Kind: captions
Language: en
you know who drank is Churchill that's
my whole that's my guy yeah you know
that's my guy right so he uh he did
champagne you don't have to tell me
anything about Winston Churchill he I
found out about his daily routine yeah
so his daily routine was a big breakfast
cigar coffee eggs honey Side Up toast
bacon sausage tomato beans uh fruit
orange juice soft Scotch cigar in bed
and he'd sit there for three hours and
then he get in the bathtub and drink
champagne and then he'd go to lunch and
have some goose with more champagne and
then he'd take a nap and like I love
that so every year on hit the day of his
death I think it's January 24th I
celebrate Winston Churchill's Life by
living the way he did and so I have
breakfast in bed with a soft scotch and
I just party all day that would be the
guy to drink with
the following is a conversation with
bird Chrysler a stand-up comedian
podcaster actor and a man they call the
machine
I've been a fan of his comedy and
podcasts for many years and I highly
recommend you watch him on broadcast to
Bears one cave with Tom Segura his
cooking show called something's burning
and finally the new movie that tells the
story of the man the legend the machine
this is the Lex Friedman podcast to
support it please check out our sponsors
in the description and now dear friends
here's Bert Kreischer
I read somewhere that you like Ernest
Hemingway love him there's a quote
there's nothing to writing all you do is
sit down at a typewriter and bleed do
you agree with that I agree I agree well
I agree with that with journaling
because I can't write um
I can't write stand up like I can't
write a bit but if I Journal I'll find
something that I go just right
kind of writing where your the pen is
moving faster than your brain and
they're kind of like doing it together
the thing I liked about Ernest Hemingway
this is so stupid
I'm a little dyslexic and so I'm not a
good reader and so he wrote very simply
and it wasn't until after I read a bunch
of Ernest Hemingway I was working in
Barnes and Noble and this person said
don't you love his titles and I was like
yeah Sun Also Rises and they're like
yeah but Now The Sun Also Rises and I
was like yeah it's almost Rises and I'm
like no this no the Sun Also arises and
I went
oh
yeah that is fucking badass yeah and
then I'm like always late to the party
with anything and then that night we
were all doing coke and uh it was like
five in the morning and we ended up on
the roof of my apartment in Greenwich
Village
um the the like I'm a sunset guy I go up
in Florida but sunrises in New York are
electric blue like electric blue
and I was like
The Sun Also Rises
yeah he was so good
with just a handful of words the
Simplicity the choice of words like uh
basically his process is carving down
right drunk edit Sober by drunk at it
sober yeah but he was good at like at
like
a small amount of words to to get a
point across I'm the exact fucking
opposite well he's also said uh the
first draft of anything is always shit
is that uh is that true for you I think
so
the best one I have he goes downhill
from there so for you editing is
destroying the original the first time I
tell the first time I tell it it's
perfect
it's perfect it just it works and then I
go great and then I take it and I try to
fix it and make it better and jazzier I
just joke and Razzle Dazzle about my
daughters and I driving past the deaf
child's line
and uh I just told it on stage it just
happened and Louie was in the audience
because I love that joke I said really
he goes yeah and I just told it and I
went done Louis CK says he likes a joke
it's fucking it's in the special
and I tried to fucking Razzle Dazzle
that joke into like a 15 minute bit it
got to the point where it was so
obnoxious it was so bad that I I told
him I I did a podcast with him I said
what did you like about that joke
because I can't get it to work anymore
because it was just simple it was simple
that your daughter didn't know how
they'd figure out where deaf kids lived
oh that's it
he's like yeah I was like nothing about
gun control and he was like huh I was
like oh fuck man I really fucked that
joke up and then I had to I had to go
back to the beginning of it but that
first time
that's when that's when the joke comes
out purest for me and then it's always
chasing back to get that get that first
telling some jokes are different like
the machine obviously was a much longer
story and like in like escape room for
this one the longer stories take a
little work but the the simple ones
like like the deaf child in pajamas and
those first times are perfect what do
you think is it
is it about the machine story that works
that was so uh captivating for people
I think it's a I think I don't know I
really wish I I don't know I think it's
a good story I think it's a good story I
think everyone has something similar
that happened in their life where they
had a crazy night and that no one
believed and they told their friends and
their friend and and or they experienced
that with a friend like that and and
I think
I think that's got to be it I really
don't know I think there's a part of I
think there's a part of the like our
community of Comedy fans that were that
early death squad that was fun to watch
someone take something from the podcast
and turn it into a bit on stage yeah I
think there's a lot of that but I think
people identify with a wild crazy night
that got out of control that they've
probably had too I I think I don't
fucking know
you think Putin knows who you are
because of that story I hope so
my fucking hope so
I hope so but there's there's a part of
me that that you gotta understand is
like I'm not
I say stuff like that I'm sure there's
someone hears that and they go who is
this fucking narcissist you're like no
that's not it I'm just telling you the
truth like I understand what I'm
supposed to say well you know I don't
know I you know I I don't know that's
hard to say but I don't fucking give a
shit about that guy I'm not that guy I'm
telling you everything that comes out of
my mouth the second it comes out I'm
gonna be 100 honest I don't know any
other way to live I kind of hope so that
would be fucking cool and I look I know
