a
cruel mistress
and while I don't perceive myself as
acting out of a wound I do see myself as
acting in the grips of a biological
imperative from the time I was a little
kid I've just been hyper ambitious yes
nothing brings me more joy than so
you've gone through a couple things I
would call compelling Futures to use
Tony Robbins language you're so right
you have to have something that excites
you and when I think about how much I
can endure and how wonderful I've made
my life because of the ambition but
there are times where I'm like what the
[ __ ] am I doing like this is crazy
so I'm curious as to you know I knowing
you off camera you strike me as very
ambitious it's one of the things that I
like so much about you yeah
how is ambition done well
again there's no right or wrong yes
there is it's what's useful yes there is
it's what's healthy I will say if it's
healthy and useful it is right right if
it is unhealthy and useless it is wrong
using my language
yeah I think I've I I think I've done I
do my best again I'm an imperfect human
being but I do my best to catch myself
from judgments or comparison of what is
good and bad right and wrong and instead
say
what makes me feel the most authentic
and gives me renewable energy and peace
and harmony
so I'm trying to create it from that
context
can I still be extremely driven and
focused on the biology inside of me
pulling me to create and drive and build
Empires and all these things but doing
it from a place of peace and Harmony in
my efforts
that's what I'm talking about and for me
can I call [ __ ] sure okay so
by doing this my business is doubled yo
yes so I I have no doubts results what I
want to know is when are you when do you
feel the most peace
when I'm the most authentic
because I'm not lying to myself yes
I don't feel I don't feel I won't feel
peace if I'm poor
peace just a lack of internal conflict
for you
no I definitely want to have money in
the bank and have like
and be progressing in my life so those
two fall under the umbrella of peace
if I'm making an impact on my mission
and I'm improving my mission I'm getting
closer to my vision
if I feel Harmony inside my heart which
means I'm in alignment with my Integrity
which means I'm courageous my actions
which means I'm working on my health all
these different things
uh and I feel peaceful and I have a big
mission I have a big ambition to serve
100 million lives weekly
that's my mission it's interesting you
and I really experience life differently
uh it may be that we use different words
that's entirely possible or it may be
that you've discovered something that I
have not yet discovered and I can open
you up and you can change my life right
now but here my mission is to serve 100
million lives weekly that's not a small
Mission no it's huge and I it's not me
it doesn't mean I don't want to make
money I want to make money I see the the
where you and I approaches differently
so here here is uh as you describe the
things you want to do they're so similar
to what I want to do so for now we'll
just sort of round it to you and I
roughly it manifests differently but we
have roughly the same thing we want to
have a whole lot of people impact people
constantly yeah
um that brings me my highest highs and
my lowest lows
it does not bring me peace I don't why
not again these are just my words why
doesn't it bring you peace so well let
me Define peace so peace to me is
emotional Equanimity meaning I'm just
I'm at ease meditation brings me peace
um
when Lisa and I've just had sex and I'm
laying with her that's peaceful yeah
it's [ __ ] awesome my mind is quiet
the world is still my ambition is
dampened it's there's there's no sense
of I'm trying to accomplish there is
only like I'm here in this moment now I
really looked at there were two paths
before me path number one was Buddhist
Detachment I could live a life like a
monk I could remove because I actually
agree I think the Buddhists are right
all suffering arises from desire and
attachment you want something you're
pursuing something that happened wanting
it yeah and all of yours all of your
non-sort of broken bone suffering is
gonna and even that like not to derail
in your brain pain and suffering are
actually in different places so all of
your suffering comes from an expectation
I don't want this broken arm to hurt
that's suffering it may still hurt but
you know I'm not accepting it
and so when I think about peace I would
be far more peaceful so if I had sold
Quest just a ridiculous amount of money
I never need to work again ever ever
ever
I work more and harder now than I ever
have in my life so I I am often asking
myself oh what are you optimizing for so
I had these two paths monastic
Detachment the end of suffering that
comes from that or massive engagement
massive impact
and I knowingly chose to get go down the
massive impact path but it has not
brought me peace and isolation there are
times for sure one of the harmony I like
that word harmony okay I don't think
isolation is people here's the thing for
me
the most suffering would come from
knowing my that I have so much potential
and I'm complacent yes that would be the
most beating the person you could have
been that's [ __ ] interesting knowing
that I have something to offer to other
people yeah to the world in some way it
doesn't have to be grandiose but
whatever way it is knowing that I have
something to offer and I'm just taking
it easy and chilling all the time for me
that would be the ultimate suffering
could you ever see yourself pursuing a
life that wasn't grandiose
I feel like grandiose could look
different for people but I I could see
myself that's defining I'm not going to
let you squirm out of this Define
grandiose
ah
well my thinking of what I'm hearing you