he's about I guess he's a bad dude I
don't follow politics ton but it'll be
cool if like one day someone's like uh
he's he's on his computer and some guy
goes and he's like yeah
and he's like duh
and he's like and it shows it to him and
and then he's like a fucking this guy
huh it's not out of the realm of
possibility that uh Putin has watched it
and yeah this this podcast this has kind
of made me realize how like small the
world is I've gotten to meet some
incredibly oh like especially the
interesting people like that's I mean
that's the thing where I go
like it's gotten really crazy
the internet's really insane and Netflix
is really insane and the reach of like
people that like this is really simple
but like I'm a big fan of the show drink
Champs I didn't think in a million years
Nori would ever know who I was
and then he offered me to come to his
podcast and then when I got there he
told me he was a fan of mine and I went
like I remember moving to New York
listening to you and Capone like I'm
sitting there going wow
like and then and the phone calls I've
gotten since the movie came out and uh
since Razzle Dazzle came out have been
really insane when you realize
as much as I know about people and I I
like there's people I'm fans of that
don't know who I am that like that are
like they're like some uh pitcher in
fucking Florida that I follow the kids I
like I think it's fun to watch him pitch
there was a softball player in uh Tempe
that she do catching drills and I was
really into softball with my daughter
and we watched her Casting girls there's
a girl deglazer who me and my daughters
would watch her dance videos and then I
hit her up she's like you know who I am
and you're like oh yeah that's the way
the world Works uh what world leader
would you drink with if you could you
imagine Putin
so Putin doesn't drink much yeah
zielinski drinks more yeah but also not
much of course yelson would have been a
good one you would have been a fucking
good one I mean like I I go Hitler was a
pussy like he he drank wine with it with
a cut with a spoonful of sugar in it
you've never drank what Churchill that's
why hold on that's my guy yeah you know
that's my guy right no I don't know
that's okay
so he uh he did champagne you don't have
to tell me anything about Winston
Churchill he I found out about his daily
routine yeah so his daily routine was a
big breakfast cigar coffee eggs over you
egg sunny side up toast bacon sausage
tomato beans uh fruit orange juice soft
Scotch cigar in bed and he sit there for
three hours and he'd hold morning
breakfast and that's they'd come in and
he'd run through his day and then he'd
get in the bathtub for fucking an hour
and drink champagne and then he'd go to
lunch and have some Goose or whatever
the fuck they ate back then with more
champagne and then
and then and then I mean and then you
take a nap and like I love that so every
year on the day of his death things
January 24th I celebrate Winston
Churchill's Life by living the way he
did and so I have breakfast in bed with
a soft scotch and I just party all
fucking day that would be the guy to
drink with that would be the guy if you
could pick anyone to drink with he drank
every day throughout the day he lives
like 94. and was
one of the most heroic figures in human
history Never Never Surrender
I mean what a fucking badass thing you
know he taught he taught the Queen the
queen was like uh like a like a window
licking idiot right like she was she had
a third grade education so like her dad
dies and she's like 10 or 12 or whatever
the first thing they do is they pull her
out of school that I keep done learning
he's just gonna be the queen you gotta
know this is what you need to learn
don't make let people make eye contact
with you put your hand down like this
don't let people touch you so she like
she had like a really I saw the by the
way I didn't do this research I just
watched the crown okay and Winston
Churchill kind of taught her about world
politics and was they like coming and
she'd be like Winston what did we do in
Africa and he's like oh this is gonna be
a tough one and so yeah so but Winston
Churchill's the badass but if I had to
drink with someone living like drink
there's like there's a two obvious one
like obviously it's fucking Kim Jong-un
right you kind of wanna he drinks no he
does
[Laughter]
you think my IVs are good in the morning
you know Kim jong-un's IVs are next
you're like I feel up and he's like it's
amphetamine he would be a badass to
drink with but he drinks hard liquor uh
I think it's Scotch Johnny Walker Blue
that's what I've heard
I don't know where you heard this but I
like this okay so I say things like that
but then I'm sure I I I I I I I don't
know if you've ever partied with someone
who just parties a little different than
you and then you notice like like
sometimes celebr like athletes
and then like you're at a strip club and
then they they talk weird to a woman
you're like oh that's not me I'm so
sorry so that would be the thing the
atrocities would be hard to get past
with them that's just the atrocity but
the way of being I agree with you I
actually don't like drinking with
rich and powerful people often there's
something weird about them yeah not not
all of them and I don't like I don't
like a drinking meeting like with some
of those let's let's
people go like hey uh I'm taking you out
tonight we're drinking yeah and then I
go oh that's not the way I like to do it
it gives me anxiety like
um our lives are very different you and
I yeah were you a fraternity no
we could start there yet no it was not
okay
and the differences continue from there
I'm sure so when you get your pleasure
pin uh-huh they take you out and their
whole thing is you're gonna we're
getting you fucked up yeah that energy
is not my energy I don't like that like
it's I just go why don't we just get
drunk and feel really good about
ourselves like I never like took
mushrooms to see Jesus I just wanted to
enjoy Rain-X on a windshield like so
like that that for me
uh is like one of my things so if if Kim
Jong-un flew me to North Korea to drink
with him I'd be like I'd have to start
really getting blackout drunk on the
plane to enjoy drinking with him that
day
what's your favorite like different
occasions what's your favorite drink
what's your favorite way of drinking
it's it's I've got it varies so what are
the different contexts here it's like
one-on-one
one-on-one like you sit down with I
don't know Rogan invites you like it's a
Godfather to sit down and finally have a
talk about something it's going to be
whiskey
it's gonna be like a nice whiskey neat
no I like it on the rocks and I like
lots of rocks it won't be something
expensive because Rogan is not he's not
a fancy boy you know like he's a real
regular he's a really regular dude
he's gotten less regular the more
millions of dollars he has I think
there's parts of him where you're like
yeah like where you're like oh wow we
can do this yeah
um but he's a right he'd be like Jack on
the rocks or like Buffalo Trace or one
of the maybe a little whiskey he's
buying Rogan B uh whiskey rocks
and then like that's a good one I
haven't hung out with Joe by ourselves I
take that back I was with him the other
night but like I would be cool my times
with Joe's are are always on podcasts
yeah and his I missed the times where it
was we just have you and him at the
store late night yeah I I'm okay with
podcasts okay I used to think this is
like uh performative or something like
this but it's not really no that's just
the chance to really sit down I enjoy it
because of the people I could never sit
down with ah like David Cross I would
never sit down with David Cross because
we don't run in the same circles and but
it's nice he has something to promote
and then he comes to my house and then
we can sit down for an hour and talk and
then and then or Kevin Smith like people
I would never really hang out with Tom
um
I enjoy being alone with Tom Moore off
Mike Tom Segura yeah we have a lot of
history there's a lot of things secrets
we know about each other and there's a
lot of Secrets going on in our each
other's lives that I would never share
on podcasts that I'd that I can talk to
him about and I really appreciate his
and I know this isn't on brand of us
beating each other up but like I really
appreciate his insight as a as a dad and
as a dude and as a son
but but he makes me giggle harder than
anyone so doing a podcast is fun so
there's something on a podcast that's
performative for you with him and then
there's a party me and him because we're
trying to make each other laugh but I'll
tell you if we're going back to drinks
I'll tell you
like a great a great afternoon drink is
a comparti spritz it's my one of my
favorite drinks I don't even know what
that is oh the party Spritz Campari is
an interesting alcohol
because I think it's a bitter uh or it's
a liqueur and it's got a weird rooty
earthy taste it's red so it looks like
Kool-Aid that's why I got into it I
thought camparion ice would be oh so
nice it was an old commercial but man
it's fucking like sucking the green
Giant's dick it is earthy what's earthy
it's like it tastes like Roots it's oh
nice it's not it's not it's there's a
bitterness and like a it's just not
great
and then someone introduced me to a
Negroni which is Campari and gin and a
little soda water and then the Campari
Spritz compari Spritz is Campari
Prosecco and soda water in like a wine
glass and it is
so enjoyable it's got so many different
profiles to it where you get the
bitterness but the sweetness of the
Prosecco and then it flattens it out
with the soda water and it looks like
Kool-Aid so I love it that's one of my
favorite drinks to share in what context
oh uh you're in Italy
and you've been walking around Venice
and everyone went their own ways and the
whole family comes back together and you
meet at a statue and and your wife's
sweating and she's uncomfortable and
your daughters are 16 and 18 and they're
like are what are we gonna what are we
doing with the rest of the day and you
go hey guys it's Europe does anyone want
to come party Spritz and everyone goes I
don't know what that is and you go
fucking party spreads now it's minor in
alcohol so it's not going to light them
up but it gives them a little bit of a
buzz where they're like Dad These are
nice Island didn't drink her so I drank
hers I Georgia had hers Leanne had hers
and we ordered another round I ordered
and they're
fucking refreshing and the buzz is
perfect it's not too much because it's
just a little bit of champagne and some
Campari if the buzz is perfect and then
a couple of them and then they kind of
disappear and then you're just walking
around again that's a great fucking
drink you ever drink alone
[Laughter]
so there's a two kinds of a loan one is
alone like at a bar oh wait there's
other people but they're strangers right
they're kind of like out there
keep going yeah don't walk me through
all the alarms and then I'll tell you
the rest there's all kinds of there's a
alone on a train we're transporting
stuff
and then there's just the lone in a in
an empty home or a hotel room hotel and
it's Sunday night Sunday night and
you're packing your bag and you got a
flight at six a.m yeah but Roadhouse is
on and you're like shit so you go down
to the front desk and go is the bar
still open and they go yeah can I order
something to take to my room sure how
about six Heinekens six Heinekens yeah
my wife wanted one too she's not up
there you murdered her and you just say
to yourself I'm just getting six so that
if I have four I just know I have two
extra ones and then you go through six
and you're like oh man I'm not done yet
dude I've drank in every alone scenario
you can possibly think of I've drank uh
I've drank alone in a helicopter with a
dude who didn't know I was drinking uh
he was I was like kind of drinking here
and he's like absolutely not and then I
poured it into a flask and opened it and
drank it and he's like dude we're in a
fucking helicopter you don't think I
spelled that the best alone drinking you
can ever do in my opinion now we're
getting into the Weeds on it is alone
behind someone's back
what do you mean like when they don't
know you're drinking but you're drinking
hmm like uh
like Christmas shopping uh
and your wife says all right let's all
split up and you go cool and it's like
it's like 11 o'clock on a Sunday and
they just opened that bar by the