say grandiose is pursuing something
great and making a big impact on the
world in a big way that's focus in on
the word big yes
it's like not hey I helped that one guy
that is not grandiose it might be
beautiful but it isn't grandiose I think
it would have to be a long time away
where I'd be like okay I did it multiple
times or I did it once or I did it for
however long and it made the impact that
I think I was supposed to be make and
now I'm just going to transition the
impact in a different way a different
season
so it'd be like doing this for I don't
know however many decades and then be
like all right I've reached my
meaningful Mission now it's time to
reevaluate what is the new mission of
this season of life
maybe it's a different type of impact I
don't know maybe I just want to hang
with my grandkids for two hours a day
and then Mentor you know world leaders
and it's like impacting the impactors
even their [ __ ] you're back to
world leaders you're not like it's
interesting
it's whatever the in it's whatever the
potential is that I feel like is inside
of me I wanted to make sure that I'm
maximizing that potential that doesn't
need to be I have to be the one doing
everything it could be I'm going to get
wiser and I'm going to impact 10 people
who are doing everything
you know it's a different transition of
impact and service yes I'm playing with
this idea so please don't think I'm
trying to put wisdom across but I think
it's very interesting I think that many
many certainly men want to play Big 100
and I want to play Big I do but I can
still be peaceful in myself yeah sorry
I'm not trying to meld these two things
I'm just saying it's inch I think you're
trying to play Big which I am very
inspired by I want to play Big agreed
and but it doesn't mean I have to stress
my whole life agreed so now help me yes
I have not found the path where I can go
as big hard and fast as I want to go and
not not constantly sort of because I I
have developed tactics for ooh the
stress isn't fun anymore and now I know
how to download myself back right and
I'm not doing less that's not what I'm
doing I'm adjusting my mind I'm thinking
different things heal your thoughts
first right so it all comes back from
that but I'm very curious
are you striving to never sort of pass
out of that so that meaning where you go
from this is manageable this is peaceful
this is harmonic harmonic harmonic to
like this [ __ ] is not fun anymore what
the [ __ ] am I doing or are you getting
good at like it's it's it'll hit a peak
but I know how to rapidly pull it back
down yeah I think it's the whole analogy
of like
I don't know if this is a religious
terminology where it's like instead of
asking God or the universe for Less
workload it's asking for a stronger back
does that turn you on that turns me on
it turns me on no idea how much but I
don't think it's about not for a lighter
load pray instead for stronger shoulders
God damn but here's the thing
I think it's
it's all comes down to the emotional and
mental shoulders and learning how to
navigate our emotions in the world with
the scale of people and problems that
come our way so that's when I think of
Harmony and peace not of like I'm not
going to be around any problems or
stress or isolated that's not what I'm
talking about it's about how can I be
the alpha gorilla
in chaos and just walk through and just
move things around when I need to
as opposed to be screaming like a monkey
all the time freaking out when there's
stress and chaos and fighting no I just
know I've got broad shoulders
and I can see my surroundings and I can
be like okay you guys need to break up
this fight you need to come over here a
little one and you can just stop doing
this and be able to navigate it and not
let it trigger me
that's what I feel like it's it's
becoming more of an emotional
aware human as every new season and
level comes to me and that's why I feel
like there will always be some type of
uncomfortable feeling or doubt there'll
be a moment of like okay I don't know
how to speak Spanish this whole room is
speaking Spanish I don't understand
so of course I don't understand but can
I be confident and comfortable
not knowing everything and being okay
with being the outside person here in
this space can I still hold myself
confidently and just listen and pay
attention can I be okay with not being
okay
and I think that's the game it's like
learning how to do that at different
levels I'm sure you learned that when
you've had your first 20 employees you
probably felt comfortable at a level and
then you got to 50 and it's like ah how
do I manage this you have to create new
systems you have to learn something new
about yourself
emotionally manage it then 500 employees
and a thousand it's like ah I'd be like
what do I do how do I manage this you
had to go through that in the
uncomfortable phase and now you can
manage it you've got broader shoulders
emotionally and mentally to face those
things
and I think that's just it I keep
leveling up into the meaningful mission
and figuring out whatever fear you have
you got to go all in on this stage to
support you to not break down with such
a big mission so for me I like having a
big mission I don't think you need a big
mission but I think you do need a
meaningful mission when I was broke on
my sister's couch I couldn't think
Beyond
making enough money to get my apartment
that was the mission of life and I only
had the skills at that time emotionally
mentally
to to do that one thing I couldn't think
Beyond it
but once we get to the new level then we
can start to do those things one of the
things that I think about is creating a
healthy identity with ourselves that's
part of the greatest mindset
when I used to be self-critical beating
myself up pu