elevator in the Beverly Center and you
just sneak over and you go hey man
can I get a double Jack on the raw socks
rods like sure and you just have it you
just go let's just and then you're off
and then you're like yeah yeah and then
you just little sneak one sneak it and
sneak it and then buzz and nobody knows
and then your wife's like wait have you
been drinking like
yeah I'm drinking by myself in a fucking
mall yeah on Christmas how sad do you
think I am and then you go yeah I am uh
what about mood do you ever drink in a
dark place so I broke I I had a chick
break up or a chick cheat on me
uh when I was when I came back from
Russia and she's something with my best
friend
and I didn't know how to deal with the
emotions I had and my buddy Mike Osborne
said I can tell you this if you drink
they go away and I went okay
and that was the first and kind of last
time I ever did that
because I did it I've done it I've done
it a couple times but it I try to avoid
I try to avoid if there's emotion going
to alcohol like meaning not when it's
anxiety but like depression yeah I kind
of sit in the depression because or
anxiety I lean towards alcohol like
anxiety like about flying or or
or just like getting worked up on over
something
but with depression I try to avoid
alcohol and just sit in it
um because I I because I've gone there
before but anxiety is up I land I land
all the time but depression heartbreak
all that you just sit in the feeling
yeah heartbreak's a weird one for me so
like the last time I got my heart broken
it Leanne dumped me
um we were dating for like four months
and she broke up with me and my instinct
was to have a drink my friends went to
this uh this uh middle eastern
restaurant and I told him what was going
on in my buddy of course like let's get
a cocktail and I was like I don't want
one I gotta figure this out because I
want this chick and if I start drinking
I'll be like ah fuck it
so I gotta figure it out like I wonder
I'm gonna find out my dad dies one day
or my mom but my dad will be the ruffle
my mom will be equally as rough my dad
and I were really close
and I wonder if I thought about this a
lot if I'll have a drink
dealing with that
like I think about that a lot I keep
saying everything I get with my dad is
extra my dad my dad had a 100 blockage
in his Widowmaker twice and both times
they saved his life and he got a stint I
think 12 or 13 years ago and then he
just got a stint this last year
but that's why everything I get to do I
feel like is extra and so you know he
was just at the premiere of my movie and
he got to see that and he had a very
emotional response and I got to I got
that from him and I was like that that's
a little ice on the cake I did you know
the arena in Tampa was the first time he
ever saw me do stand up that was like a
little extra so all these things I'm
getting with them are all extra so I
have you know at least 74 so
yeah that'll be a tough one well at the
premiere here's what proud yeah he came
out he was sobbing crying and he goes
I've underestimated you your whole life
and I was like what he was like and he
just and he was shaking yeah he goes I
just underestimated you I didn't know I
didn't know I didn't know you were this
I didn't do whatever it was really hard
to understand him to be honest with you
I don't know totally what he said he
might just not like the movie
I I think you uh were hearing what you
wanted to hear uh would you learn about
life from your father
uh it's not gonna make sense
I want to feel like sometimes I'm like a
professional fucking wrestler because
all I care about is you come and see me
do stand up so whatever I got to do to
get you there but
the number one thing my one takeaway
from that man's humility and
I applied I've applied it in different
ways throughout my career
on my 26th birthday he gave me a really
uh aggressive speech
he
I was hungover and I just thought he was
going to say good happy birthday so I
picked up the phone
and I was like Hey and he was like you
are a tremendous piece of shit
and he broke me off you have no humility
you have no this you'll never succeed in
anything you you're you're lying to
yourself you're lying to everyone around
you you're not doing what you're going
after your dream I broke you I failed
you as a father this and that I was like
I thought you're gonna wish me happy
birthday
and so
in that speech he told me if I wanted
something I had to go at it and I had to
go after it as as hard as I could
and I had to do whatever it could I
could do to achieve that in this case it
was working offering to do anything at
the comedy club to get on stage
he told I told him that's not how it
works and he said no that's that's how
it works for some poor kid from Harlem
because that kid needs it he goes you've
grown up with privilege your whole life
you don't need it you think you're going
to be fine
and so I went and I ended up getting a
job at the door but I
it was it was it was it's humbling it's
really like uh it's it makes me feel it
made me feel uncomfortable
and so that humility
uh is it's the first time I really
understood humility and I've applied
that in many respects in like in like
getting to be a paid regular at The
Comedy Store that happened late in life
for me and which I think most people
would give up and be like ah fuck that
I'm already a touring comic I'm on TV I
don't need that but it's something I
wanted and I knew I wanted so I I just
humbly went after it
and then I think I I still apply it when
it comes to
selling tickets or or selling a project
to the fans
or even doing podcasts I try to be as
honest as I can about whatever I'm going
through or whatever I'm dealing with but
when it comes to like selling things I
don't I don't have a problem
trying to make fun of myself or or
get in front of people so that they know
that that I have a show because like the
thing I'm good at though
the one thing I know I'm good at stand
up
and and I I say that humbly but like I
want them to come there so like I've
heard people make fun of me like before
they're like yeah I'm not some I'm not
some clown in a speedo who's one is
gonna I'm a real comic and I go okay but
I wanna I want them that my shows and
you can be that guy and I'll be this guy
yeah the clown the speedo yeah it's like
what are you gonna do
funny people make fun of me for taking
my shirt off like I guess behind my back
no one ever does it to me like no one
would ever
Comics aren't Comics aren't Comics
aren't that manly
[Laughter]
yeah yeah but I always go like I always
go like who what do you care what am I
what do you care and you love taking
shirt off more than anything
you know when something becomes meme it
becomes super popular it uh
it becomes easy to not love the thing
anymore to get tired of it you still
love it well more than anything
I like being shirtless
more than having a shirt I'm very
uncomfortable in a shirt yeah like right
now and I've tactile issues like I have
legit tacked all issues
I'm most comfortable in stretchy jeans
with a loose fitting belt and then these
shirts exactly but I don't I like more
like a v-neck I feel I can feel this on
my neck right now and I can feel it on
my arms and so I'm I'll sit a certain
way because it like it just rubs me
wrong
be a more comfortable shirtless I can
never wear what you're wearing
uh yeah well this is my shirtless each
of us have to find our place in this
world in terms of fashion I would love
to be able to wear what you wear yeah
because it looks good it feels like an
escape from convention
because you or me both of us yeah
because this nobody wears this
unless you work security for somebody
yeah but it looks good on you does it I
don't know you know I think people think
I don't like they would say like what
what if you lose weight you can't take
your shirt off anymore go no I can
fucking take my shirt off yeah you
fucking out of your mind I'm gonna take
my shirt off all the time
uh you mentioned uh early on heartbreak
after the Russia trip with a girl who
slept with your friend
uh let's go back to Hemingway quotes
the best way to find out if you can
trust somebody is to trust them
so to go all in with the trust
I love Hemingway so much
um have you been betrayed in your life
yeah
what do you think about trust
it's an interesting question
um
I've been betrayed in my professional
life a couple times by really close
friends
and uh
I'm not someone who can't like I have a
mantra that I mean I'm
I don't know if people have heard it or
not and I'm I hate I hate sharing it but
it's but it's true the Mantra is so you
think I'm weak
like do you think it's like that's my
thing because I I feel like people take
advantage of me and I go so you think
I'm weak
you forget everyone that like that and
I'm named the people that have betrayed
me I'm a larger man than all of them and
and but I and so that's what really
fucks with me is I go so you think I'm
weak like where I grew up when you do
stuff there was physical consequences I
grew up in Florida like I've been beaten
up a bunch I'm not saying I can fight
but like I'm not scared of getting
beaten up
and the the times that I've been
betrayed and and
even I know even like by Ari whichever
people see that drugging as a betrayal
and I did for a period but it was it was
only because it was Ari and he was my
one of my best friends and me and him
had to work through that because I I
couldn't not love him like I couldn't
not have him in my life he means a lot
to me he really does he's a great friend
to have
but he's also I don't know what's going
on with him at that time but he made a
bad decision and I had to forgive him
for that because I knew he he knew my
mantra
I think I'm harder to trust people now
I'm I'm not as apt to trust people at
all
but there was a moment I don't know if
I've ever shared this and I don't know
how this will sound but there was a
moment that information got leaked about
a thing and all my managers and agents
both both
Tom and my Tom and our managers and
agents would like to uh separate either
separate us
or one of us one of them get both of us
it's just more lucrative for them sure
so they have always kind of pitted us
against each other a little bit and they
do it subtly
um they'll do it to me and my team and
then his team will do it to me and then
my team will do it to him and his team
will do it to him
and there was a moment where information
got leaked about this thing I was doing
and my team was like just so you know
you're your boy Tommy is is the rat and
I had to
it was the one time and Leanne said do
you think Tom would do that
I said uh I don't know how Faith Works
like I'm not a super religious person
but I will tell you that I believe in
Tom and I don't think he did it and I
will stand by that ignorantly
and and I will and I will ride or die
with him because I cannot live in a
world where I don't trust him yeah if I
don't trust him then I am so fucked
and uh and it wasn't him it wasn't him
and it was it's a cool feeling to know
that you could like
that you could blindly trust someone
blindly have faith in someone know that
they're they have your best interest at
heart
but yeah it took me a while to get there
Rogan helped me get there because I
wasn't trusting him or Joey or Tommy or
anyone I wasn't trusting anyone I'd
gotten in a bad thing and I just wasn't
trusting anybody
Rogan was like yeah man we're trying to
be your fucking friend and I was like
yeah I don't I don't need friends
I couldn't understand what why Rogan was
interested in me and I was I said to
like someone I was like is he gay like
what the fuck yeah and then he was just
a nice guy he was just a nice guy
that'd be hilarious if Joe was sexually
attracted to you this whole time this
whole time is the reason he keeps
inviting it back I would be more excited
I would be more excited if just if he
tried to kiss me on the lips once just
and just and then like in a Scotty
Scotty J way from Boogie Nights where
he's like what do you like my car yeah
you know nobody would believe that story
no one yeah if I was Joe I would kiss
dudes all the time and then be like and
then and then when they didn't kiss back
oh you know no one ever believe you yeah
well when you trust people like that and
they fuck you over that can really
really really hurt
you end up on a treadmill
in a hotel room
fighting with them you fight with them
all the time you fight with them all the
time
you fight with them constantly
and it's and I and I I have this uh
thing like where I ruminate on an idea
and I can't get it out of my head and I
hear the words they say and then I and
so all in your head on a treadmill in
your head just fighting just fucking
fighting and then yeah
and then one day you get past it like
one day you just go huh fuck them I'm
not gonna let you give them real estate
and then you just forget about them and
then they reach out and they'll try to
be a dick or a bully because they're
bullies they're bullies is what they are
don't ever forget it they're fucking
bullies and they got bullied it's not
their fault they got bullied
and then they try to Bull you and you
don't have any connection anymore and
you're like oh you can go fuck yourself
you can actually go fuck yourself you're
not my boss you're not my wife you don't
fuck me don't pay me get the fuck out of
my life
but this kind of Mantra that you're not
weak you still want to be able to be
fragile to the world and appear weak
almost well I am I am I mean that's the
problem is I think I am pretty fucking
weak like I think I'm not the strongest
dude out there I have really thin skin
am I get my feelings hurt all the time
yeah and so but like but it sucks when
you watch like your friend
see something in you that you go
or they go fuck him he's not paying
attention
fuck him let's just fuck him let's take
his money you know what fuck him he
doesn't know what the fuck he's doing
look at me he's a drunk alcoholic and
you go oh no bitch I pay attention like
I'm I'm wide awake I'm here I'm working
my ass off you're not gonna fucking
well that's the tough thing about like
you and Tom Segura you're at the top of
your game on top of the world some of
the most famous comics in the world and
you could see money start to creep in
like uh business decisions yeah
I don't know it's a tough it's a tough
place it's really tough it's really
tough work you know especially as we're
growing
and and uh
I'll tell you what it
I don't know how much I'm allowed to say
but I can tell you this
with a business deal
where feelings were getting involved
and money was involved in that and the
money was causing the feelings
and one of us said
to the other person our feelings are
more important than the money so let's
just split the money and it was and it
was and it was and
and it was it was really like a solid
moment where I where both of us were
like that is how we should run this yeah
that's the interesting things like with
bands you have like
popular bands that split and even yeah
even though it's clear that the
contribution is not even it's like uh
there's a front man and all that kind of
stuff but it's ultimately the right
thing to do to say fuck you to the money
for the most part and prioritize the
feelings yeah especially because like
I couldn't do it without him he couldn't
do it without me we do it separately
we'll have guest Bears on some will blow
up some won't you can never figure it
out but when we're together it does well
and so we need each other for it to work
and we've you know
like I said we're on a handshake deal
with two bears and no one likes that
but we're like hey
I mean we I don't like to the point
where like he'll call me and go yo we
have a deal to do this for x amount are
you in and I go yeah
I'll go check the books I don't need to
I don't I don't I know him I just know
him yeah what do you love most about
Thompson
the we saw a gay couple one time this is
a good start and there was one guy was
in khakis and one guy was in jean shorts
with a python around his neck yeah and
Tom goes if we were gay which one would
you be I said I'm fucking python yeah
and he was like yeah I'm khaki and I go
really and he goes yeah that's why we
work and he goes all relationship for
pythons and khakis and I went really and
he goes look at you and Leanne who do
you think you are going I'm Python and
he goes she's khaki and he goes me and
push I go oh she's python he goes and
I'm khaki it'll always be khaki and
sometimes I'll have a relationship
around the python but it's I'm usually a
khaki yeah and I was like yeah I am a
little bit of a lunatic I'll tell you
the one of the a moment
that explains
me and him the world will never see it
was just a great moment we got stem
cells with Rogan one weekend yep and one
day
and I'd had surgery in my arm and Ty
didn't want to do it I was terrified and
Tom just said just come out and meet up
with us Tom knew he was going to make me
get them and so
I got them and he
you know Joe's there and so we're just
all talking yeah yeah yeah yeah and Tom
can see that I'm spinning out a little
bit
and I get in the car and you know Tom's
got a Porsche so we're like right next
to each other
and I just want to feel if it's swollen
and it is a little swollen because I
just got an injection and then and Tom's
driving and he's got his hand on the
thing he just puts his hand on my arm
and he goes you're okay he's just he's
watching he knows me so well that he
knows that I'm spinning out of control
he's like you're okay
and then I was like and I felt okay I
was like you're right I'm okay what the
fuck am I doing my brain's that brain
man that guy got so much love in him
dude he does he has uh
you know
he had a fantastic relationship with his
dad
and and and I think whatever that did
that dude did to create that dude he hit
it out of the fucking park because he
has
so much
uh love that he doesn't need
reciprocated like at all like he can
just love and then he feels good for him
to give and to like take care of someone
and like you know he started the whole
birthday gift thing because and he
didn't need to he just was like hey man
I had this bike I thought you'd like it
and then of course I've turned it into a
fucking bit
and now we're upside down I'm 120 upside
down on a fucking race car that we can't
make our money back on I love it uh what
do you love most about Joe Rogan oh that
dude
I could go on and on about Joe Rogan Joe
Rogan is the most selfless individual
I've ever met he doesn't care if he has
you on the podcast he wants you to be
the funniest person in the room he wants
you to be the smartest person in the
room let me tell you something Joe Rogan
is 10 times smarter and funnier than me
he wants you to shine he wants you he
wants to put you over to his fans he
that shit did not exist before he
started doing his podcast people didn't
share you with their fans no one was
like Hey man come on on the road with me
they brought me on the road because they
wanted you to suck and they put you in
bad scenarios Joe Rogan wanted you to
shine he gave he gave so many people
beautiful gave them careers gave them
Joe could have looked at his podcast as
his thing this is my thing I bring on
these guys I'm gonna be the funniest guy
in the fucking room I know some guys
that have done that
might be me might be I might talk over
people and not listen really well Joe
had did the opposite now look I've tried
to learn from Joe on my podcast and do
the same that guy when you think about
it you name 10 of his friends I bet
eight of them are doing Arenas right now
they're all doing theaters all his
friends do theaters all his friends do
theaters he is he is just
you know I I he and he won't accept this
compliment I tried paying it to him uh
in
in Austin when I was in Austin last well
he's not good at accepting compliments I
gave him a gift too and I say hey I need
I need to show you I can't just tell you
this because it's going to fall in deaf
ears I need to give you a minute so you
have something so you know that I think
about you and I'm grateful for having
you in my life a lot for many reasons I
have more friends in my life because of
you he taught me how to trust people
again I have a career because if you
have a major motion picture because of
you I do Arenas because of you without
you in my life a lot of these these
things maybe never would have happened I
never would have told the machine on
stage I wouldn't have gotten I would
have never started a podcast I wouldn't
have three podcasts like I mean all
these things are are things he not just
he didn't just take me to the water one
time and give me a drink he he gave me a
machete and he said this is how I get to
the water you gotta put your own path
but just give me a heads up you can also
use my path whenever you want I mean he
he is the most selfless individual he
will go down in history as one of the 10
most important people in stand-up comedy
without a doubt he changed the game it
didn't exist like this before him and uh
and he won't accept that compliment well
it's a gift you give him I can't tell
you is it a dildo he was a dildo
double-sided dildo I go hey when you get
free time can we scissor fuck each other
uh you're happily married uh for 19
years
so I think you're a good man to ask how
do you find love how do you find how do
you date in order to find a love of your
life of a lifetime this is gonna sound
off
but don't
don't tie yourself down meaning like
don't spend time
fucking with those little mini shrimp
and peeling them every night when you
know you're looking for a lobster yeah
like and so I think what happens a lot
of guys they just they're so busy and
like just getting pussy and going from
here to here to here I was never that
guy I always wanted I always wanted to
find someone who understood me I always
wanted that and so you know granted I
haven't had sex with a lot of chicks but
that's and it's and it's not by choice
I'm saying like maybe there was times I
would have done it but I but I know that
I was always looking for someone to
figure out to get me and then and then I
will say this when you know you know
when you know you know when you think
there's I can't imagine a life without
this person
that that happened to me and I can only
say my experiences I had Leanne I loved
her and I and I didn't even realize it
and the second she dumped me I went oh
no no no no no oh I I don't get to live
a great life without her she's the thing
that's going to give me a great life I
knew it Undisputed I went for a run and
uh she dumped me I went to my shower I
cried I went to Barnes Noble I bought
men from Venus women from Mars I've
watched Fight Club in my closet I didn't
drink I drink a lot of Nyquil to sleep
and then I went for a hike in Runyon
Canyon I was running back down Outpost
by Ben Affleck's house and and the sun
was setting and I just said God if
you're listening
just give me this check back I'll never
fuck it up this is the one I won't fuck
it up I won't cheat I'm not gonna be a
bad dude I want to have kids with her
I'll be there I'll be a great fucking
dude I'll take her out on dates like
I'll love this chick
and I got home and she was in my room in
a sundress yeah and I was like oh fuck
you I didn't know he was real yeah I was
like shit man give me like one more
night let me give some strange tail real
quick yeah before I commit forever but I
think when you know you know this is so
silly but I follow that in business
like when you know you know and like my
assistance with us and someone goes how
do you find a good assistant I go when
you know you know like people will show
you who they are uh I can tell you when
I fell in love with my assistant
we were doing a TV show and and that we
worked past dinner and all the dinner
places were closed and he just said hey
I got like four meals I didn't know
which one you'd want so I got four
different meals for you I ordered them
they're up in your room and just let me
know whichever you want I'll take care
of the rest of them yeah and I was like
oh that that dude thinks about other
people before himself he didn't even get
himself dinner he just got me four
dinners and I was like fuck yeah I did
the same thing with my social media
manager
the way she was operating was I was like
I feel like she's thinking about me yeah
and we connected on so many levels on so
many levels I could talk to her about
things and ideas I had and then I was
like okay I want her I want him I want
I think you I think it's got to be that
thing when you know you know and it can
be so simple as like
like a personal trainer or like a jiu
jitsu class or like just where you go oh
I'm connecting right now but you have to
allow yourself to notice that person you
I I think you do I mean I think you have
to put yourself out there and you have
to be available for it
you know that's the hardest part is just
being available for it
because so people so many people just
want to be busy just dating I just want
to have someone in my life I don't want
to be bored I don't want to what if I
die alone I don't wanna I like just be
available for it uh what is it you said
peeling the baby shrimp yeah when you
could be having a lobster
yeah
Lobster's still a lot of work I have to
say yeah but well yeah but it's Lobster
this is a fucking baby shrimp or like
and you ever guess you ever get the ones
in Brazil where you just go fucking eat
the shell I don't care anymore
like I'm so fucking hungry you just
handful of lobster like it's popcorn or
maybe shrimp like it's popcorn
I've done that in Vietnam I've done that
where did I just go it's too much work
so when you're in it what's the secret
to successful marriage
what do uh women want or a Crusher oh
fuck that's I'm the wrong guy to answer
that I think how to make love to a woman
by Bert Kreischer how do you make
lobster woman I'll tell you how I do it
yeah uh
I go down on her first
make sure she has an orgasm yeah and
then I get my turn and that's over
pretty quick
it's like it's like your ears pierced it
doesn't feel a little prick and it's
over
I um
I don't know if I've done a great job
keeping her happy I think I keep her
interested like I think I I I
keep her occupied like I'm like a little
bit of a rodeo clown like I don't know I
mean like I I know we're happy right now
I know we're really happy
but I don't know if I ever did
as good a job as she did like she's
always been
like she's always been a gangster like
done did everything just does everything
she does it all she does everything like
fucking everything and she loves it she
just does it and then she shows Love For
You by taking care of you and so like I
have a lot of time just been this like
almost like step and repeat husband
where it's like I come in to take a
picture like hey money Tuesday I'm all
right I'm on the road Wednesday take
care guys or like a travel channel I
lived for two weeks at a time I left for
the movie for three months so like I
don't know that I've ever done
a bang-up job
I buy it like I go I remember one time I
was just like I don't cheat on her I
don't hit her I don't yell at her I'm a
pretty good fighter I'm a really good
fighter like like I'm good at like going
like Hey we're on the same team Oh you
mean de-escalation I'm really good at
like I'm very self I'm very accountable
I'm very self-correcting like if if
we're in a fight and she points
something out and I go oh you're right I
go fuck you right about that you're
right you're totally wrong oh in the
moment in the moment I'm really good at
that
huh and my wife's not she's not a good
apologizer like she needs to sleep on an
apology and then she can do it I can
apologize in the moment if I realize I'm
wrong and I'm really quick to find my
fault yeah I look for my fault because I
go tell me what I did
adversely as a parent
I have pulled my daughters aside and
been like yo that wasn't you
that was Mom yeah I'm giving you a heads
up because I don't want because I got
really confused as a kid because my dad
always made sure I knew I was wrong
and sometimes I wasn't yeah and then as
a kid you kind of fucked up you're like
well how do I know if I'm wrong and I
think that raises so I was really good
with my girls going like yo
and then and then parenting Georgia
taught me a lot about self-correcting
self-correcting was that my oldest
I'd only if I parented like my dad
parented like just like Raise Your Voice
get up to here that's it no that doesn't
fuck this yeah how come the dogs don't
have goddamn leashes on the collars on
their necks
and so with Georgia I had to learn
through therapy
that if if the if the consequence is
here
and it and the highest it goes is here
then why the fuck wouldn't they lie and
do everything because they go well I
know what it's like to hear but if you
can vary your consequence with a child
and find some conversation in it then
all of a sudden they're like well fuck
well I don't want to lie cause this does
this does suck like I like this I like
where we talk and he says write a
thousand words on why driving around
your kids in a car kids in a car is bad
so threaten extreme violence every once
in a while just to yeah let them know
the dog can fucking bite yeah the dog
can bark the dog can bite but if you pet
him on his belly he'll wag its tail yeah
uh do you worry about being away too
much I mean you're one of the most
creative content pushers and creators
out there you're just constantly
innovating constantly putting stuff out
there but do you worry that pulls you
away from like uh the mundane experience
of Life yeah that can bring contentment
and happiness yeah I feel like sometimes
it cannibalizes your real life where you
start going you start thinking in promo
videos or you start looking at a
vacation as a bit Yeah like we should go
ziplining
why don't you do ah what shoes you wear
or not like it can it can definitely
cannibalize your life
my wife's really good at going like
no like no phones
the girls are really good the girls when
I started instagramming stuff they
started saying stuff like dad hits mom
whoa guys they're like no put your phone
away yeah dab less boys and I'm like
yeah uh what's um
what are some Secrets where's the wisdom
you can say for how to be successful
online and all the everything you've
learned you're kind of like the the Mr
Beast of Comedy just the innovating
constantly
in terms of how to promote stuff in
terms of how to present stuff across the
different social media and across
YouTube podcasts all that stuff
I think the number one thing is don't be
afraid to suck
no one sees the shit the socks
doesn't get views I just guess forgot
yeah it gets forgotten the good stuff
they remember and then that's all they
bring up the stuff that sucks just goes
away and they're like oh yeah did you do
that I don't even think I saw that fuck
it who cares yeah you know it's like
it's like I watched uh one of my
favorite stories about this is uh
a guy named uh Sean Patton
I was explaining Instagram stories to
him and Ari and Mark Norman and I was
explaining that you can now sell tickets
on Instagram stories it was back when
they swiped up instead of tap the button
swipe up
and they did